Hallmark Channel’s new movie Portrait of Love (formally known as Heart of the Matter) is that old chestnut about a woman from the big city who returns all successful to her small town and yet suddenly is pulled in by that love junk and may end up throwing it all away for some dude she dated in high school. Just take a look at your high school dates on Facebook and where they are now to see how likely that prospect is (YEESH!)
A prominent fashion photographer returns to her small town roots at the request of a friend. Surrounded by both memories and loved ones, she must consider a choice between a successful future and rekindling both the love of her life and of her home.
Can’t women have both? Nope, you gots to be choosing one or the other, sorry. Them’s the rules!
Portrait of Love stars Bree Williamson (A Beginner’s Guide to Snuff) as April Littleton, Jason Dohring (Prehysteria! 2) as Luke Dwyer, Frances Fisher (Beverly Hills Chihuahua 3: Viva La Fiesta!) as Doll Dwyer, Ella Thomas (Surrogates) as Julia Robbins, Corbin Bernsen (Christian Mingle) as Tyler Mason, Caitlin Carmichael (Wiener Dog Internationals) as Jess Dwyer, Cassius Willis (Lakeview Terrace) as Frank Robbins, and Cissy Wellman (Jane Doe: Vanishing Act) as Karen Waverly.
Portrait of Love is directed by K.T. Donaldson (High Plains Invaders). It is written by Michael Votel, Jr., Matt Marx (This seems to be the first film written for both), and Jennifer Notas (Christmas Under Wraps) It premieres March 14th on Hallmark Channel!
Photo via Hallmark/Bryan Sheffield
A few weeks back, the trailer for the Corbin Bernsen written and directed Christian Mingle hit the web and confused everyone. Well, stop being confused, because now Christian Mingle is coming to UPtv! Yes, Christian Mingle is based on the website ChristianMingle.com, and had a very limited release last year. Faith based films getting tiny local releases is becoming a thing, and after that was done, UPtv became the next stop for a wider audience.
Gwyneth Hayden has it all. A top-notch career, killer wardrobe, dream apartment, and great friends – she thinks the only thing missing is a man. In a moment of inspired desperation, she fills out a profile on the dating website ChristianMingle.com hoping to find Mr. Right. However, Gwyneth’s Christianity is a little rusty and her attempts at impressing her dream guy end in disaster when he calls her out on her “faux faith.” In an honest realization, she sees her superficial life for what it really is, and is driven to create a personal relationship with God.
Christian Mingle stars Lacey Chabert, Jonathan Patrick Moore, Stephen Tobolowsky, Morgan Fairchild, David Keith, and Corbin Bernsen. See what all the fuss is about on February 8th on UPtv!
Confessions of a Go-Go Girl
Lifetime Channel is a gift to the movie world. It’s been constantly creating and showcasing an array of original dramas and has one of the most prolific content creation legacies of a channel in history. Of course, most of their film output is despised by critics if they even bother to think of them, because most critics wouldn’t know a good film if it married them while after the suspicious deaths of its three previous wives. TarsTarkas.NET is not afraid to do whatever it takes to find cinematic gold, even if we have to watch a channel for….women! I kid, I kid. But people who have an aversion to Lifetime films are just missing out on a whole barrel of fun! From Cyber Seduction to Social Nightmare, Lifetime is magical. Their films are so popular they got their own spinoff network! Even SyFy can’t boast of that feat. Thus, in celebration of Lifetime, we shall now watch this film about go-go dancing.
Confessions of a Go-Go Girl has an amazing title and an amazing plot, following innocent rich girl Jane McCoy as she’s lured into the increasingly sleazy world of go-go dancing, parts of which correlate with your favorite stories about women becoming strippers. But this isn’t stripping, it’s go-go dancing. It’s totally different. Go-go dancing can be shown on tv!
