Battle League Horumo
Battle League Horumo
aka Kamogawa Horumo
2009
Directed by Katsuhide Motoki
Based on the novel by Manabu Makime
All of us who have been to college know the excitement of the day where all the clubs get to set up tables and try to convince people to join up. Chess Club, Young Democrats, Free Tibet, that club that build a solar car, and the club where you command armies of demons to battle other demons. What, your school didn’t have a Horumo Club? They’re the greatest thing ever if you like CGI demon sprites (called Oni) beating each other with clubs while the human controllers make weird gestures commanding the troops. I commanded a Horumo squad back in my days at Mizzou and we won all sorts of battles: the Battle of the University Bookstore, the Battle of the 7-11 near campus, the Battle of Jesse Hall, the Battle of Stop Raising Our Damn Tuition, the last one being more of a riot than a battle and demons in riot gear had to be bussed in from East Hades.
But, still, Horumo battling was the fourth best time of my life, behind only my marriage, writing for this site, and the time I found a green ring and became a lantern or something.
Battle League Horumo is from Japan, because Japan specializes in stories about humans controlling various tiny things in battle with each other. That and cartoon seizure robots. BLH (as I’ll call it from now on because laziness rules) is based on a book by Manabu Makime that I haven’t read because I can only read Japanese children’s books.
BLH suffers from one major flaw – it is totally slow. The plot drags on and on. I am not sure how they got it to drag so slowly as Japan seems to specialize in films clocking in at barely over an hour. But BLH manages to be two hours long! Looks like Korea is influencing cinema again. So if you got a movie where people control CGI demon sprites, shouldn’t you show the freaking sprites before 50 minutes into the movie? But don’t let me complaining in the intro satisfy your urge, let’s complain as the movie unfolds!
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Categories: Movies, Ugly Tags: Chiaki Kuriyama, Gaku Hamada, Japan, Katsuhide Motoki, Manabu Makime, Sei Ashina, Takayuki Yamada, Takuya Ishida, YosiYosi Arakawa
Future X-Cops
Future X-Cops
aka Mei loi ging chaat
2010
Directed and written by Wong Jing
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The background spinning enrages me!
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Future X-Cops is a mixed bag, a film that is part-action, part-comedy, part-drama, part-romance. We got robot guys, time travel, yelling kids, loved ones dying, weird slapstick, a dude with a microwave on his head, a guy who is trapped in a TV, an insect cyborg gang, a giant industrial machine, a cyborg cat lady, and hundreds of cops murdered. It’s all part of Wong Jing’s strategy of throwing the whole buffet against the wall and hoping it turns into a Monet painting. But instead we get more of a Thomas Kinkade.
When Future X-Cops was first announced, it was announced as the title Future Cops, which instantly made everyone think it was a remake of Wong Jing’s Future Cops, especially since Wong Jing was writing and directing this one. But as more details came out, suddenly the film was titled Future X-Cops and bared little resemblance to Future Cops except ripping off the basic plot of cops from the future being sent back in time to protect someone from being killed by bad guys.
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In the future, gas shortages lead to go-kart madness!
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It has been nice seeing Hong Kong start to pump out some more SciFi movies, but between this and Kung Fu Cyborg we have a ways to go before Hong Kong becomes a SciFi action mainstay. But some day they’ll produce things on par with I Love Maria again!
Like recent movie Beauty on Duty, there are a bajillion production companies and a bajillion producers for this flick. At this point, anyone with a spare $5 can be a Hong Kong producer and you can just have your named added to the wall of text during the opening credits.
Originally I was going to write a short version of this review, but the more I kept watching, the more I kept getting confused and angry and weirdly entertained, but not at the parts I should be entertained at. Thus, the review now is pretty long. Feel free to skip reading it and just look at the pictures, I’m under no delusions that 90% of you don’t do just that anyway. This text is just for us cool 10%ers. You know, the ones who are awesome.
