River Raft Nightmare cascades down Lifetime!

River Raft Nightmare Lifetime

River Raft Tip #1: Leap out of the boat randomly in shallow, rocky water!


River Raft Nightmare (aka Eyewitness) brings the excitement of being chased by killer convicts while river rafting to your living room! This is why you should never go river rafting, and instead stay inside and watch tv movies on Lifetime all day. Has anyone on Lifetime ever been attacked while watching a Lifetime movie? Of course not, I rest my case. Anyway, a mom and daughter get attacked by evil evil men, can this mother and daughter team defeat these evil evil men before their do more evil evil things? I sure hope so, otherwise this will be very depressing!

A mother and daughter’s white-water rafting trip becomes a nightmare when they encounter three escaped convicts searching for a hidden satchel of stolen cash. Separated from their rafting party, alone on an isolated river, they must struggle to survive against overwhelming odds.

Maybe Meryl Streep with show up with some advice about dealing with crazy killers while river rafting!

River Raft Nightmare is written and directed by Fred Olen Ray, which shows he’s still out there making movies like a champ, and gives me hope that RRN (that’s what us cool people call the film) is something great and fun.

RRN stars Bridgit Brannaugh, Ivan Sergei, Tim Abell, Leah Bateman, Daniel Booko, Perry King, Stephanie C. Allen, and Ted Monte. It premieres Saturday, September 5th on Lifetime!

Here is a trailer that for some reason has several seconds of black screen before the trailer actually starts!

via Lifetime!

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Posted by Tars Tarkas - September 4, 2015 at 10:09 pm

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Cookie Monster goes Greek in Nosh of the Titans!

Furius and his pal Pegafish (the flying fish) are on his way to meet his dad at the top of Mount Olympus Diner, when he’s stopped by that cow with snakes for hair, Moo-dusa! Not only does looking at Moo-dusa turn you into stone for 2 whole seconds, but she’s also gone all Riddle of the Sphinx and has a test that Furius must pass. He needs to pick out which of various covered dishes contains the snake cakes to feed her hair. Can Furius learn to pay attention long enough to remember details about the lids to solve the riddle and not get turned into stone, and therefore go to meet his pop and “Release the Cracker”? Find out in Nosh of the Titans!

As usual, I attached a bunch of images and even an animated gif of Moo-dusa, because the world needs more moving images of a cow with snake hair!

Moo-dusa Nosh of the Titans Sesame Street

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Posted by Tars Tarkas - September 2, 2015 at 9:54 pm

Categories: Misc News   Tags:

Youth of the Beast (Review)


Youth of the Beast

aka 野獣の青春 aka Yaju no Seishun aka Wild Youth
野獣の青春 Youth of the Beast
1963
Written by Ichiro Ikeda and Tadaki Yamazaki
Based on the novel by Haruhiko Oyabu
Directed by Seijun Suzuki

野獣の青春 Youth of the Beast
A random stranger coming to town to pit two rival groups against each other is a classic story done well in a variety of genres, and with Youth of the Beast we get the story set in the swinging 1960s yakuza beat, with director Seijun Suzuki determined to make the visuals by themselves a grand spectacle. Joe Shishido and his cheeks take their usual place as a Suzuki lead, as Shishido’s Joji Mizuno waltzes in to lead the sides to their collective dooms.

so what makes Youth of the Beast worth watching like similar tales Yojimbo, Red Harvest, Django, A Fistful of Dollars, or even The Warrior and the Sorceress? Aside from the story being well told again, there is the great Seijun Suzuki visuals. Suzuki starts showing off his boredom with the nonstop yakuza films by tossing in a bunch of visual flair. He must have had fun, because his films only seemed to escalate from here. Youth of the Beast opens with a bleak black and white scene of solemn police investigating a double suicide, a cop and a woman, the only point of color (and life) being a red flower. This sharply contrasts with the vibrant color and exciting city life full of laughing girls, violent fights at the drop of a hat, and a jazzy soundtrack that immediately follows, as Joji Mizuno beats through some Nomoto yakuza thugs to rob their money and blow it at their club.
野獣の青春 Youth of the Beast
The energetic club is full of life, sin, and sound, while the Nomoto yakuza bosses who control it observe though soundproof one way mirrors, giving the mirth a surreal quality. Mizuno’s ease of dispatching the thugs gains the interest of the boss, and after a bit of interrogation and some display of weapons skills, he’s on their team. Then just as quickly, Mizuno is ratting everything out to the boss of the rival Sanko gang. As he’s out for revenge against the groups that ruined his life, breaking them apart piece by piece becomes a fun game.
野獣の青春 Youth of the Beast
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Posted by Tars Tarkas - August 31, 2015 at 7:33 am

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Fatal Flip is a Lifetime housing crash!

