Bikini Jones and the Temple of Eros
Bikini Jones and the Temple of Eros
2010
Written and Directed by Fred Olen Ray (as Nicholas Medina)
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Hey! Zip it while I’m translating ancient ruins, buddy!
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We’re back in black and back in bikinis for yet another entry in the ever-growing Fred Olen Ray Bikini Movie Madness! This time, the world of Indiana Jones gets bikinied a Bikini Jones! Join that ever-sexy science field of archeology as Bikini Jones seduces her hands onto the Idol so she can unlock its secrets before the never-do-wells get their mitts on it and on Bikini Jones’s own golden idol. Bikini Jones features many of the regular cast members circa 2010, most of which have appeared in enough films it’s simpler just to link to their tags than to list all the films over and over again for each actor. Fred Olen Ray reuses the talent because they can get the job done, and done right, and done quickly. But mostly done right.
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The later seasons of The Dog Whisperer started to throw in gimmicks for ratings…
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Bikini Jones is fun, has fun things going on, and is worth your time. But don’t take my word for it, read the review and then take my word for it! Wait a minute…
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Olsen Twin Cop! She’s a cop, and an Olsen Twin.
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What do you call a tyrannosaurus that talks and talks and talks? A dinobore! I’ll be here all week, folks.
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Dirty Blondes 2
Dirty Blondes 2
2006
Directed by Francis Locke
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Good thing these ancient Indians wrote “Made in Malaysia” on this ancient pot in English…
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Dirty Blondes 2 is the Speed 2: Cruise Control of the Dirty Blonde Franchise. Which I think is just these two films, as another feature called More Dirty Blondes doesn’t seem to be related at all. Dirty Blondes 2 continues the riveting Dirty Blondes story, as two teams search for evidence of American and Polynesian contact, though this time instead of looking for pottery, they’re looking for a stone dildo. Because that proves…something. Whatever. The classic Dirty Blondes tropes are there – sexy archeology, female archeologists don’t wear pants, female archeologists take long showers and have sex with all of their digging partners, and long-missing ancient artifacts with Earth-shattering secrets are just lying on the ground in mint condition.
Torchlight Pictures, Francis Locke, and Blade Simpson combine together for another softcore with almost three minutes of plot stretched between many long long long long long long long sex scenes. And let’s not forget a liberal use of one long long long long long long long sex scene from the previous film. My theory is the budget was whatever Torchlight Pictures found while rummaging though the couch cushions. We all know the name of the game, so let’s meet the players:
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The Dirty Blondes Collection, coming this fall to Marshall’s!
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La-la-la, getting naked for no reason, la-la-la
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Categories: Movies, Ugly Tags: archeology is sexy, Ben Campezi, Blade Simpson, Dino Bravo, Francis Locke, Holly Hollywood, Jana Cova, Nicole Oring, Overly long sex scenes, softcore, Torchlight Pictures, Xara Diaz
Dirty Blondes
Dirty Blondes
2004
Written and directed by Francis Locke
The only thing you need to know is “Bottomless Archeology”
From Torchlight Pictures comes another softcore flick involving five minutes of plot and 80 minutes of getting it on. This time, the action concerns groups of archeologists at two dig sites and their exciting adventures of digging up some bowls the producer bought at Ross that weekend. One of the two locations of the action is the Mojave Desert, which is played by the desert location that is used in a lot of Torchlight Pictures films. Dirty Blondes even spawned a sequel that takes place in the same desert. The pair of titular Dirty Blondes are not in the desert, but are located in set piece number two, a lush rainforest. This helps break up the monotony of the bleak desert landscape. Let’s also applaud Dirty Blondes for not having any scene be set in a hotel, like most of the other Torchlight Pictures desert features.
Francis Locke breaks out another picture that has its plot on the ultra-Slim-Fast diet. The songs of Blade Simpson (if that is his real name) is used for the soundtrack, which is the same Blade Simpson CD used in practically every Torchlight film that uses him as a soundtrack. Familiar music can sometimes be comforting, such as the familiar music in the Fred Olen Ray Bikini movies or the songs in Jim Wynorski flicks.
Once again, the world of archeology is sexy. It’s the most sexy science field according to all these softcore flicks, where they’re always uncovering ancient sexy civilizations or spirits of queens or artifacts that make people want to bone. You rarely see biochemists getting it on.