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Every one of these characters miss
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After The Dark Knight, there was nowhere for the franchise to go but down
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Categories: Movies, Ugly Tags: Andy Lau Tak-Wah, Barbie Hsu Hsi-Yuan, cool robots, Fan Bing-Bing, Fan Siu-Wong, Hong Kong, Tang Yi-Fei, Wong Jing, Xu Jiao
Dangerous Passions
Dangerous Passions
2006
Directed by Woquini Adams
Written by Ashley Nielsen
Another softcore flick from Woquini Adams, this time written by Ashley Nielsen, who also wrote the Woquini Adams flick Deviant Passions. It must be tough to be a Hollywood writer who only writes for films with “Passions” in the title directed by Woquini Adams. But if Woquini Adams directs Passions of the Christ, you got it made! Now, we are not certain Woquini Adams and Ashley Nielsen are real people, but if they are, good luck to them. I’ve seen some awful films of this nature over the years, and this is certainly not one of the awful ones.
One thing this film does have (besides naked boobs of the breasts variety) is lots of coin collector nerdage. As a former coin collector who still has a bunch of old coins stashed in my mom’s attic, the language was like a warm familiar blanket. But no one has ever murdered me over my coins…yet!
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Categories: Movies, Ugly Tags: Ashley Nielsen, Ben Gold, Bill Hindley, Danny Pape, Daryl Burq Pearson, Dick Smothers Jr., Jezebelle Bond, Julia Kruis, Nikita Cash, Randy Spears, softcore, Wendy Rice, Woquini Adams
Insatiable Obsession
Insatiable Obsession
2006
Directed by Woquini Adams
Ghosts are common in softcore films because they can be brought in rather cheaply and still make erotic stories that aren’t boring. They also tap into the “love from beyond the grave” vibe that is popular with romance types. We pretty much know why we’re here, so I can’t really give a nice long opening discussion. Especially since I can’t find much information about Woquini Adams, but there is one more Woquini Adams movie in the pipeline.
All the sex scenes are loud vocal affairs. So if you like noise, this is the movie for you. If you also like weird ghost story movies, this is the movie for you. If you like sepia tones this is the movie for you. If you like movies about house repair guys who go nuts and tie people up, this is the movie for you. If you like movies about frogs who eat beans, this is not the movie for you. I am still looking for that movie. But I will find it one day, and it will be glorious.
So have ghost women told you stuff about their murder and then joined in during sex with your wife? Because I can imagine that being rather annoying. Who wants female Slimer in the bedroom? Get out, ghost lady! And stop showing me where treasure is buried! I got enough treasure lying around the house.
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Categories: Movies, Ugly Tags: Amy Lindsay, Chloe, ghosts, Monique Parent, Sean Juergens, softcore, William Lawson, Woquini Adams
Makin
Makin
aka The Vampire
????
Directed by ????
Makin’ what? Bacon? Cookies? Babies? Probably babies, as that’s what several of the characters attempt to do in a roundabout faction.
Makin is an obscure as frak Thai film that is sort of unique in the Asian vampire genre in that the vampires are solely Western-style vampires! No one is hopping around, no one has their head flying off and zooming around while their guts hang low. It’s all traditional Dracula. I could go on about how there are a limited number of Western Vampires in Eastern Vampire films (most notably in Vampire vs. Vampire and The Seven Brothers Meet Dracula) but most people reading this are so far under a false assumption there will be pictures of naked Thai chicks down below. In fact, there are only pictures of semi-naked Thai chicks, or naked Thai chicks with strategically placed objects. So for the big Eastern/Western vampire discussion you’ll have to wait until I get around to actually reviewing Vampire vs. Vampire, which could happen one day since I own it.
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The best widescreen money can buy!
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You might not be surprised to know that there is a plethora of low-budget softcore films produced in Thailand (which has a reputation as a sex tourist destination) but as most of them (at least the ones available on eThaicd.com) are barely-there plots about dudes seducing chicks and other boring things that would barely rate a Skinimax softcore film. But even in the boring masses there are a few wacky gems. Previously we’ve run across weird Thai softcore flick Hidden 2002, a movie about loose women at a hotel and the men who secretly video tape them. Finding out information on Thai films in general is almost impossible, and softcore films are talked about even less. And obscure crazy softcore crap like this you have a better chance of tapdancing with a shark than finding out info about this (unless you are fluent in Thai, and even then you will probably have troubles.) Makin is a production of the Prohand Production Group (who’s symbol is a thumbs up! Someone tell Roger Ebert!) and Prohand Home Video. They aren’t anti-hand, they are prohand.
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YOU are the reason Edward Cullen won’t return my fan letters!
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Oh, subtitles? Forget it! But TarsTarkas.NET don’t need no stinking subtitles! We also don’t need to know who the heck the actors are, so here are all the notable characters (pretty much every character minus one)
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