Yo-Yo Sexy Girl Cop (Review)
Yo-Yo Sexy Girl Cop
aka Sukepan deka: Bâjin nêmu = Moromie Saki
Directed and written by Daigo Udagawa
Japan’s output of film is remarkable. They have taken to direct to video like it is crack cocaine, allowing for hundreds of cheaply produced films to flood the market, many of which are adult in nature. Their softcore industry is a monster of its own, complete with dozens of subgenres and long-running film series such as the Ninja Vixens movies (ten at last count) and erotic versions of many mainstream films. I hesitate to call Sukepan deka: Bâjin nêmu = Moromie Saki, aka Yo-Yo Sexy Girl Cop an erotic parody, because the films seemed to have forgotten the parody part and is instead just a slightly sexed up version of the big budget film done for 1/100th the price. It is hard to believe I spent so long looking for this film, thinking it would be a good companion piece to the Yo-Yo Girl Cop review. Instead, it is disappointing to say the least. There are some moments of charm, but all in all the film is slow and boring, slightly disturbing, and will never be watched again.
Yo-Yo Sexy Girl Cop (Sukepan deka: Bâjin nêmu = Moromie Saki) is not the only erotic version of Yo-Yo Girl Cop (Sukeban Deka: kôdo nêmu = Asamiya Saki) to come out in that film’s wake, the hardcore porn Sukepan deka: kôdo nêmu = Maramiya Saki was another example. Where as Yo-Yo Sexy Girl Cop merely stars an AV actress and has simulated sex, Sukepan deka: kôdo nêmu = Maramiya Saki is filled with hardcore sex. In addition, Yo-Yo Sexy Girl Cop is not even the first softcore knock-off of the Sukeban Deka franchise, Mototsugu Watanabe’s Sexy Battle Girls (Nerawareta gakuen: seifuku o osou) – aka Sukepan deka: kawaii meiki preceded this film by many years. Having not seen that film, which starred Kyôko Hashimoto, I can’t accurately compare the two. More info on the two other Sukeban Deka erotic versions mentioned in this paragraph are at the end of the review, along with poster art.
So now we can jump right into Yo-Yo Sexy Girl Cop (Sukepan deka: Bâjin nêmu = Moromie Saki), written and directed by Daigo Udagawa. The film stars Mihiro Taniguchi as Saki Moromie, and follows much of the basic storyline from its inspiration, though it ditches the boring website cult storyline and just runs with a prostitution ring, government corruption, and the schoolgirl forced to investigate by a secret agency in order to save her jailed mother. The film copies the poster art, the uniform style, and some smaller details, but is limited by the small budget as to what they could do on film.
Let’s meet the cast!
Other cast members include Haruki Jo, Naoya Oshima (formerly of the comedy duo Doronz), Ikko Suzuki, and Yûken Yoshida. I can’t identify them by sight, so their names have to sit here until I can move them to their characters above.
The film opens as Saki is walking alone late at night. She is quickly kidnapped by a pervert with a giant clear plastic bag, who brings her to a warehouse where two other girls are tied up. This is one greedy pervert. Japanese schoolgirls are like Pringles: once you pop, you can’t stop! The unconscious Saki is fondled by said perv, because Japanese films are creepy. Saki wakes and beats him to a pulp, she has a yoyo that is shown flying in a few brief CGI scenes (with black background.) This perv is toast.
Next up is a flashback to tells us about her crack-loving mom. Her mom loves crack like a pig loves mud. The cops burst in and arrest mom for cracking it up, and the only way Saki can get her out is to go undercover at a school and track down the prostitute gang there. Thus it is time for the opening credits.
Saki is introduced as the new student in school. Then YYSGC kicks it up a notch! Hot girl strippin’ for the camera! The camera=>some nerdy Japanese student guy who looks repulsed. He is afraid, and as he is forced to touch the girl’s breasts by two other girls, he gets even more afraid. As the girl, Asuka, takes off her panties, the Nerdy Guy freaks out and bolts. The three girls chase after him, but Saki Moromie interrupts their bullying of him. She tries to talk tough with the girls, but they laugh at her. This odd sequence is then interrupted as the teacher enters and they all leave. The Nerdy Guy follows Saki to say thanks.
