Fun in Balloonland – new RiffTrax VOD!

There is a whole world of crazy obscure wacky weird films out there, and Fun in Balloonland is one of the most of all those things, and so much more, and soooo much painfully scary! Basically, it is perfect for RiffTrax, and their new VOD of Fun in Balloonland is guaranteed to be one of their classics that will be mentioned for decades to come in hushed tones of awe. If you only get one RiffTrax VOD in your life, I can recommend this entirely just upon being familiar with the original version and not having seen the RiffTrax version, because it’s just that crazy that it is magically perfect. Like the producers knew long ago that in the future people would record goofy commentaries about it on the internet. There can be no other explanation, because it’s just that screwed up! But don’t take my word for it, throw your money at right now!

We would say that Fun In Balloonland is our favorite RiffTrax movie that we’ve ever done, but there’s just one problem: it’s hard to really describe it as a movie. It is an event. To attempt to describe its plot to you would be like attempting to divide by zero. There are balloons, there are kids, there is a parade, and there were mercifully cameras rolling to capture the madness. It’s a spectacle so cracked and baffling that you’ll have to double check to make sure it wasn’t recorded at Pirates World, home of Santa and the Ice Cream Bunny.

In fact, the Ice Cream Bunny would have taken one look at this flick and begged off saying “Too weird for me man! Even I have my limits! Oh whoops, lost another kid off the back of the fire engine. Well, you’re gonna get that.” Fun In Balloon Land throws a whole casserole of crazy at the screen: kindergartners in gold lamé diapers, giant Indian stereotypes, a maniac of a parade host, blow fish who halfheartedly tell jokes, a lengthy guessing game, The Farmer In The Dell, two headed cats, and something called The Marrying Turkey. Then Santa shows up. Trust us, it will all make sense when you sit down and watch it.*

We’ve been holding this one back for the holiday season ever since we discovered it at the beginning of the year and we’re delighted to finally present—no, unleash would be the better word—we’re delighted to unleash it to all of you. Please join Mike, Kevin, Bill, and the Marrying Turkey for: Fun In Balloonland.

*100% untrue.

Fun in Balloonland RiffTrax

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Posted by Tars Tarkas - November 27, 2014 at 12:18 am

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Sleepy Hollow S02E06 – “And the Abyss Gazes Back”

and the abyss gazes back sleepy hollow

Best screenshot of the season!

Sleepy HollowAnd the Abyss Gazes Back
Written by Heather V. Regnier
Directed by Doug Aarniokoski
and the abyss gazes back sleepy hollow

Help the deer are fighting back!

With the sixth episode of the season, Sleepy Hollow manages to give us some good crazy as well as character development and even ensures the yet another additional character they introduced won’t be in every episode to take time away from the actual stars. Plus, it brought back the phrase “double jugs”, and if Sleepy Hollow is cancelled tomorrow, it can reflect on a job well done based on that alone! As a bonus, we get Ichabod not only doing yoga, but also playing video games!

And the Abyss Gazes Back brings some focus on a character who is often mentioned but never seen on Sleepy Hollow, Sheriff Corbin. Partially because he was killed in the pilot. But Corbin has remained a presence on the show regardless, as his hobby of collecting weird stories and artifacts has given the heroes a treasure trove of information that has aided their fight. He also mentored a young Abbie Mills, putting her on the straight and narrow path that led to her becoming a police officer. And he used Jenny Mills to acquire artifacts by more black book dirty methods, which is part of the reason she’s a badass. Despite that Corbin himself has barely appeared on the show, and we really know nothing about the man. Now we learn that he has a son named Joe Corbin. A son old enough to have signed up for the marines and gotten stationed in Afghanistan. A son that doesn’t particularly care for his father, feeling he spent too little attention on him and too much attention on Abbie Mills. As Abbie used to babysit for Joe, his resentment against her is a new development she has to now deal with.

and the abyss gazes back sleepy hollow

Once again important monster information is conveyed in hand drawn form…

The monster of the week is everyone’s favorite American Indian skinwalker legend, the Wendigo! Which if you haven’t figured out by now will be Joe Corbin, then you haven’t been paying attention that much. It becomes very clear very fast after the first attack that he’s the monster, as he’s the only survivor and is ranting catatonically. The Wendigo is depicted as a monstrous man beast with big antlers, making it look like this week’s Sleepy Hollow would be right at home as an episode of Hannibal!
and the abyss gazes back sleepy hollow

Wait, this isn’t an incantation, some high school student is calling his teacher a perv!

Read more…

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Posted by Tars Tarkas - November 24, 2014 at 11:38 am

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The Christmas Parade marches forward on Hallmark Channel!

Christmas Parade Hallmark Channel

Santa and Upgrade Mrs. Claus prepare the dazzle this town with the Christmas lightiest float ever!

