Dark Haul trucks up SyFy!

Dark Haul

Quick, switch to the BFG!


SyFy inches back to showing regular features in October, with three new films as part of their 31 Days of Halloween series. Dark Haul (aka Monster Truck) is the first, featuring a monster, a truck, a monster girl, and Tom Sizemore.

A team of secretive guardians transport a deadly creature and its half-human sister to a secure location, but the beast escapes and threatens to fulfill a prophecy – by destroying the world. Dark Haul stars Tom Sizemore (Saving Private Ryan, Black Hawk Down), Rick Ravanello (The Cave, Hart’s War) and Evalena Marie (Remains, Serena and the Ratts). Dark Haul is a production of Synthetic Cinema International.

Hey, it’s a monster and a sister and they fight some humans, will she realize her brother looks like a video game villain? I’m probably most excited about Evalena Marie going demonic all up in there! The prophecy and conspiracy and arguments about if demons can be good I can take or leave, but we need some demon fighting action and people being torn to shreds and that truck that flips over running down demons and basically make the body count like a trillion people and a trillion demons. Give or a take a few billion.

Dark Haul is directed by Daniel Wise and written by Ben Crane, neither of which have any substantial credits. So this is a complete mystery going in as far as track records are concerned.

A trailer is on ShockTillYouDrop in case you want to check it out!

Dark Haul premieres Saturday, October 4 at 9PM on SyFy!

Dark Haul

Did the monster brother braid her hair?

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Posted by Tars Tarkas - September 30, 2014 at 11:48 am

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Wedding Planner Mystery takes a vow on Hallmark Movies & Mysteries!

Wedding Planner Mystery Hallmark Movies and Mysteries

Anyone messes with my wedding plans and they get a glue gun between the eyes!


Everyone look out! Weddings are the new source of mysterious mysteries! And not lame themed wedding designed for Facebook likes, there is a murder and kidnapping in Hallmark Movies and Mysteries’ Wedding Planner Mystery! Luckily, no one ever can outwit a wedding planner, thus Carnegie Kincaid is on the case.

Hey, is she named after Andrew Carnegie, who funded the Carnegie libraries, thus allowing this mystery book to have the obligatory references to libraries and librarians that just happen to be in 97% of mystery books I read? Obviously. Of course, I’d have to read Deborah Donnelly’s book to be certain, but I’m pretty confident in my guess. In fact, I hope the continued adaptation of mystery series means we’ll start getting all those series with talking animals and magical animals that help solve mysteries. I want a weekend that is all talking magic cats solving human murders and demanding more tuna!

Back to Wedding Planner Mystery:

Based on Deborah Donnelly’s novel “Veiled Threats,” Carnegie Kincaid (Erica Durance) is a wedding planner and a perfectionist in both work and romance. When a murder occurs and a bride (Chelan Simmons) is kidnapped surrounding the wedding of a prominent family embroiled in a high profile fraud scandal, Carnegie becomes a suspect. She is questioned by police and pursued by shady news reporter Aaron Gold (Andrew W. Walker). To make matters more terrifying, Carnegie is pretty certain whoever is responsible for the crime is out to get rid of her. As she struggles to clear her name, Carnegie is hounded by a hard-boiled detective (Rick Ravanello) and wooed by a handsome lawyer (Brandon Beemer). With her life exploding into a whirlwind mix of danger, mystery, and romance, Carnegie begins to realize that love does not always arrive in a pretty package and that the perfect “Prince Charming” she’s been waiting for may not have her best interests in mind.

Wedding Planner Mystery is directed by Ron Oliver (Perfect on Paper, Beethoven’s Treasure Tail), with a screenplay by Darcy Meyers (a writer for JAG and Silk Stalkings) based on the book by Deborah Donnelly.

Wedding Planner Mystery premieres Sunday, October 19 on Hallmark Movies & Mysteries!

via Hallmark Movies & Mysteries

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Posted by Tars Tarkas -  at 7:32 am

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Along Came a Nanny to Hallmark Movies & Mysteries!

ALONG CAME A NANNY Hallmark Movies and Mysteries

90 minutes of the nanny cop figuring out who ripped the doll!


Hallmark doesn’t just have original movies on their own channel, they have a special Hallmark Movie Channel. Except not any more, because as of September 29th, Hallmark Movie Channel is now Hallmark Movies & Mysteries!

That move sort of makes sense, as Hallmark is positioning themselves to be a leading source of mystery made for tv movies, including popular adaptations of mystery books series. As there are literally a bajillion mystery books, many with their own themes and gimmicks, there is a potentially endless supply of sources for films, and that’s not counting the original movies. They go full force into promoing everything in their introduction video.