Hey, Saki in the shower! The next day, people are abuzz that she is a girl boss delinquent. Saki is sitting next to a girl with fake buck teeth during lunch, while Nerdy Guy stares at her. This buck toothed girl is never explained, so it is just weird. She is even seen in the behind the scenes footage with her normal teeth between takes. Never explained. So odd… If this film had actual comedy parts and all of that got edited out by morons looking to make the film more serious, than those morons should die in an AIDS fire of cancer rape. Nerdy Guy decides to raise money for Saki, as she said she needed some (as part of her plan to go undercover with the prostitutes.) His money raising plans just tick her off (because he would ruin her chances to do her job, and he is ugly) so she goes home and cries.
Remember that this was supposed to be a comedy and/or erotic? Nothing funny has happened, and now we got girls crying.
Meanwhile, Japanese Tucker Carlson (complete with bow tie) is watching some politician speak on TV while he is getting head and holding a fan. The Japanese Tucker Carlson, not the politician. Tucker is the Headmaster of the school, and the girl going down on him is the teacher Reiko. Soon they are doing the nasty, Japanese style. That’s where she makes those ridiculous moaning sounds that ruin most Japanese porn.
After the sex, we get a Sukepan Deka training flashback – it is filled with ridiculous training that is supposed to be funny but really isn’t. I do applaud them for trying for once to be funny.
Saki runs into a good looking guy who finds her dropped yo-yo. His name is Takuya, and this sequence was filmed right after a bunch of cicadas hatched because they are buzzing in the background and are distracting. After getting his phone number, Saki begs to join the hooker girls, so they beat her up for initiation. Now she is part of the gang, so it is MAKEOVER TIME! What is this, BRATZ??? They change her schoolgirl outfit to the one used at their school, and Asuka even gives Saki a new cell phone (complete with all that Japanese crap on it like crystals, key chains, charms, and other dangly stuff.) Saki has never had a cell phone before, so she is very happy. She calls Takuya and they meet up, where they kiss and he slips his hand up her skirt. He feels her special uniform panties, and complains that she isn’t smooth. This embarrasses her enough she runs off. Now, a Japanese guy complaining a girl isn’t smooth down there is probably a very rare thing, but he might be referring to the giant yo-yo clamp on the base of har panties. So I am not sure, but don’t care enough to find out. Saki seems very frustrated at her panties, so it is probably the clamp.
The next day, Asuka teaches Saki how to go down on a guy thanks to the help of a banana. This scene is ripped off wholesale from Fast Times at Ridgemont High, except no one is watching and cheering. Asuka also gives Saki new clothes for her hot date with Takuya that night, and Saki gives Asuka her yo-yo in return. Asuka might as well paint a target on her back, because she ain’t making it out of this film alive. Saki and Takuya get down to business on the second date, but the sex scene is far from erotic. Given that Mihiro is a porn star, you can find plenty of better scenes of hers out there. The scene has no music, the creepy Japanese whining, and just seems awkward. In a fantasy fun movie the scene would have had lots of music, confident actors and actresses moaning in pleasure, and end with a yo-yo moving through a tunnel or something. This couldn’t satisfy a 13-year-old boy, and as the average 13-year-old boy could be satisfied from a naughty poem on a public restroom, that spells massive failure. In fact, the film is more boring than its parody target, which wasn’t the most exciting of films at times. (Those times being whenever a yo-yo wasn’t onscreen.)
In order to try to salvage the film, we cut to shots of a creepy masked guy pouring tabasco sauce on Asuka’s naked breasts. I don’t know if this is an improvement or not. He then has sex with Asuka, all while she is doing the creepy Japanese crying thing. So it has sunk lower. The guy has some serious mommy and religious issues, and it turns out he is the politician from earlier under the mask. His face can’t be seen by the likes of a lowly prostitute, so he kills Asuka. The sight of Asuka’s dead body shocks Saki, and thanks to some edging from her agency partner, she is now back on the Sukepan Deka force for revenge!
