Screenplay by Tony Kayden
Story by Bill Bauer
Directed by Steven Lisberger
Ever wonder what would happen if Mad Max was set in a world of airplanes instead of junk cars? As directed by the director of Tron? Well, you obviously have some sort of mental illness and should talk to a professional therapist, I’m just a guy who watches bad movies. Odd as it may be, your bizarre craving has been provided, and stars Mark Hamill and Bill Paxton to boot! Bob Peck from Jurassic Park appears as the Data-ish character, While Mark Hamill is a feared bounty hunter/cop named Tasker. Bill Paxton plays Bill Paxton, here named Matt Owens. Paxton has fought Aliens, Predators, tornadoes, and Terminators, but here he has his greatest challenge: acting with giant hair. My Lord that’s a big mullet. Giganto-mullet. It must be aerodynamic, helps with the airplane flying or something. Maybe he uses it as a hang glider or parachute in case of air trouble. Big hair, bad movie, actors from both Star Wars and Star Trek (hello F. Murray Abraham!) and Harry Potter (Robbie Coltrane!) make this a genre melting extravaganza. Oh, almost forgot–they filmed in Turkey! Our friend Turkey, well known at TarsTarkas.NET from their numerous additions to crazy film libraries, provides background sites and extras. Set up your prop plane to go for a ride on the Slipstream…
It’s the future! The world has been so environmentally messed up that at the turn of the century the whole thing started destroying itself, earthquakes split continents and floods were everywhere, then a river of wind wiped the whole thing clean. This river of wind is called the Slipstream. It is not to be confused with Starscream, the traitorous lieutenant of Megatron from the Transformers. Starscream guest stars on Beast Wars, but Slipstream will never guest star on anything, even Beast Machines. The lines about “split continents” is so they can use location shots from all over the world without bothering to explain how they are so close together. As well as the foreign extras, noticeably from Turkey. Heck, the whole “Slipstream” concept is so weak we probably didn’t even need it in the movie. They talk about “riding the slipstream” to save on gas, but fail to explain how they are doing it both ways. I think someone’s favorite part of Mad Max: Roadwarrior was the gyro captain, and wanted a movie full of them. With Mark Hamill. Not a bad goal in life. Director Steven Lisberger (who made the brilliant Tron and not much else of consequence) has his world set up, but seemed to run out of money halfway through, as we’ll soon see.
Weird aircraft fly in the air, oddly shaped because they are different designs of light aircraft, for one or two people, and made to be as portable and light as possible. The craft we focus on is chasing a suited man on the rocky terrain below, including a shot that looks remarkably like a shot from North by Northwest. If you are going to steal, steal from the best. That’s the motto of Slipstream, though it concludes”yet still put together a mess!” The suited man is harpooned in the arm by Mark Hamill. Harpooned meaning Hamill is armed with a grappling hook/harpoon looking weapon that I’ll just be calling a harpoon. Mark Hamill is a cop named Will Tasker, who still looks like Mark Hamill despite being bleach blonde with a full beard. We’ll just call him Mark Hamill, because he’s typecast anyway. After all, you can only make so many “Does she have any job duties? Well, let’s Task Her!” jokes. Mark Hamill is partnered with a no nonsense female partner Belitski. Belitski? Did Dr. Seuss name her? Together they take the suited man played by Bob Peck back to the local settlement, what looks like a trailer park and a local diner.
Edge of Tomorrow
aka All You Need is Kill
Screenplay by Christopher McQuarrie, Jez Butterworth, and John-Henry Butterworth
Based on the novel All You Need Is Kill by Hiroshi Sakurazaka
Directed by Doug Liman
It’s come to our attention thanks to the multitude of video games being adapted into film, that the transition from the one media to the other is just too rife with problems to work. From Mario Mario walking the dinosaur in an alternate dimension to Kristin Kreuk seductively dancing for bathroom funtime, no one seems to have any idea how to turn video games into non-terrible cinema. Which is part of why Edge of Tomorrow is amazing, because it is the perfect video game movie! All they had to do was base it on a book…
Beyond the obvious video game connections, Edge of Tomorrow is a fun action film that stands out from the dour “dark and gritty” or somber 9-11 commentary that so often infects modern action cinema. It really took me by surprised just how entertaining it would be. I was expecting a more serious action drama that took itself too seriously, but that was quickly dashed once the resurrection jokes began.
