Örümcek

1972
Directed and Written by Taner Oguz

The last time we had a Turkish Spiderman, he was a pot-bellied, bushy-eyebrowed psychopath who had nine lives and it took the combined might of Captain America and El Santo to take him down. This Turkish Spiderman goes by the name Orumcek and dresses like he was on the way to Space Cadet school and took a detour down wacky hero alley. His costume would not look unusual dressed upon a Japanese super hero such as Prince of Space of Space Chief or Starman.

Like most Turkish films of the era the print is tore up and there seems to be chunks of it missing. That’s what happens when the military takes over and no one cares about cultural preservation of your countries film history. At least the negatives didn’t get melted down for the silver nitrate, like so many other films now sadly gone.

Even with only one hour of film remaining, there is quite a lot going on. So much that I am sure some of my guesses are completely wrong. This is without subtitles, but at TarsTarkas.NET, we don’t need no stinking subtitles! The main plot has to do with treasure thieves, but there is gun running, wine running, and bad nightclub singing. I think there might be undercover agents in the evil gang, but just who they are I am not sure.

Turkish films made around this time are all heavily influenced by American serials, and when combined with the normal Turkish quirks such as every guy having mustaches and being macho macho men, the super hero films all come out with their own distinct flavor. Be it Turkish Phantom or Turkish Phantom, it is undeniably Turkish. Orumcek is Turkish for spider, so to be Spiderman he would be Orumcek Adam, but that ain’t the movie title so we’re just calling him Orumcek. Is he strong? Listen bud, he’s got TURKISH blood!

There looks like there is one more Turkish Spiderman film, which probably no longer exists (I can’t find my links to the photos of the film or its title and production year.) There is also a 1966 Turkish crime film called Orumcek Adam, but that does not appear to be a super hero film.

	Orumcek/Spiderman (Hüseyin Zan) – Orumcek is a space cadet or something. I give Turkey props for having this super hero not being just a costume copy but in fact his own man. Orumcek has his SpiderMotorcycle that has a machine gun built into it. Orumcek punches jerks, bangs women, and kicks Peter Parker in the butt. I like how Orumcek has both goggles and a visor
	Erol (Hüseyin Zan) – He is Spiderman! He’s also a guy who gets beat up a lot. Okay.
	Main Female Babe (???) – The main female character whose entire job is to take care of Erol and get into danger so Orumcek can save her. Works as a nightclub singer because that makes the movie longer.
	Bald Villain Guy (???) – The evil mastermind behind the treasure theft/gun running/wine smuggling/whatever they are doing. He may be named Shep or something similar. He is responsible for Spiderman 3 being so horrible, and also for the franchise being rebooted. Don’t gorget the Spider Clone saga and One More Day. What a jerk!
	Evil Biff Tannen (???) – What is Alternate 1985 Biff Tannen doing in Orumcek? Whatever it is, it isn’t good, as he’s evil here, too! That Biff Tannen, always trying to pull a fast one…
	Evil Blonde Girlfriend (???) – Bald Villain Guy’s girlfriend who is so loyal she has sex on the floor of a cave with another guy.

In-A-Gadda-Da-Vida is the opening song? Or at least a Turkish version of it.

A Turkish dude is killing other dudes and whips out a detection device that makes retro 50s scifi sounds and he searches for a hidden treasure. A hidden treasure hidden behind a door that is walled off with loose bricks and stands out like a sore thumb against the wall. You don’t really need a special device to spot that. There is some gold Buddha thing in there, but trouble is happening as some guys have noticed the dead men and are searching around with their guns drawn. They capture the guy and start smacking him around. Would Lara Croft have been captured by some random Turkish thugs? I think not! This tomb raider is more of a tomb failure.

Those laced boots walking down the steps can only mean one thing…Turkish Spiderman is here! Yes, dressed like a space cadet crossed with a 50’s biker, we got Orumcek, aka Spiderman, finding a stash of machine guns lying in a crate in the cave/underground dungeon/maze of brick walls this is taking place in. Hey, wasn’t this about treasure? Now it is about illegal gun running? Ah, Orumcek, why bother to make sense?

Spiderman beats up a lot of goons in the famed 1940s serials style that most of these Turkish Superhero flicks are based on the captured guy escapes (I think, there is a confusing scene where he is captured again and a rough edit due to the terrible print quality as Orumcek blows away a random baddie and suddenly the captured guy is missing.)

Like all these Turkish Super Hero films, there are cops around, so we got random police chat, Interpol mentioned, and an evil bald dude with his girl getting on him (girl in the required negligee.) The girl who is dating the boss is blonde, so we’re calling her Blonde Girlfriend due to the great originality TarsTarkas.NET is famous for. Then we get what I assume is the main female babe because she has theme music and mod clothing. She’s also being bothered by a guy in a light striped suit who looks like Biff Tannen from the alternate 1985 where he is all rich and corrupt. Damn you, alternate 1985 Biff Tannen! Now you have escaped to 1960s Turkey in the DeLorian for nefarious means! Great Scott! The main babe is a nightclub singer, because they always are in these films. That way we can pack in some songs to pad the run time.

Now we have the famous Turkish Spiderman theme ballad. You probably recognize it from the constant plays on the radio.

