Dirty Blondes From Beyond


Dirty Blondes From Beyond


2012
Written by Dean McKendrick
Directed by Fred Olen Ray (as Nicholas Medina)

How to sum Dirty Blondes From Beyond up in one picture

With a lot more special effects than I thought they’d bring, Dirty Blondes from Beyond rockets the Bikini films closer to epic space opera status while still providing plenty of softcore situations. 2012 is also a banner year for the bikini flicks because some of the old school crew has returned, Evan Stone and Voodoo! And there is plenty of new talent on display, plenty of goofy, scifi, sexy adventures, and plenty of heavy breathing.

Bikinistar Galactica!

Dirty Blondes from Beyond follows the tradition of taking a genre film plot and turning it into a softcore erotic parody. Featuring two alien girls on the run, they wind up on planet Earth, where strange creatures called tripods exist. As there are no men on their planet, you can guess what the tripods they constantly refer to are. There are several other jokes that are pretty good, including secret government agents named Smith and Jones (along with their own name running gag!) There is no connection to Dirty Blondes or Dirty Blondes 2 despite the similar name (because this is a completely different production company!), so any hope of seeing that franchise in space is dashed. Not that we need more installments of those borefests. Dirty Blondes From Beyond does a great job of blowing them out of the water.

Who set up this candelabra so it would drip wax all over the shelf??

As usual, let’s get this Cinemax Skinemax event bagged and tagged! On with the Roll Call…

Stand by for our rap song about Dirty Blondes From Beyond!

Princess Farra (Brandin Rackley) – The good Princess of Byfrexia, whose planet is invaded in a diabolical plot to turn the Princess into a sex slave. She flees in order to save her people.
Empress Krell (Christine Nguyen) - Empress of the Vulvians, who orchestrates the mysterious storms on and subsequent invasion of Byfrexia just to get a hold of the Princess for her own pleasures. Is very spoiled, and refuses to take no for an answer.
Vema (Jazy Berlin) – Loyal bodyguard of the Princess, who manufactures her escape and gets her to Earth. Also protects the Princess from the native tripods, at least until the Princess decides she wants to do her own inspection.
Commander Tharis (Erika Jordan) - Loyal servant of Empress Krell, and her lover. Is jealous of the attention and obsession the Empress has for the Princess, but will follow her orders. Has a pet haliganon.
Agent Jones (Jenna Presley) – Government agent sent to investigate the UFO report. Is partnered with Agent Smith. A no nonsense type of woman, unless she’s affected by sexy radiation!
Agent Smith (Voodoo as Alex Boisvert) – Government Agent sent to investigate the UFO report. Has the hots for his partner, Agent Jones. Believes drunk rednecks more than he should, but ends up being proved right. Voodoo is back and now going as Alex Boisvert instead of Alexandre. Sadly, this is the first time I’ve seen him in one of these films in years and he’s acting all stiff. Though that’s due to his character here, I bet he’s 100% back in the other films shot at the same time.
Jock (Evan Stone) – Evan Stone returns as well, doing a redneck character who lives in the middle of nowhere that the two spacegirls land at. He teaches them all about being a tripod, but is often immobilized by the girls.
Will (Eric Masterson) – A UFO nut who gets involved in the mess. With his skills, he should be hired by Agent Smith and Jones’ boss immediately.
Mark Grabowsky (Michael Gaglio) – The lovable drunk guy that is the witness to the UFO. His perpetually broken car is named Bessie.
The iconic visual poetry of Dirty Blondes From Beyond!

The Emerald City 2099 A.D.

The planet Byfrexia is wracked with destructive storms, so Princess Farra wants to sign a treaty with Vulvian Empress Krella to get weather technology to stop the storms. Princess Farra and her attendent Vema discuss the opening plot so the audience can know what’s going on. This also results in them getting it on, princess and bodyguard style!

Empress Krella arrives, and has her fleet invade Byfrexia! It was all a trap! We get shots of an actual fleet battle! Holy smokes, they really set up some space fighting shots here!

Bring It On 5: Space It On!
In space everyone has dramatic lighting!

Vema takes the Princess to an escape fighter and we have a rather long sequence of the escape fighter manuvering and dodging its way through the Vulvian blockade while being pursued by fighters, which crash due to Vema’s expert pilot skills. There is even a chase through an asteroid field! I can’t believe they threw all these effects in. They head to uncharted space to escape.

