Til Death Do Us Part is more marriage mayhem on Lifetime!

Til Death Do Us Part Lifetime

And he said I wasn’t “Duff enough for death”, whatever that means. Can you believe it?

Once again, a crazed man is on the loose and endangering a woman! It turns out the crazy guy is her husband, in a twist that’s the plot of the entire film. Til Death Do Us Part features Haylie Duff marrying the perfect guy she barely knows (because he’s a doctor with a generic name), and he goes bonkers and bodies start piling up and his sister renovates the house without being asked. Basically, this is why you don’t get married to someone after only six months. Wait seven months like a normal person! Otherwise, your deck’s just going to get randomly renovated!

Also you’ll die.

Sandra moves to a small town with her new husband Dr Kevin Richardson – a man she only met six months ago. Kevin is everything she’s ever dreamed of and from the outside they look like the perfect couple. However, Kevin begins to exert increasing control over Sandra while his sister Jolene starts renovating their back yard deck. Sandra’s concerns heighten when one of her co-workers dies of a brain hemorrhage at Kevin’s hospital. As Sandra begins to investigate her ideal husband’s past, the man she loves puts her life in danger.

Til Death Do Us Part stars Haylie Duff (Napoleon Dynamite), Magda Apanowicz (The 12 Disasters of Christmas), Ty Olsson (Godzilla), and Rekha Sharma (Battlestar Galactica). It’s directed by Farhad Mann (Lawnmower Man 2: Beyond Cyberspace) and written by Gayl Decoursey (Out of Reach)

Til Death Do Us Part premieres Saturday, April 25th on Lifetime!

via Lifetime

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Posted by Tars Tarkas - April 24, 2015 at 7:18 pm

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Lake Placid vs Anaconda – Franchises Battle For Your Love on SyFy!

Lake Placid vs Anaconda

Where are the buns? I was promised buns!!

SyFy is caught in a crossroads of trying to transform into a respectable source of original science fiction programming, while still having a backlog of creature feature films to unload. Even worse for them, many of these films are event films that normally would get a lot of fanfare. But true to form, SyFy isn’t promoting Lake Placid vs Anaconda much at all, and seems content for it to get swept under the rug.

The whole situation has been perplexing for the past two years. The monster movies still air a LOT on SyFy’s schedules, but they rarely add anything new. Lake Placid vs Anaconda is the first new film in months, and we won’t get more until July drops a whole week’s worth of new movies.

Lake Placid vs Anaconda is the fifth movie in both franchises, something that is surprising even as someone who follows SyFy flicks and knows about all the prior DTV sequels of both. It just seems so weird. And now they are fighting, which will hopefully make this the most awesome of all the non-J-Lo and non-Betty White entries of the franchises.

The co-CEO of a pharmaceutical company ruthless, Sarah Murdoch is determined to finish the work of her late father to find a serum capable of triggering cell regeneration; Unfortunately, in addition to an orchid, the other two elements necessary to perfect the serum is a particularly aggressive breed of giant crocodiles and anacondas, both of which Sarah is working hard to track down. However, its alteration with wildlife refuge releases both the crocodile’s and anaconda’s, that wind up threatening, among others, the daughters of a local college sorority, who went to the beach for a pledge event. With her twin brother and co-CEO Brian Murdoch actively trying to stop her, Sarah’s efforts lead to more horrible deaths, but several potential love between Brian and the new Sheriff, Reba, and many of sorority girls and their counterparts in the fraternity.

Hopefully the winner then takes on another random franchise. Or maybe we’ll get an Expendables-style team up of random franchises some day.

Lake Placid vs Anaconda is directed by A.B. Stone (his first feature) and written by Berkeley Anderson (Robocroc, Grendel, Dragon Dynasty). It stars Nigel Barber, Jeffrey Beach, Yancy Butler, Robert Englund, and most importantly —> Corin Nemec!!!!! I could watch Corin Nemec watch paint dry for two hours.

Lake Placid vs Anaconda airs Saturday, April 25th, on SyFy!

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Posted by Tars Tarkas -  at 5:21 pm

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Intimidation (Review)


aka ある脅迫 aka Aru Kyohaku
Story by Kyo Takigawa
Screenplay by Osamu Kawase
Directed by Koreyoshi Kurahara

Intimidation ある脅迫
An arrogant bank manager named Kyosuke Takita (Nobuo Kaneko – The Magic Serpent) is about to move on to the executive board, but gets enveloped in a blackmail scheme and must try to rob his own bank in a desperate attempt to come up with the funds. His sad sack childhood friend Matakichi Nakaike (Ko Nishimura), who Takita has used and degraded, becomes a scapegoat, and soon things devolve into a murderous mess. Intimidation serves up a slow-burning lesson of treating people well, but aside from the tense robbery sequence in the middle, there are few high points to recommend hunting Intimidation down immediately.

