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Sexy Warriors (Review)

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Sexy Warriors

Sexy Warriors
2014
Written and directed by Dean McKendrick

I’m so fancy!

Sexy Warriors brings the Amazonian women of the Isle of Lesbos into the modern day, where two time travelers experience the modern world while on their respective quests. As usual for Bikini–>Retromedia–>Synthetic Filmwerx productions, things are a lot of fun and plenty of goofy stuff happens along the way.

Sexy Warriors

Hey, put away the phallic symbol, we got enough subtext already!


There is plenty in this film to love. Things I am specifically glad about: The lesbian character Rita doesn’t get “turned” into a non-lesbian by having sex with one of the males. That there is a black character at all (rare as heck for a softcore film!) That the personal protection mentioned by Gail is mace and not a gun. That this is the only softcore I’ve even heard people discussing safe sex.

Any one of those things could be turned into a whole paragraph of praise by itself, but the combination is a win for everyone everywhere! All those points are things that make Sexy Warriors different from many of its contemporaries, even those from the same production house. Everyone is on point with the acting. Christine Nguyen fits right into the unsure girlfriend/mentor role, Jazy Berlin makes a hilarious fish out of water Amazon, Voodoo plays an arrogant loudmouth almost too well, Erica Jordan has fun playing the stern Amazonian lady, and Misty Stone better become a regular in these films after her awesome performance. It was also great to see cool dude Brandon Ruckdashel and cool dude Ted Newsom, even if both had little to do.

Sexy Warriors

Take that, inanimate carbon rod!


Diana and Athena come from different Amazon tribes: Diana is from the River Tribe, while Athena is Queen of the Mountain Tribe. The Mountain Tribe looks down on the River Folk, and are the presumed rulers of the Isle. This adds a culture conflict to the already differing goals of the two ladies. Athena always tries to assert her will over others, only going along with Rita and Mark’s plans because Rita is a woman, and summarily taking it over once she’s on television. She agrees to Gail’s solution for the conflict, both due to Gail being a woman, and because it involves not having lots of men around, thus leaving the culture still in control. Athena achieves her goals, while Diana acquires an acceptable substitute for her people’s wants. Everyone ends up happy, it’s a wonder the Amazonians aren’t still around. Maybe they are, lying in wait, preparing to strike the world when we least expect it. Which would be right after a movie features them. So…Look out!
Sexy Warriors

I just realized! We’re in a movie, none of this is real!


Diana (Jazy Berlin) – Amazonian fighter from the River Tribe, is on a quest to help her people and becomes displaced in time. Now she must survive modern day Los Angeles all while experiencing all sorts of new sensations and avoiding her rival, Athena.
Athena (Erika Jordan) – The Queen of the Mountain Tribe and vehemently anti-men. Follows Diana through time to stop her on her quest. Is focused on her mission, and becomes annoyed as she’s relegated to the sideshow.
Gail (Christine Nguyen) – Owner of a semi-successful gym who is obsessed with ancient warrior ladies. Is sort of dating Eric, but things aren’t officially exclusive yet, thus she dabbles in several other characters. Finds Diana when she materializes in her gym, and shows her the ropes of modern society.
Mark (Voodoo as Alex Boisvert) – Loudmouth gym patron who gets an idea to become filthy rich by exploiting Athena, but just ends up having filthy sex by the end.
Rita (Misty Stone) – Gym patron who likes the ladies. She teams up with Mark to try to exploit Athena for monetary gain, but regrets the decision and leaves. Can more than keep up with Mark’s quick mouth.
Eric (Brandon Ruckdashel) – Gail’s boyfriend who is in the middle of a bunch of stuff and trying to think through how their relationship should be. But he realizes he needs her.
Mario (Alec Knight) – Friend of Gail who is into touching strange women inappropriately. He’s also really into women making him breakfast.
Morty (Ted Newsom) – Morty is one of the most watched television hosts in history. Or at least by people who are relevant to the plot! Has Athena on his show, where she puts out the call to locate Diana.

Sexy Warriors

Look, let’s argue about which Police Academy sequel was the best later, it’s time for dinner! Also, it was definitely Police Academy 3: Back in Training!


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Birthday Sex

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Birthday Sex

Birthday Sex
2012
Written by Tina Hawthorne
Directed by Austin Brooks

Birthday Sex

The best birthday ever!


Birthday Sex! We all know the song, we all jam it up on the radio, we all sang it ironically on our birthdays and then moved on to some other song. And now, Birthday Sex is also a softcore flick from our friends at Mainline Releasing, your home for movies that often have more to say than what they appear.

