Thrilling Sword (Review)

Posted on October 14, 2009 by Tars Tarkas

Thrilling Sword

aka Shen jian dong shan he

1981
Directed by Cheung San-Yee
Written by Shing-Ming Huang

This film rules!

It is a Taiwanese take on Snow White, which needed giant monsters, guys turned into bears, demon worship, and crystal swords. Take that, Disney! The film is filled with fantastic elements, just when you think the film has exhausted its supply of weird wonderness, it shows that Thrilling Sword has barely scratched the surface. Parts of the film remind me of He-Man, to the point where I suddenly became interested in He-Man again after years of not being interested and now know all sorts of new stuff about He-Man.

Thrilling Sword is one of many awesome fantasy films that came out of the Taiwanese film industry. At the time, they were competing with the Shaw Brothers and their elaborate and expensive productions. No Taiwanese company could compete in making their films look just as good, but that didn’t stop them from trying or from going over the top with the fantasy aspects. And that makes the films that came out of Taiwan from the 1970s and 80s some of the weirdest and most fun films. It is a shame that so many of the films are hard to find or even lost. Many of the surviving films are only found on fullscreen VHS tapes that are running on thirty years old (luckily, most have been archived digitally, so even if the film never is released again it won’t disappear.) This particular rip is taken from a TV broadcast, which is supposed to be more widescreen than the fullscreen VHS releases of Thrilling Sword, but then I saw a VCD case while looking up cast info on the film, so there is at least VCD copies around, which means there might be a DVD somewhere, but who knows how good that copy is. But this is one film I would put extra time into hunting down an upgrade for.

Thrilling Sword has also been released under the titles Heaven Sword and Thrilling Bloody Sword. So now you know. Director Cheung San Yee also directed a few classics such as Lady Constables and Snaky Knight Fights Against Mantis. He also wrote Island Warriors and came up with the story for Challenge of the Lady Ninja.

	Yaur-gi (Fong Fong-Fong) – It’s Snow White! The daughter of King Gau-shien who is sent down the river when she is born as a giant lump of flesh, returning 18 years later after being raised by seven dwarf generals. See more of Fong Fong-Fong in Island Warriors.
	Prince Yur-juhn (Lau Seung-Him) – Yur-Juhn is a prince of the Yur Chin Kingdom/Yur Min Nation. The name changes as the film goes on, so don’t blame me. Maybe his country should choose a name and stick with it! Prince Yur-juhn falls in love with Yaur-gi and does lots of heroic stuff for the king before he is turned into a bear and has to go get crystal armor. Just your average Thursday night. Lau Seung-Him was Monkey in Monkey War and New Pilgrims to the West.
	Gi-err (Elsa Yeung Wai-San) – Gi-err is from Wu Shien Kingdom is said to be a powerful exorcist. The King has her go and kill lots of demons. She also worships demons and is plotting to overthrow the king thanks to all the demons she is letting loose in the country. The King trusts her completely. Elsa Yeung has been seen on TarsTarkas.NET in Island Warriors and Challenge of the Lady Ninja.
	Shiah-ker (Chang Yi) – Gi-err’s partner who also has magic powers and also worships a demon master, and he’s totally evil and even looks horribly evil and his name even sounds horribly evil. The King trusts him completely. I think the King would trust Hitler if he knew how to pull a rabbit out of his hat.
	The Little Fairy of the Forest (Ha Ling-Ling) – She used to be a rabbit that Yaur-gi was nice to and then turned into a fairy to be a friend and ally. All fairy tales need fairies, which is a rule or something. I think you can go to jail. So be sure to follow that rule, okay?
	Magic Master (???) – Magic Master was trapped in a box by Gi-err and Shaih-ker long ago, probably because he has a butt on his head. A butt on his head. And a nose ring. AND A BUTT ON HIS HEAD! Magic Master also has a sweet skull staff, but there is not butt on the skull. Magic Master is let loose by Prince Yur-juhn and heads off to fight the ones who trapped him.

The Dwarves!

	Leader Dwarf (???) – Is the leader, and is also an archer. All of the dwarves are former generals who have been shrunk in size. All of the dwarves raise Yaur-gi when they find her in the river as an infant. Like most of the dwarves, I am not sure who played him. None of the dwarves are given names, so I named them based on their traits.
	Vain (???) – He’s so vain, he probably thinks this Roll Call entry is about him.
	Drunky (???) – Are these the Seven Dwarfs or the Seven Duffs? I guess Drunky parties hard to hide his crippling lack of self-esteem, his fast-living lifestyle heading towards a colision course with reality one day soon.
	Sleepy (???) – He’s sleepy, thus his name. He’s also the only dwarf whose seems to correlate to one of the classic dwarves besides the Leader Dwarf.
	Farty (Hui Bat-Liu) – Guess how Farty got his name! Yep, toilet humor isn’t just the realm of modern day PG-13 comedies. Hui Bat-Liu is in the greatest movie of all time, Fantasy Mission Force, as well as Island Warriors
	Mohawk (???) – I know if I was a dwarf, I would have a mohawk. Because why not? Mohawk is not the brightest of bulbs, but does help sneak Princess Yaur-gi into the castle to meet Prince Yur-juhn again.
	Screechy (???) – Screechy has a screechy voice, thus his name. Yep. Good times.