You can’t examine Intimidation without seeing the obvious class consciousness of the film. Takita is in the upper echelon of society, who married into money and is set for easy street. His friend Nakaike is stuck on the lower rung, his few opportunities were snatched away by Takita, or twisted around to make it seem Takita was solely responsible for them. Nakaike’s lack of confidence doesn’t help him, and much of his time is spent making excuses for his friend and doing things in the background like warming sake. The bank manager sees Nakaike as an unmotivated chump who they keep around only for Takita’s benefit, sort of ironic due to the manager’s later confession that he doesn’t understand all the loan paperwork that Takita has been handling for him.
Intimidation ある脅迫
Despite the class struggles, Takita’s downfall is he is an arrogant bastard. He’s so used to getting his way and shooting up the ladder of success that he doesn’t care at all whoever he steps on during his climb. Even people who are loyal friends that would have made great companions he treats with disdain, only using them for his own ends. His childhood friend Nakaike seems a complete tool, Takita talking down to him in front of the bank manager. Takita talks like Nakaike owes him everything, and he’s such a screw-up that he’d be on the streets if it wasn’t for Takita. Nakaike’s lack of confidence doomed him to forever be in Takita’s shadow. When Takita’s around, Nakaike fades away and Takita gets all the focus.
Intimidation ある脅迫
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Posted by Tars Tarkas - April 20, 2015 at 7:05 am

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Underworld Beauty (Review)

Underworld Beauty

aka 暗黒街の美女 aka Ankokugai no Bijo
Underwolrd Beauty 暗黒街の美女
Written by Susumu Saji
Directed by Seijun Suzuki

Underwolrd Beauty 暗黒街の美女
One of Seijun Suzuki’s first films (and the first credited as his pseudonym Seijun Suzuki!), Underworld Beauty shows hints of the creative sparks that would soon gain Suzuki a cult following in Japan and the ire of his studio bosses. But it’s mostly a straightforward and entertaining noir, elevated by the cast, so don’t be too disappointed when it goes by the numbers. It seems you can’t talk about Suzuki without using the term “fever dream”, so I’ll just use it in this sentence complaining about the term in this film that has among the lowest amounts of fever dreamness.

A noir flick that gets enhanced by the black and white photography, Underworld Beauty features a jewel thief gang member named Miyamoto (Michitaro Mizushima) who has just gotten out of the joint. He retrieves a gun and stolen diamonds from a hiding spot in the sewer, and sets out finish the job. But prison has given him a change of perspective, and he wants to give the diamonds to the member of the gang who was injured during the job (and saved Miyamoto in the process), Mihara (Toru Abe). The third gang member, who is now a powerful boss named Chairman Oyane (Shinsuke Ashida), is not too happy with this sudden display of honor, but is smart enough to hide his disapproval.
Underwolrd Beauty 暗黒街の美女
Mihara is now working in a noodle stall and ostensibly taking care of his younger sister Akiko (Mari Shiraki), who is on a wild streak down a dark path. She earns money posing nude for the mannequin sculptures (done by her quasi-boyfriend Arita (Hiroshi Kondo)), and going out drinking is her hobby. The attempt to sell the diamonds to a fence ends when armed masked men burst in on the proceedings, and Mihara swallows the diamonds and leaps off the roof of a building, attracting attention. He stays alive long enough to explain to the police that he slipped, but then passes on. The criminals are concerned the diamonds will burn when he is cremated, and soon the various factions go all The Treasure of the Sierra Madre with diamond fever.
Underwolrd Beauty 暗黒街の美女
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Posted by Tars Tarkas - April 13, 2015 at 7:02 am

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The Incredible 2-Headed Transplant – New RiffTrax VOD!

The Incredible 2-Headed Transplant is the newest RiffTrax VOD! It may be the most ridiculous of the two headed transplant movie genre, with fierce competition from The Thing with Two Heads, which not only includes a racial element, but has a rocking soundtrack. The Incredible 2-Headed Transplant tosses any social commentary out of the window in place of pure weirdness and bad movie ridiculousness. What I’ve always wondered is why there isn’t a 3-headed transplant genre? Low-budget filmmakers, get cracking! But until they get off their lazy butts and revitalize the multi-headed movie genre with 21st century technology, we’ll have to settle for The Incredible 2-Headed Transplant and the RiffTrax commentary.

Buy it today at RiffTrax.com!