It’s Mia’s 25th birthday! Which is cool because she gets a parade of birthday presents that suddenly become terrible presents and her whole outlook on life changes and this birthday becomes the worst birthday ever that’s also the best birthday ever in the long run. Mia’s 25th is time for her to hit a crossroads, where much is made about how she suddenly wants to grow up and be responsible and boring, while her current boyfriend Tyler just wants to live life and party. Now, I’m not going to get into a big discussion about when it is okay to settle down and when you should still be up all night to the sun for good fun, because each person has their own journey in life. 25 is enough time to have had fun, and to be aware of yourself enough to know what you want in life, though that is far from a requirement at that age (and Lord knows I had no clue and am still winging it years later!)

Birthday Sex

GRRRR!! No one mocks my green earthenware tea set that matches my jacket and green apple paintings!


Obviously, Mia took the Jimmy Eat World line from Praise Chorus seriously, that “even at 25, you gotta start sometime” One wonders if she though no one liked her at age 23 when she was amused by tv shows. One interesting aspect that may be a coincidence or may be on purpose, is that the actress playing Mia has a butterfly tattoo, and later you see butterfly posters on the wall. Symbolically, the butterfly is the mature form, released from the cocoon, while Mia’s journey sees her growing up and becoming the mature form of Mia. She leaves behind her caterpillar boyfriend Tyler to go hang with the fellow butterflies and the flowers.

Packed in this crisis of lifestyle choices are Mia’s two friends, the party girl Kristen (who is crushing on Tyler) and the bitter Sara (who hates all men because she was dumped once!) Never fear, a love interest surfaces in nice guy Simon, but will he and Mia get together, or will all these roommates and different goals and hormones get in the way of a love of the ages. Birthday Sex, surprisingly romantic despite the raunchy title and late night Cinemax air dates.

Tina Hawthorne is rapidly becoming my favorite softcore film writer, to the point where I’m now seeking out some of her films. I don’t know if she’s a real person or just a pen name, but the writing is good, nevertheless. (she also wrote Naughty Reunion, which dealt a lot with the relationships between the various high school stereotypes.) Director Austin Brooks also helmed Sexual Quest, which was another film more about relationships in a marriage than the actual sex, which there was a lot of.

Birthday Sex

The “I Kicked That Guy Out and Now Feel Guilty Pose” is only for advanced yoga enthusiasts.


Mia (Amber Rayne) – Our birthday girl who does the titular birthday sex, then promptly breaks up with her boyfriend and has a sort of quarter-life crisis trying to figure out what she wants in life. Amber Rayne’s acting ability increases with the quality of the actors she’s opposite of. She’s like some sort of acting sponge. Another ear or two and she’ll be holding her own with mainstream stars. Amber Rayne was also in something called Black in the Crack: Black in the Back 2.
Simon (Brandon Ruckdashel) – Mia’s coworker who has been crushing on her since forever. Is a nice dude, thus Sara targets him for destruction. Brandon Ruckdashel continues to be an awesome actor, see more of him in Cougar School and The Sex Spirit.
Kristen (Sadie Katz) – Mia’s roommate who has the hots for her boyfriend, Tyler. Luckily, Mia and Tyler ain’t together no more 15 minutes into the film, leaving a romance option open. Which is sort of bad for Mia, because it happens the same day in the same house, which is her birthday. But it all works out in the end. Sadie Katz wrote the upcoming film Scorned.
Sara (Misty Anderson) – Bitter roommate of Mia who hasn’t gotten over being dumped by her ex and now hates all men. She attempts to prove she’s not so bad by sleeping with and then instantly rejecting her yoga teacher Mike. Then she wants to take down Simon. Will this ice queen ever thaw?
Tyler (Kenneth Blake) – Mia’s boyfriend who isn’t ready to commit or do anything serious, and it takes an act of extreme bravery on his part to even offer her a key. Thus, they’re dumped, he feels sad until Kristen offers to brighten his mood. The Inaccurate Movie DataBase seems to think Kenneth Blake has only been in one other film, Online Crush.
Mona Landers (Tanya Tate) – Owns Mona Landers Publicity, where Mia and Simon work. I’m not sure what Mona does there except have sex with Frank and order Mia and Simon to do work. But I guess it’s good to be the king. She has an odd accent that made it hard to follow what was going on. Tanya Tate is also in Strap Attack 14: The Rules Have Changed.
Frank (Alan Stafford) – Employee at Mona Landers Publicity, whose job it is to landers Mona all the time. Also he’s a messenger or something. But unofficially he’s a dude who gets it on. Alan Stafford is also in Horat: The Sexual Learnings of America for Make Benefit Beautiful Nation of Kaksuckistan.
Mike (Ryan Driller as Jeremy Bilding) – Sara’s yoga instructor, one of those yoga instructors who come to your house to your special yoga room for one-on-one sessions. Does Sara even have a job? How can she afford all this? Anyway, Mike and Sara do some unofficial yoga positions while naked, and despite her rejecting him right afterwards, they end up together at the end because of yoga power. Ryan Driller is also in MILF Massage Team.