What looks like the first new mystery film is Along Came a Nanny, premiering on October 12th:

As a series of burglaries plague an upscale, gated community, handsome detective Mike Logan (Cameron Mathison) goes undercover as a nanny, infiltrating the neighborhood and investigating the crimes. When the Bannermans, a high maintenance family in need of domestic assistance, hire Mike as their nanny, he forms an unlikely bond with the Bannerman children (Valin Shinyei and Jena Skodje) and develops a crush on Jessie (Sarah Lancaster), a beautiful nanny who works nearby. Struggling in his new role, an overwhelmed Mike soon falls out of favor with the children, who sense they’re in less than capable hands. Meanwhile, tensions rise as Police Captain Frank Milano (Tom McBeath) grows frustrated with Mike for making little headway in solving the high profile case. Amid a scandalous mayoral election and a growing list of local crime suspects, will Mike bring the criminals to justice, while trying to win back the affection of the Bannerman children and the heart of fellow nanny Jessie?

An undercover cop nanny? It’s like those action vehicles stars take for a paycheck, but I bet it will be way less embarrassing for everyone involved. Will they use the word “Manny”? I will wager money on yes.

Along Came a Nanny is directed by Michael Scott (Lifetime’s Run for Your Life), and written by Gary Goldstein (a Hallmark regular, including the upcoming My Boyfriends’ Dogs)

I wish hallmark Movies & mysteries well, and look forward to a constant stream of crazy mystery movies!

via Hallmark Movies & Mysteries

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Posted by Tars Tarkas - September 29, 2014 at 6:50 pm

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Northpole dashes onto Hallmark!

Northpole Hallmark

Let’s begin trying to pull this sleigh with a succession of farm animals. Beginning with a gorilla!


Hey, I promised I’d start writing about the Hallmark Christmas films once they start popping up with their own entries, and I keep my promises that I’m not too lazy to not keep! Thus, Northpole gets it’s own entry as that is the one Hallmark is promoting the most right now. I’m guessing because they think it will have the best cross-demographics success, and they may be correct.

Santa (Robert Wagner) and Mrs. Claus’s (Jill St. John) magical home, Northpole, has grown into a huge city powered by the magic of holiday happiness around the world. Yet the city is in trouble, as people everywhere are too busy to enjoy festive time together. One of these stressed-out souls is Chelsea (Tiffani Thiessen), a single mom who is trying to get noticed at her new reporting job while helping her ten-year-old son Kevin (Max Charles) adjust to a new school. When he starts talking about real elves and actual sleigh rides, she worries that his imagination has gotten out of control. With a little added help from Kevin’s charming teacher Ryan (Josh Hopkins), a mysterious elf, Clementine (Bailee Madison), and a gospel singer named Josephine (Candice Glover), Chelsea may learn that even chasing down the facts can lead to holiday magic.

We got elves, we got Santa, we got an American Idol contestant, we got Tiffani Thiessen, we got reindeer. It’s a movie about spending time with your family and friends, which means it’s promoting not watching movies (Uh, Northpole excepted, right??) This film might be worth checking out to see just how they deal with the whole North Pole city on a tv movie budget.

Northpole is directed by Douglas Barr, who has directed a bunch of tv movies like The Mystery Cruise as well as starred in Spaced Invaders! It’s written by the writing team of Gregg Rossen and Brian Sawyer (Undercover Bridesmaid)

Northpole premieres Saturday, November 15th on Hallmark Channel
via Hallmark

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Posted by Tars Tarkas -  at 3:24 pm

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Sesame Street gets its yumpire on with Twilight Breaking Cookie!


Sesame Street gives kids a good lesson in self-control, all the while skewering those Twilight films! In Sesame Street: Twilight Breaking Cookie, Shortbredward (Cookie Monster!) is a yumpire, which means he can’t control himself around cookies, and much devour him immediately. He and Belly are in love, but Belly can’t have any cookies with Shortbredward eating them all! What a jerk! Enter the third angle of this love triangle with Bacob the Wolf, who spends all day baking cookies to try to impress Belly, and howling in frustration when his efforts fail. With the impending nuptials between Shortbredward and Belly approaching, Bacob makes one last ditch effort to show that Shortbredward is an out of control yumpire. Can Shortbredward learn self-control and not eat all the cookies, all while reenacting scenes from the Twilight movies?

I especially enjoy how for half of the short, Belly says nothing except “I love you, Shortbredward” or “I love him”. But once she finally gets some backbone it is when Shortbredward learns some self-control. It both proves Shortbredward’s love for her, as it is the motivation he needs, and gives her character something to do besides look depressed and declare her love. And don’t forget the twist at the end!

