Baby Dolls Behind Bars
Actual police uniform!
Once again we step into the wonderful world of films from late night Cinemax! And once again, it’s a Fred Olen Ray joint! Yes, Baby Dolls Behind Bars is more 2am camp for your viewing pleasure. Even though the company name on the door is now Synthetic Filmwerx LLC as opposed to Retromedia or American Independent Productions, the cast is the same gang and the locations and music are all familiar elements. These erotic parody Bikini flicks are the ultimate rep theater, reusing plots and actors to come up with interesting scenarios and B-movie inspired plotlines at a rapid pace that would kill many big money Hollywood production companies. It’s modern day movie magic, even studios like The Asylum or some of the SyFy Channel companies don’t reuse sets and actors so efficiently, nor are they as creative.
Of course, since these flicks feature people bumping uglies as their main attraction, they aren’t going to get all the high praise from the critics. But we here at TarsTarkas.NET will high praise whoever we damn well please! You can take your Tomato-meter and toss it out a window! Because the point of these films is to have a good entertaining time while also providing naked people engaging in recreational activities that involve nakedness, the added imagination and fun are a welcome addition and the reason it is so much fun to watch each installment.
And Catwoman fan fiction has hit the big time!
This time we jump into the world of Women in Prison flicks. Remember, this is a Bikini flick, so don’t expect one of them dirty, gritty women in prison flicks. This is a bubblegum camp women in prison flick style similar to Bikini Chain Gang. It’s still low budget. In fact, outside of the main actors, there are no extras at all, not even other prisoners or even guards at the prison! Must be minimum security. All the familiar elements that make these films so charming are there, including a plot that I expect Law & Order: SVU to rip off next season!
We have an entire collection of Fred Olen Ray Bikini flick goodies for you to also check out: Bewitched Housewives, Super Ninja Doll, Bikini Girls from the Lost Planet, Girl with the Sex-Ray Eyes, Tarzeena: Jiggle in the Jungle, Ghost in a Teeny Bikini, Voodoo Dollz: Lust Potion #9, Bikini Airways, Bikini Royale, Bikini Frankenstein, Twilight Vamps Lust At First Bite, Bikini Jones and the Temple of Eros, Bikini Chain Gang, Bikini Pirates, and Dirty Blondes From Beyond. They feature the entire gauntlet of B-film scenarios and wacky goofiness, which means an actual plot to go along with the softcore shenanigans.
I’m just so….evil! I love it!
But enough about other films, it’s time to check out these Baby Dolls Behind Bars!
I’m no expert, but I think they should be wearing flip-flops in that communal shower…
Alas, poor Yorick…
It’s nighttime at the Museum Artifact Storage Center (read the box labels for bonus lols! Bin Laden’s Porn, Retromedia Artifacts, etc) and a song very similar to the Pink Panther theme plays as the famous cat burglar Maggie Grey attempts to burgal the Goddess of Phucket (one of those Buddha heads from Ross!) But Maggie is caught by a sexy security guard. A sexy security guard who can pronounce “Phucket” correctly. They come to an arrangement…a sex arrangement…which means they rearrange their body parts so they’re engaging in intercourse of the sexual kind. It also causes a rearrangement of boxes as they’re shoved aside in the heat of the moment.
I think this guard went to the same Security Guard school as the easily seduced guard from Bikini Jones! Probably the same security guard school from Armed and Dangerous, updated for the new millennium. I hope the cowboy guy with the semi-truck returns…
The best part of the sex scene is when Maggie steals some jewelry while having sex. The security guard captures Maggie anyway!
One Year Later…
Oh, dear, the Bikini flicks have gone all Battlestar Galactica on us!
You’re under arrest…bachelor party arrest!
I object, they aren’t behind bars!
Now we’re at a police station. Officer Sissy Dunlop is so honest and ditzy, Inspector Hartford thinks she’d be a good choice to go undercover in prison to get to know Maggie Grey and find out how the art thefts she’s responsible for are continuing to happen while she’s locked up in prison! Only Sissy, Inspector Hartford, and Judge Bean will know she’s undercover.
Of course, first they have to rig up some fake charges to get Sissy sent to jail for. So they go the subtle route and say she stole the Hope Diamond! Forget a trial sequence, the entire trial takes place inside Judge Bean’s quarters. Sissy’s attorney Jack Randolph is there, and the whole thing is stenoed by court reporter Baker. Sissy is sentenced to 20 years despite the best efforts of her defense attorney.
