Chupacabra vs. the Alamo

Chupacabra vs. the Alamo


2013
Story by Peter Sullivan and Jeffrey Schenck
Written by Peter Sullivan
Directed by Terry Ingram

Chupacabra vs the Alamo
That’s what you get for not having a basement!

Chupacabra vs. The Alamo retells the battle of the Alamo with a modern twist. And has an ending that might enrage certain people with an unhealthy Texas obsession, which gives it bonus points in my book. There is also Erik Estrada gunning down chupacabras while getting over his wife’s death and reconnecting with his distant children. But mostly chupacabras.

It’s one of the few horror films with a largely Latino-American cast. Spanish is sprinkled in in levels not unusual for a border town or a town with a lot of migrant workers. Both most of the police characters and most of the gang members are Latino, giving a wide slice of personalities.

Chupacabra vs the Alamo
Do you think Larry Wilcox could deal with these chupacabras? Please!

Chupacabra vs. The Alamo is nto afraid to address issues of modern border life, from drug smuggling to Mexican gang violence to illegal immigration to the lack of concern in government response. You can easily see some symbolism in the invading immigrant chupacabras attacking heroes holed up at the Alamo on Cinco de Mayo. But inside the heroes are mostly Latino, and they’re fighting to save their homes. The chupacabras are not illegal immigrants, but crazed gang violence, represented in the monstrous form it deserves to be regarded as. Agent Carlos’s son Tommy spent time in jail for bombing a Mexican drug lord (actually for possessing explosives because they didn’t have proof he killed the man), but it’s revealed he did it to prevent the drug lord from killing more innocent people like his gang war was doing. The mix of ethnicities shows that everyone must come together.

Instead of the classic chupacabra image from witness descriptions that loos sort of like an alien grey with claws and spikes, we get a chupacabra based on those dead “chupacabras” that make the news every few years, which are really just foxes and dogs with mange. Thus, the fierce creatures tearing everyone apart are played by tiny dogs. If you ever wondered what would happen if the cast of Beverly Hills Chihuahua went feral and started chomping necks, now you can find out! As you can imagine, it makes the attack scenes range from ridiculous to ridonkulous.

This movie loves green-screening Erik Estrada on a motorcycle! Why not have the star of CHiPs driving around on a bike for most of the film? If you can, you must! Despite the craziness of the title and premise, some of the action sequences are pretty cool. Notably, Erik Estrada running through a high school blasting chupacabras with a shotgun. The ending also takes some guts, especially since it was filmed with the cooperation of the Alamo. The film knows it’s roots and gives us some winking nods to more famous genre films. Though symptomatic of many of the problems that plague SyFy’s low-budget creature features, there is an energy and fun with Chupacabra vs. the Alamo that makes up for it. The important thing for these films is to be fun and entertaining, and Chupacabra vs. the Alamo definitely is.

Chupacabra vs the Alamo
I’ll be chupacaback!

Director Terry Ingram is a veteran of genre films and shows, such as Ice Road Terror, the SyFy Ice Truckers vs. Monsters movie, as well as some episodes of Relic Hunter and Honey I Shrunk The Kids: The TV Show. Writer Peter Sullivan took a break from writing all his The Dog Who Saved… scripts to give us this masterpiece about dogs gone bad (He also wrote Christmas Twister!)

