Remakes Are StupidRemakes are stupid. They are also big business, so they are showing up around Hollywood like a zombie plague. But shooting these guys in the head doesn’t kill them, it only makes them have DTV prequels. They’ve invented terms: reboot, reimagining, threeboot, threemake, restart. But it is all the same thing. A cheap attempt to make a buck without being original. Why spend money developing a brand when you can just utilize some established cred. Just don’t worry what will happen when all the cred is gone, stupid teenagers will still go see your films. Here is a huge list of remakes/reboots/other crap in development, soon to rape your childhood at a theater near you.
And Soon The Darkness – the 1970 original’s remake is directed by Marcos Efron and starring Karl Urban and Adriana Barraza. It has the advantage of being a lesser known film to begin with.
Arthur – The 1981 original starring Dudley Moore as the rich alcoholic who is loveable or something is getting rebranded as a Russell Brand vehicle (did you see what I did there?) Peter Baynham is set to script. Release date unknown.
Barbarella - Robert Rodriguez lost funding on this one after he insisted (now ex-) girlfriend Rose McGowan star in it (like he also insisted she star in Red Sonja and everything else he is trying to make) and the whole thing has been dropped by him and passed over to Legally Blonde’s director Robert Luketic. The 1968 original was only rated PG, thus allowing small children like me to see the awesome space strip scene on Cinemax at 2 in the afternoon.
Battlestar Galactica is being fast-tracked for a big-budget movie remake despite the fact the now ended tv series remake is still pumping out new material. Bryan Singer signed on to direct, he was originally going to do a version in 2001 until the 9-11 attacks happened and the studio went into panic mode.
The Blob – Rob Zombie is going to remake the Blob, without the Blob. Rob Zombie is terrible. What he says is: `My intention is not to have a big red blobby thing, that’s the first thing I want to change,’ Zombie said. `That gigantic Jello-looking thing might have been scary to audiences in the 1950s, but people would laugh now. I have a totally different take, one that’s pretty dark.’ I am already scared because Rob Zombie movies are all horrible, but at least the DreadCentral.com podcast after this gets released will be hilarious.
Buffy The Vampire Slayer – The director of the original Buffy The Vampire Slayer, Fran Rubel Kuzui, is remaking her own 1992 movie and possibly rebooting the franchise It will have no Joss Whedon and will be ignoring the tv show
Clash Of The Titans – The Incredible Hulk director Louis Leterrie is set to direct Sam Worthington, Liam Neeson, Ralph Fiennes and Gemma Arterton in the remake of the 1981 Ray Harryhausen classic due out March 2010.
Cliffhanger - producer Neil Moritz famously said they are rebooting 1993′s Cliffhanger because they rebooted Star Trek. He is a moron.
Conan - Conan has been rumored almost forever, from the ill-fated King Conan script to Brett Ratner signing on and then signing off to Marcus Nispel hopping on board. 1982 was when the original came out, and 2011 is when the remake is slated.
The Crazies – George A Romero’s 1973 film returns with Joe Anderson and Timothy Olyphant directed by Sahara helmer Breck Eisner. Scott Kosar wrote it, so blame him if you don’t like it. February 2010 is the date.
Creature From The Black Lagoon – Breck Eisner was supposed to direct this remake as well, but seems to have dropped out. The new version is written by Gary Ross, son of Arthur A. Ross, a cowriter of the 1954 original. 2011 is still the target.
The Crow – director of Blade Stephen Norrington is writing and directing the restarting of the Crow franchise. No word on which son of an action star legend will be killed making this one. 1994 was the original, which had several sequels.
Daredevil – 2003′s Daredevil was hacked to pieces by the studio and turned ridiculous, not that it was amazing to begin with. But the whole thing is being dropped and restarted.
Dirty Dancing – Nobody puts baby in the corner, but they sure will remake her ass! I guess the sequel wasn’t remake enough and the whole thing needed restarting. 1987 was the year of the original.
Drop Dead Fred – this 1991 comedy is one of the WTF remakes, because, WTF? Why? Russell Brand is rumored to star, with it being written by Dennis McNicholas. Is Russell Brand starring in every remake? He never had a slow walk around a pool ripping off his red bikini top (that I know of) so this will never live up to the original.
Excalibur - Before Bryan Singer gives us unneeded Battlestar rebooting, he’s going to remake Excalibur. There was a King Arthur movie a few years ago with Keira Knightly running around all blue and it was terrible. But this is “a more epic fantasy version” – aka it will be 300-ized. King Arthur wasn’t exactly historically accurate, but, whatever. Why bother to get remake rights if you aren’t even going to remake the film but just do your own thing? It is not like the name Excalibur is trademarked, it is a public domain legend!