Sissy is deposited at the prison run by Matron Grell, who promises to initiate Sissy asap. By introducing her to her fellow jewel thief Maggie Grey. In the shower.
Wow, the prison showers sure are nice, sort of like those huge showers from nice homes we always see in these flicks…
Sentenced to 90 days for wearing horizontal stripes!
All right, let’s get this shower scene started STAT!
Sissy is told to join Maggie in the shower, and soon the two are becoming partners in something other than crime, if you know what I mean. Soon Matron Grell joins in as well for a triple lather special! Jazy Berlin is way way way taller than the other two girls.
Sissy’s defense attorney Jack visits and he has a whole bunch of evidence for appeals despite her protestations that she doesn’t want appeals and she’s guilty. He admits he’s obsessed over her to the point where all his other clients are getting executed due to his lack of interest. This, combined with the fact she’ll be locked up for who knows how long before she can see another man, melts her heart enough they have some jail cell sex.
Matron Grell and Maggie scheme together to figure out how to best use Sissy as part of their theft plots. But before any of that can happen, they need to get rid of her defense lawyer Jack before he ruins everything.
In his chambers, Judge Bean and Miss Baker make smalltalk and she reveals her boyfriend just cheated on then dumped her. So it’s revenge time…sex revenge! Remember, revenge is a dish that’s best served hot and sweaty.
But the sex is so hot that Judge Bean has a heart attack and dies!
What do you mean I have to go to prison to be in this prison film???
That is enough to get Jack reassigned so he can’t see Sissy any more, and Maggie and Matron Grell prepare Sissy for initiation into their group. Which involves her having sex with Maggie in the back of a prison van as Matron Grell drives to the heist location.
They head to the classic Jungle Jack set we see in so many of these flicks. But instead of having Sissy join up into their club, they’re going to frame her for all the thefts! And the theft of the Star of Shish Kabob, a necklace Maggie pulls out. All this framing talk gets Matron Grell and Maggie so hot they have sex right then and there as Sissy watches in disbelief that they’re getting it on to the dun dun dun song right in front of her!
Sissy finds out Inspector Hartford is also in on the thefts, and learns from the RetroMedia Times Paper that Judge Bean is dead! No one not crooked or dead knows she’s a cop now, so she’s screwed! And arrested!
Good ol’ Jack is still running around trying to get things straightened out, getting reassigned to the case by contacting Sissy’s poor mountain family and having them hire him. He and Sissy come up with a plan to get evidence to free her.
Which baby doll behind bars is lip-licking good? All of ’em!
Good thing we got a good parking spot, this set is very busy from all its appearances in these flims…
This means Jack and Matron Grell get it on! Good thing they live in a Bikini softcore fantasy world and plots like this are easy to pull off! Jack’s good enough that Matron Grell instantly spills her guts as they plan to live together forever in rich retirement. But that plan goes up in smokes when he reveals he recorded her whole confession! Pseudo-Dragnet theme!!!
Everyone is arrested, and the not-dead Judge Bean reveals it was all a trick to find out who the dirty cop was!
The baddies are all going to go to jail, and Sissy’s going to go free. So all the couples start making out! which is bad news for Inspector Hartford, as he’s all alone and handcuffed to one of the soon to be getting it on pairs!
I’m crushing your head! It’s crushed. Smashed. Squashed, even!
The staring contest has begun! You lost to Sissy already..
Hmmm…the credits also list Eric Masterson as Dougl, which looks like a typo as he isn’t in the film and Dougl isn’t a real name! Or is it…
That’s not the gavel she truly mourns…
Damn, Judge Bean’s death made my Facebook stock worthless!!
Some good fun, Baby Dolls Behind Bars gets around it’s lack of money for extras and new sets with more creativity. Jazy Berlin is charming, and Christine Nguyen is chewing on what little scenery they have. She’s enjoying being evil more than anyone ever! And it’s good to see Mike Gaglio with a large role.
Rated 8/10 (rocket ship, so that’s where it went, the plant!, the necklace!, the badge, unmarked white vans are the best white vans, here is another wall decoration because I ran out of things to use for the ratings, Best use of a hand held recording device to save the day since Dirty Work!)
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The Story of English…
The Story of English!!!