The Teenie Weenie Bikini Squad

2012
Written by Dean McKendrick
Directed by Fred Olen Ray (as Nicholas Medina)

Did I leave the Bikini Frankenstein machine on?

Whenever there is trouble, and it is double (double-Ds, that is!), the Teenie Weenie Bikini Squad will be there! Three girls solve cases and bust bad guys while wearing outfits that will make you blush…if they bother to wear outfits, that is! Charlie may have his angels, but those films were terrible and let’s not even talk about the reboot series. The Teenie Weenie Bikini Squad does more than just be a Charlie’s Angels knockoff with a title borrowed from a hit novelty song, it’s also a commentary on the decline of the Playboy enterprise.

The Tony Tefler character and the Playpen magazine and empire are clearly based on Hugh Hefner and Playboy (duh!), and they lampoon both Hef’s old age and his dalliances with a series of younger women (seen most famously on The Girls Next Door show, but also pretty famous without the show.) In the beginning, Hefner arose from his magazine creation beginnings to become a free speech advocate, largely due to photographing naked women being considered obscene in many parts of the US back in the furious 50s. Playboy grew into a classy and hip thing that world-minded trendy people read while listening to jazz and hosting serious parties where the civil rights movement and women’s lib were discussed by people in berets. At least that is how I imagine the 60s and 70s, though there was probably awesome music and piles of drugs. Playboy even had their own TV show.

YOU vaccum the living room!

But the rise of the moral majority, Reagan’s America, the resurgance of conservatism, it threw that hip stuff out the window. In addition, there was also the rise of pornography, in the 70s porn films were playing in mainstream art house theaters. Things came crashing down, the rise of the video culture and late night cable took some of the wind out of the sails. Playboy became replaced by men’s mags such as Maxim and their copycats in the 90s, while at the same time they were losing out online as porn became freely available with but a click and a lie about being over 18. Playboy lost the innovation it had, it’s place as the figurehead for a movement eclipsed.

Is there a place for classy pictures in the age of internet pornography? I’m sure there is, but by not getting ahead of the game, Playboy is fighting an uphill battle. The reality show boosted their stock more than anything recently, but that ended like all good things must. And with it, Playboy’s current cultural impact. It remains to be seen what the future of Playboy will hold, especially as Hefner clocks up there in years and will eventually clock out. Playboy always hold a fond memory for millions of pervs around the world. I remember even buying an issue of Playboy for the article, an interview with Jesse Ventura right after he was elected governor.

On the guy’s shirt?  Elvis!

The Teenie Weenie Bikini Squad hits all of the notes that critics of the Playboy brand have been hinting at. From the producer who wants to make more harder stuff, to the legions of ex-girlfriends of Hefner, to even Hef’s viagra usage, the points are all laid out. Fear not, as the film is not overly preachy, the Hefner character is even the victim, despite being portrayed in an unsympathetic light. If anything, that makes The Teenie Weenie Bikini Squad more realistic than many episodes of Law & Order.

The Teenie Weenie Bikini Squad is another Synthetic Filmwerx joint! Werx it if you got it.

Occupy Teenie Weenie Bikini Street!

Sandy Banner (Brandin Rackley) – The main investigator of The Teenie Weenie Bikini Squad, Sandy will always get her man in the end, even if it means he gets her in the end first! Jasmine St. James (Michelle Maylene) – The youngest member of the squad who is an expert at under cover and being under the covers. Becomes strangely excited about her undercover model career. Nikki Resnick (Kylee Nash) – The Teenie Weenie Bikini Squad member most likely to believe Weekly World News headlines. Yeah, I made a reference to a dead publication in a review of a movie that mocks another dying publication. It’s called “being awesome”! Benny (Mike Gaglio) – The boss of the Teenie Weenie Bikini Squad, and a real slave driver. Benny needs to learn that there is a time for work and a time for vacation. Tef (Ted Newsom) – Tony “Tef” Tefler, owner of Playpen magazine and noted scumbag. But he’s a scumbag with money and bad things are happening against him, so he’s the client. Cue “The Client” appearing below his picture ala Burn Notice. I have said it before, and will say it again: Ted Newsom rules. Laura (Kelli McCarty) – Tef’s top photographer, former Playpen girl, and former flame. She both despises her former lover and wishes she had his attention again. Mo (Beverly Lynne) – All the best bartenders are named Mo(e). Another former Tef flame and Playpen girl who now works in an out of the way part of his empire, and is unacknowledged to her resentment. Frank Devlin (Evan Stone) – The jerk who manages the Playpen Club. He’s desperate to escape his contract with Tef to start his own hardcore company, but he’s stuck tight. Unless Playpen goes under… Rico Martinez (Tony Marino) – Oh. That guy. Burt (Nick Manning) – Frank’s goon who does his breaking and entering work. Also does entering work for explicit videos. High five, that was a joke worthy of an ALF rerun! Dancer (Jade Starr) – Are we human, or are we dancer?

This Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire remake is weird!

Under that bikini?  Another bikini!

Rich jerk Rico has some diamonds of the hot variety, but he doesn’t count on the fact his mansion is infiltrated by the Teenie Weenie Bikini Squad! Both his hot bikini babe girlfriend Sandy and his sexy French maid costumed cleaning lady Jasmine are working to try to find the stolen diamond necklace that Rico has stashed away, before he sells the evidence off.

Sandy helps keep Rico occupied on “calming down” in the pool while Jasmine searches for the necklace. I’m not sure what they are doing would be described as calming down by any medical professional I know. And I know almost one. The girls find the necklace and Rico is busted! It’s jail for you, sucka!

Third squad member Nikki pops up to join in on the busting of Rico. She was just hiding in the bushes the whole time this past month! The girls let everyone, including the audience, know that “We’re the Teenie Weenie Bikini Squad!”

In Color. Tonight’s episode: Tinker Tailor Soldier Bikini. Teenie Weenie Bikini Die. One Fish, Two Fish, Dead Fish, Bikini Fish. Murder with a Capital Bikini.

AKA Benny’s Mom’s house…

Those drinks came right out of the oven!  You should be using oven mitts…

The Teenie Weenie Bikini Squad meets with their boss, Benny, to self-congratulate over solving the Rico case very suavely. And oh, hey, here’s a new assignment, sorry about your vacation wishes. No time to relax. Maybe the Teenie Weenie Bikini Squad should look into organizing a union so they can guarantee some time off…

Someone is offing Playpen girls. Yes, Playpen girls, as the thinly disguised reference to Playboy is called in this film. The Playpen empire is run by Tony Tefler, who people just call Tef. Needless to say, we can’t have girls getting murdered, even if the deaths are all “accidents”, especially when Tef is about to announce the Playpen Girl of the Century soon. Whoever has it in for the Playpen brand is sure to strike at the announcement, ruining everything.

So it’s time to go undercover. Deep undercover. Jasmine will be a potential Playpen model, Nikki will be a waitress at the Playpen Club bar, and Sandy will pose as a businesswoman looking to invest in the Playpen Media Empire.

During Jasmine’s photoshoot with photographer Laura, Laura reveals that she was also a former Playpen girl and even dated Tef three years ago…until she became yesterday’s news and was dumped for next month’s model. To help make the bitter Laura feel better, Jasmine seduces her, lesbian model seducing her photographer style. It also helps keep a potential bitter suspect off guard. This seduction of female photographers by their female models is a widespread phenomenon. Every time you see a chick with a camera, like five other chicks are putting the moves on her.

Trivia:  The Teenie Weenie Bikini Squad is a sequel to the Gargoyles tv series, set after all the gargoyles are turned back into stone.

McKayla Maroney is not impressed

At the Playpen Club, Jade Starr is dancing and stripping away. I’ve seen enough of these films I recognize some of the extras (who are probably crew members.) Mo the bartender shows Nikki the ropes, but Nikki spills the ropes – and by ropes, I mean drinks, all over a guy’s shirt. Nikki rushes to clean it up while the guy is mesmerized by her giant cans. Frank comes over to yell at her and to be a jerk, but Mo points out how the customer isn’t complaining, and the customer agrees that he gives no fucks about beer being spilled all over him by the giant breasted Nikki.