Fantastic Four – Daredevil is not the only Marvel franchise getting restarted, the Fantastic Four is rumored to be getting restarted as well. Since the originals were 100% boring and bland that had so much failed potential with the big pictures while having lots of smaller things done correctly, maybe we’ll get something done right this time! Yeah, whatever.
Flash Gordon – Flash Gordon rules, but even he needs to get remade every generation. This time Breck Eisner is supposed to direct, and I doubt it will be campy good fun like the 1982 classic.
Fletch - Fletch has been in development forever, both as a prequel, a sequel, and a remake of the 1985 original. Kevin Smith, Zach Braff, Joshua Jackson, have all be attached at some point. Eventually, this will get made, so expect it. Chevy Chase returning is the latest rumor wheel.Flight Of The Navigator – Brad Copeland is writing this remake of the 1986 original. But will they get Pee-Wee Herman to voice the alien again? I doubt it. So it will suck.
Footloose - Everybody cut footloose, and everybody has cut out of Footloose at some time or another. We’ve lost practically the entire High School Musical cast along the way (and is currently being directed by the director of all three HSMs!), and ended up with Gossip Girl’s Chace Crawford starring. I don’ know who he is, but this movie will be terrible regardless.
Fright Night – Another classic that scared a generation is getting remade because that’s where the money is. Only producers Michael De Luca, Michael Gaeta and Alison Rosenzweig are connected so far. The 1985 original starred Herman from Herman’s Head and Mannequin 2 star William Ragsdale, along with Amanda Bearse pre-Married With Children and Roddy MacDowall. It was good.
Girls Just Want To Have Fun – expect every crappy tween queen on Disney Channel to show up in this film I will never see. Michelle Morgan wil be writing. The 1985 original featured Helen Hunt and Sarah Jessica Parker.
Guys And Dolls – If you stop seeing plays turned into movies, then they’ll stop making them. At least it has been over 50 years since the last film version of this (unless there was a tv movie or something) Guy Ritchie is somehow attached to direct this, but no one will approach Marlon Brando and Frank Sinatra, so expect Jason Statham to wash that man right out of her hair with a hail of bullets and some kung fu.
Harvey - the 1950 original starring Jimmy Stewart is pretty much perfect, so let’s destroy its memory by remaking it! Suck it, Hollywood!
Highlander – Despite them turning out DTV sequels to the franchise recently (and they were beyond terrible), they have decided to do away with the whole thing and start all over. Writers Art Marcum and Matt Holloway wrote Iron Man, so maybe there is hope. No release date yet. 1986 saw the original on screen.
Judge Dredd – this totally needed a remake. Or not. I don’t care at all. The original 1995 Stallone film was goofy and I never read the comics, so color me unimpressed.
Masters Of The Universe – This one also keeps getting almost started. Writer Justin Marks and director John Stevenson (of Kung Fu Panda fame) are supposed to be doing it, but no more news has surfaced. The 1987 original live action film had Dolph Lungdren, Frank Langella, Courtney Cox, and Tom Paris, but it was terrible. I saw it in theaters and loved it, and I still do.
The Mechanic - the 1972 Charles Bronson film is returning with Jason Statham taking over and Simon West directing. 2010 will be the day the Mechanic mechanicizes.
Mona Lisa – the 1986 film I have never seen with Bob Hoskins is getting remade with Mickey Rourke and eva Green. Larry Clark (?!?) wrote and is directing, so expect it to be filled with lots of underage kids having sex.
Mother’s Day – The 1980 Troma classic is coming back thanks to the Saw director Darren Lynn Bousman. Jaime King and Alex Vega joined up recently, and Mother’s Day 2010 is the date it is supposed to be out.
The Neverending Story – It will never end, but it will also be remade! Another million people see their childhood raped. The 1984 original had two sequels that were increasingly terrible.
A Nightmare On Elm Street - Jason and Michael have been rebooted, so of course Freddy had to be. Watchmen’s Jackie Earle Haley stars and Samuel Bayer directs.
Old Boy - The American remake of this 2003 Korean film keeps getting threatened, but will it ever exist? Only someone who can see the future knows. And he is a jerk who won’t give me the lotto numbers. Rumors in the past include starring Will Smith or Keanu Reeves, as well as direction by Steven Spielberg. India just went ahead and did their own version of it without permission.
