Bikini Girls from the Lost Planet
Bikini Girls from the Lost Planet
2006
Directed by Fred Olen Ray (as Nicholas Medina)
Now this is good scifi! And good softcore! Finding a movie that has both is a rare feat, indeed. And this one is a blast! The plot is the standard Mars Need Women/Devil Girl From Mars fare, except it is Female Aliens Need Sperm. Thus…the softcore. We applaud Fred Olen Ray for this one! Sure, we have done a lot of these films by now, but as every entry is its own different genre, things keep from getting boring. The films are generally entertaining as well, putting them light-years ahead of some of the snooze-fests from Seduction Cinema such as the similarly named Bikini Girls on Dinosaur Planet or the lethargic thriller-type movies that also show up all the time on Skinimax yet rarely never giving a satisfying viewing experience. These films are fun for everyone! So bring on the fun.
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You wouldn’t know it, but this is the filthiest picture on this site!
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Son of Dracula
Son of Dracula
????
Directed by Saleem Suma
Bollywood horror is filled with ups and downs. Mostly downs. Every once in a while, you run into something so ridiculously stupid, it is awesome. Unfortunately, that was Shaitani Dracula, and we are now watching Son of Dracula, which is absolutely terrible. All of the fun of random dudes strolling around in dime store costumes is gone, instead we have a disco guy seducing random women, one of which gives birth to Son of Dracula, a doll that is waved around like it is the spookiest thing ever, and a statue looking like bigfoot that spends the entire film yelling. The main crime is none of that is any fun. It should be fun. It sounds like fun. But, brother, it ain’t fun! I originally ordered this knowing nothing except what the vcd cover looked like, and it promised a vampire/Yoda thing. He is in here, but he isn’t as fun as he looks. The lesson for today is disappointment, a harsh lesson I am tired of learning over and over again with more and more films. Luckily, the good jewels make up for the duds.
I am guessing the film was edited by caffeinated squirrels with ADD, due to the hap-hazard cuts, random scenes, and nonsensical anything. Nothing in this film makes the slightest bit of sense. Even if there were subtitles, this thing would be a mess, and the subtitles would probably end up having been stolen from a Harry Potter film. Bollywood horror has a complicated history covered by multiple sources, and a quick summary here would not do it justice. So we will just skip it and dive right into the film, because it doesn’t take a detailed history of a country’s movie culture to recognize that this film sucks. And at TarsTarkas.NET, we don’t need no stinking subtitles, so we dive in unaided.
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Thanks goodness!
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What year this was made in is debatable, because it doesn’t seem to be listed anywhere. The other problem is the cast list, I cannot conclusively link most of the actors to parts, largely due to my lack of finding good pictures or even any information at all about most of the cast. The actors list is credited as follows: Joginder, Raza Murad, Alaudeen Ferozm, Poonm Das Gupta, Sapna, Arif, Mahendrea Tiwari. Joginder is probably Joginder Shelly, and he has been called “the Badshaah of 70s B-grade films” as he was a popular over-acting villain. I am sure you know what Badshaah means, so moving on. Raza Murad is another popular villain character actor. Poonm Das Gupta is Poonam Das Gupta, and is probably Mom of Son of Dracula. Imagine that, a misspelling in the name of an actor in a B-movie. Shocking. I got nothing on any of the others. So there. Drop us a line if you have a clue.
UPDATE: in the blog announcement Vinayak has disclosed that Takul is played by Joginder Shelly and the Inspector is played by Raza Murad: “he stated with “A grade movies” and slowly slipped to “C Grade”.” Thanks, Vinayak!
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Categories: Movies, Ugly Tags: Alaudeen Ferozm, Arif, awful monster costumes, Bigfoot, Bollywood, India, Indian micro horror, Joginder Shelly, Mahendrea Tiwari, Monster dolls, Poonam Das Gupta, Raza Murad, Saleem Suma, Sapna, vampires
Yo-Yo Sexy Girl Cop
Yo-Yo Sexy Girl Cop
aka Sukepan deka: Bâjin nêmu = Moromie Saki
2006
Directed and written by Daigo Udagawa
Japan’s output of film is remarkable. They have taken to direct to video like it is crack cocaine, allowing for hundreds of cheaply produced films to flood the market, many of which are adult in nature. Their softcore industry is a monster of its own, complete with dozens of subgenres and long-running film series such as the Ninja Vixens movies (ten at last count) and erotic versions of many mainstream films. I hesitate to call Sukepan deka: Bâjin nêmu = Moromie Saki, aka Yo-Yo Sexy Girl Cop an erotic parody, because the films seemed to have forgotten the parody part and is instead just a slightly sexed up version of the big budget film done for 1/100th the price. It is hard to believe I spent so long looking for this film, thinking it would be a good companion piece to the Yo-Yo Girl Cop review. Instead, it is disappointing to say the least. There are some moments of charm, but all in all the film is slow and boring, slightly disturbing, and will never be watched again.
Yo-Yo Sexy Girl Cop (Sukepan deka: Bâjin nêmu = Moromie Saki) is not the only erotic version of Yo-Yo Girl Cop (Sukeban Deka: kôdo nêmu = Asamiya Saki) to come out in that film’s wake, the hardcore porn Sukepan deka: kôdo nêmu = Maramiya Saki was another example. Where as Yo-Yo Sexy Girl Cop merely stars an AV actress and has simulated sex, Sukepan deka: kôdo nêmu = Maramiya Saki is filled with hardcore sex. In addition, Yo-Yo Sexy Girl Cop is not even the first softcore knock-off of the Sukeban Deka franchise, Mototsugu Watanabe’s Sexy Battle Girls (Nerawareta gakuen: seifuku o osou) – aka Sukepan deka: kawaii meiki preceded this film by many years. Having not seen that film, which starred Kyôko Hashimoto, I can’t accurately compare the two. More info on the two other Sukeban Deka erotic versions mentioned in this paragraph are at the end of the review, along with poster art.