Agent Carlos Seguín (Erik Estrada) – Famed DEA agent and struggling single father since wife died two years ago on Cinco de Mayo. Instead of being a good parent, threw himself into his work. Is said to be a descendant of Texas hero Juan Seguín, who was at the Alamo and in most of the battle, but was sent out as a courier and wasn’t killed. His nickname is Jaguar.
Sienna (Nicole Muñoz) – Carlos’s daughter who is violating curfews left and right, and thus getting grounded left and right Not going to let being grounded on Cinco de Mayo stop her from sneaking out with the boy she likes.
Tracy Taylor (Julia Benson) – A new partner for Carlos, who is at first dismissed, but she proves to be rather brilliant and becomes a valuable asset. Is one of the first to recognize the menace for what it is.
Agent Dani (Vanesa Tomasino) – DEA agent that acts as sort of an assistant to Carlos. Thus she’s helping with most of the bigger attack sequences.
Tommy/Spider (Jorge Vargas) – Carlos’s estranged son and demolitions expert. Is upset that his father let him spend time in jail to straighten him out. Still upset over his mom’s death. Now hangs with a tough crew.
Brooke (Anja Savcic) – Sienna’s best friend who just has bad luck when it comes to attacking chupacabras. Is very good at ironing.
Chupacabras (CGI and dogs Loki and Duffy) – These rabies-infected chupacabra have crossed the border to search for new victims for blood sucking. There are dozens and dozens of them. Are immensely strong despite their small size.
Medical Examiner (David Nykl) – One of the most intense medical examiners ever. Knows the killed animal brought in is not a coyote but something else.
Crockett (???) – Alamo tour guide who is a descendant of Davy Crockett. Knows the Alamo inside and out and even knows secret rumors that help the team escape. No, there is no Tubbs.
Chupacabra vs the Alamo
Your mother was a hamster and your father smelt of elderberries!

Chupacabra vs the Alamo
Classes have begun for Erik Estrada’s looking cool while on a stationary bike in front of a greenscreen seminar. Please put on your sunglasses.

Drug smugglers using an underground tunnel to get their product past the boarder get more than they bargained for when the tunnel gets used by chupacabra, which chomp up the drug runners! DEA Agent Carlos is busy grounding his curfew-violating daughter Sienna when the call comes in for investigating this massacre. Carlos hops on his hog and is away, riding that green screen as fast as it can project images behind him!

At the tunnel site, Carlos gets a new partner – Tracy Taylor – who he doesn’t bother to learn her name. They find the bodies in the tunnel ripped apart, but all the drugs and money remaining. A lone survivor claims the devil did it right before he dies. Carlos spots an animal that he shoots, then dismisses as a coyote. Taylor knows it is more than it appears and takes the body for examination.

An agent gets chupacabraed! Agent Carlos grabs his son Tommy the gangbanger as a suspect, as his son had previously went to jail for blowing up another drug dealer. Tommy has daddy issued, which have been exacerbated by the imprisonment for the explosion and since Tommy’s mom died.

Chupacabra vs the Alamo
Viva Gorditas!
Chupacabra vs the Alamo
Be vewy vewy quiet, I’m hunting chupacabras!

Michael the medical examiner (David Nykl being brilliant) acts like an extreme version of Detective Goren from Law & Order: Criminal Intent. He does tell everyone the animal is a dog relative, and has the strongest muscle mass to body weight ratio. And it has rabies, so the whole pack probably does and that’s why they’ve gone loco. Everyone thinks it’s chupacabra except Carlos.

Speaking of Carlos, his daughter Sienna is out partying with her friend Brooke and Quentin and Brooke’s unnamed boyfriend (update: Darius?!?!?! I was not expecting that!) that Brooke is heading off to have sex with on a blanket at the party in the middle of the football field in front of everyone. But before the public plowing, Darius goes to pee….and a chupacabra bites him on the junk!!!! I was not expecting this!

Chupacabras swarm the party – “We got chupacabras all up in here!” says a random dude right before he gets chomped and tossed over the high school football goal. Field goal for the chupacabras! And Carlos will never have to worry about Sienna’s boyfriend again….

Sienna and Brooke run into the high school and through several doors they lock as they hide in a science lab, but the chupacabras are right behind, drooling all the way. Carlos is alerted by a text from a mom of one of the girls at the party (what?) and heads to the school with Agent Taylor and a shotgun. No local police have bothered to come. Carlos goes all Terminator 2, roaming the halls in black leather jacket and shotgun blasting chupacabras. (Honestly, this part should have gone on longer, it would have been cooler!) Carlose saves Sienna and Brooke, while Taylor shoots a chupacabra with a GPS tracking tag.

