Bikini Time Machine (Review)
Bikini Time Machine
Bikini Time Machine says it all, except no one is in bikinis. But there is a time machine, and a lot of people nude and having the sex while not in their proper time periods, so it all works out in the end. Unless you are a bikini purist, in which case I’ll just have to ask you to leave.
Bikini Time Machine is smart in that it approaches time travels in an interesting format. No one physically travels through time. But their brain’s biorhythmic electrical impulses are sent to the past, which temporarily manifest themselves in physical form, so you can “interact” with the past. I put interact in quotes because thanks to a quirk in the time travel method, a side effect is time travel turns you incredibly incredibly horny, thus most visits leave only the time needed to have sex before the session ends. This is very convenient for a softcore movie! The machine is called a “Memory Experience Generator” by its inventor, Professor Wells. As all the time travelers are women until the very end, it is not mentioned if men would be similarly affected (and as that could have lead to some disturbing scenes if the film didn’t end where it did, it’s probably for the best.) The other thing related to time travel is the whole adventure is monitored by Professor Wells via a video monitor. For scientific purposes, of course!
We open with time traveler Kandy hooking up with a Princess for some illicit time travel castle lesbian sex. Professor Wells is observing the whole deal, which is our first indication that this is more than just some medieval ladies getting it on. Kandy is seen hooked up with a helmet covered in fancy brain diodes and things. At the end, it’s time for Kandy to return, and her body disappears into energy and she awakens in the present. She was back in 1780, though it looked more like 1180 from the set.
Kandy wasn’t planning to become partners with the Princess, and Professor Wells explains that time traveling makes you lose all your inhibitions. AKA you become a big horndog and shag anything that moves, and probably things that don’t. They plan to resume again tomorrow (after Kandy gets some rest from all her time travel “work”), but Dean Potter shows up. He believes Professor Wells is having affairs with his students that he’s experimenting on and demands Wells come see him in his office.
Lara Clayton is the waitress/owner at the diner Lost Cafe, and is informed by a visitor that she owes $15,000 to the lease owner, J.B. Watergate. The lady who informed her, Purvis, explains that Mr. Watergate owns the property the diner is on, but not the diner. Lara was unaware as she recently inherited the place from her grandpa, and thought the place was paid off. The lease expires soon, and if she can’t pay the renewal money it will be seized. J.B. Watergate wants to put a nudie bar up where the diner is, because that’s what he does. Lara doesn’t have that kind of cash, business is slow at the moment and time is short.
Professor Wells tries to explain to Dean Potter about his time machine, Dean Potter is hearing nothing about it and dismisses Wells’ explanations as quackery. He’s fired! Immediately! No review oversight board, don’t pass Go, don’t collect $200.
Hey, the Ghostbusters were fired too, look how that turned out! We might get Bikini Marshmallow Man soon…
Professor Wells begins a rant about how “You’ll see!”, but the Dean is less than impressed about the demand for a machine that sends young girls back in time to have sex.
Lara’s waitress at the diner is Sara, and she needs to get ready for work. Lara calls to make sure she’s coming in so they can talk, and now it’s bath time. And remember, bath time is fun time in these softcore flicks. Fun for one.
J.B. Watergate and Purvis talk, Ted Newsom is chewing all the scenery as J.B. Watergate, wearing a loud tiki neon sign Hawaiian shirt and sneering a lot. He’s also getting spooked by Purvis’ constant mentionings that a lot can happen between now and the deadline even if it looks good. So Watergate calls someone for insurance.
The insurance being his son, Teddy, who is currently nude and getting a massage. He decides to have some sex with the masseuse before finding out what his dad wants.
J.B. Watergate is sending Teddy to befriend Lara to see if she can pay the lease, and sabotage all the plans. Teddy snags a bunch of money from his dad for an “expense account”.
Sara is finally out of the bath, but she’s rushed by her boyfriend Ken, who surprises her by grabbing her, then makes it up to her by having sex with her. At this rate, she’ll never get to work!
Okay, Sara’s finally at work, and Lara explains everything to Sara. Professor Wells is also in the cafe working and overhears the conversation. As a side note, he’s the only customer at the diner for the entire movie who is an actual paying customer and not someone coming in to order something and then leave.
Teddy comes in the diner and lays on the charm on Lara. He’s instantly wanting to be a financial angel silent partner…if the profit margins are enough. So she’s going to show him all her financial statements that are at her home right now. There is nothing suspicious about this at all…
Oh, and Lara and Sara are roommates, because that way we only have to rent one house for the shoot!
Professor Wells has a business proposition for Sara, and she agrees to help his mysterious science experiment after he assures her no weird monkey business and it pays.
Lara gets the records while Teddy checks in with his dad (who tells him not to fall in love with her and blow it) then seduces her after 10 seconds of looking at the records and saying it’s all cool and he’ll invest. So they seal the deal with sex. I’m not sure if that’s legally binding, but they do some other types of binding. If you catch my drift.
Professor Wells explains the risks of time travel to Sara (that she’s gonna get all stimulated upon arrival), and sends her back to 1967. Basically, she’s beamed into some hippy’s bedroom thanks to some Twilight Zone-ish music. The hippy bedroom comes complete with actual hippy dude and after he and Sara trade a whole host of 1960s slang they are free loving it on his bed.
She’s zapped back to the present after it’s done, and gets paid so she’ll have a session again tomorrow.
Teddy exposes who he really is to Lara and she’s obviously angry, but in reality all he really did was lie to her for one night and have sex with her, which is fraud providing she has any evidence. But she doesn’t, really. Plenty can still happen to save the business.
Teddy reports to his dad about Lara’s dire financial straights, but also is beginning to feel a bit guilty. A tad.
Sara bought a lottery ticket that lost, but that gives them the idea to try to use the time machine to buy a lotto ticket in the past and thus be winners. So they’ll go back in time together, Lara has the lone helmet on and is sitting on Sara’s lap. I guess it works because they are connected? But then whey doesn’t the chair also go back in time??? This is confusing.
They go back to yesterday…and must have sex before they can go buy the lottery ticket. So they do, and then they buy the ticket.
Lara uses the money to exercise an option on the lease to buy the property, thus saving the day. Then they also send Teddy back in time to when triceratops are running around!
Dun dun DUN!!!
Thankfully, the movie ends before he has sex with the triceratops. Though Bikini Time Machine did miss the boat by not having the most ridiculous ending in softcore movie history by having Teddy have sex with the triceratops. In fact, the more I think about it, the more I want this ending to have happened! This could have been the most talked about softcore movie of all time…
Bikini Time Machine is another fun low-budget softcore flick from the Fred Olen Ray family of films, which a simple real estate plot mixed in with the time travel aspect that mostly serves as a side show distraction until it factors into the plot at the very end. It’s some good screenwriting by having everything work together. If you are expecting high budget productions with multiple locations and extras, then you are barking up the wrong tree. Fans of the Retormedia/bikini pictures know what to expect, and Bikini Time Machine delivers a fun quickie with the modest budget. At a few points, it’s even funny how they work in the required number of sex scenes, the ones particularly with the random boyfriend and the masseuse seem tossed in to pump up the numbers without requiring time travel bedroom sets and costumes. Regardless of flaws, Bikini Time Machine is far better than you’d expect from a flick named Bikini Time Machine.
Rated 7/10 (helmet, reservations made by time machine, art, hippy art, art, art, helmet laws suck!)
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