Wuthering High School gets detention on Lifetime!

If you thought high school sucked, just be glad you didn’t go to Wuthering High School! I’d rather be stuck at that high school where everyone sings! How much the new high school version will follow the novel Wuthering Heights remains to be seen, but if we don’t have a high body count from people making themselves sick out of spite, then what’s the point?

In this modern retelling of Emily Brontë’s classic novel Wuthering Heights, Cathy Earnshaw is an outcast at her wealthy Malibu high school, where she struggles to cope with her mother’s tragic death. Sadness turns to exhilaration when her father brings in Heath, a troubled kid whose mother, a long-time employee of Mr. Earnshaw, is suddenly deported. Cathy and Heath are irresistibly drawn to each other, desperately filling the voids in each other’s lives. But theirs is a destructive love, they rarely show up to class, and when they do it’s chaos. As Cathy’s friends mock the unconventional, arrogant Heath, she feels even further isolated. Finally, Cathy caves to social pressure and breaks up with Heath for a more popular boy. Heath can’t forgive her betrayal, and the two lovers start down a tragic path spurred by jealousy, pride, and their undeniable, consuming passion.

Wuthering High School will live and die based on the chemistry of the leads, if they can pull off that forbidden romance angel. The film stars Paloma Kwiatkowski (Percy Jackson: Sea of Monsters), Sean Flynn (Return of the Killer Shrews), Francesca Eastwood (True Crime), Andrew Jacobs (Paranormal Activity: The Marked Ones), James Caan (The Godfather), and Rachel G. Fox (Zombie Night). It’s directed by Anthony DiBlasi (Last Shift) and written by Delondra Williams (Ragin Cajun Redneck Gators).

Wuthering High School premieres Saturday, March 14, on Lifetime! Maybe I’ll get to make an “Emily Brontësaurus” joke about it!

via Lifetime

Wurthering High School Lifetime

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Posted by Tars Tarkas - March 4, 2015 at 3:45 pm

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Watch Your Back is Snapchat Terror on Lifetime!

Watch Your Back Lifetime

No, I am not interested in winning a free cruise.


Not only is the Internet going to kill you, but this time the specific app out for blood is Snapchat! (Or whatever they call the film’s knockoff version!) Watch Your Back is another of Lifetime’s films in the killer internet genre, and someone is turning the Ghostface Chillah into a potential Ghostface Killah on poor Sarah, and I don’t mean the guy from Wu-Tang Clan! At last, a point for Snapchat beyond sending nude photos that are totally not being saved on a server somewhere.

Despite the Snapchat erasing all evidence plot focus, the trailer seems to show the guy calling on the phone and also leaving graffiti around the house, which makes me wonder about the whole “no evidence” thing, but let’s just ignore that plot problem until the film comes out.

Lifetime jiggled their schedule around a bit, bumping Watch Your Back (previously known as Killer Photo) up two weeks and dropping all mention of Killer Crush, which was originally scheduled for March 7th. Or their long term scheduling is just messed up, which wouldn’t be a surprise as they’ve moved things around before, just never so soon before airtime (that I can recall).

Sarah’s life is finally where she wants it to be… recently married to her doting husband and the new mother to his adorable 6-year-old daughter, she balances her family life with a high-powered marketing job. But when Sarah starts receiving threatening texts and photos of herself on her cell phone, her perfect life starts to unravel. Unable to prove to the police that she is being harassed because the messages disappear as soon as she opens them, Sarah takes it upon herself to find out who her stalker is….and the shocking reason why she has been targeted.

The most shocking thing about Watch Your Back isn’t that Snapchat is being used for something besides illicit nudes, but that Rolfe Kanefsky wrote the script. The mastermind behind the dozens of Cinemax Emanuelle movies Rolfe Kanefsky! Jason Furukawa directs, he’s done mostly television and assistant directing work, besides something called My Babysitter Is an Alien that probably sounds better than it is.