Bruce Dern has it all: A beautiful wife. An expensive house with a pool. A two headed monkey. Casey Kasem for a neighbor. And yet, he’s feeling unfulfilled, perhaps because—

What’s that? Oh, you’re right, we did kind of just gloss right over the unusual part of that sentence. Yes, Top 40 DJ Casey Kasem is Bruce’s neighbor. He’s always stopping by to deliver a long distance dedication or prattle on about some dead dog while Bruce is trying to do important stuff, like attach heads to a monkey or an idiot manchild.

For you see, Bruce’s entirely normal pastime is figuring out how graft additional heads onto things. Why? Why did Michelangelo paint? Why did Mozart compose? Man is compelled to create, and sometimes what he creates is as stupid as a serial killer’s head sewn onto a local hillbilly’s shoulder.

Needless to say, this does not go well. (Both being neighbors with Casey Kasem and the whole ‘manufacturing godless abominations in the guest room you converted into a lab’ thing.) Come for the mutant in overalls, stay for the wife in a cage, it’s all here in The Incredible 2-Headed Transplant!

Incredible 2-headed Transplant Rifftrax

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Posted by Tars Tarkas - April 11, 2015 at 10:08 pm

Categories: RiffTrax   Tags:

Rokto Pipasha (Review)

Rokto Pipasha

aka রক্ত পিপাসা aka The Vampire
Rokto Pipasha Vampire Bangla Rubel
2009BMDB Link
Written and Directed by Rubel

These vampires know how to have fun!

Bangladesh does their own version of Blade, all Bangla-ed up with plenty of fighting, yelling, dr4ama, people with giant swords, singing, child endangerment, ridiculous vehicles, cheap effects, scratched film, excitement, and only lacking in the budget. Rokto Pipasha is amazing cinema, and deserved a larger audience, especially in the West. Since the current audience in the West seems to be just me (There is currently literally nothing about this film written in English!), it’s time for TarsTarkas.NET to do what it does best, exposing obscure foreign fun to the masses. And as Rokto Pipasha is all over YouTube in a format where it doesn’t look too bad, there is really no excuse not to track it down. Rokto Pipasha does not have subtitles, but at TarsTarkas.NET, we don’t need no stinking subtitles! You also don’t really need them to figure out what is going on. There are some vampires, some vampire hunters, and a lot of fighting. The villains are obvious, the heroes spend much of their time tracking them down or arguing amongst themselves, and the action sequences are rather well choreographed.

For those of you uninitiated with Bangla cinema, their action movies feature a lot of the things common in action cinema in India, Pakistan, and the Middle East. There is a lot of yelling and boasting by heroes and villains before they fight. There are dramatic zooms. A lot of dramatic zooms. In one sequence, vampire hunter Mr. T argues with four other vampire hunters, and we get a reaction zoom to Mr. T, then the first hunter, then Mr. T, then the second hunter, repeating for all. This happens multiple times throughout the film. The action is over the top, bringing in elements of martial arts and super heroes. The characters do punches and kicks that would kill normal people, but because they fight others who are super powered, they often do little damage, except for on whichever character is slated to die in that fight. All the main vampire hunters have a huge weapon, either a ridiculous sword or a scythe or something, and they walk around carrying the giant hand weapon in a world where guns exist. The soundtrack is packed full of stolen music. Rokto Pipasha came out in 2007, so there is no excuse. It’s yet another movie with the James Bond theme, as a weird remix pops up randomly during scenes where characters are looking cool. I also recognized tracks from Gladiator, Star Wars, Jaws, and various Westerns.
Rokto Pipasha Vampire Bangla Rubel
Most of the action either takes place in the middle of nowhere or in giant warehouse studios with large hand painted murals as set decoration. There are one or two actual sets that might be part of a hotel or something, unsurprisingly some of the musical numbers also take place here (as those parts will have higher budgets than the rest of the film). And even those locations have walls covered in huge paintings. I would also wager that if I watched more low budget Bangladeshi films, I would recognize some of the paintings.

One thing that isn’t common in Bangla cinema is the characters drive around in ridiculous custom monster vehicles. The cars would be 1000% not street legal in the US, and the vehicle choices make you obvious targets for whoever is hunting you. They also look ridiculous, even though they are awesome. Just check out the wealth of images I took of these monstrosities and try not to instantly want to watch Rokto Pipasha! Another thing that is rare is Western-style monsters like vampires, though films “borrowing” plots from American cinema isn’t that rare in Bangla film. Rokto Pipasha has concepts lifted directly from the Blade movies, but follows enough of its own path that it isn’t a straight ripoff, it just owes a heavy debt.
Rokto Pipasha Vampire Bangla Rubel
As Rokto Pipasha is obscure as heck, this will be another classic TarsTarkas.NET longread where I go over everything. Those of you who hate reading will enjoy the large amount of photos and gifs, and everyone will have a good time. Or else I’ll stab you with my vampire sword! The lack of subtitles means the character names are guesses, though I’m pretty sure I’m right about the main vampire hunter Blade ripoff played by Rubel being named Mr. T. The villain vampire in love is definitely named Romeo.

