Tag Archives: Asylum

Asylum’s Blood Lake: Attack of the Killer Lampreys trailer

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Blood Lake Attack of the Killer Lampreys

Needs more blood and more lake


[adrotate banner=”1″]The trailer for Asylum’s Blood Lake: Attack of the Killer Lampreys has been posted by Entertainment Weakly, which deserves the derisive nickname for assigning the article to a writer who doesn’t even know what the heck a lamprey is, and spends a whole paragraph copying from Wikipedia. Good job there, that money you saved from firing your film critics is paying off in dividends, EW!

But enough complaining about failing media juggernauts, Blood Lake: Attack of the Killer Lampreys is one of the creature feature films that will be premiering on Animal Planet (speaking of failing media juggernauts…), which has decided that nature can go screw itself and fake reality shows and killer monster movies are the future of nature documentaries. Sadly, the ratings are proving them right (okay, so they aren’t failing, just failing in their mission!)

Blood Lake: Attack of the Killer Lampreys stars Shannon Doherty, Christopher Lloyd, and Jason Brooks. Brooks and Doherty are Mike and Cat, who have moved to the new town so Mike can help Mayor Akerman (Lloyd) deal with the lampreys. Yada yada yada, swipe from Jaws and bring buckets of blood. Blood Lake: Attack of the Killer Lampreys airs May 25th. More information on Animal Planet’s sudden interest in becoming SyFy is available here.

via EWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!

Sharknado 3 and Sharknado vinyl!

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Sharknado pop vinyl
[adrotate banner=”1″]Sharknado Sharknado Sharknado! Yes, it’s true, the SyFy disasterpiece Sharknado will be a trilogy, Asylum has confirmed it. That’s about all they confirmed this far out, expect it to air summer 2015 on SyFy. No word on if that will be the only original movie on SyFy in 2015, as 2014 is turning out to be a drought year for creature features. Other companies need to get into the monsters in tornadoes genre if they want any hope of being on television. (Actually, please don’t do that, other companies!)

Sharknado 2 airs July 31, 2014 on SyFy.

If you like vinyl figures and Sharknadoes, then you will love the Sharknado vinyl from Funko/Pop! Vinyl, which comes out in June.

Via Adweek

Asteroid vs. Earth in Asylum’s latest scifi thriller!

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[adrotate banner=”1″]If you aren’t thrilled by asteroids threatening the planet, then feel free to skip on by, because those of us who are won’t want to miss a thing about the new film Asteroid vs. Earth!

When a shower of massive meteors threatens Earth’s inhabitants with extinction, the world’s greatest minds devise a dangerous plan that will tilt the planet off its axis to avoid the impact.

Yes, you read that right. Instead of going to the asteroid and blowing it up, they’re going to TILT THE FREAKING EARTH! This is some hardcore crazy outside the box thinking, and I’m pretty sure this hasn’t been done before. Tia Carrere stars, along with Robert Davi, Jason Brooks, and Tukov himself, Tim Russ. Christopher Ray (2-Headed Shark Attack) directs, and Adam Lipsius writes (this is his first feature) How are they going to move the Earth? I don’t know, but I hope it involves really big skateboards.

The Asteroid vs Earth Blu-ray is available on Amazon(affiliate link) It hits the street on April 29th!

The real question is who would win in a four-way matchup, Asteroid vs Earth vs Airlane vs Volcano? A question that will haunt us, until we remember that Sharknado would destroy them all!

via Asylum
Asteroid vs Earth

The Coed and the Zombie Stoner – new high art from Asylum!

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[adrotate banner=”1″]Asylum is just cranking out the films faster than I can keep up with them by randomly checking their website every month or so. To wit, their tweet about the new film The Coed and the Zombie Stoner, which will be premiering exclusively on XBox Live, aka meaning I won’t be able to see it. But it looks like another Asylum softcore romp, this time the gimmick is there is a zombie pothead. Hey, that’s combining three different genres into one! Who said Asylum doesn’t know how to roll things up together. Idiots, that’s who! It says “Sex, drugs, and the walking dead” right on the poster!

When a nerdy sorority girl falls in love with a zombie, it’s only a matter of time before a zombie apocalypse is unleashed on campus. The sorority girl discovers that weed is the cure–now she must smoke out the entire school before it’s too late.