Let’s get this archeological dig started, Indiana Jones style! As for the dudes in the cast, I don’t know who is who for Rafe or Scott Alexander, so I’m sadly not able to mention humorous porn titles they’ve been in. It will be a mystery for the ages.
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Cango Korkusuz Adam
Cango Korkusuz Adam
aka Django vs. Kilink aka Cango Ölüm Süvarisi / Korkusuz Adam
1967
Written by Recep Ekicigil
Directed by Remzi Jöntürk
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Scene guest directed by the director of Battlefield Earth!
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Remember last month when this site and Die, Danger, Die, Die, Kill! both reviewed a long-lost Turkish Kilink film that suddenly became found? Well, it’s deja vu all over again because here’s ANOTHER double lost Killink review! Cango Korkusuz Adam. This time, Killink travels to the Old West where he’s trying to take over valuable land with a gold mine on it, and terrorizing the adjoining town. Sadly for Killink, the nephew of the man he kills to get the land shows up and is so cowboy that even a guy dressed in a skeleton costume and a cowboy hat can’t stand a chance, because he become Django! Or as he’s called in Turkish, Cango! Neither name is Rango, though, so don’t get too excited.
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More lost Killink films??!!
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Cango Korkusuz Adam is another flick that was unavailable, except for the fact it showed up on TV! Oddly enough, the print used looks pretty tore up and like the tape it was playing on was getting a bit long in the tooth. As it was shown without subtitles, two enterprising young dudes made some custom subtitles which are very good (except they confuse the words for niece and nephew, leading to a lot of talk about McLan’s niece Cango. And as this is a Turkish film, the only soundtrack is a stolen soundtrack.
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This is the worst production of Pirates of the Penzance I’ve ever seen!
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Cango Korkusuz Adam turns out to be a pretty okay old western that just happens to have Killink as a villain. It’s like an oater/comic book mashup. You could easily see this as an old 1930s western, or even an episode of Gunsmoke! Chiko is pretty much Festus and Cango is close to Matt Dillon. We even have Rozita as Miss Kitty!
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Nothing says tough Western saloon like kitten posters on the wall!
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Damn Red Ryder BB gun…
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Categories: Movies, Ugly Tags: Figen Say, Kilink, Oktar Durukan, Recep Ekicigil, Remzi Jöntürk, Tunç Oral, Turkey, western, Yavuz Karakaş, Yilmaz Köksal
Terror of Mechagodzilla
Terror of Mechagodzilla
aka Mekagojira no gyakushu aka メカゴジラの逆襲
1975
Written by Yukiko Takayama
Directed by Ishiro Honda
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Titanosaurus, DirectTV pioneer
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Terror of Mechagodzilla is a direct followup to the previous film, Godzilla vs. Mechagodzilla. It’s also the final film of the Showa era, one of the few films to show direct continuity that would be used more in the Heisei films, and the final Godzilla work of some G-legends, Ishiro Honda and Akihiko Hirata. It also bombed horribly, helping lead to a decade-long absence of Godzilla in film form. Overall, Terror of Mechagodzilla is a mixed bag. The action sequences are some of the most violent and explosive of the older films, but they’re obviously trying to compensate from the lower budget (many scenes suddenly end up in the countryside) and the hectic explosions loose their danger after the 1 millionth giant boom.
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Being a little mermaid sure is boring…
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Ishiro Honda doesn’t sleep on the job, making up for the lower filming budget with some neat visual stylizing. A flashback to Professor Mafune’s descent into madness is shown via sepia-toned photographs while narration explains. Katsura’s lament that Titanosaurus is to be used as a murderous weapon is juxtaposed with other alien-controlled kaiju from prior films played on a quad-screen shot. Godzilla’s first appearance is one of the better introduction scenes in his history.
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The alien command center is in some Trekker guy’s basement?
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While Godzilla vs. Mechagodzilla showed a trend towards more serious, Terror of Mechagodzilla straddled the edge of serious and silly. The action sequences were more destructive, but the alien villains were more comic book. The cyborg daughter is played for tragedy, but it is obvious from the beginning that it will end in a downer and we’re just running through the steps until the final act. I am willing to accept that some of the sillier aspects are unintentional, such as the alien helmets or the complete lack of concern for hunting down the aliens by Interpol even after they’ve been spotted multiple times in the same area. But I can’t deny that I feel it is there, and it clouds Terror of Mechagodzilla in a way that the prior film did not have.