Birthday Sex

Extra whip? You pervert!


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Cougar School

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Cougar School


2009
Written by Ellis Walkerson
Directed by Demitri Nessun

Great, I forgot my Cougar Trigonometry homework again…

There is a lot going on Cougar School beyond just your normal late night Cinemax softcore romp. How much of that is intentional and how much of it just sprung up out of my head is probably up to debate. But it’s going to get covered here regardless, because that’s how we roll at TarsTarkas.NET! Cougar School gets the term in its name from the older woman who date much younger men. But there is only one cougar in Cougar School, and she’s more of a cougar gold digger, looking for young rich men. Of course, this is due to an age issue of its own, she was dumped by her husband for a younger woman. Even more ironically, the Stepmom was herself the younger woman that broke up the husband’s prior marriage.

One interesting thing is actresses who are real life porn starlets degrading characters who are porn starlets in the film. The characters seem like they’ve become mouthpieces denouncing the very thing the actors saying the statements are. The association isn’t that having sex for money is bad, but being unselective in who you have sex with for money is the problem. Going out and seducing millionaires is better than being a porn star, and you can only seduce millionaires of a certain age limit, as Mammary Lane is also degraded for her attempted marriage to an 85 year old. It is an unspoken rule that you can’t be too greedy. There is a line, an invisible line, that must not be crossed. Mammary Lane crosses this line, and she must be punished. It isn’t about strict morals, it’s about going to far.

Before we begin, we need to chalk it up…

Stepmom doesn’t even get a name in the entire film. She doesn’t even need a name, she becomes a concept, beyond the person. She’s everyone’s stepmom, everyone’s gold digger, everyone’s cougar. She’s everyone who’s had to struggle, but had one asset that landed them on easy street, with the constant fear that they might go back to scraping and struggling. She’s also sympathetic, especially when compared to the new gold digger in town. The one painted as bad, because instead of enjoying her new found wealth she plans on squandering it. It’s responsible cougarism that is the goal here. While the film doesn’t try to paint Stepmom as an angel (Karen flatly states that she broke up her parents’ marriage), Mammary Lane is clearly the villain. Stepmom has the wisdom of time guiding her to a more moral choice, while Mammary Lane is still in the trenches, stabbing everything she can. The air of some sort of moral class warfare hangs heavy over Cougar School. What is the lesson that we should learn from class? And can anyone pay attention with all the naked nudity???

How do you like my Picasso Tic-Tac-Toe painting?

While writer Ellis Walkerson has no other credits, director Demitri Nessun is credited with some episodes of Co-Ed Confidential and the humorous softcore thriller Naked Lust, which has gotten some positive reviews, making it stand above its generic title. Nessun seems like he’s unwilling to just give us a standard boring flick, and wants to do more. What is also interesting is this might be a spinoff of the softcore series Co-Ed Confidential, as both Michelle Maylene and Brandon Ruckdashel play characters with the same name on that show.

They invested all their money in Bitcoins. Even we aren’t that desperate!

Karen (Michelle Maylene) – Young college student still finding her way in the world, but pretty sure the way she wants isn’t the way to the poorhouse. But will the way of love be stronger? Or will the way of the cougar be too much of a lure? Is dating Zack at the beginning of the flick, when she finds out her father is leaving her Stepmom for an awful woman.
Karen’s Stepmom (Sydnee Steele) – Stepmom broke up Karen’s parents’ marriage, but now is facing her husband running off with another woman. I think Justin Timberlake had a song about this… In any event, in order to secure her future, Stepmom must now bag a young rich stud. Or try to repair her marriage. Whatever’s sexier!
Zack (Brandon Ruckdashel) – Remember in National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation when Clark put up a bajillion bulbs on the outside of his house? Well, imagine which one of those is the dimmest and you get Zack. Good natured, Zack won’t be the latest dotcom mogul, but he does love Karen.
Mammary Lane (Persia Pele) – Former porn star turned home-wrecking gold digger. She was going to marry an 85yr old billionaire, but he died at the altar. Now she has her eyes set on Karen’s Dad….’s pocketbook! Unless she can land a bigger fish!
Karen’s Father (Randy Spears) – Karen’s totally stable good influence father, who keeps running off with upgrade wives. This time he’s gone too far.
Susan (India Summer) – Karen’s friend from way back in her camper lesbian experimentation days. Susan needs a place to stay, and Karen is happy to oblige on the final days before they get kicked out as well.
Juan (Jarod Diamond) – Susan’s ex-boyfriend, though they seem to have feelings for each other. Will these two lovebirds get back together?
Hi, I’m here to deliver a cease and desist on behalf of all cougars everywhere…

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