Yes, weed cures zombies now. It’s true, I heard it from Cypress Hill. I think. I can’t remember, I was pretty high, but it was probably Cypress Hill, or some guy who was on a hill. Hm…

The Coed and the Zombie Stoner stars Mindy Robinson(Asian School Girls), Jamie Noel(Bikini Spring Break), Grant O’Connell(m4m), Catherine Annette(Emmanuelle Through Time: Emmanuelle’s Supernatural Sexual Activity), Ben Whalen(A Leading Man), Andrew Clements(Bikini Spring Break), Jared Cohn(Underground Lizard People) and Lena Young(The Potstickers). It’s directed by Glenn Miller(The Bell Witch Haunting) and written by Scotty Mullen (who hasn’t written anything else) Anyone with XBox Live want to check in and say if this is any fun, feel free. Otherwise, the rest of use will have to wait until this gets a wider release.

Asylum
The Coed and the Zombie Stoner Asylum

Asian School Girls trailer!

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Asian School Girls dropped a trailer and it looks like a fun revenge romp with lots of people getting schooled by the school girls with glorious violence. April 15th is the day this hits the streets!

Asian high schoolers Hannah (Sam Aotaki), Vivian (Minnie Scarlet), and May (Catherine Hyein Kim) are kidnapped by a sex slavery ring, but the girls eventually turn the tables on their kidnappers and get revenge.

Minnie Scarlet not safe for work social media:
Twitter (NSFW) – https://twitter.com/MinnieScarlet
Tumblr (NSFW) – http://minniescarlet.tumblr.com
RebelMayhem (NSFW) – http://rebelmayhem.com/author/minnie-scarlet/

Sam Aotaki social media:
Twitter
Tumblr
Instagram
Facebook

Catherine Hyein Kim social media:
Twitter
Instagram

via Asylum

Killer Lampreys, Zombie Cats – Is Animal Planet the future home of SyFy Creature Features?

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Lamprey
[adrotate banner=”1″]Animal Planet has deviated from animals in recent years with lame tv shows like Finding Bigfoot (spoiler: they don’t) or ridiculous specials on Mermaids, which had two whole specials about how mermaids just may be real and also Animal Planet has been huffing too much glue. But enough on how stupid the Mermaids: The Body Found and Mermaids: The New Evidence are, and how the US government had to put out a press release saying mermaids aren’t real (This actually happened!), because now Animal Planet is airing original movies.

Most notably, they are airing Asylum’s Blood Lake: Attack of the Killer Lampreys on Memorial Day, May 25th. Blood Lake: Attack of the Killer Lampreys stars Shannon Doherty, Christopher Lloyd, and Jason Brooks as lampreys attack a Michigan town like lampreys are known to do.

Brooks and Doherty are Mike and Cat, who have moved to the new town so Mike can help Mayor Akerman (Lloyd) deal with the lampreys. Animal Planet series River Monsters star Jeremy Wade also appears, odds are he’s gonna get chomped to show how serious the situation is.

And that’s not all, there is something called Man-Eating Zombie Cats also airing on Animal Planet –

An incurable zombie-like pathogen is spreading fast, turning big cats around the world into fearless man killers. These mindless predators have a sensational thirst for blood and the human population is now their biggest target.

Basically, it’s The Corpse Grinders, except with tigers. I can’t find any other information about this…film?

And let’s not forget Nature’s Most Wanted, which will be a series where people look for man-eating crocodiles and alligators and things. I’m sure it will be a serious discussion about man’s encroachment upon nature and the lack of sufficient natural space for apex predators, and not a ridiculous farce.

All of the prior films are part of Monster Week, but…

That’s still not all, because Animal Planet has ordered another film called Revenge of the Whale, based on the tale that inspired Moby Dick and starring Martin Sheen!

Sheen will portray Thomas Nickerson, who tells a story about his life as a cabin boy on the ill-fated voyage of the whaling ship The Essex. The movie is a co-production with the BBC and reimagines what happened when the most hunted sea creature finally turned on its killers and fought back.

All of this I prefer to Animal Planet’s current programming, including a fake and animal mistreating show called Call of the Wildman that deserves to get a bunch of fuckos arrested for animal abuse.

So. Yeah. Animal Planet. Your new home for monster movies. After all, SyFy hasn’t aired a film all year (Bermuda Tentacles on April 12th will be their first all year!), so the diaspora must go somewhere. And with Animal Planet’s increasingly stupid programming, it is the perfect fit for killer zombie tigers.

Zombie Tigers

I would watch this film!


Zombie Tigers via PlasticAndPlush

Lamprey image via Wikimedia commons