Chanbara Striptease

aka Oppai Chanbara

2008
Directed by Akira Hirose

Chanbara Striptease came out to capitalize on the Chanbara Beauty films, it even has the same font on the poster to further cement the relationship it is exploiting, even if the actual film has nothing to do with the Chanbara Beauty films. But that applies to Japan, while here in America few people have even heard of Chanbara Beauty films, though probably more know about the games than the films. As Chanbara Striptease was originally released in Japan as Oppai Chanbara (Oppai is Japanese for “Breast), that meant this film was originally called Breast Chanbara. Oddly enough, they thought that direct translation title wouldn’t do well here. Americans must be too dumb, they need to know that the Breasts will be naked! Keep in mind it wasn’t the Japanese production company coming up with this brilliant marketing, this was Americans. Thus, Chanbara Striptease. The American DVD release has the tagline “Blades, Babes, & Boobs…” which is accurate, except we don’t get enough of any of them. But I’m just a man who always demands more.

Despite the cheap origins, the films does make a few feeble attempts to be more than what it is. Lili’s character has to cope with the fact she’s taken life and will have to take more to make things right. She has trouble adjusting despite her years of training to prepare her for using the Sayama Hashinryu, the deadly killing martial art passed down only by women. We also get smatterings of honor, noble sacrifice, and morality tales. But eventually it must all take a backseat to half-naked chicks swinging swords around with awkward abandon. Come on, Japan, can’t you give your AV stars years of training in swordplay choreography? I thought you were cool

	Lili (Ryo Akanishi) – Lili is just your average modern ninja girl sent back in time while being initiated into the martial art of Sayama Hashinryu. Her martial arts skills allow her glowing breasts to give her vast powers to defeat the evil Yamishika gang and save the Iida village. and also to get it on with dudes from 300 years ago. Ryo Akanishi is an AV star who has made more porn by 9am than you will ever watch.
	Hikoichi (Yoichi Matsuda) – Villager of Iida village back in the past and brother of Yae. Lili likes him, but as Hikoichi has never been with a woman he is constantly spazzing out.
	Lady Okinu (Lulu Anoa-aka Ruru Anoa) – Evil female head of the Yamishika gang, spends most of the film standing around taunting people while holding a pipe. Do you wanna get pipe-taunted? You might think you do but you really don’t. Lulu Anoa is an AV star who you can easily find disturbing images of on Google.
	Yae (Sasa Handa) – Pregnant resident of Iida village and Hikoichi’s sister. Her husband Tosuke is constantly yelling and over-exaggerating everything he says and does. So when you have several AV stars in your movie, why would you make one pregnant the entire time and thus unable to run around in the buff? It doesn’t make much sense. When Sasa Handa isn’t starring in an amazing number of adult films, she shows up in genre fare like Kekko Kamen Royale and The Girls Rebel Force of Competitive Swimmers.
	Grandma (???) – Grandma teaches Lili all about the martial art Sayama Hashinryu.

Lili is practicing her sword katas as her Grandma watches. It is Lili’s 20th birthday, and thus time to get the power of Sayama Hashinryu transferred to her. Keep in mind that Grandma is 60 and Lili’s deceased mother would be 40.

The transfer ceremony first involves special nightwear in a box – which Lili is told to only open in an emergency! She’s blindfolded and drinks some green tea. When Lili takes off her blindfold, she is suddenly in the middle of a forest. Naked! And a pregnant lady is being chased by some evil ninja dudes. So what’s a naked female figher whose sword and magic box have been transported with her supposed to do?

Open the box, put on the outfit, and kick some ninja butt!

One ninja is dressed like a crazed goth scarecrow or something. These bad dudes are the Yamishika gang, FYI. Lili’s shirt is ripped open by one of the ninja dudes, and suddenly Lili’s boobs glow all crazy and she gets 100 times stronger. It’s the power of boobs! Lili gets super powerful and kills one ninja, the others run off.

