Sleepy Hollow S02E04 – “Go Where I Send Thee…”

Go Where I Send Thee Sleepy Hollow

Yes, Ichabod, contaminate the bone evidence of murder with your DNA!


Sleepy HollowGo Where I Send Thee…
Written by Damian Kindler
Directed by Doug Aarniokoski
Go Where I Send Thee Sleepy Hollow

Frank Irving is trapped in a generic movie poster!


If there is one thing Sleepy Hollow is good for, it’s providing completely crazy monster scenarios. This weeks episode, “Go Where I Send Thee…”, is a prime example, thanks to a demonic Pied Piper who dates back to the Revolutionary War. How often do you see demonic Pied Pipers on your television screen? And yet, Sleepy Hollow does so brazenly, and it fits right in with their on-going mythos, to the point where no one is batting an eye!

The Pied Piper is the monster of the week, and he’s kidnapping a young girl as part of a family curse that has been happening for generations. Like all the prior family curses on Sleepy Hollow, it all dates back to the Revolutionary War period. Fake Revolutionary Daniel Forbes Lancaster (who Ichabod explains joined the rebellion only after it was apparent the Colonials would win) had a British detachment of troops staying in his house, which got a little too grabby with his daughters. So he hired a local demonic Pied Piper assassin to kill them. I guess back in the 1700s, you could just hire demonic fairy tale assassins with relative ease. In any event, after the Pied Piper slayed all the troops (in super fast cool knife fighting moves!), Daniel Lancaster has the demonic Pied Piper shot with arrows and dumped in a lake. This betrayal doesn’t end well, because demonic powered assassins tend to not stay dead, and he returns every generation to abduct a female member of the Lancaster family on her 10th birthday.

First of all, why would you betray a demon-powered assassin? That’s just looking for trouble. Secondly, why would you betray one with a Pied Piper theme, since the town’s betrayal of the Pied Piper in the original tale ended badly? It’s like he’s too stupid and arrogant to learn the morals of these fairy tales. And the Lancaster family now has trouble for generations. Good going, moron!

Go Where I Send Thee Sleepy Hollow

Look, there are a thousand variations of “Abbie gives Ichabod a bone” jokes I could make, or I could go so meta I’m beyond the joke while still making it. I choose the latter!


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Posted by Tars Tarkas - October 18, 2014 at 9:57 am

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Hawk the Slayer – New RiffTrax VOD!


RiffTrax is back with more wacky fantasy fluff, the new VOD Hawk the Slayer! Another fine film I saw oh so long ago, and I can attest that it is bonkers and awful and bonkful and all those other made up combined words. Featuring Jack Palance pre-City Slickers 2: The Legend of Curly’s Gold, and with only half a face! There are characters named Gort, Voltan, Hawk, Crow, Baldin, Ranulf, and Drogo! A bunch of fantasy stuff collides in a monument of “Huh?” as Hawk the Slayer slays it’s way to being a movie you will compare to Deathstalker IV: Match of Titans. Maybe.

Buy it today at RiffTrax.com!

If you took a Dungeons & Dragons adventure written hastily by an 8th grader during study hall and turned it into a movie, you’d wind up with something a lot like Hawk the Slayer. In fact, we wouldn’t be surprised if that’s how they actually got the script. But this movie has something that no D&D adventure can claim: Jack Palance. A whole lot of Jack Palance. Specifically MEGA-EVIL Jack Palance, playing a character named Voltan. He yells, kills, yells, whisper-threatens, whisper-yells, kills, and mostly just yells his way across the countryside. Seems no one can stop him until his brother Hawk – yes, his brother, despite being about 40 years younger – gathers an elf, a dwarf, and a giant to take him down. Not as much dignity as a Fellowship of the Ring, more of a… Crew of the Stuff.

Keen-eyed fans may recognize the dwarf from our release Prisoners of the Lost Universe. Also, the actor playing Hawk went on to portray Jack’s dad in Lost — hmmm, Prisoners of the LOST Universe, LOST, time to dig up your old Lost conspiracy theories because there’s something happening here, IT’S ALL CONNECTED.

Join Mike, Kevin and Bill for a heaping helping of Jack the Palance and Hawk the Slayer!

Hawk the Slayer RiffTrax

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Posted by Tars Tarkas - October 17, 2014 at 3:01 pm

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Iron Swallow (Review)


Iron Swallow

aka 鐵燕 aka Tie Yan aka Shaolin Iron Eagle
Iron Swallow
1978
Story by Chu Yu
Directed by Cheung Pooi-Shing (as Chang Pay-Cherng)

Iron Swallow
Revenge is a dish best served cold. That’s what some Klingon guy told me, anyway. Iron Swallow is basically a kung fu version of I Know What You Did Last Summer, except it’s a decade later and the children of the slain are the ones having revenge. Revenge is the topic of discussion, because it’s the topic everyone is talking about.

