The Great Bikini Bowling Bash (Review)

The Great Bikini Bowling Bash

The Great Bikini Bowling Bash
Written and directed by Dean McKendrick

The Great Bikini Bowling Bash

How to do a proper bowling stance

Bowling, bikinis, naked chicks, gutterballs, and strikes are brought to us via The Great Bikini Bowling Bash! It’s another softcore production from Synthetic Filmwerx, complete with many of the recurring cast members and much of the same charm. Dean McKendrick writes and directs, and The Great Bikini Bowling Bash shows off having location shooting at an actual bowling alley (!!) and some of the crew popping up as extras for a crowd scene(!!). A few of the crew can be seen in other Synthetic Filmwerx/Retromedia productions from years past.

The Great Bikini Bowling Bash builds off of the tradition of having bikini versions of businesses being created to save the business from nefarious actors, which became a softcore staple with The Bikini Car Wash Company (which gets acknowledged in the film) and has been expanded to include such random softcore titles like Bikini Traffic School, Bikini Model Academy, and Bikini Drive-In. This means we pretty much know the plot, right? Almost, because the titular bikini bowling bash results in only raising a pittance, the real salvation comes during a high-stakes bet that closes out the film. So it’s more like Caddyshack and nothing like The Great Lebowski or Kingpin. I would have liked at least some references to other bowling films, because I’m a guy who likes references to things.

The Great Bikini Bowling Bash

They based that bowling character who tries to seduce Marge Simpson on me, baby!

Candy (Sophia Bella) – Owns the bowling alley that her father started and ran, though somehow doesn’t own the land it’s on. That leads to trouble that only bowling and wearing a bikini can solve.
Lucy (Mary Carey) – Friend of Candy and Jenn who hangs out at the bowling alley all the time. Has trouble finding a man.
Jenn (Krissy Lynn) – Employee at the bowling alley who works the cafe, and is rather bad at bowling. She does excel at attempting to seduce rich guys. Jenn dreams of leaving town to go to the big city.
Matt (Eric Masterson) – Local bowler who is probably the second or third best bowler to come from the town. He hangs out all day at the bowling alley and longs for Lucy. Helps train the girls to bowl against Troy Smith.
Frank (Ryan Driller) – Candy’s boyfriend who is in law school. He’s there to assure us that the lease is air tight, so they have to do some crazy schemes to come up with the money to save the place.
Troy Smith (Frankie Dell) – The most famous bowler in the entire world, who learned to bowl in this very bowling alley. He’s also filthy rich and has his own tv talk show, so Jenn goes to try to “convince” him to help the alley, though his refusal leads to the climactic game.
Mr. Grabowski (Michael Gaglio) – Candy’s landlord, he’s rather goofy and gets sidetracked into talking about something else before he even finishes a sentence. Is selling out the land the bowling alley is on for a lot of money, with little notice. Which sort of sucks, but it’s just business, I guess.
Travis (Frankie Cullen) – Lucy’s date she met on the internet, who loses interest as soon as he’s done having sex with her.

The Great Bikini Bowling Bash

Bikinis, bowling, and a bash. The film delivers!

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Posted by Tars Tarkas - January 30, 2015 at 9:21 pm

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Wet your lips for Kiss of the Tarantula, the new RiffTrax VOD!

Like the rest of Planet Earth, I’m a big fan of 1970s movies about girls with supernatural powers that they use to slay their enemies. Thus, RiffTrax’s new VOD, Kiss of the Tarantula, is simply a must-get. Not only does the heroine get her revenge with an army of tarantulas that she controls, but there’s also a creepy uncle! Unfortunately, there isn’t a giant spider made out of an old VW Beetle, so this can’t be the best spider movie ever. But it’s the best spider movie where the spiders are controlled by a teenage girl ever!

Buy it now at!

Did you ever watch the movie Carrie and think, “hm, pretty good, but her creepy home life wasn’t nearly creepy enough”? Then boy, have we got something for you!

Meet Susan. She’s just like any other troubled teen, except her dad is an undertaker, their house is a mortuary full of corpses, she’s got a sleazy uncle who’s around a little too often, and a room full of pet tarantulas who do her bidding. And what’s her bidding, exactly? Revenge murder against those who’ve wronged her, of course! And how exactly do the tarantulas kill her enemies, given that tarantulas are really not that dangerous to humans? Well, they… um… you’ll just have to watch the movie and see if you can figure it out, because we really can’t.

Some of the slowest murders in film history, a final sequence so drawn out that the first time we screened it we were in tears (the laughing kind of tears, mostly), and middle-aged teenagers galore! Time to pucker up for your Kiss of the Tarantula!

