Corporate Fantasy

1999
Directed by Charles Randazzo
Written by Catalina Larranaga and Garrett Clancy

Mystique films brings us some office-based romance with Corporate Fantasy. You know a softcore is more high class because pseudo-popish songs playing during the action scenes as opposed to light jazz. The film should be sexy, but parts of it are dry and parts crammed in. Catalina Larranaga wrote the film with Garrett Clancy, I get the feeling she wrote the main story and he “punched it up” with the models and other additional sex scenes. Which is fine, you gotta sell the film somehow, and the story is still intact.

The styles of the film date it as a 1990s film, even if it comes at the tail end of the 1990s. Office attire for women is so period specific that you can’t get around it. Thus, right now the film looks older than it is because of the fashion, but in 10 years the film will look less old because some of those fashions/hair styles will be back in style. And kids who weren’t just hitting the offices in the late 90’s won’t even be familiar enough with the fashions to recognize it as dated, so it will blow right past them. Those of use who grew up in the era and witnessed models wearing the same clothes with the same hairstyles don’t see the fashion as a big deal at all, and the glamorous fashion helps Corporate Fantasy look like a much more expensive film than it probably is.

	Daisy Dawson (Tracy Ryan as Tracy Smith) – Daisy is the young new attractive employee at the advertising agency that becomes the target of everyone with a Y chromosome. Daisy is shocked, shocked that this could happen, especially after the disaster that was her last relationship. Can things come up roses for Daisy? Or come up daisies? But not pushing up daisies, because that means people die. This is Corporate Fantasy, not Corporate Massacre! Tracy Ryan was active in both soft and hardcore films (her hardcore aliases include Avalon) and had a whole pack of names she went by.
	Gloria (Catalina Martone as Catalina Larranaga) – Gloria is the older, more experience, more bad of the three girls, but not so bad she’s evil, she just has sex with married dudes while at the office. But she’s a hard worker and cares about her friends. Catalina Martone is familiar to anyone who saw her dozens of softcore films from the 90s and 00s. And she helped write this one.
	Tammy (Susan Featherly) – She’s southern. Did you know she’s from the south? Because her southern accent just shelled Ft. Sumter. Susan Featherly was a softcore actress active in the late 90s-early 00s, appearing in films such as Andromina: The Pleasure Planet, The Awakening of Gabriella, and Virtual Girl 2: Virtual Vegas.
	Orlando (Jarod Carey) – The sort of nice guy at the office who occasionally gets caught up in the filthy shenanigans of his fellow male coworkers.
	Blake Tyler (John Gallucci) – The sleazy manager of the agency and chief promoter of the sleazy guy behavior and office theft. John Gallucci is a pretty good actor, I’m surprised he’s hardly in anything.
	Kevin (Karl Preston) – Kevin is the blond guy who is married, but that doesn’t stop him from doing Gloria. He also rips off his workplace and commits sexual harassment.
	David (Brian Nowak) – Loyal mailclerk and secret CEO. Shhhh! Don’t tell anyone he’s really the CEO. Even though it’s a bit obvious…

Feisty Gloria decides she just doesn’t want to wear underwear today, so off go the panties! But she just put them on five seconds ago! I must protest this inefficient action. Daisy and Gloria are good to go, but Tammy is too busy digging for her own clam. Gloria does a good job listening at the door.

They end up late, but even though Daisy was on time, she gets yelled at for not setting up things. The three male coworkers are represented by Boss Sleazo McSleazy, Blonde Sleazo, and Only Slightly Sleazy (aka Blake Tyler, Kevin, and Orlando.) The action takes place in some sort of ad agency. Also there is a new mailclerk named David, who I mention because he is relevant to the plot. I won’t mention the several other extras of both genders who do nothing except smile knowingly every once in a while when they overhear the named characters exchanging bodily fluids in the copy room. But it’s nice to watch softcore flicks from back in the days when there were extras.

Gloria tries to get Daisy to notice the new mail guy, but Daisy is an Ice Queen Librarian, we know this due to her glasses and hair tied up. Boss sleazo tries to ask Daisy out for dinner, she refuses and he demands more coffee. Getting coffee becomes an adventure as Daisy is trapped in the break room with Gloria and Kevin, who are having illicit office worker sex on the copy machine. At the rate they are going, the office must spend a million dollars a week on toner. During the deed, some extras who are also coworkers try to get in the room, realize what is happening, and just grin and walk away. I for one would be grossed out that all the food was in there where two random people where going at it.

While on the beach, Daisy runs into a random surfer guy who claims to know her. He is David, the mailguy! See, part of the plot. TarsTarkas.NET does not lie. Daisy isn’t wearing glasses, and he is dressed like a normal person, so it is totally different and strange from their normal office zombie interactions. He gives her coffee (all surfers bring coffee to the beach) and they talk, mostly about how he loves to surf. What is this guy, Keanu Reeves? He’s trying to impress Swayze, but nobody impresses Swayze. Daisy spies that he has a fancy Mercedes, and thus might have more money than your average mailguy.