Yae’s brother Hikoichi arrives and they all return to the village of Iida. We find out it is year 7 of the Hoei era – 300 years ago as that is 1710. Fun fact, the Hoei era only had one more year to go before it got replaced by the Shotoku era, which was even shorter.

The Yamishika gang is threatening the village, demanding “protection money” and attacking villagers until they pay. The gang is lead by Lady Okinu, who we know is evil because she smokes some goofy pipe. EVIL! And that they kill some dude and promise to kill someone each day until they village pays. The villagers are prepared to pay up, but then they catch a spy thanks to Lili’s help (she finds him and is the only one there good enough of a fighter to capture him.)

The spy turns out to be useless because an attempted hostage negotiation later just ends up with Lady Okinu killing the spy. Lili has had enough of this crap, and does her boob charge up powers. Lady Okinu reveals she can boob charge up as well, so this is like the most powerful boob battle ever filmed.

The two women fight, and at times Lili starts to fade out of existence. Hey, stop being removed from space and time and kill the bad guy! This temporal nonsense makes the fight a standstill, and the gang leaves but demands Lili as payment tomorrow for leaving the villagers alone.

Lili theorizes that the Sayama Hashinryu originated in this time period, possibly by Lady Okinu. If so, Lili can’t kill her because then she can’t pass on the power and thus Lili won’t exist. The villager decide they’re gonna turn in Lili because they are all jerks. But Lili just walks away from the village and they can’t do anything. What a sack of losers. My fish could do a better job defending this village than these bozos.

Hikoichi later finds her in the forest proving the villagers must be really incompetent to not be able to find her. The two talk, then get it on, lady-ninja-gone-back-in-time style.

Yae’s giving birth, while Lady Okinu is sexing sexing sexing sexing sexing on some nerdy dude while getting ready for the final battle with Lili.

Lili storms their hideout, meaning she fights some ninja dudes first. The best part is when she rides one like a skateboard and fights the others. It’s ninj-tastic!

Lili kills the goth scarecrow guy in a fair fight but he calls her a murderer as he dies. What a jerk! At least he’s able to see the weakness of his enemies, but too late to help him.

Boob charge time!

Now fight some dude in bandages with a chain. If they wanted gimmick ninja guys maybe they should have had more than two of them! Or perhaps bandage dude and goth scarecrow are from the video games. I have no idea, so let’s pretend that is so and the film looks much smarter then.

Bandage Dude likes to punch Lili in the boobs and choke her, but Hikoichi arrives and lets her get the upper hand. Bandage Dude will be needing bandages he’s getting beat so hard…no, wait, he’s dead. No bandages for him! Lili knocks out Hikoichi for his own protection, and it’s…final fight time!

It’s boob charge a go-go as both of them power up

Fight fight fight fight fight fight fight fight fight fight fight.

Hey, Hikoichi, get outta the way!

Lili finds out boobs can grab swords. Lili grabs and then does a superpowered throw of the sword via her chest. Lady Okinu gets a boob-powered, boob-thrown sword impaled right through her. It’s boob-eriffic.

But then Lili fades from existence! NOooOOOOoOOO!!!

The villagers storm the hideout just in time to see everyone dead. Great timing!

Lili wakes up back in her house, Grandma saying the ceremony is complete. She also says Hikoichi Iida turns out was the founder of Sayama Hashinryu, taught it to his niece and then women ever since. That’s sort of gross teaching your niece that boob trick… Let’s also ignore that the family tree probably means Lili was boning one of her several-great uncles back in the path.

Grandma has a lucky charm from the flashback and also hums a song from the flashback. Just so you will know she knows about the flashback. Maybe the movie could just have that in giant letters on the screen, I think there are a few audience members who haven’t figured it out yet!

The end…except tha Lili remembers she didn’t use a condom when she had sex! Holy time traveling baby, Batman!