Kiss of the Tarantula RiffTrax

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Posted by Tars Tarkas -  at 3:48 pm

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Cloudy with a Chance of Love makes me rain on this Hallmark Channel parade!

Cloudy with a Chance of Love Hallmark

How can she find love with glasses and a ponytail??? Impossible!!!

Before I talk about Cloudy with a Chance of Love, I must talk about Not Another Teen Movie, because there is something to discuss. One of the plot points of NATM was that the main character was unattractive because she had glasses and a ponytail, yet the second she removed those objects she became the hottest girl in school. This parodies She’s All That, in which we were to believe that the uber-hot Rachael Leigh Cook in the prime of her uber-hotness was somehow not attractive or popular, until she removed her glasses and ponytail. Why am I bringing this up? Because Cloudy with a Chance of Love features the main character, Deb, being described as “quirky”, who suddenly gets a makeover of removing her glasses and ponytail and becomes belle of the ball. The TV meteorologist ball. So, uh, I hope the film ends up being better than it looks based on my memories of films from years ago pointing out plot absurdities. The fact that Stacey Dash also pops up is another negative in my book, as she’s sort of gone right wing crazy the past few years. But, hey, who knows? Maybe it will be good. We won’t know until the movie actually premieres!

Quirky meteorologist Deb spends most of her time finishing the passionate pursuit of her Ph.D. in meteorology. The wind of change starts blowing, however, when a handsome news director recruits her to fill in as an on-air weather personality. While the new job comes with a glamorous makeover that catches the eyes of both viewers and her handsome colleague, it also takes her away from her studies at a critical time. When her TV job, academic commitments and new romance swell into a perfect storm, Deb must decide if her future will be spent studying the sky, or broadcasting over the air.

At the very least, I would enjoy more terrible weather-related movie titles.

Cloudy with a Chance of Love stars Katie LeClerc (Switched at Birth) as Deb, Michael Rady (The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants) as Quentin, Stacey Dash (Clueless) as Grace, Meredith Giangrande (Bucky Larson: Born to Be a Star) as Vera, and Floriana Lima (The Mob Doctor) as Fran. Cloudy with a Chance of Love is directed by Bradford May (Madonna: Innocence Lost). The story is by Margot Leitman and Daniel Curry (Sweet Surrender), with the teleplay done by Todd Mattox

Cloudy with a Chance of Love premieres Sunday, February 8th, on Hallmark Channel

via Hallmark/Carin Baer

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Posted by Tars Tarkas - January 27, 2015 at 1:11 pm

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Sleepy Hollow S02E10 – “Magnum Opus”

Magnum Opus Sleepy Hollow

Time for some new slash fanfic!

Sleepy Hollow “Magnum Opus”
Written by Donald Todd
Directed by Doug Aarniokoski
Magnum Opus Sleepy Hollow

Hey, it’s glowing, that means orcs are nearby!

Abbie and Ichabod are playing an iPhone party game of Who Am I? because FBI profilers do it when stuck on cases. They’ve been relentlessly going over her ancestor’s journal for clues about what will kill Molloch, but are still stuck.

“George Washington? He was our liar in chief!” – Ichabod rants when he finds out the Washington tale of never telling a lie.

Katrina calls the pair by mirror to say she didn’t kill Molloch and he’ll be big enough to take over the planet in like two days, so they need to hurry. Then she has to go. She provides enough of a distraction to Ichabod he can now figure out the obscure clues to determine the goal is Enoch’s Sword, which Henry overhears as he’s spying via the same mirror Katrina used. Sleepy Hollow not only is a nexus for every Revolutionary War and Apocalyptic artifact, but it also has a river that is the exact same shape as the “Join or Die” snake from Franklin’s famous cartoon, a river that hasn’t changed shape in 250 years, and reveals the cartoon is a treasure map to the sword, with the sword being located at the mouth.

Yes, things have gotten that convoluted and wacky, which is why Sleepy Hollow packs in the fun. This episode packs in two extra things that help out a lot: A crazy monster, and the Headless Horseman becoming threatening once again.

Magnum Opus Sleepy Hollow

Oh, it all makes perfect sense….HUH??????

