How to Build a Better Boy (Review)


How to Build a Better Boy

How to Build a Better Boy Disney
2014
Written by Jason Mayland
Directed by Paul Hoen

Ashley Argota How to Build a Better Boy Disney
Disney Channel gender-swaps Weird Science and also turns it into a statement about government drones, somehow doing a better job than the Robocop remake. I’m not really sure how that happened, but it did. Probably because How to Build a Better Boy is actually fun to watch, despite it’s goofy origin and Disney squeaky-clean upper class template.

Gabby Harrison (China Anne McClain) and Mae Hartley (Kelli Berglund) are smart over-achieving high school sophomores that finish calculus tests in under 9 minutes (to the annoyance of their peers!) Gabby is 100% focus on her career track and saving the world through being incredibly awesome and smart, while Mae is starting to get distracted by boys. Particularly the star quarterback Jaden, who she tutors in math. Jaden may or may not have feelings for her, but that’s not the problem. The problem is Jaden is currently dating cheerleader Nevaeh Barnes (Ashley Argota), who is 100% focused on how awesome Nevaeh Barnes is and needs Jaden to be her perfect accessory while she becomes Homecoming Queen.
How to Build a Better Boy Disney
Thus Nevaeh Barnes and her posse humiliate Mae in front of the entire school (and Jaden!), the school having nothing better to do than watch two of the students be sassy to each other. Mae counters by pretending she has an awesome boyfriend who’s Alaskan, thus that’s why no one knows him. Even though everyone knows she’s lying, this puts Gabby on the thinking train and soon she’s scheming to create a virtual boyfriend for Mae. Mae’s dad does video game research, so Gabby’s plan is to hack into his company and use the AI models to create an AI boyfriend. This plan would be clever, except for the fact Mae’s dad secretly works for the government and is creating an autonomous robot fighting soldier/drone. A little obvious plot magic later and suddenly all the traits Mae wanted in a boyfriend are now encoded in this drone, unknowingly to the girls, and the result causes the computers at home to get fried.

The next day at school, suddenly the fake boyfriend Albert Banks has a huge social media profile and is now friends with half of the school. Nevaeh begins mocking the obviously fake profile, when suddenly Albert Banks (Marshall Williams) himself drives up in a Lamborghini. As he’s totes handsome and charming, suddenly every single girl is in love with Albert because he’s emotionally ambidextrous and a boy boy but sensitive and unnnnnhhhhhuuuuhhh and other strange sounds. Albert only has eyes for Mae, and proceeds to become the most perfect boyfriend ever, with picnic lunches and singing Selena Gomez in the park.
Marshall Williams How to Build a Better Boy Disney
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Posted by Tars Tarkas - September 1, 2014 at 7:46 am

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Sharktopus vs. Pteracuda (Review)


Sharktopus vs. Pteracuda

Sharktopus vs Pteracuda
2014
Written by Matt Yamashita
Directed by Kevin O’Neill

Mom! Dad! Why are you fighting! ::bursts into tears::

Sharktopus was one of the better performing SyFy original movies and helped lead the charge into the fray of combination animals running amok on an unsuspecting populace. As it’s also a Roger Corman production, you know that every last dime is going to get squeezed out of the film. Hence two sequels! Sharktopus vs. Pteracuda is the first of these, essentially the Empire Strikes Back of the trilogy.

But Sharktopus is dead, how can there be another Sharktopus movie? Easy! Thanks to a handy recap of prior events, we learn that Sharktopus was preggers! A shark egg sack is among the pieces of Sharktopus that float out to sea and are quickly caught in a net for a boat being chartered by a Latin America amusement park that has sent it out to find cool stuff in the ocean, and Lorena Christmas discovers the baby Sharktopus 2.0, which she begins to raise.

Sharktopus vs Pteracuda

I’ll make you watch every episode of King of the Nerds, or else!


On the polar opposite side we have another genetically engineered creature built as a weapon with Pteracuda, which has the flight powers of a pterodactyl and the underwater strength of a barracuda. While talk mentions that the US military is probably going to settle on its drone program over these genetically manipulated monstrosities, Dr. Rico Symes is convinced that he can create a creature that is more destructive in air and at sea that can outclass the drones. Things look well, until Pteracuda is almost immediately hijacked and goes berserk.
Sharktopus vs Pteracuda

Good thing she was wearing her life jacket!