The elders did a horrible crime they refuse to talk about to anyone or even each other. It quickly becomes obvious that it involves rape, murder, and bribes to cover up their deeds. Many of them spent years worrying about the crimes, some throwing themselves into philanthropy out of guilt. None of the characters will call the authorities when attacked, because they don’t want to drag up their sordid histories. This leaves their younger relatives confused and frustrated, knowing something bad is happening and seeing their parents unwilling to do anything about it.

The revenge plot is so much the sole focus that there isn’t some of the usual kung fu tropes. No one seeks out a great master, there is no training montage. There isn’t a gallant knight hanging out in disguise to set things right. It is just pure revenge. The purity of the focus of Iron Swallow is welcome, sometimes films try to do too much and end up accomplishing nothing, while Iron Swallow does what it is supposed to do and does it well.

The problem with all these lovely dubbed kung fu features is it is impossible to get anyone’s name correct, so please excuse me if the character names I use don’t sound exactly like the ones you hear when you watch the film. There is rarely consensus on just how the characters’ names are said by the dubbers, changing depending on who is speaking or what accent the ex-pat in Hong Kong/Taiwan who is doing the part has. Occasionally, the dubbers pronounce the same name differently in two concurrent sentences. Thus, all references to Chia Ling’s character will just be Iron Swallow.
Iron Swallow

Iron Swallow (Chia Ling) – Iron Swallow is the daughter of a murdered man, out to avenge his death by maiming those responsible for his death and the subsequent coverup. She arrives in town with her Aunt, who is also a victim of the incident that started everything. Iron Swallow has focused her entire life on getting revenge. She leaves trademark iron swallow darts with red tassels, which the enemy later uses to frame her. Iron Swallow’s actual name might be Chin Yeh.
Ko Fang (Ting Wa-Chung) – A kung fu student being raised by his single father, who is marked as a target by Iron Swallow. Ko Fang soon learns that all he thought was true was a lie, and that he’s more involved in the revenge drama than he knows. He is best friends with Tu Lung, who is like a brother to him.
Tu Lung (Don Wong Tao) – Son of Chu Hsaio Tien and best friend of Ko Fang. Tu Lung is the idyllic youth who soon learns that things weren’t as clear cut as he thought they would be when he was learning about the world. He’s soon dragged into the confrontations due to familiar and friendly connections, torn between the two sides and his reluctance to join in the violence.
Wu (Wong Wing-Sang) – A Fortune Teller who is really a skilled kung fu assassin hired by Mr. Chu to kill everyone connected to the case before it comes back on him.
Chu Hsiao Tien (Yee Yuen) – Kung Fu Master and local bigwig responsible for a horrible crime and the resulting cover up, which dooms everyone a decade later when it comes time for revenge. Even then, he refuses to take responsibility and tries to kill his way out of it.
Mo Tu Ping (Hung Kin-Wing) – A Mystery Man who keeps popping up to aid Iron Swallow for reasons unknown. It is eventually revealed his father was Mo Shing Yee, Iron Swallow’s father’s best friend, and died alongside him in the original incident. Now the son continues his family’s legacy.

Iron Swallow
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Posted by Tars Tarkas -  at 12:36 pm

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Garage Sale Mystery: All That Glitters uncovers treasure on Hallmark Movies & Mysteries!

Garage Sale Mystery Lori Loughlin Hallmark movies and mysteries

Everything in this photo? Bought at a garage sale. Even her arm!


Hallmark Movies & Mysteries breaks out its first franchise with Garage Sale Mystery: All That Glitters, the follow-up to 2013′s first Garage Sale Mystery film. The features follow Jennifer Shannon (Lori Loughlin), who both is an expert garage saler and an expert mystery solver, based on the book series by Suzi Weinert. As all mystery fans know, many of them feature gimmicks and quirks, because that helps them stand out and means that there is so much variation that there will be tales that are bound to appeal to someone! Hallmark Movies & Mysteries is bringing a bunch of these to life, and the Garage Sale Mystery is the first of many many mystery series.

Jennifer Shannon (Lori Loughlin) has a gift for finding rare treasures hidden in garage sales that she can resell at her consignment store, Rags to Riches. But her keen eye for finding valuables also gets her involved in the criminal investigations that happen at the very second-hand sales she frequents. When Jennifer’s friend and self-storage facility owner Martin (Michael Kopsa) turns up murdered just hours after auctioning off an abandoned storage unit full of unique items to Jennifer, she is immediately pulled on the case as a key eyewitness. Working with Detective Lynwood (Kevin O’Grady), Jennifer helps single out a disgruntled customer as the prime suspect, while she and her business partner, Danielle (Sarah Strange), sift through boxes from the auction. As her husband Jason (Steve Bacic) worries about her safety, Jennifer starts to get over her head when there is a break-in at her store and a run-in with Martin’s angry wife. Then, Jennifer and Danielle discover their new merchandise contains the sparkly evidence they needed all along to nail the surprising real culprit. They must race to save a life and put their own on the line. Will they succeed before times runs out?

