Super Batman & Mazinger V (Review)

Super Batman & Mazinger V

aka Super Betaman aka 스타짱가 II 마징가V 슈퍼베타맨

Written and Directed by Yeong-han Kim


What if Batman was some goofy Power Rangers kid show. And it sucked. Welcome to the world of Super Batman & Mazinger V! For those of you in the know, South Korea during the 80s and 90s produced a whole slew of copyright violating children’s programming that put the insane in the brain, much of which had tie-in low-quality toys. All of these films are horribly awful, and most of them are unknown in the West, rotting away on Korean VHS tapes. But occasionally some of them get brought out into the light of day, blinking in the sunlight, exposure to the bigger world a new and surreal experience for them. And TarsTarkas.NET tells them how much they suck!

Coming soon to the next Nolan film!

This time, Batman has gone all Power Rangers, and is either called Super Batman or Super Betaman (the film and related media cannot make up its mind!) He looks like he should be fighting Krankor and the Neptune Men, but instead fights a space witch and her crappy wolfman army. Besides making a horrific-looking Batman, they also steal wholesale from Mazinger V, an anime you’ve heard of if you’re into giant robot stuff, or will hear of once the new movie comes out in a few years (if you are reading this in the future and the movie already has come out, then read that sentence as past tense, but at least you get to fly hovercars!)

Hey, Teen Wolf Cosplay Guy, carsurfing was outlawed for a reason!

Other Korean kiddie programming includes Our Friend, Power 5 (Wurideul-ui chingu pawo 5) – A 1989 Ninja Turtles ripoff, Ddaeng-Chil and Double Light (땡칠이와 쌍라이트) – A 1990 alien invasion film where Yoda and apes show up, Eagle Man (who looks like another Batman clone), Dragonball: Goku Fights, Goku Wins (1990) – A Dragonball feature that follows the plot closer than any official Dragonball movie, and literally dozens more. Some of the films are all live action, some are all animation, and many are mixed in between, with models waved around and goofy alien costumes. The most frustrating part of the little information I’ve been able to find about these films is that they only have been released on decaying vhs tapes and will probably soon wither away into nothingness. The common denominator of many of this films seem to be to sell cheap toys, heck in this film a character carries around the toy of the giant robot! The legality of the toys I am sure is questionable at best.

Hi, we’re going to go all Star Wars Holiday Special on your ass!

As the film is in Korean with no subtitles (We don’t need no stinking subtitles!), character names are guesses or descriptions, and the plot is put together from what can be understood from the pictures. As it is a kid’s program, the plot isn’t that complicated, so no worries there. We’ve even found this handy plot synopsis: The witch Rinke rules over the plant Astro with an iron fist. She decides that she needs the super-powered robot, Zangga, to spread her rule to other planets. She learns that Zangga is lying dormant somewhere on Earth and sends her agents, Kats and Kobra, to find and collect him. However, she did not count on the intervention of Betaman and some Earth children who are also looking for Zangga.

That doesn’t help at all! Okay, it sort of has what is happening. Is Kobra the name of the Wolfman? I couldn’t ID any of the actors, but I added some names to the tags just in case. And I hope the mysterious II in the Korean title doesn’t mean there is another Super Batman film out there…because…::shudders::

Batman poses for photos, thousands die.

Batman (???) – Batman defends the rights of the ugly, and flies around and shoots lasers from his hands and wears a goofy yellow costume. Sometimes he turns into a cartoon and fights cartoon animals. Korea! (Sometimes Betaman depending on who is talking)
Fatty (???) – A manchild from space who lost his robot, so he carried around a toy robot. Uh, yeah.
Annoying Family – Weenie, Freckles, Girl, Woman, and Band-aid (???) – The annoying family that adopts Fatty for his mission on Earth. Some of these people must have been buried under an avalanche of ugly trees. The real tragedy of Super Batman & Mazinger V is that this family isn’t wiped out.
Evil Space Queen Rinke (???) – The Evil Space Queen who is looking for the lost robot and hopes to find it before Fatty does. She almost wins, but before Fatty dies of cardiac failure, he befriends the ugly family and they help him. If only the robot was lost in America, Fatty would be dead of a heart attack so powerful it destroys major cities! Rinke has a mysterious female companion who does nothing in the film except be by her side. And she has blue hair in cartoon form!
Evil Space Queen Henchmen – Wolfman, Dog Guy, Other Dog Guy, Mysterious Female Companion, Cartoon Ninja, Catman (???) – Evil Space Queen Rinke has a variety of henchmen that escaped from a play for preschool kids and are now menacing a family of ugly people. Luckily, Batman, defender of the ugly, is there to stop them with vaguely choreographed battles.
Looks like some lucky family got their family portraits back from JC Penney!