Dr. Rico Symes (Robert Carradine) – Dr. Rico Symes is the amoral genius creator of Pteracuda, doing the whole project in secret to the world and his own company. Symes must then stop his creation after it is hijacked, but refuses to stick his neck out while doing so. He founded Symodyne, which we know is bad because all companies that end in -dyne are evil! Not only that, but Dr. Symes kidnaps Lorena at gunpoint and drags her into his unmarked white van. Robert Carradine is awesome here, he is like an evil Lewis Skolnick on steroids!
Lorena Christmas (Katie Savoy) – Not a Ph.D., hired directly out of college by her uncle, who owns the aquatic theme park. Raises the new Sharktopus from a newborn, and recognizes its intelligence, and was trying to condition it to be nonviolent. I wonder if she’s named after Dr. Christmas Jones from The World is Not Enough.
“Ham” Hammerstein (Rib Hillis) – Leader of the security team hired by Dr. Symes as insurance in case something goes wrong with Pteracuda, and the only member to make it through the opening sequence alive. Weirdly loyal to Dr. Symes for most of the flick until he’s betrayed one too many times. Enjoys harpoon-based weaponry.
Sharktopus (CGI) – Sharktopus is really Sharktopus 2.0, either Son of Sharktopus or Daughter of Sharktopus. It doesn’t really matter for movie purposes. Just how Sharktopus got pregnant in the first place is not addressed. Raised in a theme park, Sharktopus is unable to throw off its created purpose as an alpha predator/weapon, and thanks to a control circuit lodged in its head, is sent out to fight Pteracuda.
Pteracuda (CGI) – Designed as a replacement/improvement of drones, Pteracuda is hijacked and soon is killing lots of people, leading its creator to go to extreme methods to hunt it down. Which means it fights Sharktopus! The hacker who takes control wants Pteracuda to attack a nuclear power plant.

Sharktopus vs Pteracuda

Seconds before the kiss


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Posted by Tars Tarkas - August 30, 2014 at 12:04 am

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Ardennes Fury is in the tank for Asylum!

Brad Pitt has an upcoming World War II tank movie called Fury, thus Asylum has their own World War II tank movie – Ardennes Fury!

As the Battle of the Bulge rages on, an American tank unit gets trapped behind Nazi lines. With just hours before the bombs of Operation Ardennes Fury fall, the tank’s commander makes the risky decision to rescue an orphanage.

Tanks and orphans! They even got some World War II rein actors to help, and have a M36 Jackson Tank Destroyer running around. Nazis at the Center of the Earth director Joseph Lawson helms this mockbuster, and contributed to the story along with newcomer writer Stephen Llorens. Ardennes Fury stars William Thomas Stedham as Sgt. Lance Dawson, Bill Voorhees, Tino Struckman, Lawrence Garnell Jr., and Lauren Vera. The street date is November 11, but you’ll probably be able to find it on different distribution channels before that, depending on how it’s rolled out across America.

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via Asylum

Ardennes Fury Asylum

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Posted by Tars Tarkas - August 29, 2014 at 7:10 pm

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Kittens conquer Christmas in Asylum’s Santa Claws!

No, this is not the 1996 horror film Santa Claws, this is an entirely different, family friendly Santa Claws. With kittens. Lots and lots of kittens.

The film has existed in at least poster form since 2013, but now it exists in real form for a holiday 2014 release!

Santa is allergic to cats, so he has a policy against delivering them as gifts. But little Tommy has been SO good, and all he wants is one small kitty – Santa says OK. But instead of one, the whole litter climbs into the sack. When Santa has a major allergic reaction, the kitties have to take over and deliver the presents on time.

Kids love allergic reactions, and kids love kittens. I will assume that the kittens talk, unless the entire back half of the film is done in complete silence less a few mews. Which could also work if done correctly. Or maybe the film suddenly gets taken over by a narrator, who lets us into the action but becomes increasingly annoying until the kittens run him down with the sleigh.