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Titanosaurus was tragically hit by a meteor during the filming of this scene…
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メカゴジラの逆襲 (translation: Counterattack of Mechagodzilla) was first released in the US in theaters in 1978 under the title The Terror of Godzilla. The US rights were held by Henry Saperstein, who sold Bob Conn Enterprises the film rights, but also released the movie itself on TV in 1978 as Terror of Mechagodzilla. This cut is credited to UPA Productions of America, and features an additional six minutes of scenes taken from other Godzilla films and narrated to serve as an introduction to Godzilla (this sequence is detailed below), the only think cut was a brief shot of Katsura’s fake breasts during a surgery scene. By the mid-1980s, there was a new cut on tv that featured many of the violent scenes cut down, as well as not having the opening narration. There are some that say this was the theatrical cut, though I don’t know why the theater cut would have removed the violence when that seems more of a tv cut thing to do. That cut was the most widely available for decades, including the original version I saw before I got a tape of the original cut. I have still not seen the restored DVD, hence the screenshots are either from the old VHS tape or the earlier DVD.
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For some reason, the humans won’t take us serious!
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And as March of Godzilla 2012 continues, let’s get us to the Roll Call!
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G is for Godzooky, that’s good enough for me!
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Categories: Movies, Ugly Tags: Akihiko Hirata, Annoying Kenny kid, Godzilla, Goro Mutsumi, Henry G. Saperstein, Ise Mori, Ishiro Honda, Japan, kaiju, Katsuhiko Sasaki, Katsumasa Uchida, Katsumi Nimiamoto, King Ghidorah, Manda, March of Godzilla 2012, Masaaki Daimon, Mechagodzilla, Rodan, Titanosaurus, Tomoe Mari, Tomoko Ai, Toru Ibuki, Toru Kawai, Yukiko Takayama
Zone Fighter Episode 15 – Chinbotsu! Gojira-yo Tokyo-wo Sukue
Zone Fighter Episode 15 – Chinbotsu! Gojira-yo Tokyo-wo Sukue
aka Submersion! Godzilla, Save Tokyo! aka It’s Sinking! Godzilla, Save Tokyo
1973
Written by Kohei Oguri & Norio Komata
Directed by Kengo Furusawa
Zone Fighter stumbles through another episode, where hundreds of people die due to the Garoga menace, but the Zone Family still doesn’t tell anyone in positions of authority on Earth about the alien invaders. Sorry, innocent people, I guess your lives just don’t matter. At least Godzilla shows up again. I was getting sick of these non-Godzilla episodes with giant chickens and exploding birthday cakes. So now that Godzilla is here we’ll have something awesome happen, right? Maybe? At least Godzilla seems to care more about everyone dying than the Zones, as Godzilla shows up out of nowhere to fight the Terror-Beast Zandora who is responsible for the chaos. Either that, or Godzilla is upset that Zandora looks like a giant wang. Either way, his appearance here is greatly appreciated!
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Stop the world, I want to get off!
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March of Godzilla 2012 is proud to bring yet another Godzilla Zone Fighter episode. If you are Zone Fighter ignorant, there is plenty of Zone Fighter information available on the Splash Page.
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Godzilla and Zandora slow dance as Zone Fighter is buried under the ground
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New opening credits? Holy Fratz! Instead of telling us the same boring story about Peaceland getting blown up each week, everything is now implied via effects shots as the Zone Fighter song plays. This opening is much better. Perhaps Zone Fighter is looking up!
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When you build Warhammer maps on fault lines, things go bad…
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There are earthquakes striking Tokyo. Instead of slight tremors, these are all like 9.5 Richter scale quakes! And since one single quake caused a huge tsunami and nuke meltdown and other problems in reality, the quakes shown briefly in the beginning would have destroyed Japan and half of Asia in real life!
Zone Fighter has a huge body count for a kids show.
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Only Godzilla is awesome enough to headbutt a drill
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Categories: Movies, Ugly Tags: Godzilla, Japan, kaiju, Kengo Furusawa, Kohei Oguri, March of Godzilla 2012, Norio Komata, tokusatsu, Zandora, Zone Fighter