It’s true this season the Headless Horseman has become the Chump Horseman, spending half his time being tossed around and dismissed by Henry, the rest being played by Katrina. Giving him a head outside of special events was a disappointment, Abraham Van Brunt is too whiny outside of action scenes compared to his Headless Horseman alter ego. When the Headless Horseman was the Headless Horseman, he was a silent threatening figure that you know wanted to kill you. Abraham’s head appearing should only be happening in episodes like this one, where he gets a head due to magic in a cave, allowing him and Ichabod to spar with words as well as sword/axes.
Magnum Opus Sleepy Hollow

He shouldn’t have worn his smoking jacket! Ha! I kill me! **Special guest caption by ALF**

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Posted by Tars Tarkas -  at 8:03 am

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So You Said Yes gets passive aggressive on Hallmark Channel!

It's true, she said "Yes" to a bowl of Cinnamon Toast Crunch!

It’s true, she said “Yes” to a bowl of Cinnamon Toast Crunch!

I can imagine the title So You Said Yes being said like 30 different ways. Shocked, disappointed, angry, sad, surprised, bored. It could go in any direction. But as the plot involves someone defending her relationship against a future mother-in-law who is a bit nutty, it’s probably said in disappointment with an undercurrent of revenge. Revenge is a dish best served cold, and it is very cold in a bridal shop. Wait, is it cold in a bridal shop? I’ve never been in one. Pretend it is, so the metaphor fits, I’m not going to back to edit this paragraph. We’ve come to far to stop, full steam ahead!

So You Said Yes is part of Hallmark Channel going romance crazy for Valentine’s Day and pumping out a ton of original movies, so enjoy all these romance flicks!

When Annabelle, the owner of a specialty bridal shop, falls for Sam, the son of her fierce bridal shop competition, she must fend off Sam’s mother’s attempts at sabotage to be with the man she loves.

So You Said Yes stars Kellie Martin (ER) as Annabelle Blanche, Chad Willett (Category 6: Day of Destruction) as Sam Taylor, Jennifer Dale (Aladdin: The Magical Family Musical) as Claire Taylor, Rhonda Dent (Insecticidal) as Hilary, Danyella Angel (The Interview) as Rachel, Patricia Isaac (Baby Sellers) as Maya, and Bruce Boxleitner (Snakehead Terror) as Nick Blanche.

Directed by Christie Will (A Cookie Cutter Christmas) and written by Robin Palmer (Geek Charming is her only other credited film). As I liked A Cookie Cutter Christmas despite its flaws, I’m a bit more interested in So You Said Yes than I would be otherwise. At the very least, Christie Will knows how to portray women feuding. Hmmmm, maybe there’s something there!

So You Said Yes premieres Saturday, February 7th, on Hallmark Channel! Now if you excuse me, I’m off to get some Cinnamon Toast Crunch!

via Hallmark/Bettina Strauss

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Posted by Tars Tarkas - January 26, 2015 at 4:09 pm

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I (Review)


I Shankar Tamil
Written by Shankar and Subha
Directed by Shankar

I Shankar Tamil

Bring it on, Gaston!

After the trailer for Shankar’s I burst on the scene, it became a must-see event. Because the trailer was bonkers! I has hit theaters (including a nice limited release in the US, thus allowing me to go see it on the big screen!), and it delivers with lots of insane story, amazing visuals, rocking songs, and a sense of excitement for what it is. I packs in everything it can, trying to deliver entertainment on all levels to a maximum amount of audience.

I is a revenge movie, that differs than the usual revenge feature in that Lingesan isn’t killing those that wronged him, his hideously deforming them as revenge for hideously deforming him. As repeatedly pointed out in the film, this is a fate that’s considered more worse than death. And some of the things that happen to the villains are awful, but they do awful things to Lingesan first.

I Shankar Tamil

Laws of physics can suck it!

The tale is told in a mixed format, opening with the hunchback and mutated faced Lingesan kidnapping Diya away from her wedding and chaining her up. She screams demanding to know who he is, and we jump to the long flashbacks of the young and buff Lingesan and his story of how he made enemies because they were mad at how awesome he was. As the stories converse, we see Lingesan take revenge one by one on the various villains who destroyed his life.

Lingesan (Vikram) is a bodybuilder training hard to compete in the upcoming Mr. India regional event. He’s also obsessed with a commercial model named Diya (Amy Jackson), collecting her advertising images and buying products she endorses, even things like feminine hygiene products. Lingesan is well liked and appears to be a shoo-in to win, which angers fellow contestant Ravi (M. Kamaraj). This is Ravi’s last year he can enter, and he wants to win so he can qualify for a high-ranking job. His threats to Lingesan are ignored, resulting in a huge sprawling brawl that happens between rounds of the competition.

I Shankar Tamil

What do you mean you didn’t go see this when you had a chance???

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Posted by Tars Tarkas -  at 7:31 am

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