Outland - The 1981 Sean Connery film is returning, with Chad St. John writing and the director of Shoot ‘Em Up directing, Michael Davis.
The Party – They are remaking the 1968 Blake Edwards film that took place at a party, funny enough. Jonathan Kesselman is helming with three writers: Jim Russo, Brandon Gibson and producer Marco Garibaldi. So many writers already? That spells quality. No word on a start date yet. You can cry if you want to.
The Phantom – Phantom is being rebooting, and writer Tim Boyle is adamant that it will have nothing to do with the 1996 Billy Zane movie. How about worrying less about that, and worrying more about writing a good script? I guess you need something to blame when this bombs.
Piranha 3-D – Alexandre Aja (The Hills Have Eyes) is helming the second remake of Piranha (1978, the first remake was in 1995) This time it is in 3D, hence the title. Starring Richard Dreyfuss, Jerry O’Connell and Elizabeth Shue. Expect it to bite theaters in March 2010.
Predators - Still arguing over whether this is a reboot or not, we’re just declaring it is. Robert Rodriguez is producing, and Nimrod Antal is directing. Nimrod…
Red Dawn – This war porn for right-wing wackos is coming out in 2010 and is starring one of Tom Cruise’s kids. It will suck and I’ll have to read about it forever now on Right Wing websites, so suck it, Hollywood.
Red Sonja – was originally proposed by Robert Rodriguez that Rose MacGowen star (posters were even made up) but everything she touches turns to ash and the whole thing fell apart. I am not sure if it is dead yet.
Romancing The Stone – The 1984 original is one of the earliest films I remember seeing in the theater. This remake is being written by Daniel McDermott and that is all we know.
The Shadow – What remakes lurk in the heart of men? The Shadow knows. He knows a lot. Far too much. The Shadow is seconds away from blowing his brains out after seeing all these films getting remade. And so will you. The only name attached so far is producer Sam Raimi.
Slap Shot – After two DTV sequels, they just decided to remake the damn film, and gave it to Dean Parisot, the director of Galaxy Quest. Peter Steinfeld is writing the remake of the 1977 classic.
Straw Dogs – Director and writer Rod Lurie is churning this one out, the remake of the 1971 Sam Peckinpah film. James Marsden stars. I can imagine the rape scene will be completely different. And also the film will be terrible.
Superman - If Warner Brothers does not get a new Superman film out by 2011, they lose the rights. They have also already lost the rights to Krypton and a few other things. Expect it to be just as terrible as the Singer film if it even materializes.
Sympathy for Lady Vengeance – another Chan-wook Park film is slated to be redone, with Slumdog Millionaire director Danny Boyle running away screaming. Charlize Theron is connected to this as well. And that’s all the news there.
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles – Sure we had a recent CGI movie that was a loose sequel, but let’s dump all of that and restart with it being live action and CGI. Sigh…
Tell No One – Tell no one that this book that was made into a French film is now getting Americanized. We call it Freedom No One.
The Thing - Is it a sequel or a prequel or a remake? Too many people saying stuff. But as the 1982 film was also a remake, maybe things are a big circle. Whatever it is, fanboys will be angry. It has Matthijs van Heijningen as director and Ronald D. Moore as writer.
Tomb Raider – Angelina Jolie is all busted and old, so she’s getting replaced. That’s what you get for being old, woman! The 2001 original got one sequel.
Total Recall – The original starred my governor, who destroyed the ecosystem of Mars before he destroyed the economy of California. Now the movie based on the Philip K Dick story We Can Remember It For You Wholesale is set to get remade once the new version is written. It will not star nearly as many Star Trek actors as the original.
True Grit – John Wayne won an Oscar for this in 1969, so now the Coen Brothers are taking it on and following the book more.
Videodrome – The David Cronenberg is getting destroyed as writer Ehren Kruger has been said to be turning this into an action film. Any update of this will take away from the message because they will screw it up. So say I, a guy who knows how to tell when things will be screwed up.
X: The Man With X-Ray Eyes – The 1963 Roger Corman classic is being redone by MGM, with 28 Weeks Later’s Juan Carlos Fresnadillo is slated to direct and 2012 is projected release date
Yellow Submarine - Robert Zemeckis is gearing up to produce a motion capture CGI animation remake of the Beetle’s classic, just like the creepy Jim Carrey Christmas Carol movie coming soon and the creepy The Polar Express movie with Tom Hanks. There is no doubt Yellow Submarine will be incredibly creepy.