Will kids learn from this? The original suggestions have to do with getting your mind off of the subject that gets you out of control by distractions, but the ultimate solution is to prove to yourself that you have the motivation to avoid it, exampled as talking it through. Because true change comes from within. So all in all, this one was pretty good!

Shortbredward is a yumpire with a cookie thirst and Belly is the girl who loved Shortbredward. The problem is that Shortbredward couldn’t control himself enough to share his cookies with Belly. Will Shortbredward ever learn to control himself or will Bacob the Wolf convince Belly to be with someone who has better executive functioning skills? Find out in Twilight: Breaking Cookie!

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Posted by Tars Tarkas -  at 1:41 pm

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Lolita from Interstellar Space (Review)


Lolita from Interstellar Space

Lolita from Interstellar Space
2014
Written and directed by Dean McKendrick

This is the USS Vladimir Nabokov, we’re being chased by an unknown vessel and requesting assistance!

Lolita from Interstellar Space is yet another erotic parody softcore feature from Synthetic Filmwerx, complete with science-fiction elements and featuring a load of the familiar actors and song queues you know and love from the Retromedia bunch. Despite the reins being handed over fully to Dean McKendrick, the films are still recognizably from the same production group, and Lolita feels like a comfortable pair of slippers.

An alien comes to Earth to learn all about humanity, and humanity’s favorite pastime – sex! Or killing each other, but that wouldn’t make a good late night cable movie, so that’s all thrown out in favor of the bumping of uglies. A good decision, in my opinion. Who knew that softcore films are more progressive than prime time television?

Lolita from Interstellar Space

This film just made a profit!


Lolita from Interstellar Space succeeds in having a group of characters who are flawed but still good people (except for Greg, who is just bad), lending some realism to their portrayals. Sarah, who likes fancy stuff, but likes honesty and not putting up with a bunch of crap more. Joe, who is aimlessly drifting through college, but stays away from dipping into the unscrupulous doings of his friend Greg. Brandy, who enjoys attention but is rather reserved. Lolita isn’t a super smart alien chosen for this unique mission, she’s a screw-up who goes because it’s a last-ditch effort to get a passing grade. And even then, she messes up and has to fix the problems.

This film does raise the question on if the aliens are sending students to different planets all the time for extra credit, and what are the long term consequences of this action? Could thousands of planets in the galaxy be receiving visits from this race in the form of students who are in danger of failing? And where to the advanced students go? Once again, the viewer must answer these questions for themselves. I am fully confident that this will be the main avenue of discussion for Lolita from Interstellar Space, and not the sex scenes. I’m also fully confident you knew I was kidding about that last sentence!

Lolita from Interstellar Space

All your insurance covers is hypnotherapy!


You also need to know that Lolita from Interstellar Space is based on the classic tale by Jules Verne! Wait…WHAT??? Damn you, Jules Verne!

Lolita (Anna Morna) – An alien student whose real name is Lo’Lee-tha (no one pronounces it that way on Earth), she is sent to Earth to learn about humanity to make up for her dismal grades. Lolita learns about humanity and a whole lot more, mostly stuff in the erotic category. Though she probably could have just googled all that.
Sarah (Christine Nguyen) – A cocktail waitress who likes expensive stuff, but likes responsibility even more. Strong willed. Roommates with Brandy and Joe.
Brandy (Karlie Montana) – A candy striper at the hospital, enjoys her patients and her roommates, Joe and Sarah. Enjoys Joe a bit more than Sarah.
Joe (Seth Gamble) – Joe is on his third term as a senior, will he ever graduate? Who knows. He’s a bartender at the same bar Sarah works at, and is friends with Greg.
Professor Zarren (Nick Manning) – Lo’Lee-tha’s teacher at graduate school, Professor Zarren sets up the special study course that allows her to still earn the credits she needs to finish with a degree. Nick Manning plays Professor Zarren stiffly and like he can’t open his mouth fully, giving him an alien feel. Because he’s an alien.
Greg (Chad White) – Greg is Sarah’s no-good boyfriend, who lost his job while cheating on her (thus hasn’t told her that he’s fired), spends money he doesn’t have on her, then cheaps out and renegs on promises to her. Also, he’s a jerk, if you haven’t picked up on that yet.
Mr. Reynolds (Alec Knight) – A patient at the hospital who hits on Brandy, because he’s so bored lying in a bed all day.

Lolita from Interstellar Space

I think she knows we’re only in this chemistry class to learn how to break bad!


Read more…

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Posted by Tars Tarkas -  at 7:35 am

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