Jersey Shore Shark Attack

2012
Written by Michael Ciminera, Richard Gnolfo, Jeffrey Schenck, and Peter Sullivan
Directed by John Shepphird

Jersey Shore Shark Attack – The Thinking Man’s Movie!

A SyFy shark attack movie that has bite and legs. And no, not legs on the shark, that a different SyFy shark attack movie (or three). Jersey Shore Shark Attack has legs because people talk about it. Deservedly so. For Jersey Shore Shark Attack is more than just the run of the mill SyFy flick, it’s also a parody of a recognizable reality tv show brand. The Jersey Shore in the title is more than just a reference to the 1916 Jersey Shore shark attacks, it’s because all the main characters are based on real people from MTV’s Jersey Shore. We got a Snooki, a Situation, a J-WOW, and the rest of the crew that you have to think about for a minute to remember.

Not only is this a parody of Jersey Shore, they improve on the formula. The actors portraying the characters are much more real than the “real” people we see on the reality shows. They have hopes, dreams, and goals in life beyond getting drunk and laid. Mostly.

Ecco the Dolphin was a chump!

If anything, I hope Jersey Shore Shark Attack is the beginning of a new subgenre of SyFy flicks, the injecting of actors playing versions of more famous people. Who wouldn’t want to see a killer koala flick where they ravaged the Kardashians? Giant sloths very slowly menacing Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie? 19 Kids and Count Dracula? Teen Moms vs. Mothman? John and Kate Plus 8 Legged Freaks?

Jersey Shore Shark Attack works because it’s fun. It’s fun to see people play exaggerated versions of other people, it’s fun to see people chomped by giant monsters, and it’s fun in that the film has fun. The bodies pile high, people get chomped left and right off of boats. There is even a class warfare element, the villains and their real estate plot are straight out of The Goonies! The odd mishmash of everything seems like it wouldn’t work, like the gimmick would get old. But the gimmick is there for the flavor, you could insert your regular SyFy stock characters (hot babe scientist, jaded lifeguard with a scarred past, Sheriff that the mayor won’t listen to) and this would still be a passable flick. But it is elevated to greatness thanks to the Shore. The Jersey Shore.

It’s me on a typical Tuesday at 11 am!

Jersey Shore Shark Attack even stylizes itself as a fun flick, from the title cards for the main characters to all the soundtrack songs being all about partying (most songs have “party” in the lyrics somewhere, so much so that Andrew WK should probably sue…) It’s hilarious. There is even some dumb “Shore” acronyms like “ASS = alcohol sun sex” or “Backdoor Nooki”. Each scene in the film has it’s own title.

The general tone of the Jersey Shore is copied, as characters bicker among themselves. While at a dock they see a derelict boat, and then argue about which particular guy named Vinny the boat belongs to. The character BJ is constantly saying randomly ridiculous things and being seconds away from being shark bait at any moment, forever making you think they might start taking out the main cast.

This shark was obviously Wile E. Coyote in a previous life!

Beyond the reality show ripping, there’s also the class warfare element as the working class Jersey Shore folks are in a heated territorial dispute with the rich 1% preps from the yacht club, whose stepfathers are the very ones in charge of the construction projects to “modernize” the shore and are attracting the sharks. The Complication’s father is also working class, but with authority, as a police officer. The business owner/developer Dolan (played by William Atherton, well known as villain Walter Peck in Ghostbusters) oozes sleaze and entitlement, while the Mayor Patrick Palantine (Paul Sorvino, who often plays mob characters) has his fingers in all of the pies. Heck, the mayor is even named after the evil Emperor from Star Wars! The entitled class elders are clearly villains with no hope of redemption. But…and this is an amazing but…their children, the very people that our Jersey Shore crew has direct confrontation and rivalries with, become friends with the heroes in the end. Lead by the example of The Complication and his friends to risk their lives to save both Nooki and the rich children (as TC says, because it’s the right thing to do) grants them friends for life among the upper class. Together, both rich and poor blow away albino sharks to save Jersey. The passion, the good character, and the heroism of the Jersey Shore crew make them respected heroes both because of and in spite of their origins. It’s the American dream.

