Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: Turtles Forever
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: Turtles Forever
2009
Directed by Roy Burdine and Lloyd Goldfine
Turtles Forever is the 25th Anniversary celebration that brings together different branches of the Ninja Turtle franchise in a way that is not only a good story, but a fun reference to the past 25 years of the franchise. Both people like me, who grew up with the older cartoon in the 1980s and the more modern fans who were raised on the modern cartoon will have plenty to make them smile.
For those of you who never really watched the modern TMNT cartoon, it is a slightly more realistic take with less crazy stuff and more actual deaths. Though they still have a bunch of wacky adventures and aliens and all that fun stuff. The Turtles still have the same basic personalities but they are less over the top.
When the 80s Turtles show up, their voices are different from the classic voices (due to union issues, IIRC) but they have the same animation. There are plenty of Easter eggs – including Tokka and Rahzar in it! We also see Irma and unmutated gang members (including unmutated Bebop and Rocksteady) back in the 80s Turtles’ universe. There are lots of other references to the old show, including the 80s Turtles finding all sorts of ways to use the terrain to take out bad guys instead of directly attacking them.
This is dubbed off of a TV broadcast because I am cheap and the DVD isn’t out yet! For purposes of this review, we will refer to the 1980′s Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles as 80s Turtles (80s Leonardo, 80s Donatello, 80s Raphael, and 80s Michelangelo) and the modern TMNTs by their regular names. 80s Shredder will be referred to as such, and Utrom Shredder is the modern version. 80s Splinter and Splinter. Any other random characters (like 80s April O’Neal) will follow the same pattern. Isn’t that easy? So let’s begin. First up is the Roll Call:
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Categories: Bad, Movies Tags: animated, Lloyd Goldfine, Roy Burdine, TMNT
The Boy and a Magic Box
The Boy and a Magic Box
aka Shen Tong Bao He aka Boy With His Magic Box
1975
Directed by ????
Screw The Boy and screw his Magic Box, the only reason you should see this film is for all the freaking weird monsters that show up! We got dinosaurs, we got three-headed guys with swords, we got dinosaurs with beards, we got flying monkeys, and we got unofficial Japanese Kaiju cameos. Sure, most are defeated by some kid, but the monsters are the reason to watch because monsters rule and stupid kids drool. This is the THIRD Taiwanese film we have watched with giant monsters that has a kid running around like he is Kung Fu Superman (Flyer of Young Prodigal and Young Flying Hero are the two others) so I can only conclude this is a popular genre in Taiwan and there may be many more such films waiting to be uncovered. And many more annoying pseudo-Kennys. Oh, well. So let’s get to seeing these monsters!
The only evidence of the film seem to be a few entries on film databases, most of which is in Chinese. So what we have been able to find out is this is a 1975 Taiwanese production, and the two surviving prints (by prints I mean VHS tapes that have been dubbed to DVDR) have either subtitles in Korean or cropped off English subtitles that you can’t read. So, essentially, no subtitles. But at TarsTarkas.NET, we don’t need no stinking subtitles! I am guessing a widescreen remastered print is too much to ask for, especially since this is probably a children’s film. I hope some day 35 years from now a Chinese neo-blogger is reviewing Elmo’s Potty Time as if it is a serious film. Because, then, I win. TarsTarkas.NET victory!
Hey, no subtitles and a confusing script lead to confusing reviews. So just go with the names we made up for everyone, it will help you in the long run.
And this review got bumped up a bit to answer the challenge thrown down by Todd at Die, Danger, Die, Die, Kill over Taiwanese kaiju films. Your move!
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Categories: Movies, Ugly Tags: Cheung Kwong-Chiu, Choi Foo-Gwai, damn flying kids!, Leung Sau-Geun, mad monkey time, Monkey King, Taiwan, Taiwanese kaiju
Princess of Mars
Princess of Mars
2009
Directed and written by Mark Atkins
The Asylum are the masters of the Mockbusters, the films released on DVD the same day that films with similar titles open in the theater. We got Transmorphers, The Terminators, and Dragon. Thanks to the magic of the public domain, the first couple of Barsoom books are copyright free in the USA, thus allowing Asylum to get away with this cash in. Surprisingly, this is not a mockbuster of John Carter of Mars, the upcoming Pixar film due out in 2012, but is a mockbuster for Avatar, complete with mentioning Avatar on the DVD cover.
Now, a few of you will not be that familiar with the story of the Edgar Rice Burroughs John Carter books. A brief explaination: John Carter is a Virginian and former Confederate soldier who is wandering around the West and goes in a cave, and ends up on Mars, called Barsoom by the natives. He’s captured by Green Martians, who are 14 foot tall green Martians with tusks and four arms, who admire his great strength and hopping ability (a gift from his Earth muscles on the lighter gravity of Mars) and train him up to be a warrior. They also capture some Red Martians, who are human-like except for their red skin. Dejah Thoris, Princess of Helium, is the main captive, and Carter falls for her and soon they are escaping and lots of fights happen. And everyone on Mars is naked all the time. Guess which part is not in the film! Most of it, actually.
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Barsoom – planet of substandard emissions standards
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So here at TarsTarkas.NET we have a vested interest in Princess of Mars because there is a dude named Tars Tarkas in it. He’s played by Matt Lasky, who has also left comments on the blog, so we got that going for us.
But the question is…is Princess of Mars a good film? Ha! It’s not the worst thing Asylum has churned out, but it is far from a masterpiece. It isn’t awful, but parts make absolutely no sense. I would have much preferred that they just went with an original story, but, whatever. I can say it is the best Barsoom movie ever, because it is the only Barsoom movie! Yet. I will not rag on some of the CGI or costumes (except when they get really bad…) because at TarsTarkas.NET, we forgive small budgets. We don’t forgive bad writing, so expect that to get pointed out.
Enough jibber-jabber, let’s do this thing, Martian style!
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