Raising the roof!

Continue reading →

Voodoo Dollz: Lust Potion #9 (Review)

Posted on January 22, 2009 by Tars Tarkas

Voodoo Dollz: Lust Potion #9

2008
Directed by Fred Olen Ray (as Nicholas Medina)

Voodoo Dollz is a satirization of those awful movies where girls go to private school and there are secret witches and devil worshiping going on. Many of these films are from the 1970’s, thus have slow pacing, awful cameras, and look like everyone is high on Mary Jane. Thankfully, most of the boring stuff is dropped from this entry, and we get an erotic parody done up Fred Olen Ray style! Many of the familiar females make an appearance, and we get one, lone male entry – Alexandre Boisvert, aka Voodoo, thus giving us the title Voodoo Dollz. There is no Evan Stone, Bart Batram, Ted Newsom, or Jay Richardson. But the many many women means lots of lesbian encounters!

The movie has recently came out on DVD, but as I am poor I had to dub this off of the free cable that comes with renting. I bet you can’t figure out which channel it was on! Stupid logos. Is there even any action in this (of the non-sex kind?) Maybe three seconds of tossing candles. At least these films captured directly off of cable look better than the older screen captures from the SciFi Channel films I taped on vhs and then tried to screencap.

	Christina (Christine Nguyen) – Her parents work overseas so thats why they don’t see her much, it isn’t because they don’t love her… Christina likes horses (a lot), tight pants, long walks on the beach, and laughing. Christine Nguyen was seen here in Super Ninja Doll, Bikini Girls from the Lost Planet, Girl with the Sex-Ray Eyes, Ghost in a Teeny Bikini, and Tarzeena: Jiggle in the Jungle.
	Maria (Charlie Laine) – Student at the Dunwich School for Girls, ends up becoming Christina’s roommate after her previous roommate disappeared in the middle of the night. In love with the handyman Jeff, but her plans to run away with him are stymied due to her involvement in an evil cult. Adult actress Charlie Laine is a newcomer to Fred Olen Ray movies, debuting here and in Bikini Royale. She Charlie Laine in such fine films as Decline of Western Civilization Part 69: The Porno Years (I was unaware those documentaries were that far along in the series!), The Boobs of Hazzard 2, and Hogtied Victims of Evil Minds.
	Jilly (Beverly Lynne) – Student at the Dunwich School for Girls, roommate of Sandra and enjoys taunting Maria about how they all share Jeff. Almost jumps to the wrong conclusion. Beverly Lynne is a star of many late night films like these, including Super Ninja Doll.
	Sandra (Nicole Sheridan) – Another student at the Dunwich School for Girls, joins in on sharing Jeff. Maria is not too fond of her. Nicole Sheridan is a veteran of late night films like these, appearing here in Super Ninja Doll, Ghost in a Teeny Bikini, Bikini Girls from the Lost Planet, Girl with the Sex-Ray Eyes, and Tarzeena: Jiggle in the Jungle.
	Miss Santana (Syren) – Assistant at the Dunwich School for Girls, looking over the day to day activities for her boss Miss Dambahla. I am guessing she is named after Tura Santana, but who knows. Syren has graced this site in films many times, including Super Ninja Doll, Tarzeena: Jiggle in the Jungle, Ghost in a Teeny Bikini, and Bikini Girls from the Lost Planet.
	Miss Dambahla (Monique Parent) – Headmistress of the Dunwich School for Girls and loyal follower of Pakumba. I spent the first time I watched this thinking her name was “Dumbella”. Oddly enough, I saw Monique Parent in a completely unrelated film the day before I saw this one. Isn’t that exciting? Eventually, that one will be up here as well, but I shall keep its name secret. She played a villain there as well.
	Jeff (Voodoo as Alexandre Boisvert) – Voodoo not only inspires the name to this film, but appears in many other Fred Olen Ray Bikini films, including Super Ninja Doll, Bikini Girls from the Lost Planet, Girl with the Sex-Ray Eyes, Tarzeena: Jiggle in the Jungle, and Ghost in a Teeny Bikini.
	Miss Anton (Michelle Bauer) – Headmistress of Collinsport School for Girls, and disapprover of schoolgirl lesbian antics. Michelle Bauer is a B-movie Queen who has been in films such as Vampire Vixens from Venus, The Erotic Misadventures of the Invisible Man, Sorority Babes in the Slimeball Bowl-O-Rama, and Hollywood Chainsaw Hookers in her over 100 film appearances.
	Meg (Kitty Jung as Kitty Katzu) – Classmate of Christina’s at Collinsport School for Girls, and a big fan of lesbians. Kitty Jung was also in Super Ninja Doll.
	Pakumba (himself) – He is Jabootu‘s nephew and a lover of women. Too bad for him he isn’t treated with fire-resistant chemicals. It is illegal to worship Pakumba in the Netherlands.

