Baytekin Fezada Carpisanlar (Review)
Baytekin Fezada Carpisanlar
aka Flash Gordon’s Battle in Space
Directed and written by Sinasi Özonuk
So Turkey is the land to go to for awesome pop films from the 1960s and 1970s that skirt the boundaries of copyright infringement. Okay, they cross the boundaries and then moon the boarder guards. The tragedy is for every awesome Turkish film like Turist Omer Uzay Yolunda, the Kilink films, and Aysecik and the Bewitched Dwarfs in Dreamland, there are many lost Turkish films like Fantoma Istanbulda Bulusalim (Fantomas: Appointment in Istanbul), Binbasi Tayfun, and Ucan Kiz. But there is a light at the end of the tunnel that is lost Turkish films, and that light is…MTV Turkey. Yes, MTV Turkey. MTV Turkey has taken to showing a fantastic Turkish film every week, and somehow they keep playing films considered lost forever! It’s amazing, it’s awesome, it’s crazy that MTV is actually worth watching for the first time since they canceled Sifl and Olly! Even if it is the Turkish MTV, it still rules.
Baytekin fezada carpisanlar (Flash Gordon’s Battle in Space) is a 1967 film that cult movie lovers like me who don’t speak a lick of Turkish only knew through gritty photos from magazines from 1967 and had written it off as something we’d never see. Boy, I love being wrong! This film is totally awesome! Just don’t expect the special effects to be up to par with Hollywood, this is Turkey we’re talking about! Everything in the film is either cardboard or a dirty rag! Even the actors! The ray guns blasts are scratches on the films, the vessels are flying saucers hanging from strings, and backgrounds are paintings. Lots of sparklers, smoke, and repeated shots let us know when space battles are happening. Guys on a viewscreen are really in the next room talking through a window.
Hey, this film si so recently rediscovered, no one has made fan subs yet! But at TarsTarkas.NET, we don’t need no stinking subtitles! The names in the roll call are guesses combined with what little information there was about the film.
Baytekin is in jail. He claims he’s wrongly accused, so it’s flashback time!
Baytekin’s desperately looking for information about something, and freaking out random people on the street and having temper tantrums in offices freaking out the people there. He tears up some guy’s office. As far as we know, Baytekin is a jerk! He’s gone loco, so of course he’s in jail.
An interesting note – the cigarette Baytekin is smoking is blurred out by the censors!
A big bald dude named Taranta comes in who must be evil because of the evil music cue upon his entry. He springs Baytekin by pulling out a ray guy and blasting the jail cell door open! He also kills a cop, making Baytekin upset so he attacks Taranta. But Taranta is tough and then shoots Baytekin twice, rendering Baytekin under hypnotic control. Let me get this straight: One shot kills, two shots cause you to become a hypnotized robot. Quick, someone shoot that dead cop again!
Taranta takes him to a flying saucer with four space cadet dudes outside who shout. Baytekin wakes up on board dressed as a space cadet dude himself. I think he has a UFO bra on or something, his outfit is ridiculous! It’s completely crazy! But not as ridiculous as the outfit Taranta is wearing. My God. 60% of the front of his shirt is missing, which only gets better thanks to his huge gut. Taranta is also sporting a gigantic belt, cape, and skullcap. Taranta explains the plot which is awesome because of my lack of Turkish language skills. So we’ll just theorize the plot is about…a problem at the Charmine factory that only Flash Gordon can solve! Ming the Merciless will soon control the universe’s supply of 2-ply!
UFOs with sparklers fly around. It’s a space battle! The flying saucer is attacked by two other ships, which get shot down in an epic battle of awesome effects. FU George Lucas.
They land on some desert planet and wander around a bit…until one of the space cadets gets grabbed by an underground monster! He’s dragged beneath the dunes as no one bothers to react. Many more monsters pop up…I think these are supposed to be rock men! Ray guns have no effect on these monsters who are totally not guys in cloth costumes but real rock men!
The other space cadets are horribly murdered as Baytekin and Taranta do absolutely nothing until they themselves are attacked, at which point we discover the rock men have one weakness…being punched! Oh, wait, that doesn’t work either. Our hero is defeated and dragged underground.
Underground, the rock men wave their arms around and looks like they worship a stalactite. They also have a groovy theme song playing on the soundtrack, their place is a happening pad. All they need is some Playboy playmates wandering around. Just imagine that Claudia Jennings pours the scotch while China Lee thumbs through the vinyl and Jo Collins, just back from visiting the troops in ‘Nam, breaks out the Twister board! Not that I know the names of any 1960s playmates! Head rock guy yells at Baytekin and Taranta, then as they’re being dragged away Baytekin punches some rock guys and grabs Taranta, then turns on his magic bra and now both of them are on the ceiling of the cave where the rock men can’t get to them. Will the Rock Men learn to throw rocks at these guys?
Baytekin blasts a path clear via UFO bra power and the two escape the underground and get back to the ship. Taranta is hurt, he explains how to fly the ship and then expires.
Baytekin puts on a much better uniform with no bra. Red with giant yellow sun and the arrow lightning bolt symbol used in the film on it. I know the colors thanks to an old poster, in this black and white feature he’s just wearing a different shade of grey. Baytekin sits around until another ship comes by and tows him. Ever notice Baytekin solves most of his problems by just sitting around and having other people wander by and save the day?