I’d take a Jersey Shore Red Dawn remake over the actual Red Dawn remake any day of the week.

You can even argue the sharks are ghost white because they represent the old rich white males that populate most of the upper class. Their deaths both by the working class and the children of the old rich white males is a shedding of the previous norms. Joey Fatone’s quick appearance both as a Jersey native who returns only to be devoured, because he didn’t return to improve the community, he returned because he had been devoured by the music industry and he was reduced to doing concerts in Jersey. His intentions were not pure, and he had to go. Ergo, the sanitized Jersey Shore representatives as characters are also better than their actual representatives in reality programming. Both because it’s easier to be of pure ideals when you are a fictitious character, but because the story demands that there be characters of pure heart and intention leading the charge. The Shore cannot be saved by those who care about themselves first.

Justin Timberlake actually acknowledged the rest of ‘N Sync???!?!

	The Complication / TC / Gino Moretti (Jeremy Luc) – So called because when he’s around, things get complicated. As cool as it is to have a catch phrase about your life also be your nickname, TC proves he’s far more complicated than just a juicehead Guido as he leads his crew to defend Jersey from menacing albino sharks.
	Nooki / Nicolina Angelique Santamaria (Melissa Molinaro) – TC’s on-again, off-again girl. She is a lot to handle, but isn’t a degenerate and has a good head on her shoulders, even if it is under too much hair.
	Donnie (Joey Russo) – TC’s beer hat wearing, buff bod juicehead Guido buddy. Always ready to party and drink and lift weights and rescue people from sharks.
	Paulie Balzac (Daniel Booko) – A non-Italian wannabe who respects the Guido lifestyle, particularly the aspect of saving people from sharks. Also probably a DJ.
	J-Moni (Alex Mauriello) – Nooki’s pal who comforts her during her trials with TC. Is often prominently displaying her two ample assets.
	BJ (Audi Resendez) – Nooki’s other pal who comforts her during her trials with TC. Often drunk and will randomly say ridiculous and awesome things.
	Captain Sallie (Tony Sirico) – Bar owner that everyone at the Shore loves because he’s been there forever and knows all the Shore lore. His bar features free walnuts.
	Bradford & Spencer (Grant Harvey and Dylan Vox) – Rich preps from the yacht club who have words and fists with the Shore crew.
	Dolan and Mayor Patrick Palantine (William Atherton and Paul Sorvino) – The evil developer and the evil mayor who conspire to continue the destruction of the Shore because they’re evil.
	Albino bull sharks (Albino CGI) – Albino bull sharks who cause havoc at Jersey Shore thanks to their bloodlust.

Get lost, Megalodon! No one is jumping into your mouth today.

Excuuuuse me? No you didn’t just disrespect the Nooki!

The days grow short for the Jersey Shore as we know it. Real estate developers are constructing a new resort center, which requires drilling underwater. But the drilling causes problems of its own, and I don’t mean structural problems. The vibrations cause creepy albino sharks to begin to swarm nearby, attracted by the seismic siren song. An anonymous couple becomes the first victims of albino shark chomping. Later we see a fisherguy chomped in a cool scene where he pulls a bloody head out of the water that’s totally not a dummy head.

We’re introduced to the Jersey Shore crew with The Complication awakening next to a strange woman while his on-again, off-again love partner Nookie angrily bangs on the door. It’s a crash course introduction to our characters as The Complication scrambles to get the mystery girl out before Nooki can spy her. Nooki angrily leaves, leaving TC to chat with fellow Jersey dudes Donnie and Paulie Balzac. The trio head to Captain Sallie’s bar, where a wet t-shirt contest is about to happen. For some reason Nooki is also at the same bar with her friends J-Moni and BJ.