Garage Sale Mystery: All That Glitters stars Lori Loughlin, Michael Kopsa, Kevin O’Grady, Sarah Strange, and Steve Bacic. It’s directed by actor/director Peter DeLuise (Zapped) and written by Walter Klenhard (Garage Sale Mystery), based on the original novel by Suzi Weinert.

Who knew that garage sales and buying storage lockers was so deadly? No wonder everyone died in the Storage Wars, at least that is my understanding, having never watched the tv show. Nor shall I, with all these new mystery movies to watch!

Garage Sale Mystery: All That Glitters premieres Sunday, October 26, on Hallmark Movies & Mysteries.

via Hallmark Movies & Mysteries
photo via Hallmark

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Posted by Tars Tarkas - October 12, 2014 at 12:00 am

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One Starry Christmas shines bright on Hallmark!

One Starry Christmas Hallmark

If you wear a cowboy’s hat in Texas, it’s illegal not to dance with him.


One Starry Christmas is the first of Hallmark Channel’s Countdown to Christmas 12 movie marathon, which promises a double dose of original Christmas-themed movies each week as we work our way towards Christmas. One Starry Christmas premieres November 1st on Hallmark Channel, and sets the tone for the rest of the year’s celebrations in movie form. Hallmark is dedicated to being the channel that focuses the most resources on Christmas entertainment over the holiday season.

An aspiring astronomy professor finds unexpected Christmas romance when she meets a charming cowboy during her holiday travel. As she decides between this new cowboy and her practical boyfriend, she must decide whether it’s better to play it safe in love, or let an adventurous cowboy steal her heart.

There are cowboys, astronomers, boring guys, and Christmas cheer. As I don’t think there will be time travel, weather experiments, or colored logs thrown into a train, this will be a contemporary romance tale with Christmas dressing, sort of like Iron Man 3.

One Starry Christmas stars Sarah Carter as Holly, Damon Runyan as Luke, Paul Popowich as Adam, Kathleen Laskey (Betsy, Neil Crone as Ken, George Canyon as Bull, Daniel Karasik as Mark.

One Starry Christmas is directed by John Bradshaw (Pegasus vs. Chimera) and is written by Rickie Castaneda (Catch a Christmas Star). Catch it November 1st on Hallmark Channel, if you like Christmas cowboy romance films.

image via Hallmark

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Posted by Tars Tarkas - October 10, 2014 at 3:44 pm

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Lifetime’s Grumpy Cat’s Worst Christmas Ever has a soundtrack

Grumpy Cat Soundtrack
In famous exploited deformed internet cat news, Lifetime’s Grumpy Cat’s Worst Christmas Ever has a soundtrack, because Lifetime movies having official soundtracks is now a thing that happens.

Aubrey Plaza has been cast as the voice of Grumpy Cat, because easy paychecks are the best paychecks. After all, Bill Murray did it!

Grumpy Cat (voiced by Aubrey Plaza) is a lonely cat living in a mall pet shop. Because she never gets chosen by customers, she develops a sour outlook on life…until one day during the holidays, a very special 12-year-old girl named Chyrstal enters the pet store and falls in love with her after realizing she is the only person who can hear this unique cat talk. As the two develop a close friendship during the holiday rush, Grumpy reluctantly thwarts the kidnapping of an exotic dog she dislikes and, on Christmas Eve, rescues Chyrstal after the mall closes. Through her adventures, will Grumpy learn the true meaning of Christmas? Or will it be, in her words, the “Worst. Christmas. Ever?”

Wait, wait, wait. “CHYRSTAL”??? I hate this movie more than I thought I could.

Anyway, here are the track listings:

1. Its Hard To Be A Cat On Christmas
2. Sleigh Ride
3. Jingle Bells
4. Up On The Housetop
5. Deck The Halls
6. Worst Time Of Year
7. Christmastime Again
8. Carol Of The Bells
9. Holiday Bells
10. Christmas Honey
11. All I Want For Christmas (Is My Two Front Teeth)
12. White Christmas
13. Grumpcracker Medley
14. A Very Grumpy Christmas

Will there be a Grumpcracker scene? Or is it just a cute name? We will find out soon enough. Too soon, some may say.

Grumpy Cat’s Worst Christmas Ever airs Saturday, November 29, on Lifetime.

via Lifetime

Also here is Grumpy Cat driving a car in the movie for some reason:

Grumpy Cat Christmas Car

Grand Theft Auto: Cat Andreas

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Posted by Tars Tarkas - October 9, 2014 at 7:17 pm

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