Watch Your Back stars AnnaLynne McCord (The Christmas Parade), Mark Ghanimé (Helix), Gracyn Shinyei (A Cookie Cutter Christmas), Darla Taylor (Stolen from the Womb), Brent Stait (Sea Beast), and Jody Thompson (Alien Trespass).

Watch Your Back premieres Saturday, March 7th on Lifetime!

via Lifetime

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Posted by Tars Tarkas - March 3, 2015 at 9:25 pm

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Boy God (Review)


Rocco, Ang Batang Bato

aka Boy God aka Stone Boy
Rocco Ang Batang Bato Boy God Stone Boy Filipino
1983
Story by Joeben Miraflor
Screenplay by Eliseo Corcuerra
Directed by J. Erastheo Navoa

That vampire is paralyzed with shock at the idiocy he’s witnessing!

What a great movie for children! In the opening minute there is a woman being molested in her sleep by a spectral god, having an orgasm because, why not? Then her parents are gunned down less than two minutes later by a ruthless local warlord. An annoying fat kid then bloats up the running time until we finally get the werewolves, vampires, and monsters. Kids love violence and rape and annoying fat kids, and Boy God aka Stone Boy aka Rocco, Ang Batang Bato gives the children what they want!

If you aren’t familiar with Boy God, it’s a Filipino childrens’ film that was imported to the US and given an annoying dub and multiple titles. This lead to some confusion when attempting to track down rare films in the days before the internet. As far as I can tell, both titles are the exact same English dub and cut. I’ve not seen the original Filipino version, but the names in Tagalog do not seem to correspond at all with the English ones. I do want to see how the Filipino actor pretending to be the mad German scientist Dr. Mengele actually is supposed to be Dr. Mengele, and if he has a German accent. The gods all seem inspired from Clash of the Titans and similar films, as they are all Greek-looking. The vampires are more animalistic, like half-bat monsters, and Janice is dressed up as a Filipino komiks superheroine. So there is a healthy mixture of influences.
Rocco Ang Batang Bato Boy God Stone Boy Filipino
You can probably tell from my tone that I don’t really care for this film that much. The kid is among the most annoying I’ve seen in film, the most annoying child I’ve seen in a Filipino flick, and probably on my top ten list of most annoying children of all time. (That is a list with a heavy amount of Kennys!) But beyond that, the fantasy elements are pretty cool. They are all practical effects, and they are the lovable ridiculous practical effects that everyone rags on but secretly miss. Effects with heart. So I can’t hate on Boy God too much. Just the star, and the unfortunately decision to not kill the child off and replace him with someone not terrible.

Director J. Erastheo Navoa helmed a few other genre flicks, some have a bit written about them, and some are complete mysteries. His biggest is probably Darna at Ding, but there is also Tikboy and Pamboy and Super Islaw and the Flying Kids. The latter got a revival in the tv series Super Inggo, Super Inggo being the son of Super Islaw and a supervillainess. Movie superheroine Super Inday played Super Inggo’s fiance, Super Inday had her own movie in the 80s that was remade in 2010 called Super Inday and the Golden Bibe.
Rocco Ang Batang Bato Boy God Stone Boy Filipino
Despite this film being rather well-known among weird world cinema collectors, it doesn’t have that much written about it online, so enjoy the more detailed plot synopsis review below!