The new ship and its female captain Mannesh land on the space headquarters planet and Baytekin is taken before some older guy with a big cape, his daughter with a crown, and lots of guards. This older guy is Ming, the evil ruler of the space people. He blathers on about stuff, but Baytekin is spending the entire audience making seduction eyes with the daughter of Ming. This somehow works, as she take him back to her room after the meeting is over and soon they’re making out on the bed. One thing you might notice about this princess’s dress is it has 1960s space rockets and space stations pattern that makes it totally awesome. This would also be like Betsy Ross in a movie wearing a dress with pictures of George Washington and Thomas Jefferson on it, but just ignore than and go with the 1960s grooviness.
Baytekin gets in a fight with some guards who don’t take kindly to his princess-smooching, and soon is punching his way through the space compound. Baytekin, violence never solved any problem. Except when there was a fly in my room and I squashed him. Stupid fly. The ray guns of the guard don’t work on Baytekin’s uniform (aim for the head!)
Baytekin escapes the city via help from a female spy named Dale who is working for a guy leading a revolution or something, she is a cute girl who will probably be Flash Gordoned before the movie is over, if you know what I mean.
But first their ship is shot down by enemy spaceships. Flash Gordon, more like Crash Gordon!
They eject, send a distress message, and then get attacked by a primitive furries or something. So we got people in awful dog head masks and caveman shorts running round growling at our heroes. This is pretty much how the werewolf people were depicted in Thor: Hammer of the Gods, showing that even SciFi Channel steals things from movies no one ever saw. Now, these dog people are hilarious, but the best part of the movie happens in this scene. There is an awesome awesome three eyed fuzzy thing with a giant mouth that eats one of them. It totally grabs that dog guy with his tongue. The three-eyed thing is the most awesome thing ever. This is pretty much the best thing ever put on celluloid. Up yours, Casablanca! Where’s your three-eyed monster that eats dog people?
Another monster thing (this one less cool with less eyes) eats another annoying dog guy! Huzzah monster things! That one also almost eats Dale because she’s dumb, but Baytekin gets her out. Don’t walk into giant monster mouths. You wouldn’t think that you would need to advertise this, but there you go. This is like how at work by the urinals in one of the buildings there is a sign that says “these devices use reclaimed water, do not drink!” (I am not making this up)
Baytekin and Dale are rescued by a new ship. The captain introduces the crew (including a guy who is totally Prince! If he starts singing Turkish Purple Rain, the three-eyed monster might have a run for his money) and then things are discussed. Turkish thing. Baytekin chats with Dale for a bit, then they kiss. Baytekin leaves for the bridge, while a guard who saw Dale and Baytekin kiss captures her with his goons, even though the guy who starts all this gets killified by Dale.
Baytekin and another guy storm Ming’s castle, because you gotta storm something! Also that Dale is captured there. But mostly just for storming fun! The many many guards don’t seem to notice our heroes walking up to them or the bodies of other guards lying around right in front of them. These are the worst guards ever. Those stupid robots from The Phantom Menace were better guards. They rescue Dale, get help from the princess, and prepare to leave. But the other guy with Baytekin stays behind to distract the guards. That’s not really needed, but since the other guy screams to get the guards’ attention, maybe it is. Entirely because of that guy’s fault. Then he gets killed, because that is what he gets for being so dumb.
Ming is so made he kills one of his own men, ticking of Mannesh. The rebels discuss what to do. Just so you know, male space cadets have more eyeliner than an alternative rock band. Soon they’ll break into chords of Rebellion (Lies).
Holy crap, entire fleets of ships are sent out, then have a huge battle in space! It’s probably the biggest ship battle ever in a low budget scifi flick…probably until the actual Star Wars movie.
The whole rebel crew is now storming Ming’s compound. Storm storm storm! They blast in and Ming is killed. Very quickly. Easiest bad guy kill ever. They just shot him!
The good guys broadcast their victory to the troops. Ming’s loyal lieutenant takes a suicide pill that disintegrates him. What is it with Turkish films and bad guys taking suicide pills?
But as Baytekin and Dale are chatting, Ming is back! He’s just wandering in from wherever he was. Whatever the explaination for him not being dead, it’s in Turkish, so I don’t know. Perhaps he was wrapped in Charmine 2-ply and was protected from ray gun fire. Ming shoots Dale(!) so Baytekin strangles him. It’s a sad ending as Dale is actually dead and our hero cries. Not the usual Turkish superman character, Baytekin actually has emotion and cares for the women he’s seducing in the film. That gives this film several cool points!
Baytekin is so sad he wants to goes home. So they head there, and it’s time for…
This was most definately worth the wait! The awesome monsters, the rock guys, the ridiculous ray gun battles, the space ships, the costumes…just pure awesome. The only problem with this film appearing is now I’m getting greedy for rare Turkish films to pop up. I demand every lost Turkish film to appear on MTV Turkey immediately! And MTV Turkey should also air all those cool lost Filipino and Cantonese flicks! TarsTarkas.NET has spoken. Will MTV Turkey listen, or will they just air episodes of Turkish Jersey Shore?
Rated 9/10 (flaming ship, crashing ship, totally not a zipper, rebel leader, angry loyalist, random creepy lady, suicidal loyalist, disgruntled employee, space ship dress chic)
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