Fatal Flip Lifetime

If this movie doesn’t end with a house literally being flipped on someone, demand your money back!


Just when you thought it was safe to watch those shows about awful people flipping houses with cheap construction and selling to gullible fools for ridiculous prices, now Lifetime has turned them into a Fatal Attraction situation! Fatal Flip has some first time flippers find out that they should have used Angie’s List when vetting their contractor, leading to probable fatal consequences! Someone call Mike Holmes to fix this housing mess, stat!

Jeff and Alex had a simple plan: buy a rundown house, make some repairs, sell it for a profit. But house-flipping can be expensive, and when the young couple partner with Nate, a handsome contractor with a dark past, they get more than they bargained for.

Fatal Flip stars Dominique Swain, Mike Faiola, Michael Steger, and Tatyana Ali, who is the only character I will care about as Ashley Banks rules. The film is directed by Maureen Bharoocha, and written by her and Ellen Huggins. This is Bharoocha’s first feature directing job and the first feature either women have written.

Fatal Flip premieres Saturday, August 29th on Lifetime!

via Lifetime

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Posted by Tars Tarkas - August 28, 2015 at 6:25 pm

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Detective Bureau 2-3: Go to Hell Bastards! (Review)


Detective Bureau 2-3: Go to Hell Bastards!

aka 探偵事務所23 くたばれ悪党ども aka Tantei Jimusho 23: Kutabare Akutodomo aka Detective Bureau 23: Down with the Wicked
探偵事務所23 くたばれ悪党ども Detective Bureau 2-3: Go to Hell Bastards!
1963
Screenplay by Gan Yamazaki (as Iwao Yamazaki)
Based on the novel by Haruhiko Oyabu
Directed by Seijun Suzuki

探偵事務所23 くたばれ悪党ども Detective Bureau 2-3: Go to Hell Bastards!
Detective Bureau 2-3 is a light-hearted action film, filled with plenty of comedy bits and trucks full of yakuza running around like video game mobs. This is before Seijun Suzuki went full fever dream, but he does have fun sending up the not very original undercover plot and having plenty of side action and goofs to fill the running time. At times it feels like a Keystone cops vs Keystone yakuza film, as trucks full of gang members armed with random blunt objects drive around in circles chasing after their prey, and dozens of cops run around and try to arrest them all. That’s just flavor for the Joe Shishido being a hero plot, but the trucks full of yakuza (and the musical numbers) are far more memorable than the central story.

The goofiness sort of works against the serious parts, we open with a Pepsi truck ambushing a weapons deal, Sakura and Otsuki gang members are massacred by the armed thugs riding the truck, and some poor Pepsi gets spilled when bottles are shot during the firefight. I guess those bottles won’t be getting the nickel refund! Was there a refund for glass bottles in Japan? The scene seems ridiculous, but the results are fatally real for everyone who is targeted. Only one witness survives, a guy named Manabe (Tamio Kawachi), and he’s suspected of being one of the attackers. The police have him stashed away in their precinct, and outside Sakura and Otsuki gang members wait in their cars, armed with rifles. Don’t worry, they all have the proper permits that say they are going hunting and are just waiting there before they go hunting, which is sort of hilarious. It would be even more hilarious if this wasn’t reality in various open carry states where morons carry AK-47s in public and scare people, and the cops can’t do anything.
探偵事務所23 くたばれ悪党ども Detective Bureau 2-3: Go to Hell Bastards!
The police know Manabe is dead if the mob gets him, and they don’t have enough evidence to hold him forever. So Captain Kumagaya (Nobuo Kaneko) has an idea, he calls on noted Detective Hideo Tajima (Joe Shishido). But to keep everything off the books and confusing in case of leaks or bad ends, Detective Hideo Tajima is given a gun and a permit, all under the fake identity of Ichiro Tanaka. He uses his skills to drive Manabe away from the waiting goons and causes enough of a scene (thanks to a timely cement truck blocking the yakuza vehicles) that they escape, and is instantly recruited to join Manabe’s gang.
探偵事務所23 くたばれ悪党ども Detective Bureau 2-3: Go to Hell Bastards!
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Posted by Tars Tarkas - August 24, 2015 at 7:32 am