Just when the world has got you down, suddenly a parade happens and makes everything all better. That’s the premise of The Christmas Parade, as a hotshot reporter takes off from her troubled personal life and ends up embroiled in the affairs of a small town thanks to the magic of community service. Luckily, the local Christmas parade will solve everything, and she’ll learn life lessons and stuff, all without the help of magical angels or magical dogs! Shocking, but a parade is just as good as an angel, according to this statistic I just made up based on this movie!

Hailee Anderson (McCord), a well-known entertainment reporter for a network morning show, is humiliated when her oft-absent investment banker fiancé, Jason (Scott) is revealed to be linked to a Beverly Hills socialite coming her way to the Big Apple. Hailee takes off in her car to find peace, abandoning a Christmas special she is due to host for her producer, Monica (Gibson). After running over a small town judge’s Christmas display, she instead finds herself stuck in the town of Carver Bend with a $100 fine and sentenced to 25 hours of community service. While there, she’s befriended by Beck Thomas (Brown), a budding artist. He asks for her help to save the local community art center he runs for the town’s kids, by helping them build their float for the annual Christmas Parade – the winner will receive enough money to save the center from a pending sale. Short on Christmas spirit, due to an experience in her past, Hailee has to find a way to inspire both the kids and Beck – as well as herself – to bring back the spirit of what Christmas is all about, love.

The Christmas Parade is directed by Jonathan Wright (Baby’s First Christmas) and is written by Robert Vaughn (not that Robert Vaughn) and Carley Smale. The Christmas Parade stars AnnaLynne McCord as Hailee Anderson, Jefferson Brown as Beck Thomas, Jennifer Gibson as Monica Wilson, Drew Scott as Jason Keppler, Frank Moore as Judge Joe Morris, Brian Mifsud as Roy, and Michael Hanrahan as Mayor Richard Braverman.

The Christmas Parade premieres December 14th on Hallmark Channel! It’s one of the 12 New Movies of Christmas as part of their Countdown to Christmas celebration.

Photo via Hallmark Channel Press/Peter H. Stranks

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Posted by Tars Tarkas -  at 7:03 am

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The Best Christmas Party Ever rages away on Hallmark Channel!

Best Christmas Party Ever

You know this Christmas party is about to get turnt up because of all the very young children in attendance!

It’s no secret I don’t go to Christmas parties, because I’m a natural recluse and only venture out of my caves in the deep woods to forage on berries during the spring thaw. But for those of you with active social lives, you probably know about Christmas parties and what makes a good Christmas party. Did you know what makes a good Christmas party involves Hallmark Channel? It must be true, because they’re airing a movie called Best Christmas Party Ever, and you aren’t going to call Hallmark Channel a liar, are you? They make movies and cards, and corporations would never lie to us!

But let’s learn about this supposed Best Christmas Party Ever….

With the holiday season at hand, young party planner Jennie Stanton (DeVitto) learns that her boss, Petra (Thorson), will be retiring after Christmas and hopes she will be left in charge of Petra’s Parties, New York’s premiere event planning service. Jennie’s hopes fade when Petra’s charming and handsome nephew, Nick (Lund), arrives on the scene and Petra announces that he will take over the business. To make matters worse, Jennie and Nick do not get along. When an opportunity to plan a toy store’s Christmas Eve party arises, Jennie runs
with it, arranging a warm and traditional affair in the same vein as the Christmas parties that inspired her as a child. Soon, Todd Perry (Walsh), an executive for a powerful corporation that acquired the toy store, rejects Jennie’s traditional party plans, demanding an exclusive, high-end, corporate event and threatening legal action if she doesn’t comply. Nick rallies to Jennie’s support, encouraging her to continue planning the party in the true spirit of Christmas. Before long, feelings begin to develop between Jennie and Nick. As Christmas Eve approaches, Jennie chooses to follow her heart, moving forward with her party plans and finding true love in time for Christmas.

Wait, where are the jello shots off of hot nude college students of whatever gender you are attracted to? Because I thought that’s what made a good party! Never fear, the true meaning of Christmas will solve all party problems you’ve ever had, because if someone is a party pooper, you can just beat them with a candy cane. Okay, maybe that’s why I’m not invited to Christmas parties anymore…

Best Christmas Party Ever is directed by John Bradshaw (Pegasus vs. Chimera , One Starry Christmas), with a story by Lewis Chesler, Fariba Chesler, and Kevin Commins, and was written by Robert Vaughn. Best Christmas Party Ever stars Torrey DeVitto as Jennie, Steve Lund as Nick, Linda Thorson as Petra, Kalinka Petrie as Kim, Harmon Walsh as Todd, Emily Coutts as Natalie, Sean McCann as Arthur Tyrell, and Michael Gordin Shore as John Mitchell.

Best Christmas Party Ever premieres December 13th on Hallmark Channel! It’s one of The 12 New Movies of Christmas as part of their Countdown to Christmas celebration.