Blondie gets some surprising news from some of his goons and must go see other goons. It’s a cavalcade of goons! The scapegoat for the latest failure gets beat up, because goons must pay. Even though this goon failed to guard the guns because he was secretly Orumcek, but don’t tell the bad guys! Bald Boss is called again, still in bed trying to get it on with his woman, but he has to go this time. He has to help beat up the failure, who is eventually tossed down a hill.

More nightclub singing! This time more traditionally Turkish than popish. Nightclub girl/main babe drives home, and manages to run over the guy who just got beat up. It is not his day! She takes him back to her home to nurse him to health. Wait a minute….it IS Back to the Future! This is heavy, Doc! They guy who got hit is named Erol, who we will remind you is also Turkish Spiderman himself, Orumcek.

Later, the nightclub is having Hawaiian theme night. You haven’t lived until you’ve seen Turkish Hawaiian. After the luau, a Turkish old timey prospector is eating dinner alone. Are we suddenly in 1849 California? Several goons stroll into his place and he tells them what they want to know like the coward he is. Never trust an old timey prospector. Prospector guy gets a visit from Erol and Main Girl (incidentally, the background music here is an orchestral version of Baby Baby, It’s A Wild World)

Remember when the baddies were selling illegal weapons? Well, now they are selling wine. Wine??? Is Turkey now 1920s prohibition land? This film is quite the time traveler.

Spiderman is here disrupt this transaction! Don’t you know you need a liquor license to sell alcohol in Turkey? Beat them up, Space Cadet Spiderman! I bet you didn’t know Turkey has almost no crime, so liquor license violations are kind of a big deal.

Spiderman avoids gunfire by using dudes as a human shield, backflipping, cartwheeling, hopping over cars, and just gunning down bad guys himself. Spiderman has no respect for human life. Don’t you know that with great power comes great responsibility? Jerk. A few of the main baddies escape, as the movie is only half over. Then Spiderman blows up the wine and also some weapons that weren’t there before.

Gangster Biff beats up the main girl/nightclub lady! He’s gonna go rapetown on her! Will Gangster Biff kill a McFly and a guy who eats flies with the same gun? Turkish Spiderman is there to kick some Evil Biff butt. Spiderman quickly leaves and Erol runs in to comfort her (hmmm…yet she doesn’t figure it out….)

So the baddies drive two cars to the edge of town and get out and stare at each other until Spiderman rides between them both on his motorcycle, then they suddenly hop in the cars to give chase. Okay, what? Did Spiderman interrupt the Greasers vs. the Socs?

The baddies chase, then one of the villain’s cars breaks so hard that a guy goes flying out the door! Wait a minute, why are they avoiding hitting Spiderman on his bike with their cars? Run his space cadet butt over! I did it all the time back in my Grand Theft Auto days! The other baddies stop their car and grab the idiot who fell out of his, then drive off. I don’t know anymore. Somehow, Spiderman gets away, because evil is dumb.

At night, Spiderman is sneaking in to somewhere and beats up some guards. Typical. He enters a room with one of the evil women in it, she tries her powers of seduction on him. Spiderman reveals he has a visor, goggles, and also a domino mask on! Three masks??? Soon she is topless and they are on the bed together, all eight of Spiderman’s arms are busy beavers as he pumps her for information, Turkish Spiderman style. That’s where she eats him after sex. Except that won’t happen. Evil woman’s boyfriend is approving her seduction, btw.

I am not sure what happens next, but it ends in a shootout with the gangsters and the seducing woman and her boyfriend. She’s killed and he’s saved by the Blonde Girlfriend of the big bald boss.

Spiderman then shows up because weapons/wine/whatever the producer had lying around is being sold and he starts shooting everyone. Ha ha ha, that’s our Spiderman!

The boyfriend and the blonde girlfriend of the bald boss (her name might be Yeshim) blast into a room with a golden idol and a box of jewels. Is this what Indiana Jones was looking for? They celebrate and start to get it on on the floor of the cave (more nudity!) but things get creepy when there is a giant spider on her underwear! I tell you, every time I have sex on the floor of a cave… Spiderman likes to watch! He also likes to shoot the boyfriend in the head. Blonde tries to kiss Spiderman and stab him in the back, so he shoots her dead as well.

Well.

There are baddies in a house with the Main Girl held hostage, so Spiderman bursts in on his SpiderMotorcycle, which has a spider emblem on the front as well as a gun that he is using to blast the baddies. No one can seem to hit the non-armored Spiderman who is mere feet in front of them and moving slowly on his bike with the clumsy weapon on it.

All goons are killed, so now Spiderman must beat up Biff Tannen again. Spiderman beats his face into the sand over and over again. This Spiderman is pretty brutal. If he had to wrestle Bonesaw, he’d rip Bonesaw’s femur out of his thigh and beat him to death with it. At least he isn’t beating Biff Tannen’s face into manure.

Bald Boss now has Main Girl hostage, and is hiding from the cops, but Spiderman throws a giant knife though his neck! Baldy is bloodily dead! Spiderman reveals himself as Erol to the grateful Main Girl. Looks like he’s gonna get the girl and she’s gonna get whatever STDs he picked up from the seducer chick. Everyone gets a prize!