It’s Castle Greyskull! Cartoon Batman and a Mazinger robot fly through space.

But enough of that, it’s time for some guy in a werewolf mask and gloves and wearing a black wifebeater to wander through the forest banging his chest. Yep. It’s going to be one of THOSE movies. Werewolf beats up a dude in a car and ties him to the top of a tree.

If you lived here, you’d be He-Man by now!
Ah, yes, the robot has bat wings now. Makes as much sense as everything else!

But enough of that interesting stuff, let’s watch an ugly kid made up to have awful freckles watch a fat guy eat a loaf of bread in a fast and disgusting manner. The energy used to carbo-load so quickly causes Fatty to fall asleep, allowing Freckles to steal his toy robot. Freckles gives it to a fellow child, a girl, and then wanders off to go scare people with his face. Fatty makes several attempts to get the robot back, including while the girl’s crying.

She must have been watching this film!

Freckles, you need to give me many more robot toys to make up for being so hideous! And some Mark Jacobs and NARS!
The most futuristic alien device ever held together by red duct tape!

Fatty dances to Lambada by Kaoma (it looks as horrifying as it sounds! – also Lambada is the song J-Lo stole the beat from for her Get on the Floor song – along with Stereo Love by Edward Maya & Vika Jigulina. Your song thievery will not go unnoticed on TarsTarkas.NET, J-Lo!!) Fatty dancing doesn’t stop the crying, in fact it probably made it worse. Then the two dig through trash (the robot was thrown away, which is why the girl was crying, but in this movie characters digging through trash is less disgusting than things they could be doing.)

Just as they find the robot, they’re approached by three guys who look like rejects from a 1970s production of Cirque du Soleil’s Cats (except 2 have dog masks.) They laugh because they are evil, but they’re too ridiculous to have any fighting skills, and Fatty and Girl beat them up easily.

No time to consume solid food while practicing Starcraft!

Then Fatty and Girl go on a romantic boat ride (this is the type of film that makes you want to replace your blood with bleach), where the Wolfman attacks them! They row away, only to be attacked on the road by Wolfman. Wolfman beats up Fatty, and Girl can barely hold him off. Looks like she’s werewolf kibble!

No, sorry, we need to introduce more main characters, and up the road comes a car with that ugly kid Freckles, a guy with a band-aid on his forehead and a Red Nose, and a Wimpy guy. These characters are so stylized they must have been swiped from something, but I do not know. Isn’t it weird that Freckles is out driving with two grown men? Not that I like Freckles, but even some fates are not to be wished on anyone. Out comes Freckles and Red Nose…and Batman! Gee, I wonder who Batman could be…

Third time I’ve been boatjacked by a werewolf this week!
That’s not the “Bat” we needed!

Batman vs. Wolfman! Now that’s a film concept that hasn’t been done to death. And now we’ll find out why. Batman and Wolfman throw a rock back and forth. And Wolfman’s got smoke bombs. Batman and Wolfman dance around and do flip kicks off of each other until Wolfman falls in the lake. If this was an American film, Batman would make a joke about how Wolfman should “take a bath!”, but since it’s Korean, Batman just disappears.

They take the wounded Fatty back to their apartment, where he reveals shocking information that can only be displayed in animated spaceships blasting the crap out of each other fashion. And there is an evil lady space wizard is blowing up stuff. Luckily space ranger pilot guy is on the case. We know he’s important because a five year old sings his theme song! Also there is a giant flying robot spaceship, but that isn’t as important as space ranger pilot guy, because the giant Mazinger robot doesn’t get its own theme song.