An alien invasion and a time loop is the setting for Edge of Tomorrow. Major William Cage (Tom Cruise) does military PR, having the terrible job of trying to spin nonstop losses into recruitment drives for more meat for the grinder. With a full scale invasion of the European continent imminent by the humans, Cage is in England where he’s told he’ll be joining the battle on the front lines. Cage attempts to talks his way out of the assignment, but ends up arrested for disobeying orders and awakens in handcuffs on a military base where he’s informed he’s a private and a deserter who will be thrown into battle during the invasion which happens in 24 hours.
Why is the hallway all lime green all of a sudden?
Versatile director Steven Soderbergh has a cinematic talent and creative desire that he will work in almost any genre at any level of funding. Soderbergh also has a realistic view on his output, he knew he was in a creative funk at one point (and used one of his own films to help inspire him to greatness) and knows he will get jaded at film directed again, so is setting his eyes on becoming a painter. But before critics with even snootier voices begin tearing into his work, it’s still our time! Haywire is Soderbergh’s action spectacle, a femme fighter basher that gives us some great fights. Continuing Soderbergh’s trend of using nontraditional actors, MMA fighter Gina Carano making her major film debut (she was previously in the DTV flick Blood and Bone, was an American Gladiator as Crush, and is featured in the video game Command & Conquer: Red Alert 3 as Natasha).
Oh, honey, that’s not how you apply foundation!
Opening with an on the run Mallory Kane meeting Aaron at a diner, Kane quickly ends up beating him up, as he’s assigned to take her in. Now in a stolen car, she relates her tale to her hostage Scott, letting us into her recent escapades in Barcelona and subsequent betrayal in Ireland. Though fleeing from every law enforcement branch in the country, she remains calm and collected while trying to evade her pursuers.
Haywire‘s greatest strength is the choreography, but unfortunately I’ve seen things that may Haywire look like a snooze in the park. Haywire does excel at showing just how brutal violence is, especially physical violence in close quarters. Mallory Kane battles several men in claustrophobic situations, either trapped or led to an isolated area. Kane doesn’t back down from the fights, either out of a sense of desperate survival or a sense of duty to track the one man who escaped the raid on a hostage situation.
I’m just gonna take a big smoke on my phallic symbol…
Hi, yes, I recently bought your Automatic 2000 garage door opener, and I think there may be a problem…
All the news that if you didn’t read it, it’s news to you!
**Michael Arndt, who helped write Toy Story 3, is writing Star Wars Episode VII. No word on a director yet except for a different rumor every day, all of which we’re ignoring.
**Collider has the first picture of Tom Cruise in All You Need is Kill, a movie titled by my 7 year old self. It’s basically Groundhog Day vs. Starship Troopers and is based on a manga by Hiroshi Sakurazaka. Emily Blunt and Bill Paxton costar.
The story unfolds in a near future in which a hive-like alien race, called Mimics, have hit the Earth in an unrelenting assault, shredding great cities to rubble and leaving millions of human casualties in their wake. No army in the world can match the speed, brutality or seeming prescience of the weaponized Mimic fighters or their telepathic commanders. But now the world’s armies have joined forces for a last stand offensive against the alien horde, with no second chances.
Lt. Col. Bill Cage (Cruise) is an officer who has never seen a day of combat when he is unceremoniously demoted and then dropped—untrained and ill-equipped—into what amounts to little more than a suicide mission. Cage is killed within minutes, managing to take an Alpha down with him. But, impossibly, he awakens back at the beginning of the same hellish day, and is forced to fight and die again…and again. Direct physical contact with the alien has thrown him into a time loop—dooming him to live out the same brutal combat over and over.
But with each pass, Cage becomes tougher, smarter, and able to engage the Mimics with increasing skill, alongside Special Forces warrior Rita Vrataski (Blunt), who has lain waste to more Mimics than anyone on Earth. As Cage and Rita take the fight to the aliens, each repeated battle becomes an opportunity to find the key to annihilating the alien invaders and saving the Earth.
**Serial murderer Nancy Grace has a book called The Eleventh Victim which became a Lifetime movie starring World Metta Peace and a pill-popping Jennie Garth.
**Ninja Dixon sketches the Mark of the Devil!
**And You Thought It Was Safe examines The Creature Walks Among Us
**Will The Man with the Iron Fists stop Can’t Stop The Movies?
**Speaking of CSTM, the Pre-Code Follies have been moved to their own site, Pre-Code.com!
**CinemaKatz is cursed by The Raven!
**TheVern dances The FP!
Until next time, which will be later today!
Gina Carano kicks all sorts of butt for 90 minutes. I’m there, dude!