Justice League Dark (Review)

Justice League Dark

Justice League Dark
2017
Story by J.M. DeMatteis and Ernie Altbacker
Screenplay by Ernie Altbacker
Directed by Jay Oliva

Justice League Dark
The animated world is in danger once again (stupid world, stop being in danger!) and only the Justice League can save them. No, not the normal Justice League, this is Justice League Dark! And Batman for some reason. That reason is money. Keep in mind this is Justice League Dark, not Justice League After Dark, that’s the porn version debuting on Cinemax next year! Just kidding. Or am I? Yes.

Now let’s get to an actual review and not string of consciousness awful jokes. Justice League Dark follows the loose continuity the animated films have had since they got rebooted with Flashpoint/Justice League: War, including voices (and Matt Ryan from the Constantine tv series voices John Constantine here!) This time the team isn’t able to handle the threat, as the threat is supernatural in nature, so we need a different kind of hero. Supernatural heroes for a supernatural threat. Mainly John Constantine (of Keanu Reeves movie fame) and Zatanna, the magician lady I’m vaguely familiar with. There are others heroes like Deadman, who I hadn’t really known much about, but a ghost as a super hero does make a certain amount of sense. Maybe Casper should stop being so friendly and start taking down crime syndicates! This time, the ghosts are busting YOU!
Justice League Dark
I enjoyed the change of focus of heroes despite Batman being included so he could grunt every time something spooky happens. (And he does, Gotham City must be showing a lot of Home Improvement reruns) Usually movies like this have a regular guy character who all the characters that are steeped into the universe can explain things too (and thus explain to the audience!), but as Batman already knows a lot of things, he doesn’t really fit that well in the role.
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Posted by Tars Tarkas - March 23, 2017 at 7:53 am

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The Bride He Bought Online (Review)

The Bride He Bought Online

aka Flirting with Madness
The Bride He Bought Online Lifetime
2015
Written and directed by Christine Conradt

The Bride He Bought Online Lifetime

Good thing he never turned around to notice he was obviously being filmed


PRANKED!!! You got so pranked!

Lifetime brings us an amazing tale of pranking gone wrong, internet danger, guy who goes nuts, and teen girls stuffed in trunks! The Bride He Bought Online is pure, concentrated Lifetime amazement that raises the bar for their original movies. It’s not really that much of a surprise, for not only is this a Lifetime movies superstar writer Christine Conradt script, she also directs it! Conradt clearly knew she had to up her game, and blasted past that goal and then some! We can only hope this is the beginning of a new level of awesome flicks!

The Bride He Bought Online Lifetime

How dare you have a basic sense of human decency, what’s wrong with you???


It’s high school, and our trio of main girls are concerned with what everyone in high school is concerned with, views on their secret pranking website! Wait, huh? We’ve entered the world of internet prank videos, a genre that has flourished on YouTube despite the fact most of them are terrible and/or totally fake. But, sure, whatever you want to watch is your business, TarsTarkas.NET can’t really judge based on some of the films we’ve reviewed!

Avery Lindstrom (Anne Winters) is the nice girl who is so done with pranking and is thinking about her future, she also serves as a bookend narrator. Mandy Kim (Lauren Gaw) once was overweight and unpopular, but is now part of the cool squad and desperately wants to stay there. She is starting to have some moral objections to the non-stop pranks, but let’s Kaley push her around. Kaley Mack (Annalisa Cochrane) is attractive, popular, and is the driving force behind the secret prank website. She’s the reason the other two are popular at school, and schemes up the latest and greatest pranks in her quest for social media love.

“We need content. Content equals followers.” – Mandy
“And followers equals?” -Avery
“Everything!” – Kaley

The Bride He Bought Online Lifetime

Look, I’m beyond pranks now that I’m wearing a beanie


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Posted by Tars Tarkas - March 20, 2017 at 7:58 am

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Double Mommy quadruples down on Lifetime!

Double Mommy lifetime

I searched #18rapist on Twitter and it had no hits as of time of this posting, but…


A small while ago, Lifetime hit us with the hilariously titled Double Daddy, about a guy who knocked up two girls, one of which was troubled but also the character you started cheering for even when she became a murderer. In that spirit they are back with Double Mommy, but, no, it’s not about a girl who knocks up two other girls, it’s about a girl who is pregnant with twins, except they each have a different dad. Also one of the dads raped her! Wait, what??? Also the clear his name of being a rapist, he’s going to kill the pregnant girl? This is ridiculous, this is crazy, this is Lifetime!

After taking a break for the summer before their senior year, Ryan and Jess rekindle their relationship, and find out that Jess is pregnant with twins. When Ryan’s mother demands a paternity test, they find out that Ryan is only the father of one baby… The other father is Ryan’s best friend Bryce, who Ryan discovers date raped Jess at a party over the summer. With college recruiters and an overbearing father looming over Bryce’s head, he will stop at nothing to make sure that he clears his name–even if it means getting rid of Jess and her babies!

Double Mommy stars Morgan Obenreder (Mormon for a Month), Mark Grossman (Break-Up Nightmare), Griffin Freeman (Sugar Daddies), David Starzyk (Bring It On: Fight to the Finish), Bruce Boxleitner (Snakehead Terror) It’s written by veteran double drama writer Barbara Kymlicka (Double Daddy!) and directed by Doug Campbell (Stalked by My Doctor)

Double Mommy premieres Saturday, March 18th on Lifetime!

via Lifetime

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Posted by Tars Tarkas - March 16, 2017 at 11:36 pm

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Mommy’s Little Boy takes more child drama to Lifetime!