Rocco (Niño Muhlach) – Rocco has invulnerable skin, meaning he can’t be hurt by normal means. Rocco with the rock hard skin, a lot of creativity is present. His mom is named Cora (Cecille Castillo) and his father is Issabello, but both are killed when he is a baby and stuck in Purgatory. His real father is the god Pyfan. His grandmother is named Dunata, and is who raises Rocco. Rocco gets weak in water, which is a convenient excuse not to take a bath for a kid. His hobbies include rolling into a ball and bowling into people, defeating local warlords, fighting monsters, saving his parents from awful fates, and being annoying.
Tiki (???) – The talking parrot pet of Rocco who factors into the film in the beginning and then sort of fades away.
Robbie (???) – A local warlord dressed in a Flintsones cow toga who harasses the village. Killed Rocco’s parents. Is in league with Dr. Mengele. Robbie isn’t a name that instills in me a sense of terror, but occasionally it sounds like they are calling in Grobbie, which is even worse.
Golem (???) – A giant cyclops, not a golem, but whatever. Enjoys threatening and eating small people, but gets annoyed that they randomly have sharp knives on their bodies that he has to spit out. Tries to eat Rocco.
Janice (Liz Alindogan) – Why would you think this is Darna? She’s clearly Janice! A totally different Filipino wonder woman, and vaguely the love interest for Rocco, despite the fact he’s a goofy boy. Janice is named Janus in the Tagalog version, borrowing a name from Clash of the Titans
Dr. Rowling (Jimi Melendez) – A heroic doctor who tries to solve the monster problem in the neighborhood, and ends up teaming up with Rocco to do so. I don’t know if he’s related to the Harry Potter author. Dr. Rowling is named Eldee in the Tagalog version.
Dr. Mengele (???) – The infamous Nazi scientist has been hiding out in the Philippines under the name Dr. Desares, and he’s somehow also Filipino now! OMG! He’s behind the rash of monsters thanks to the continued efforst of his experiments, and he’s also financing Robbie’s reign of terror.
Vulcan, Elder of the Immortals (Venchito Galvez) – Vulcan shows up to do his blind soothsayer act and bestow upon Rocco a bunch of magic armor and a quest.

Rocco Ang Batang Bato Boy God Stone Boy Filipino
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Posted by Tars Tarkas -  at 8:24 am

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Ms. 45 (Review)


Ms. 45

aka Angel of Vengeance
Ms. 45
1981
Written by Nicholas St. John (as N.G. St. John)
Directed by Abel Ferrara

Ms. 45
Ms. 45 is a genre classic, a required viewing exploitation film, and among the best rape and revenge movies ever made. Zoë Lund (then Zoë Tamerlis) is haunting as the mute Thana, whose life as a seamstress at a fashion house is shattered when she’s attacked by rapists twice on the same day. The second attack ends with Thana striking a blow atop the assailant’s head, killing him. At first horrified at what she’s done, Thana attempts to cover up his death, and takes the gun he leaves behind. Soon, her paranoia as she disposes of pieces of his dismembered corpse causes her to kill again.

Thana transforms from silent victim to silent avatar of death, walking the streets at night to become a target of attackers so she can eliminate them. As no one likes scummy rapists, Thana’s actions cause the audience to cheer for her, the excitement of seeing bad people punished mixes with the thrill of someone fighting back against her oppressors.
Ms. 45
It soon becomes apparent that Thana’s search for vengeance has moved beyond rapists. She starts stalking a guy who is just making out with his girlfriend in the street. The target have moved from bad men to men in general, and by the end of the film she’s shooting every man she sees, indiscriminate of whether he is an awful person or not. The targets even go beyond human males, her landlady’s dog Phil (played by a dog named Bogey, which is too cool of a name not to mention) is aware that some sort of delicious rotting meat is in her apartment, and Thana attempts to eliminate him by taking him for a walk in heavy traffic. The audience sympathy begins to drain away like a leaky balloon. But Zoë Lund is just too charming, you can’t turn against her entirely even if she’s aiming a gun at your face. Thana’s rise and fall becomes another tale of power corrupting, her power of life and death corrupting her into a force that lashes out indiscriminately and becomes as bad as the people who turned her onto that path.

As fun as gunning down the guilty in the streets goes, who really should be the judge, jury, and executioner? Many of the men Thana shoots are not the nicest of guys, but haven’t committed capital crimes. They may treat their wives/girlfriends like crap, complain, and talk rowdy stuff, but is that worth death? Thana sees the worst in men, and many of the depictions of men in the movie are men who are only seen at their worst. How much of the view of how the male characters act is clouded by her perspective? It’s an extra layer of haze that may be present over the entire film, or may not exist at all. After all, as a man, I know how sick and twisted many men are.
Ms. 45
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Posted by Tars Tarkas - February 26, 2015 at 9:05 pm

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Sleepy Hollow S02E12 – “Paradise Lost”

Paradise Lost Sleepy Hollow

Ohhhh, he’s an angel. Because I didn’t get that.