Hey, man…there is a voodoo doll in the opening credits! I get it! Continue reading →

The Eight Hilarious Gods (Review)

Posted on October 30, 2008 by Tars Tarkas

The Eight Hilarious Gods

aka Siu baa sin

1993
Directed by Jeffrey Chiang Gu-Jun

Hong Kong does their take on Hakkenden, the tale that gave us Legend of Eight Samurai and Message From Space. Except it is a pure comedy and no one marries a dog. That’s good, as this film is about as related to the traditional Japanese story as Jesus Christ, Vampire Hunter is to the Gospel of Luke. It does have some recognizable Hong Kong stars (even to Western audience members only slightly familiar with Hong Kong cinema) and some nice fantasy fights for a comedy, but isn’t afraid to dwell in the poop jokes or to murder children just so the audience can go “WTF?” So let’s all go “WTF?” together!

This version of the film comes from one of those double-VHS tapes, found in the double-size VHS boxes that old-school video stores had. The only video store I know by name that still carries those is Le Video in San Francisco, but some of the old-school Chinatown rental stores have this as well. The double-tape explains why there are numbers after the title, because there are two title screens, one for each tape. Old school is the best school, baby! There ain’t no forced commercials here like on DVD. Sure, the picture quality isn’t the best, but it’s not like this film is begging for a remastered DVD. It should be remastered.

	Ben (Adam Cheng Siu-Chow) – Ben is a high-level fairy who misplaced six magic pearls that just happen to be the pearls Lucifer is going to use to try to destroy the world. Except there is also this prophecy that says six people will show up to help defeat Lucifer, so now Ben is looking for them. Adam Cheng was in a film entitled Sup Sap Bup Dup as well as playing the boss of the female tribe in Fantasy Mission Force, so that’s enough street cred for me to give him a thumbs up!
	Buddy Wall (Sandra Ng Kwun-Yu) – One of Heavenly Goddess’s fairies who attempts to stop Satan. Not powerful enough to face him alone. Has a crush on Ben, and is part of a running gag where no one finds her attractive. Sandra Ng Kwun-Yu is a famous Hong Kong comedienne.
	Lotus (Rosamund Kwan Chi-Lam) – Brutal proprietor of the Dragon Gate Inn, who beats those who complain about her service. The whole Inn is a scam to rob customers with a freezing mist, and she collaborates with Uncle Cheung in this scam. Rosamund Kwan is probably best known here for playing Aunt Yee in the Once Upon a Time in China series. Prophecy mark – Love for one’s elders.
	Lousy Han (Ng Man-Tat) – Lousy Han is a loyal friend who lets his buddy Smart Hon walk all over him. He gets into trouble constantly, but always with a smile on his face. Ng Man-Tat is in a whole mess of Steve Chow films, as well as many other efforts. Prophecy mark – Loyalty.
	Uncle Cheung (Lawrence Cheng Tan-Shui) – The effeminate tour guide leader and fellow conspirator in Lotus’s robbery scam. Lawrence Cheng Tan-Shui has made a career of playing stereotypical homosexual goofballs, from his own shows to films like this and The Storm Riders. Prophecy mark – Mercy.
	Smart Hon (Deric Wan Siu-Lun) – Smart Hon is the brains behind the Hon/Han group, but he isn’t as smart as his name implies. His greatest ability is avoiding getting into trouble. Deric Wan Siu-Lun is probably most recognizable as Emperor Kang Xi in the two Royal Tramp films. Prophecy mark – Justice.
	Sheriff Lee (Shing Fui-On) – Looking like a crazy wild-man, Sheriff Lee is desperate to solve a case before he’s demoted. He is willing to do anything. ANYTHING. Even his mother won’t stand in his way. Shing Fui-On has appeared in more films than I can count, probably most notably in God of Gamblers. Most of them were without the crazy makeup. Prophecy mark – Filial Piety.
	Uncle Tsao (Peter Lai Bei-Dak) – Information collector and informant. Likes Lotus, but instead ends up with Uncle Cheung! Not a happy camper. Prophecy mark – Faith.
	Lucifer (Lau Shun) – The devil is an evil mo-fo! Did you know that Lucifer has clawed hands, metal hair, a voice sounding like one of the Visitors from V, and spends all his free time terrorizing a random small village in China? Because he does. This movie proves it. And he enjoys tossing children off roofs.