Space battles!!!
[FLOWPLAYER=http://tarstarkas.net/movies/dirty-blondes-from-beyond_clip1.flv,512,313]
Empress Krella is incensed, she wanted Princess Farra captured so she could have her in the sex slave way. Krella is spoiled beyond belief, yelling at her aide, Commander Tharis. Tharis harbors feelings for her boss, who is too spoiled to care. They prepare to give chase, Krella not wanting to give up her prize.

The Princess’s ship malfunctions near Earth, so they make an emergency landing there. This gets them spotted by local drunk Mark (who calls the cops), and detected by UFO chaser Will’s equipment. The Byfrexians need a new Fromitz, and hope to find one on Earth.

These new Wii remotes suck!
The Mushroom Kingdom in Space!

Government Men in Black-ish agents show up to where Mark is, Agents Smith and Jones. Jones is unconvinced that Mark saw anything beyond the bottom of a bottle, but Smith manages to convince her to look around with him (he also has the hots for her, but she doesn’t recipricate)

Princess Farra and Vema reach a house, where Jock stomps out with a shotgun. They immediately blast him with a freeze ray so they can take time to study the strange, unknown creature, for men do not exist on Byfrexia (though Disembaudio from RiffTrax might be in charge of their fleet…)

Those pursuers can kiss our asteroids!
We’ve got Game of Thrones spoilers incoming!

Waking up Jock and demanding information, the Princess sends Vema off on a perimeter check so she can check the man for third legs. And she does find a third leg. And it kicks.

Empress sends down Tharis to capture the Princess. She arrives at the landed craft just before Will does, and he starts bumbling around until she confronts him. Tharis demands to know where the Princess is, and he manages to convince her to have sex with him first. Which she instantly does, leaping onto him at the speed of light.

This scene is funny because she’ll randomly threaten him during the sex. The world needs more sex scenes where the guy is threatened with a laser.

Yeah, Bizarro Earth!
This car needs MORE American flags on the dashboard! MORE!
Parked right next to the cloaked Klingon Bird-of-Prey

After that is all said and done, Will uses one of his radiation detection devices to track where the Princess went. Princess Farra and Vema then finally remember to cloak the ship, just in time for the agents to miss the ship.

Tharis called back to the ship to report to, get yelled at by, and then services the Empress. If you know what service means…

The agents stop by Jock’s place to interrogate everyone, which results in Agent Smith and the Princess having sex in a car while Agent Jones and Jock and Vema having sex in the house due to “radiation” affecting their mood.

Why is my college dorm room in this movie??
What have these aliens done to Earth’s continents??? I was right about Bizarro Earth!
Your 2nd Amendment rights are trumped by my Space 2nd Amendment rights!

Tharis arrives during the aftermath of the sexcapades and a gunfight breaks out. Tharis is frozen by laser blast, and her heart is stomped on moments before when she’s taunted that if the Empress gets the Princess she won’t need Tharis any more. They alter her mind and send her back to the Empress, to report the Princess dead and Earth’s atmosphere poison. So the Empress heads back to her empire, dejected, though Tharis is happy because she’s still number 1.

On Earth, the Princess has found her Fromitz…which is a vibrator. Which is what we thought since this whole thing began! It’s time to go, everyone gonna see them off, but.. The alien girls freeze everyone when Will starts talking about keeping them to study! Will, you dolt!

The aliens head home and the freeze ray wears off.

What do you mean I should get bigger gloves?
He’s some hot space porn for all of you!
YES! Diablo III is out!

We conclude with Agents Smith and Jones get it on, MIB style! Let’s see MIB 3 do that!

The Byfrexians admit that the radiation does nothing, so the people of Earth must be very very horny. They should have known, because Earth produces films like Dirty Blondes From Beyond!

When Avengers role playing goes bad…
And now, Keeping up With the Byfrexians!

I thought this was a pretty solid entry. To be honest, a few of the films from last year’s batch weren’t up to snuff, in my opinion. But Dirty Blondes From Beyond proved the series is back on track and can still produce entertaining winners that also delivers the content late night Cinemax viewers desire.

Which character just found out they cancelled Dog the Bounty Hunter?

Rated 9/10 (Crop Spirographs, wall art, logo art, when journalism used actual facts, shelf art, light speed is too slow, Bessy, beam me up Scotty, Simba makes a guest appearance!)


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Written by Tars Tarkas

Tars Tarkas

Runs this joint!

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