The noise from the wet t-shirt contest upsets the yacht club preps next door. It’s class warfare on the beach as the 1% arrives with their multiple popped polo collars and entitled attitudes. Things get ugly as the class warfare turns into a brawl and running fist fight. TC’s dad the cop yells at TC for starting trouble, while a bar denizen named JP hides in the water from Bradford and Spencer the preps and gets shark chomped.

Thanks to focus groups, we get Gangsta Teenage Popeye!

This is why you don’t buy razors at the dollar store!

Walter Peck! I knew the evil developers were evil! He’s the guy forcing the construction crew to work faster because his boss has a shareholders deadline. More drilling = more sharks!

JP is too good of a swimmer to drown (or drown-ded as the cast says) so TC knows something’s up. Something deadly. Something got him. Only the Shore Crew can save the day. The plan is to …. blow up the sharks with illegal fireworks!?!?!? Where did they get this plan, Bugs Bunny reruns? Oddly enough, they manage to blow up one shark. But attempts to do more end up in blowing up Bradford’s yacht, and TC’s dad trying to convince his father Dolan not to press charges.

Joey Fatone is here! Joey Fatone is ate! Oh no, this is a horrible loss to the world of music!

Look, we got more Sopranos cast members than you can shake a shark at over here!

Hey, Bro, I move Bro to Bro 4. Bro-mate!

Next up is that scene in every Jaws type movie where they hold up a dead shark (or whatever is attacking) and declare the menace over, even though it’s the wrong shark or there are hundreds more. But I never thought I’d see a version of this scene with a guy who threatened to sue TarsTarkas.NET in it!

A bajillion sharks are now inbound thanks to an electrified and chomped construction crew that leaves the drill on at top speed, attracting every shark ever.

Nooki is so upset at TC still that Bradford can lure her to his step-dad’s yacht, which is set to party off shore just in the prime location to get shark swarmed.

We hate tans, that’s why we attack the Jersey Shore!

This would have been 10 times better if he was playing The Situation’s exercise tape!

Sharks invade, the Jersey Shore crew saves some babes at the beach and then must spring into action to save Nooki before sharks bite off more of her name and it gets even more ridiculous! Luckily, Captain Sallie has the harpoon that killed the original attacking shark in 1916 hanging on the wall of his bar, so that gets brought along as well.

Nookie plays whack-a-mole with the sharks as the attack the yacht, then somehow manages to get her feet caught in the floorboards of the boat as it sinks. Yes, this is waaaay more unbelievable than albino sharks attacking or the cast of Jersey Shore saving people. As a shark bursts into the room to eat her, The Complication rushes in and stabs it in the eye! They even save Bradford and the other rich kids, because “that’s the difference between us and them!”

Between us we have hair and tans for 37 people!

It’s like Clerks except Dante should show up and not supposed to be there today just before a shark attacks.

Sharks are attacking the boardwalk! Everyone run! The corrupt mayor and Dolan both get squashed by a Ferris wheel (to the sounds of the Wilhelm scream!)

The Jersey crew and their new rich friends return and everyone just shoots sharks left and right. The Complication saves his dad with a quick harpoon to the eye of that shark, and then he shuts off the drill and the remaining sharks leave to go back to their home.

Whoa! Check out the cleavage on that shark!

The sequel to Independence Day suffered from massive budget cuts!

Jersey Shore Shark Attack is a fun ride with a fun premise, and wears its SyFy origins proudly. 2012 has been the best year in a long time for good SyFy films. Jersey Shore Shark Attack is also one of the last films featuring the New Jersey Boardwalk before it was ravaged by Hurricane Sandy, destroying some of the things the sharks destroy in this film and in essence giving a win to rich developers who wanted to rezone the Shore. While we can’t just sit around hoping a Ferris wheel will take out these real developers, stranger things have happened. I wish the Jersey Shore a speedy recovery!