This Petition Can Kiss My Jurassic!

Dino Storm

Jurassic Park 4 is nothing more than a date on a Facebook page, but that hasn’t stopped the dumbest petition in Jurassic Park history from showing up on the White House site:

WE PETITION THE OBAMA ADMINISTRATION TO:
Require Jurassic Park 4 to film with practical effects and animatronic dinosaurs
America was built on determination and imagination and dreams. We innovate, we create opportunity, we inspire. But our country has fallin into a pit of darkness. Depression and acceptance, day after day after day. We have learned the truth about despair. Hope. But we cannot climb to the light on our own. Like shipwrecked men turning to seawater from uncontrollable thirst, many have died trying.

In 2014 we will be given Jurassic Park 4, and unless strict action is taken, we will see more of the same, cgi dinosaurs. We cannot let this pass, not again. We need a reminder of what genuine hard work can accomplish. We need to give our children the same gift we were given twenty years ago – what it means to be an American. We mustn’t be afraid to dream a little bigger darling

Yeesh! I don’t know what’s worse, the ignorance that there was CGI in the original Jurassic Park, the dumb “official” language the paragraphs use to sound important, or the insinuation that CGI artists are lazy. Bleh.

But then again, maybe we can get a cool response like this one!!!:

OFFICIAL WHITE HOUSE RESPONSE TO
Secure resources and funding, and begin construction of a Death Star by 2016.
This Isn’t the Petition Response You’re Looking For
By Paul Shawcross

The Administration shares your desire for job creation and a strong national defense, but a Death Star isn’t on the horizon. Here are a few reasons:
* The construction of the Death Star has been estimated to cost more than $850,000,000,000,000,000. We’re working hard to reduce the deficit, not expand it.
* The Administration does not support blowing up planets.
* Why would we spend countless taxpayer dollars on a Death Star with a fundamental flaw that can be exploited by a one-man starship?
However, look carefully (here’s how) and you’ll notice something already floating in the sky — that’s no Moon, it’s a Space Station! Yes, we already have a giant, football field-sized International Space Station in orbit around the Earth that’s helping us learn how humans can live and thrive in space for long durations. The Space Station has six astronauts — American, Russian, and Canadian — living in it right now, conducting research, learning how to live and work in space over long periods of time, routinely welcoming visiting spacecraft and repairing onboard garbage mashers, etc. We’ve also got two robot science labs — one wielding a laser — roving around Mars, looking at whether life ever existed on the Red Planet.

I do demand a Jurassic Park 4 that is the Weaponized Dinosaurs. Make it happen, Hollywood.

image via Dino Storm, an actual game you can play.

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Written by Tars Tarkas

Tars Tarkas

Runs this joint!