Here’s hoping some smart kid left out an epi-pen for Santa!

Glenn Miller directs, he helmed The Co-Ed and the Zombie Stoner, so you know he knows how to handle pussy. I’ve probably made that joke 100 times in the ten years this site has been live. The script is by Anna Rasmussen, who wrote Social Nightmare and Blood Lake: Attack of the Killer Lampreys, so it will be a fun time until the kittens get cyberstalked and attacked by monsters! Santa Claws stars Nicola Lambo (Barney: The Land of Make Believe), Evan Boynel (Goats), John P. Fowler, Erica Duke (Bikini Spring Break), and Ezra James Colbert.

I think we can all agree that this will be a thousand times better than that Grumpy Cat Christmas movie.

IMDB
via Asylum

Santa Claws Asylum

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Posted by Tars Tarkas -  at 5:51 pm

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Dinosaurus! – new RiffTrax VOD!

RiffTrax takes on another classic with Dinosaurus! Faithful friends of awesome cinema will remember this as the film where an Allosaurus fights a steam shovel, and also there is a Brontosaurus (suck it, Apatosaurus lovers!) and a Caveman running around. And an annoying kid. Damn that kid! Never fear, there are plenty of offensive ethnic stereotypes, and the main villain looks like Big Daddy from The Simpsons’ Spinoff Showcase!

Buy it today on RiffTrax.com before you become frozen in time!

Also a bunch of older VOD titles have been put up on Hulu+ if you are into paying for streaming content in plus format.

TarsTarkas.NET handled Dinosaurus! waaaaay back in 2005, when there still was the occasional dinosaur running around. Now the only dinosaur is this site….

Time for Dinosaurus! Not to be confused with Dinosaur U.S., the traveling show where patriotic velociraptors do a leggy synchronized dance to entertain the troops. No, Dinosaurus is a vintage 60s monster flick, complete with a caveman and drunk-looking stop motion dinosaurs (or are they dinosauruses? It’s never quite clear). The dinos find themselves unfrozen on an island chock full of stereotypes (stereotypuses?) including a square-jawed hero, a fat man-child sidekick named Dumpy, a kid who knows what’s really going on but gosh, gee golly, nobody will listen to him, and O’Leary, an Irishman so drunk and cartoonish he single-handedly inspired the formation of the Irish Anti-Defamation League. And, last but not least, the Island Manager (which is apparently a thing) whose hat and beard and general sliminess might just remind you of a certain fella whose interests include keeping the Master happy and slow pizza delivery.

It’s not about DinosaurMe, it’s not about DinosaurYou, it’s about DinosaurUs. We love this one and think you will too, join Mike, Kevin, and Bill for Dinosaurus!

Dinosaurus RiffTrax

Here is a cool French Dinosaurus poster because why not?
Dinosaurus Poster French

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Posted by Tars Tarkas - August 28, 2014 at 9:21 pm

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274 Amazing Japanese B-Movie Posters!

The Guardians Japanese Poster

The Guardians


If there is one thing we like, it’s Ziggy comics! Ziggy is awesome. We also like Japanese posters of B-movies like those found on SyFy/SciFi Channel, because those posters are awesome as crap. So TarsTarkas.NET has collected 274 posters for your viewing pleasure, because we take delight in having odd numbers of stuff.

Many of the posters are taken from PosRen, which has hundreds of other posters that are probably just as cool, along with some that aren’t as cool. But these are the coolest, guaranteed. Just check out the overly long gallery below for your favorite flicks: Sharknado, Ghost Shark, Snakes on a Train, Nydenion (Okay, they can’t all be winners!) You can also find out which American franchises have been given unofficial sequels thanks to Japanese distributors renaming films! (Answer: A lot!)

FYI: The term UMA stands for Unidentified Mysterious Animal, it is a cryptozoology term that is much more popular in Japan than the US. I can’t explain why there are so many burnt bat outlines unless they are all Batman references for some reason. Maybe they are…

Now if you excuse me, I have to check out today’s Ziggy comic!

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Posted by Tars Tarkas - August 25, 2014 at 7:12 am

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