Every time I’m getting my hair done, Batman’s gotta start some crap!
This picture is far too dirty to caption correctly

The apartment also houses a random woman who I guess is Weenie’s Love Interest, except she hate him because he’s a weenie. So why is she living there if she isn’t related to anyone? Her and Weenie go outside to check on some noises, and two of the Dogmen attack! These wolfmen DO have nards, and we find out she’s a pretty good fighter. But not good enough, so here comes Batman to save the day.

Super Batman fight time!

The family finds a map inside the toy robot. So it’s time to go treasure hunting! This involves wandering through a lake and forest while being followed by all the bad guys, including the Wolfman and the other baddies and their Evil Space Queen (who is no longer a cartoon!) and Space Queen’s mysterious female companion, who has no lines and does nothing, but totally means the Evil Space Queen is a lesbian because of rules I made up in my own mind.

The family finds an alien skull and bones (at least I hope it is supposed to be an alien skull, or else it was a guy with an unfortunate disability!)

How dare you say this is nonsense! I’ll have you fed to the space-badgers!
This dark version of Wizard of Oz really goes nowhere…

I find it funny that Evil Space Queen and her minions just watch the heroes and make snide remarks, because that’s what I’m doing to this film. I like this Evil Space Queen, and will apply for membership in her goon squad. Next up, they throw giant rocks at the family. Another thing I want to do! But stupid Batman saves them again. Stupid, stupid Batman!

Enough action, lets watch these characters stuff their greasy faces with food! For far too long. And the ugly Freckles and Weenie get into a big fight where Freckles steals his food. And everyone laughs, because an out of control kid harassing adults is fun!

Finally Wolfman has had enough of this crap and attacks! Everyone fails to beat him…until Batman shows up and drives him off.

The feral Cirque du Soleil advances on Batman…
That’s supposed to be a real skull in the middle. Just think about that.

Oh, great, Freckles is pooping in the woods. Thanks a lot, movie! That’s an image I’ll never be able to erase, no matter how much Drain-O Vodka I drink. Freckles is captured by Wolfman, and so is Girl.

I’ll have nightmares about this horrible kid until I die…from nightmares!
For once, I’d rather see that ugly kid than the cat guy all splayed out with his bulge bulging!

Suddenly the film goes into wacky mode, as Batman suddenly jumps into waterfall (Haven’t we learned from TLC not to chase waterfalls? Batman never listens…) and turns into animation, but not the bad anime kind used before in the film, he’s the Monty Python cutout kind. But he does fight some traditional cartoons, including a spider, snake, and a kaleidoscope shaped thing that yells at him and sends out skeletons, ghosts, and lasers. But Batman defeats them all because the animator animated it that way!

Paper Time!

The family finds the cartoon Mazinger robot underground, and Fatty activates it. They fly it out of the ground, and go to save the kids from the Evil Space Queen. For some reason, the flick goes all cartoon as a robot fights a ninja. Even though the ninja is a were-panther, he sucks and the robot transforms into a tank and kills him.

I’m cool, my mom said so!
Batman has been turned into a photograph!

Evil Space Queen has lost the battle, so she just leaves. Fatty turns into space ranger pilot guy and flies off in his cartoon robot. The end.

No way is that fat dude a space ranger pilot, unless he spent his entire time on Earth eating deep-fried Twinkies. Which maybe he did…

Remember when the Joker did this? If so, you are a liar.
Super Batman & Mazinger V is not afraid to depict what it is like to be watching Super Batman & Mazinger V!

Super Batman & Mazinger V is part of our Batmania series

Rated 5/10 (Wolfman nards, futuristic space robot builders use crappy paper maps, The Queen’s staff, toon spider, toon snake)

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The ugly rock face put on lipstick
Dem Bones…Dem Bones…
Screw this, I’ll just suddenly have laser hands!
Why are we cartoons? Why must we fight? Fate is cruel!
Becoming a cat instead of a ninja is a good strategy when fighting a robot.
I got laser hands, and I know what you’re thinking!
Boys are gross, throw rocks at them

This better not say one damn word about a sequel. I’ll give you to the North!

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Written by Tars Tarkas

Tars Tarkas

Runs this joint!