Photo via Hallmark Channel Press/Elly Dassas

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Posted by Tars Tarkas - November 23, 2014 at 7:37 am

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One Christmas Eve shows the good in a bad day on Hallmark Channel!

One Christmas Eve Hallmark

The kid got monstrous mind powers for Christmas!

Besides the massive amount of Christmas movies in their Countdown to Christmas celebration, Hallmark Channel has found a way to squeeze in some extra Christmas movies! One Christmas Eve caught my eye not because it is a Christmas-themed Alexander and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day with a dog thrown in, but because the love interest is an Asian guy! I can count the amount of films with an Asian guy and white lady without having to take off my socks, so kudos to Hallmark Channel for this unexpected surprise!

In fact, the film features a very multi-ethnic cast, as newly divorced mom Nell has a series of adventures that nets her a bunch of extra people as a surrogate family just in time for the holidays. And also a Beagle dog, because we can’t have a Christmas movie on Hallmark without either an angel or a dog.

Nell’s a newly‐single mom who wants this Christmas to be extra‐special for her two kids (played by Once Upon a Time’s Ali Skovbye and Contagion’s Griffin Kane). It turns out to be special – but not the way Nell had in mind! This Christmas Eve, everything that can go wrong does go wrong. The mayhem starts when Cesar (The Glade’s Carlos Gomez) attempts to leave an abandoned beagle on Nell’s front porch. Cesar trips and falls. Nell has to take him to the hospital, where Kevin Daniels (Sirens) is a security guard and Brian Tee (The Fast and the Furious: Tokyo Drift) a dreamy doc.

In no particular order, their car is towed, Nell’s son and the beagle disappear down a hole in a construction zone, a nasty nurse harasses them all. Later – to add insult to injury – they’re car‐jacked. And they’re all in a police station when it goes up in flames.

“Everything goes wrong, really wrong,” says Anne Heche, interviewed on the set of One Christmas Eve. “[But] Nell discovers a great deal of strength within herself, strength she didn’t know she possessed. And the family bond is cemented, and the family itself really grows, thanks in a funny way to all the mayhem.”

As there are so many divorces in this country, there is a ready-made audience, and this looks like it could be a fun time.

One Christmas Eve is directed by Jay Russell (My Dog Skip) and written by Holly Goldberg Sloan (Heidi 4 Paws and The Crocodile Hunter: Collision Course!) It stars Anne Heche as Nell, Kevin Daniels as Reggie, Carlos Gomez as Cesar, Brian Tee as Dr. Chen, Ali Skovbye as Emma, and Griffin Kane as Alden.

One Christmas Eve premieres Sunday, November 30th on Hallmark Channel!

Photo via Hallmark Channel Press/Erik Heinila

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Posted by Tars Tarkas - November 22, 2014 at 7:25 am

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The Santa Con is Lifetime’s latest conviction!

Santa Con Lifetime Melissa Joan hart Jaleel White

Everything has been explained. EVERYTHING!

Christmas is that time of year when one turns to thoughts of Jaleel White and John Ratzenberger, because hearing Jingle Bells for the ten thousandth time is enough to drive you criminally insane. Well, Lifetime has come to the rescue of the Christmas Crazies with their latest Christmas flick, The Santa Con! Not only do you have those two former tv superstars, but Melissa Joan Hart is along for the ride! And by that, I mean she also directed the film in addition to appearing in it! It’s about a mall Santa promising a kid that he’ll get his parents back together, and then the mall Santa guy goes out to do that, except maybe it doesn’t work out or he’s in love with the mom or something. The plot description sort of gets confusing. But just think, what if Bad Santa….found Jesus? Lifetime and Melissa Joan Hart have the answers!

Small-time con man Nick DeMarcco (Barry Watson, Hart of Dixie) is ordered by his parole officer to take a minimum-wage job as a department store Santa during the holidays…and he hates it. Near the end of his first shift, he hastily promises a young boy, Billy (Tucker Meeks), that Santa will bring his estranged parents back together by Christmas. When his sister Rosemary (Melissa Joan Hart, Melissa and Joey) hears this, she is livid and can’t believe he would break a little boy’s heart with an empty promise. After a long night of soul searching – and with the help of an insightful female pastor (Wendy Williams) – Nick decides to make good on his promise to the child, somehow. But after meeting the boy’s mother Carol (Melissa Sagemiller, Law & Order: Special Victims Unit), will Nick ultimately choose to put the happiness of others ahead of his own? Jaleel White (Family Matters), Scott Grimes (Party of Five) and John Ratzenberger (Cheers) also star. Hart also directs this film.

In addition to the above cast, the film is written by David Breckman, who wrote some episodes of SNL and Monk.

The Santa Con premieres Saturday, December 13, on Lifetime!

via A&E, photo via Lifetime/A&E Press

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Posted by Tars Tarkas - November 21, 2014 at 7:24 am

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