Rubel aka Masum Parvez Rubel stars and also directed and co-wrote the film, along with some writers that I couldn’t find names for. He also delivers the explaination in the beginning and seems to be a big fan of the Blade series. According to a text blurb he put in the film, he “committer himself to give you a good commercial film”, so few films declare their intentions nowadays. Besides Rubel, actor Shakil Khan has a featured role as a villainous vampire in love. Actor names I couldn’t connect with roles include: Bipasha (is this Bipasha Hayat?), Moumita, and Elys Kobra. There is also a cameo appearance from Bangla action star Sohel Rana. The lack of English information in general on Bangla film is a big problem that I hope gets solved someday, and it is made exponentially harder by the few cast members that are mentioned in talk about the film just having a single name. I am eagerly awaiting someone to chime in down in the comments for who is who.
Rokto Pipasha Vampire Bangla Rubel

Mr. T (Rubel) – Mr. T is a loner, a rebel, a guy on a motorcycle who kills vampires all night and broods all day. So of course he hangs out with a ten year old girl that he kills vampires with. That makes logical sense. Carries a gigantic sword and is master of kung fu, wearing sunglasses, and shooting guns.
Karmila (???) – Karmila hangs out with the vampire fighting brothers and slays as many of the bloodsuckers as she can out of revenge. She also goes wandering off by herself at night all the time, often running into Mr. T and having long conversations that turn into romantic interests, though the vampire slaying comes first. Karmila seems to have the power to sense vampires. Karmila carries a big sword. She’s often called Mila.
Romeo (Shakil Khan) – A vampire lord who has discovered love, and his love for his Girlfriend has tempered his vampiric bloodlust, though he occasionally flashes fangs. Is served by the Four Snake Villains, and drives around in a giant monster car.
Scythe Brother (???) – Member of the vampire killing brothers who carries a big honking scythe as he kills vampires. Lives the longest of the brothers.
Sword Brother (???) – Member of the vampire killing brothers who carries a big honking sword as he kills vampires. The least developed of the main three brothers.
Arrow Brother (???) – Member of the vampire killing brothers who carries a big honking bow and arrow as he kills vampires. Also occasionally uses other weapons. The most rash of the brothers.
Random other Brother (???) – Member of the vampire killing brothers who spends most of the movie in bed and off screen, only occasionally jumping into battle to tackle a big opponent. Injects himself with some sort of drug, it seems like he was turned into a vampire and represses it or something, but isn’t on screen enough for this to make a difference in anything.
Girlfriend (???) – Romeo’s Girlfriend, who is still a human but loves her vampire boyfriend. Possibly named Karina. Mr. T is hired by her father to retrieve her from Romeo.
Partner (???) – Mr. T battles vampires with the help of a tiny girl, because bringing a young child into constant danger and murder scenarios will always end well. She ends up some vampire dinner! Oh, Partner, you were destined to die from the moment you appeared!
Three Idiots (???) – It’s not a movie unless three unfunny guys randomly show up to annoy characters.
Random Ghost (???) – Thankfully the Three Idiots are later harassed by this Random Ghost. Anyone who harasses the Three Idiots is a winner in my book!
Four Snake Villains (???) – The Four Snake Villains serve Romeo and battle the Vampire Fighting Brothers. I don’t think they are vampires, they are just fighting masters who may serve Romeo because they are evil or because they will get vampire powers at some later date. Or would, if they weren’t killed one by one as the movie progresses.
Dancing Villainess (???) – She starts out as the item girl for tiny vampire guy Lukanda, but ends up ruling his empire and attempts to destroy Romeo and Mr. T, possibly because they won’t date her.
Lukanda (???) – A partying vampire lord who spends most of his time dancing to his girlfriend singing, hanging out with scrawny guys, and being carried around and having weapons put into his hands. Often found on top of pedestals. Wears skull shirts, because of course he does. Has magic pelvis thrusting power. Do not stare directly at the pelvis!

Rokto Pipasha Vampire Bangla Rubel
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Posted by Tars Tarkas - April 6, 2015 at 7:36 am

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