Back at the girls’ place, Daisy comes home and sits outside, where a topless Gloria joins her. This is the best house ever! Daisy tells about how she used to be engaged, but the guy left her at the altar. Thus, she doesn’t date. And Daisy has a thing for Orlando. The guy, not the city. Sure, Orlando has Nickelodeon Studios, but it also is in Florida. So stick with the guy Orlando.

Daisy goes by the set for the swimsuit shoot the company is putting on, and has a jungle fantasy with Orlando as Tarzan and her as Jane. The fantasy becomes R-rated for a while, until the boss Mr. Sleazy yells at her. Then she catches David the mailguy snooping in the files.

The three main male coworkers have some sort of bet going on to see who can nail Daisy, $500 is the prize. It is Orlando’s turn to go on the attack. Gloria and Tammy buy Daisy a vibrator, because we’re gonna have another one of those scenes. That night, she tries it out. Riding the rabbit, if you know what I mean. Her favorite toy is Buzz Lightyear. Her favorite movie is *Batteries Not Included. She was looking for Mr. Right, but is settling for Mr. Needs D-batteries.

Orlando scores a date with Daisy despite his best efforts. She must have burnt out the motor of her gift. So fast! That’s why things have warranties! But first, the girls must get Daisy some good clothes. Fashion montage! Why do so many softcore films have makeover montages? Probably it is an easy way to get the actresses into lingerie. Hey, I just answered my own question. Aren’t I clever?

Daisy worries that by wearing high-heeled shoes she might send the wrong message to Orlando. Yeah, that will totally happen. The message is “If Orlando notices your shoes, he’s probably not into women.” Orlando is going to ditch Daisy after being pressured to by the boss for a bigger bet, but he screws over the boss and dates her anyway! Take that, boss! Instead of showing us dinner, they just talk about it afterward. That way we don’t have to pay for a restaurant set!

Orlando takes her back to her room…Sex time! Almost… She’s naked, but she can’t go through with it! Doesn’t she know the man has a bet going on? Orlando leaves, disappointed.

Enough of that, it is photoshoot time. We are saved from the lingerie-only shots thanks to the boss just imagining them all naked. We find the girls are all Czech girls looking to gold dig. Hey, at least they are honest! When the photoshoot is over, two of the models reveal they are from the Isle of Lesbos. They get to know each other, sisterhood style! Mr. Sleazy Boss watches the whole thing. Because he is sleazy. And because he is male.

Daisy has spotted some irregularities in the accounting, and points it out to the boss Mr. Tyler, but he wants to keep it on the down low (because he did it…duh!) Now it is time for the third model to have sex with the fake Australian photographer! Because viewers demanded that fake Australians have sex.

Daisy and Gloria have a chat by the hot tub. It is girl talk. Gloria talks about how being assertive sexually gives you power. Then they have lesbian sex, so Daisy can learn to open up. Open up her labia, no doubt! Also, they stopped the lesbian sex at some point to light about 100 candles, luckily all of that candle lighting is edited out of the film and we just have non-stop lesbian sex.

See, Catalina Larranaga can write a good story and pack it with lesbianism that is relevant to the plot, she knows the score.

The next hot date for Orlando and Daisy is him cooking at her place. Since that always gets you laid, he gets laid. By the fireplace. At work, Orlando tries to shrug off the bet, but admits he nailed her (okay, “made love”) but then he gets all graphic. Orlando is being a jerk all of a sudden. Boss Mr. Sleazebag lets spill that he knows everything to Daisy, who stars to cry until the Mailguy comforts her.

Orlando tries to explain things, but he is only mildly convincing. That’s not a good sign from someone who is a high profile ad executive who needs to convince people of things for a living! At the company party, Mr. Tyler and Kevin brag to David the Mailguy about how they use the company for all their expenses.

Later at the party, two of the models ties up Mr. Tyler and have him watch as they go lesbotronic on each other to Mambo music. He starts to get desperate when he realizes he can’t join the fun. Haw-HAW!

This is like the third scene where people have sex while someone watches.

Daisy does some research on the accounting. She’s late the next day, then shows up all sexy. Doing accounting research is the same thing as a total body makeover! She tells the boss to meet her at the breakroom at noon and also tells Kevin to meet her in the breakroom at noon, getting them to meet each other in their underwear. HA! This movie is now a sitcom!

There is an important Head Office meeting in 20 minutes! Oh no! The CEO comes in, and he is the mailguy David! Who didn’t see that one coming? Probably people coming in late, flipping over to Cinemax after the Sopranos ended. The boss Mr. Tyler is fired, as is Kevin! Gloria gets promoted, Orlando gets more responsibility, Tammy gets a promotion and a date. Wait a minute, isn’t that inappropriate office behavior? Daisy gets a meeting about a future awesome job not to be discussed at this time. So we won’t discuss it. Daisy and Orlando get back together. They were the Ross and Rachel of Corporate Fantasy, it’s so happy to see them together! Too bad Chandler and Joey got fired. I guess that makes David the mailguy Gunther or something. Or Mike Hannigan. I’m sure you can figure out who Monica and Phoebe are. And until the next film that I turn into a random 90s sitcom, we’re outta here!

Rated 7/10 (old school paintings, don’t copy that floppy, on a mail clerk’s salary…, the fakest CEO in the West!, shock and awed, listening in, model mayhem!)