Saki goes back to her old school uniform. She threatens the school Headmaster, he sings like a canary and gives her a cd with a list of names of all the customers on it. Good thing he burnt data backups of all his clients for some reason. I guess he didn’t want the local district attorney to have to work overtime. Saki gets but KO’ed by the teacher Reiko, who then kills the Headmaster for good measure. A tied up Saki is told by Reiko that she is now in charge of the prostitute gang, and she also hired Takuya to have sex with her just because she could, or something. They never really deal with the why except maybe to break Saki’s heart or something. The film doesn’t even bother to give us any proof, we just take the word of a crazy lady that she hired some guy. Reiko has also brought in the Politician to go to rapetown on Saki, but Saki’s rope is cut by her Agency Partner, who also tosses her the yo-yo. Now it is yo-yo time!
Saki brutally beats the politician in response to his threats of using his political power to ruin her. She beats and beats on him, until being pulled off before she beats him to death. And Reiko is arrested by some random extra. Way to go, movie. I was expecting Reiko to show up in her own yo-yo girl uniform like the other movie, but I guess that plot twist was too much work for this film to keep up with. Instead, we just get a beating and a quick resolution.
The movie isn’t quite over, as Saki’s boss goes over the list of clients on the cd. From the list, it looks like the PM of Japan is a hooker-user. That’s a great story the media would love to hear. Saki quits because the Politician she beat up is allowed to say he is sick and resign, instead of being exposed for being a sick perverted moron. Stupid saving face. That’s the worst thing to come out of Asia that isn’t poisoned milk or lead-tainted toys. The Japanese PM is having a meeting with George W. Bush, so Saki storms into the government building where the meeting is taking place. Then two explosions are heard off camera, followed by the agency partner guy laughing and we end. What? Did she go all jihad on the Prime Minister of Japan and President Bush? What the frak happened at the end of this film?
Gah! This film is infuriating on many levels. First, I have no clue what happened at the end. Secondly and most importantly, the film is 100% wasted potential. There is a good erotic parody of Yo-Yo Girl Cop just itching to be made, but this was not it, not by a long shot. Although I do enjoy Mihiro, her presence alone is not enough to save this film from being anything but a total disaster. The cinematic equivalent of a yo-yo that drops down and never comes back up.
The DVD was loaded with trailers of more weird and wacky erotic Japanese films, enough I wrote another article just detailing what little I could glean from them.
Okay, up above I promised more information on the other two films that take liberties with the Sukeban Deka copyright. First up is Mototsugu Watanabe’s Sexy Battle Girls (Nerawareta gakuen: seifuku o osou) – aka Sukepan deka: kawaii meiki from 1999. Starring Kyôko Hashimoto, Ayumi Taguchi, Reika Kazami, Yukijirô Hotaru, Ayu Kiyokawa, Saeko Fuji, and Yutaka Ikejima. The film is currently prepped for release by Pink Eiga, who look to be an outfit specializing in Pinku films. Take a gander at their website if you aren’t at work, because it is NOT WORK SAFE: Pink Eiga. The plot is described as such: “Mirai, a high school girl, is transferred to an upscale private girls school. She soon finds out the school not only cultivates young minds, but also supplies young bodies to rich politicians. Moreover, the school’s headmaster ripped apart her family. She undergoes special training, and fights her way to sweet revenge!” Does this sound familiar to you? I think we just got a wholesale ripoff! It is important to note that this girl Mirai uses a kendama, not a yo-yo. See? A completely different plot. Mototsugu Watanabe was hot off the heals of making the first of the four Sexy S.W.A.T Team movies, which also got their own article written about them. This review is just spawning articles left and right!
Sexy Battle Girl DVD art:
Sukepan deka: kôdo nêmu = Maramiya Saki was filled with hardcore sex, uncensored due to Dreamroom Productions being an American company. The adult film starred Ran Monbu as Saki Maramiya. The plot again followed the same basic story, with Saki sent undercover to investigate girls who were being prostituted, which somehow lead to Saki getting lots of guys sperminating all over her, then they all got arrested. But it was uncensored, which is more than you can say for any Mihiro film.
Sukepan Deka DVD art:
Rated 3/10 (Part of the Pussy Posse, getting the number, gift phone ala crystal)