So now we can jump right into Yo-Yo Sexy Girl Cop (Sukepan deka: Bâjin nêmu = Moromie Saki), written and directed by Daigo Udagawa. The film stars Mihiro Taniguchi as Saki Moromie, and follows much of the basic storyline from its inspiration, though it ditches the boring website cult storyline and just runs with a prostitution ring, government corruption, and the schoolgirl forced to investigate by a secret agency in order to save her jailed mother. The film copies the poster art, the uniform style, and some smaller details, but is limited by the small budget as to what they could do on film.
Let’s meet the cast!
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Categories: Movies, Ugly Tags: Daigo Udagawa, Haruki Jo, Japan, Mihiro Taniguchi, Naoya Oshima, Rio Nakamura, Seiji Nakamitsu, Sho Nishino, softcore, Sukeban
Lethal Angels
Lethal Angels
aka Mor gwai tin si
2006
Directed and written by Wai-Man Cheng
Hong Kong used to have some of the best action films in the world. Than the bottom fell out of the industry, due to several factors (a rash of bad films, talent leak to the US, influx of flash over substance, etc.) and terrible junk began streaming from Hong Kong like diarrhea from a sick newborn. The problem was compounded due to the rise of South Korea as a cinematic powerhouse about the same time. Still, Hong Kong kept coming out with horrid junk such as Naked Weapon and soon their films became irrelevant. But then as few good films such as Infernal Affairs and Shaolin Soccer caught on in the US. Inspired, a few films from Hong Kong dared to increase in quality. There was still plenty of junk, but now the junk flew less freely, and moments of actual good filmmaking crept in. Still, moments of weakness are rampant, and films like this thrive in those moments. An unmemorable action thriller in the same veins as Naked Killer and Naked Weapon, Lethal Angels even was tentatively titled Naked Avengers and at one point. It now sports a title that is a throwback to earlier female action films, back when they all had “Angel” in the title. Yet they all look like action masterpieces compared to this dreck (and some of them were action masterpieces, but that’s another article.)
Problems abound in Lethal Angels. From uncharismatic characters to lethargic action sequences, the excitement never seems to get going, stalled like my car’s engine in -30 degree weather. Even the gunplay gets dull, and the CG muzzle flashes are obviously fake and very distracting. Never try to make an action sequence where cartoons get plastered all over it at random. That’s your tip of the day. Female action is supposed to be sexy and exciting, not dull. How can you make it dull? And yet, time and time again, I encounter films that can’t put together an exciting action sequence to save their lives. This movie is DOA, watching it is lethal and you will become an angel.
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Categories: Movies, Ugly Tags: Andy On Chi-Kit, Cherrie Ying Choi-Yi, Hong Kong, Jewel Lee, Jordan Chan Siu-Chun, Meme Tian Pu-Jun, Tin Sum, Viva Wei, Wai-Man Cheng, Women who kick butt
The Clones of Bruce Lee
The Clones of Bruce Lee
1977
Directed by Joseph Kong Hung (as Joseph Velasco)
Bruce Lee’s death was a tragic affair, a life cut short in its prime. It also became a vehicle for many unscrupulous people to make a quick buck, and soon Bruce Lee exploitation films began popping up all over. Bruce’s death at the height of his popularity both made martial arts films a big deal, but then stagnated them with the plots of his biggest hits. Many films followed the Enter the Dragon plot line, or borrowed elements and threw “Dragon” in the title somewhere. People ate this stuff up.
Many of the Brucesploitation films were packaged as pseduo-sequels to the big Lee hits, where certain “Lee-alikes” took up the mantel of Bruce Lee. Another group of Brucesploitation films worked their magic on the mystery of Bruce Lee’s death, with things ranging from conspiracies, ninja assassins, secret organizations, faking of death, and biopics (including one costarring Bruce Lee’s alleged mistress and owner of the apartment he died in, Betty Ting Pei, Bruce Lee: His Last Days.) Other Brucesploitation efforts were just plain wacky, being totally ridiculous farces. The Clones of Bruce Lee fits more into this group, as does Bruce Lee Fights Back From the Grave and Dragon Lives Again. The final group of Brucesploitation films were just films with Lee-alikes that were retitles to make you think it was Bruce Lee and not Bruce Li or Bruce Le. Bruce Li in New Guinea is a good example of this. A good overview of the main Leealikes can be found here, four of them are in this film!
The Clones of Bruce Lee is a silly film. Forget silly, it is downright insane! The only thing that could have made it more crazy if is there were robots. We have a mad scientist, cloned Bruce Lees, cloned Bruce Lees that look nothing like Bruce Lee, secret agents, evil movie producers, bronze fighting men, random gangsters, laser bars, Bolo Yeung, lots and lots of female nudity, weird edits, compulsive grass eating, giant blinking computers, a Leealike who isn’t one of the clones fighting with two clones, and did I mention lots and lots of female nudity? This movie rules.
Produced by Dick Randall, who also helped bring to America Weng Weng in For Your Height Only, Challenge of the Tiger, the Italian film The Castle of Frankenstein, the Spanish Supersonic Man, and Jim Kelly’s Death Dimension. Director Joseph Kong Hung directed at least 6 other Brucesploitation films, and “Executive Directed” Bruce Li in New Guinea (whatever that means!)
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Categories: Movies, Ugly Tags: awful science, Bolo Yeung Sze, Bruce Lai, Bruce Le, Bruce Thai, Brucesploitation, Dragon Lee, John Benn, Joseph Kong Hung, Kong Do, Leung Siu-Wa, martial arts, metal painted people