Mommy's Little Boy Lifetime

I just wanted to love snow and talk about snow, and now I’m trapped in a Lifetime movie!


It’s Mommy Madness Marathon for Lifetime, with two movies with “Mommy” in the title for lots of Lifetime fun. Besides Mommy’s Little Boy, we also have Double Mommy (hence why they’re not calling it a Double Mommy Weekend!), and both of these films are sequels in spirit to prior Lifetime movies with similar titles and creative teams! Mommy’s Little Boy gets our interest because it’s written by Christine Conradt, who writes so many awesome Lifetime flicks that I can’t even begin to list them all! She’s the person we write about the most when it comes to Lifetime movies, and for good reason, because she’s awesome! This means Mommy’s Little Boy will be packed with all sorts of twists and turns and crazy craziness that makes Lifetime original movies so amazing and unique!

When ten-year-old Eric’s older brother Max drowns, Eric’s mother Briana takes the death of her favorite son especially hard and spirals into a dark depression. Eric, already haunted guilt over not saving Max and desperate for attention, begins spending time with the family of his baseball coach Michael. When, in a drunken rage, Briana commits a fatal crime, she decides to take Eric and hit the road. Discovering he’s about to be ripped away from his surrogate family, Eric takes a stand against his mother and enlists the help of the person he trusts most–Michael.

Mommy’s Little Boy stars Bree Williamson (Sins of the Preacher ), Peter DaCunha (Home Alone: The Holiday Heist), Paul Popowic (Children of the Corn 666: Isaac’s Return), Sebastian Pigott (Roxy Hunter and the Mystery of the Moody Ghost), Natalie Lisinska (Sorority Surrogate), and Allison Graham (A Nanny’s Secret) It’s directed by Curtis Crawford (all the Lifetime _____ they Met Online movies)

Mommy’s Little Boy premieres Saturday, March 18th on Lifetime!

via Lifetime

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Posted by Tars Tarkas -  at 9:40 pm

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Cardinal X (Review)

Cardinal X

Cardinal X
2017
Written and directed by Angie Wong
Cardinal X
Back in the 1980s, much of the MDMA in the Bay Area came from a surprising source – a college student making it herself. The story is even largely true, with certain events and people amalgamated together and switched around for dramatic effect. But Angie Wang is real, she did make drugs while at Stanford, and survived to write and directed this autobiographical tale called Cardinal X

Angie Wang (Annie Q.) travels from New Jersey to not-Stanford to begin college, and her wild side lets her live a fun life. She immediately bonds with her roommate and they are soon partying it up at night and taking classes all day. There is trouble behind the scenes, her dad can’t afford the tuition, and Angie can’t escape flashbacks to tragic events in her life such as family discord and sexual assaults. Angie is smart, and quickly sees a need for a supplier in MDMA in the local party scene, and thanks to a new job as a lab assistant and a loophole in the law, she’s soon manufacturing a pile of pills to bring in extra money. We all know this is going to spiral out of control, so hang on for the ride!

Angie sees herself as broken, beyond the rape and assaults, her mother left her with her father when she was young, and her father was always working and emotionally distant. He is constantly worried about money. Angie internalizes the bad things that happened to her in life and her wild party behavior, thinking she’s too flawed to be with anyone normal. Nice guy Tommy (Scott Keiji Takeda) befriends her during the first few weeks of school, and she even spends part of a holiday with his normal, happy family. It’s just too much, she thinks she can’t have that life, that she’s too messed up to deserve it, and quickly leaves. That’s why Angie connects so well with her roommate, Jeanine (Francesca Eastwood), she appears to come from a nice, upper class family, but that hides her mom’s drinking and non-stop insults, causing her to escape via chemical means, as well as cutting and bulimia.
Cardinal X
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Posted by Tars Tarkas - March 11, 2017 at 6:59 pm

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Deadly Lessons teaches college fling terror on Lifetime!

Deadle Lessons Lifetime

Oh my God, can you believe Becky married her professor and didn’t get a deadly lesson? How shameful!


After you are done being all infidel, it’s time for Lifetime to get even more dangerous and more educational with Deadly Lessons! It’s so Lifetime it hurts, with an evil man being totally evil! Shockingly, a girl quitting school and marrying a shady older mystery professor turns out to be a bad idea when he goes all murder on her! Whoops! Hope she didn’t fail her self-defense class! If women didn’t marry creepy older guys with shady pasts, we wouldn’t have so many Lifetime movies!

Romanced by a charismatic professor, a college girl quits school to run away with and marry him. While her mother tries to convince her to come home, she slowly learns that he is a controlling husband with a shady past… and soon realizes that if she were to leave him he would kill her.

The important thing is Deadly Lessons is directed by David DeCoteau! Yes, A Talking Cat!?! David DeCoteau! Huzzah! It’s written by Eve Holdway and Taj Nagaoka, and is the only credit for either of them. Deadly Lessons stars Christie Burson (Dirty Little Trick), Sammi Barber (The Haunted House on Kirby Road), Ryan Scott Greene (Vendetta: No Conscience, No Mercy), James Dean (Witness Protection ), Cedric De Souza (Holiday in Handcuffs), and Katherine Slingsby (Bridal Wave)

Deadly Lessons premieres Saturday, February 25th on Lifetime!

via Lifetime

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Posted by Tars Tarkas - February 24, 2017 at 7:09 pm

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