Chupacabra vs the Alamo
Chupacabras are comin’ for YOU!
Chupacabra vs the Alamo
I can assure you, it is not what it looks like it is.

Carlos is taken off the case (we can’t have a movie about a cop who doesn’t follow the rules without him being taken off the case, even if the case is rapid chupacabras attacking the city!) while chupacabras then follow Sienna and Brooke to Carlos’s home and attack. Sienna grabs a turkey carver, carves up one chupacabra and goes all Gremlins on another, knocking it in the microwave and turning it on until it explodes. Brooke burns another one’s face with an iron (why was the iron on? So unsafe….) and this is turning into a Home Ec massacre!

“Chupa this!” – Carlos says as he comes home and starts killing the pint-sized invaders. But it’s too late for Brooke, she got chupacabraed. Sienna will remain in the hospital for the rest of the film.

At this point like 30 people have died and the city doesn’t seem to be in an insane panic or even care!

The governor calls in the national guard, but they won’t be there until tomorrow. I’m sure Governor Perry is concocting a tale about how he shot a chupacabra while out jogging as I type. Agent Carlos is more proactive than a failed presidential candidate, and goes to convince his son and his son’s gang crew to go hunt down the monsters threatening the community. He also gets a bunch of DEA agents who are “on lunch” to join in.

Chupacabra vs the Alamo
Chupacabra can’t find the girls, and can’t pass Home Ec. The worst chupacabra.
Chupacabra vs the Alamo
Why you should buckle in your pets!

The chupacabras are in an abandoned industrial building, and let’s give this movie a hand because they could have used the GPS tracker and iPad they’re using to monitor it as a motion detector to rip off Aliens, but they manage to avoid directly copying!

The chupacabras attack, there must be over a 100 of them and soon all the DEA agents who joined are dead and so are some of the gangbangers.

Chupacabras are also running loose all over the city, many are dead, though due to budget considerations we only see a fraction of the chaos.

Chupacabras are everywhere….so let’s hide in the Alamo! It’s the obvious solution. And they are filming in the actual Alamo! There are still tours going on and a jerk manager lady who gets chubacabraed, as well as the entire tour. Worst tour ever! Only the guide remains, a descendant of Davy Crockett named Crockett. He has an obsessive knowledge of the Alamo and helps the heroes pick out rooms to barricade and entrances to block.

CHUPACABRA VISION! Chupacabras see in lavender!

The first plan is to lure the chupacabras into a big room and attack them, but that plan fails when more characters end up dead and the heroes trapped in a room. So Crockett figures out where long-rumored escape tunnels are located, while Carlos and Tommy set dozens of bombs that Tommy brought with him all over the Alamo.

And then blow it up!

Take that, Alamo!

Carlos finally visits the grave of his late wife as the Alamo still burns. The remnants of history wiped away, and the future is ours to seize. As long as we keep the chupacabra population free of rabies!

Chupacabra vs the Alamo
The Alamo: We finally hosed off that wall Ozzy “watered”!
Chupacabra vs the Alamo
The OG Bowie knife!

Rated 7/10 (sticker shock, thanks for not making this a motion detector, the chief, Chihuahua!, This Monopoly piece should have never been voted off, historical hero, monumental explosion)


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Chupacabra vs the Alamo
Who you gonna call when the CHiPs are down?
Chupacabra vs the Alamo
No, mom, don’t come in, I’ll be out in a minute!
Chupacabra vs the Alamo
Just a normal day in Texas!
Chupacabra vs the Alamo
I don’t think that deck was constructed with the proper permits. Time to murder the family and drink their blood…
Chupacabra vs the Alamo
Chupacabras? Like, are you sure?
Chupacabra vs the Alamo
Most of us are going to die!
Chupacabra vs the Alamo
OMG, I just got the irony of my situation!
Chupacabra vs the Alamo
Wait a minute…this isn’a a goat! Stop sucking, everyone!
Chupacabra vs the Alamo
This chupacabra pack must have been sucking on lead paint to fall for this!

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Written by Tars Tarkas

Tars Tarkas

Runs this joint!