Categories: Movie Reviews, Ugly   Tags: , , , , , , , , , , ,

The Unauthorized Full House Story spoils the secrets on Lifetime!

The Unauthorized Full House Story Lifetime

The Shocking Truth of what happened to Comet!!!


The most legally defensible word in the English languages is “Unauthorized”, and Lifetime is on a mission to turn that into a film franchise of 90s nostalgia mixed with the drama we never knew we needed to know, no matter how ridiculous and made up it may be. On that note, the next entry is The Unauthorized Full House Story, and that premieres this weekend in what will surely be a bunch of people making jokes on Twitter, a few of which will actually be watching the film!

Prepare to return to the world of Danny Tanny, Jesse Kastopolis, and Joey the Guy in the Basement along with all the kids and random neighbor children only months before the actual Full House sequel series premieres, where DJ Tanner continues the Tanner Spouse Death Curse. Will we learn shocking truths about how Bob Saget and John Stamos are mortal enemies? Will we learn what happened to the secret Olson Triplet? I expect a full expose about which cast member stole Dave Coulier’s career after the show ended! And if Full House ain’t your thing, Lifetime has upcoming Unauthorized Melrose Place and Unauthorized 90210 films on the way, with probably many more. I’m still waiting for their Unauthorized Fresh Prince of Bel Air and Power Rangers shows.

Lifetime’s Unauthorized film franchise continues this summer with the original movie “The Unauthorized Full House Story.” From its start as an unassuming family comedy in 1987 to its eventual wildly popular 192-episode run, the film centers on the rise of the cast of one of America’s most beloved family sitcoms and the pressures they faced in balancing their television personas with their real lives.

The iconic roles include:

DANNY TANNER: Garrett Brawith (“Rolling”) as Bob Saget

JOEY GLADSTONE: Justin Mader (“Death Race”) as Dave Coulier

JESSE KATSOPOLIS: Justin Gaston (“Days of Our Lives”) as John Stamos

REBECCA DONALDSON: Stephanie Bennett (“Big Eyes”) as Lori Loughlin

D.J. TANNER: Shelby Armstrong and Brittney Wilson (“Rogue”) as the younger and older versions of Candace Cameron

STEPHANIE TANNER: Dakota Guppy (“The Returned”) and Jordyn Olson (“The Unauthorized Saved by the Bell Story”) as the younger and older versions of Jodie Sweetin

MICHELLE TANNER: Blaise and Kinslea Todd as the toddler versions of twins Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen; Calla and Tyla Jones playing them at age six and Kylie and Jordan Armstrong as the twins at nine years of age

KIMMY GIBBLER: Aislyn Watson (“Finding Mrs. Claus”) and Jaime Schneider (“Twisted Tales of My 9 to 5″) as the younger and older versions of Andrea Barber

“The Unauthorized Full House Story” is produced by Front Street Pictures and Bay Road Productions Ltd. for broadcast on Lifetime. The movie is executive produced by Harvey Kahn (“Flowers in the Attic”) and Stephen Bulka (“The Unauthorized Saved by the Bell Story”). The film is directed by Brian K. Roberts (“An En Vogue Christmas”), and the teleplay is written by Ron McGee (“Rizzoli & Isles”).

The Unauthorized Full House Story premieres Saturday, August 22nd on Lifetime!

via Lifetime!

The Unauthorized Full House Story Lifetime

What did happen predictability?

The Unauthorized Full House Story Lifetime

Everywhere you look, Unauthorized Lifetime adaptations are coming for YOU!

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Posted by Tars Tarkas - August 20, 2015 at 11:35 am

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