Sleepy Hollow “Paradise Lost”
Written by M. Raven Metzner
Directed by Russell Fine
Paradise Lost Sleepy Hollow

Hey, we only have room for ONE headless guy in this series, bub!


Sleepy Hollow jumps ship from it’s plotlines and starts a new thread, in a neat mid-season reboot of everything that causes characters to reflect on their life while still showing the scattered remains of a cancelled Apocalypse. The switch up is rather refreshing, both because it was so unexpected and because the end of the world danger was moving too fast to begin with. We were still down two Horsemen and five years before things are supposed to transpire. So even though I don’t trust this reboot, that’s long enough to have several other reboots that get the End of Days back on track.

Ichabod, Abbie, Jenny, and Katrina awaken by the four white trees to find Moloch’s head lying in a pile of ash, no sign of Henry, and the end of the world postponed for now. Six weeks later, things are still quite, though Ichabod and Abbie are still looking for any clue they can possibly find to show evil is still present in the city. It’s enough that Ichabod takes the slightest clue of a rotten fruit as evidence of occult activity, though in this case it shows there is strange goings on at a farm.

Paradise Lost Sleepy Hollow

Mystery Ferret!


A Doomsday Cult run by actual demons (called the Devoli), who are searching for their master, Moloch. Ichabod and Abbie’s interruption of their activities are also interrupted by a random Angel named Orion, who slays one of the demons. He claims to have been trapped in Purgatory since the Revolutionary Times, where he was slain by the Headless Horseman back when he had a head, and only just now escaped Purgatory along with a lot of other people and things, including the Devoli. Orion claims to be the only one of the angels who goes to directly fight evil, and admires that the two Witnesses (Abbie and Ichabod) did more than just witness the end, but actively fought it. Of course, we all know this angel is going to be more than he appears, and it turns out he’s a rather single-minded destroyer of evil who has gone too far, and wants to steal the powers of the Horseman of Death for his own to purge mankind of wickedness.
Paradise Lost Sleepy Hollow

This better be the real non-GMO organic or I’ll cut you!


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Posted by Tars Tarkas - February 24, 2015 at 7:34 am

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Kept Woman is trapped in a nightmare on Lifetime!

Kept Woman Lifetime
Lifetime rips more scandals from the headlines with Kept Woman, which appears to be a modified version of the Arlene Castro kidnappings, with a healthy dose of 1950s women are objects sleaze thrown in to make things safe for television but still incredibly gross. For not only is Courtney Ford kidnapped, but the kidnapper has his own brainwashed Stepford wife #1 already who helps him try to break her in. But she’s not going to take that without a fight.

Jessica and her fiancé Evan just moved from the city into their dream home on a quiet suburban street. Soon after, Jessica catches her seemingly friendly new neighbor, Simon, in a strange lie and can’t let her suspicions rest. The danger escalates when Simon lures her inside his home and imprisons Jessica in his secret bunker, meticulously decorated in the idealized style of the 1950’s. Here she meets Robin, a woman who’s been held captive by Simon for several years and brainwashed into living as his faithful companion – a fate that is now set for Jessica unless she can somehow find a way to escape from Simon’s time-warped prison. Inspired by true events.

Creepy creeps being creeps? This looks insane! I’m totally there.

Kept Woman stars Courtney Ford (Dexter, True Blood), Shaun Benson, Rachel Wilson, Andrew W. Walker, Jesse Camacho, and Troy Blundell. It’s directed by Michel Poulette (Too Young to Marry) and written by the team of Doug Barber and James Taylor Phillips (Forget and Forgive)

Kept Woman premieres Saturday, February 28th on Lifetime!

via Lifetime

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Posted by Tars Tarkas - February 23, 2015 at 11:09 pm

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