This go-go movie has the decency to be partially self-aware, sections which I’m guessing are legacies from the stage play it’s based on. Because huge other chunks are not self-aware at all. As the play “True Confessions of a Go-Go Girl” by Jill Morley sounds biographical, things were probably enhanced for television dramatics, much as a character attempts to enhance her chest via a character named Dr. Double D. As we shall see, neither option turns out too well, but Confessions of a Go-Go Girl does manage to entertain in a schlocky way, and you can see it as how Jane McCoy gains her confidence. Part of the fun is wondering just when her family is going to find out what she’s doing, and how bonkers their reactions are going to be. Because her family is pretty terrible. Not terrible in a dysfunctional way, but terrible in an afunctional way. Dad is overly controlling and angry, Mom is upper crust oblivious, her brother is a puritanical tyrant, and her boyfriend would faint if he saw a woman in a short skirt. Jane needs these stereotypes as family members, which allows her to set out on her journey where she meets all the other stereotypes in the stri– I mean, go-go dancing world. Jane even becomes a stereotype, but that’s for a purpose. As Jane is in acting school, she creates a character persona that becomes her dancing persona. Soon the lines blur, which is Jane, and which is Dylan? Better keep dancing until you figure it out…
God’s calling. He wants to know if our fridge is running…
Judgment is not a film I would normally watch, because my recent film watching days have been filled with more obscure stuff from around the globe, and the time I’ve spent on direct to video fun has been limited at best. But thanks to my affiliation as a member of the Mysterious Order of the Skeleton Suit (aka M.O.S.S.), we did a Secret Santa where I was gifted this awesome DVD from Carol at The Cultural Gutter. And if you don’t read The Cultural Gutter, you are missing out. You should probably read it almost as much as you read this site! Other M.O.S.S. Secret Santa adventures can be found at this link. Go there to read and listen as M.O.S.S. members get sent things they wouldn’t normally review.
Christian rapture cinema has a not very long history, but has left behind a collection of films of various quality. I have watched a fair number of these from around a decade ago, when they were all over the local video stores. I can say that Megiddo: The Omega Code 2 is awesome. It’s everything you want your Rapture Cinema to be. Even the big guns like the Left Behind series of films (starring Kirk Cameron and from the same production company as the Apocalypse series) pale in comparison. Judgment is the fourth film in the Apocalypse series, and I have not seen the others. With the advent of digital cameras, the amount of Christian films have exploded in recent years, as have the amount of Rapture films. But beyond the few that make interesting trailers on YouTube, the films are largely ignored by the general movie going public, though a few breakout recent Christian films include C Me Dance, Three, and Suing the Devil.
We may be poor, but we got lots of lightbulbs on strings!
The continuity of the Apocalypse series is suspect at best. By the end of the previous film, former journalist Helen Hannah was executed but also released tapes of the Antichrist saying all his followers are idiots who will burn in Hell, and they begin to protest against him. All that protest stuff is forgotten, the people still love Franco Macalousso with only the few Christian rebels left to offer any resistance. Helen Hannah is saved from death for the trial plot.
I know it is not this movie’s purpose to be a deep philosophical source of arguments for or against the existence of God, but the trial format and the actual arguments introduced on both sides force a comparison of the arguments. To be fair, the arguments presented by both sides are largely shallow, targeting strawmen or misquotes, and some arguments aren’t even addressed or just dismissed without reason. The popcorn philosophy does have to be mentioned, even if it’s in a popcorn website response, because we got better things to do than to turn this site into a scholarly religious website. So microwave some popcorn before you read on. We’ll wait. Doo-do-do-do-dooo-do-dooo…. Got your snack food? Let’s begin!
The People’s Court: The Next Generation
Could God make a creek so full of crap even he couldn’t be up it without a paddle? We’ve just prove God is fake, hail Satan!
The Big Year
Directed by David Frankel
Written by Howard Franklin
The Big Year takes place in the world of birding, where obsessive fans of feathered friends spend their time watching and following birds. They learn the songs, know the species, and some can even imitate their favorite birds. And there is no greater glory in the world of birding than the Big Year, where a birder spends an entire year seeing as many bird species as possible.
Now, as a biologist, I’ve meet birders and can understand where they’re coming from, even if I have no desire to trek through swamps and snow to spot rare birds with pink feet. Myself, I’m perfectly fascinated by even the most common birds. Crows, starlings, mourning doves, all are cool in my book. Granted, the herons, egrets, and hawks I spy on the drive home are awesome as well. Maybe I am a secret birder…
The Big Year is ultimately about obsession. About a hobby, about love, about doing what you love but also living your life. It’s based on Mark Obmascik’s book The Big Year: A Tale of Man, Nature and Fowl Obsession, which I haven’t read. But I did get free tickets to an advanced screening, so once again, Tars sells out!
Brad Harris is ostensibly the main character, but in reality there are three main characters, three story arcs, three paths. All of the three main characters want to be the best, to win. but not all of them will win. Only one can be the best. And sometimes, the quest is only the beginning.
Check out this awesome trailer! I can’t decide what I like best. Satan kicking the KISS fan in the crotch, Mr. Innocent representing all the casinos in Vegas, the Devil hiring smart people (damn that book learnin’!), $12,000 in credit card debt being mentioned as a horrible secret, “Have you ever done…..internet porn?”, the WWE Smackdown legal analysis on the news, the hero being a racist, the Devil inventing noise, or the hero commanding “get thee behind me Satan!” while Satan is already behind him. It looks like someone forgot to tell Malcolm McDowell that this isn’t a parody! Also LOL at Tom Sizemore in this flick.