Sandy businesswoman comes in to meet the manager, which is Frank, hence one reason why he’s a jerk. Frank and Sandy talk, and Frank says he is trapped in a contract that doesn’t pay him enough for his talents and keeps him from being free to do his own thing. Franks says he wants to start his own video production company, but more explicit than Tef’s old school classy charm. Frank gives Sandy a live demonstration of the explicit scenes, if you catch my drift.

Mo and Nikki have girl talk, and Mo reveals she’s another bitter former Playpen Girl of the Year who used to date Tef before she was dumped by the next model. As is true to form, Nikki makes her feel better by seducing her. I’m sensing a theme here…

How I envision recording YouTube videos

What happens when I record YouTube videos

A bonus Elvis picture in the background makes the King now a softcore star!

The Teenie Weenie Bikini girls argue about which former centerfold is bitter enough to be causing the accidents that’s killing the Playpen Girls, but neither girl was at both accidents. In fact, the only person at both accidents was Frank. Like all meetings where suspects and cases are discussed, the girls are half-naked.

Nikki keeps theorizing about evil twins…

The plan is to investigate Frank closer. But first, the girls have a sitdown meeting with Tef about Frank. Tef is very self-centered, to the point where the You’re So Vain song is probably about him.

It’s cool to see two women lifting weights in such close proximity!

We have no clue who killed that Charlie guy…

Frank grows increasingly desperate to break free of his contract, while Franks’ goon Burt snoops in Jasmine’s room and finds her PI badge. Burt agrees not to tell in exchange for sex…..you might think this is uncomfortable, but it turns out this is all a sex scene being filmed by Frank and Photographer Laura! A total fake out! I will admit that I was fooled and thought this was part of the actual plot.

An accident on the set has a very flimsy light almost fall on Jasmine. She could have been slightly bruised! I mean, killed!

Actually, this lame accident made me think that the only thing killing models was a slight breeze…

Mo and Laura have a catty discussion that turns to mocking Tef and the Playpen Empire to a full on makeout and lesbian sex session as they discuss planning payback against Tef, that jerk they hate and both love at the same time.

It’s the night of the big Playpen Girl of the Century party. Jasmine will guard Tef as Sandy and Nikki keep Frank busy….keep him busy with a three-way! The :dun dun dun: keyboard song plays, the best song.

It’s time for the presentation….Playpen’s Girl of the Century is…Jasmine St. James!

Mo and Laura both freak and both pull guns! This isn’t how you ask for a recount, ladies! Unless we’re in Florida…

Both of the spurned lovers want to waste Tef and demand to know why he is sleeping with Jasmine. Both Jasmine and Tef deny there was any hanky-panky, Jasmine visibly disgusted at the thought. Tef is forced to admit that he can’t have sex any more.

How dare this review not feature enough shots of chicks pointing guns!

I concur on the outrage of the lack of women pointing guns!

Mo and Laura are arrested by Sandy and Nikki, who I guess finished up the threeway when we weren’t looking (and Frank is tied up for good measure!)

We’re told that Frank admitted he was behind the accidents, but Mo and Laura are just disgruntled employees and ex-lovers. Though that probably means they’ll just get probation if anything for pulling a gun on someone.

The RetroMedia Times let’s us all know that Tef’s Playpen Empire went bankrupt! Play sad trombone music here.

The girls are all excited that they can finally go on vacation…but there’s another case! Nude skydiving! The girls revolt, it’s vacation time! Take a break, sisters, you earned it.

The Teenie Weenie Bikini Squad will be back next week in She Died With a Bikini in Her Hand. Bikini Bedlam. Somebody’s Out to Get Bikini. Fifth Bikini in a String Quartet. Night of the Bikini.

And now my viagra finally kicks in!

That’s what you get, City Councilman Richard Alarcon!

Rated 8/10 (Soooooo Synthetic…., It’s my hobby in movie form, I got it at Ross, Also this was at Ross, we need more of this guy!, Hugo Weaving!, It’s Lampy the killer lamp!, Pitbull!)

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She knows we’re all evil twins. Every last one of us…