2008 Tarsies Nominations

Once again it is awards season. And once again we are offering our own movie awards, the Tarsies, because we just don’t agree with any of the other awards out there! The Razzies this year have jumped on the “I hate Lohan” bandwagon, and although we are planning to get to I Know Who Killed Me eventually on this site, we aren’t about to make the focus of this award on attacking whatever tabloid actress/singer we can this year. Though the Razzies have been surprisingly not all terrible choices this year. This are real awards for real bad movies, not the kind of crap you expect mainstream masses to embrace.

tarsie2008

This year is the first year we will have an actual award picture as opposed to it being an abstract concept. So the Tarsie this year will be the Idol from Attack of the Beast Creatures! Why? Because we can! Enough with the jibber-jab, let’s get to the nominees!

Worst Movie

Next Nic Cage and the movie by multiple choice.
Epic Movie Recent Movies is a more accurate title, or more like Epic Failure!
I Know Who Killed Me Too terrible to not nominate, identical twins, clothes-wearing strippers, spontaneous limb loss, Lindsay Lohan.
Transformers “My Bad”, robots peeing, secret agent underwear, indistinct robots, confusing action, and a script that made the Bratz movie look thoughtful.
Who’s Your Caddy? For those of you who thought Soul Plane couldn’t possibly be more of an embarassment to black people…

Worst Sequel

Hannibal Rising It turns out Hannibal was pretty boring and pathetic, like Anikan Skywalker. Note to producers: Stop making cool characters lame!
The Hills Have Eyes 2 Hill Harder!
Hostel 2 Torture porn is thankfully dead, but idiotic directors blaming the internet because their terrible films don’t do well will be around for a long time.
Spiderman 3 Spiderman goes Emo, Audience goes asleep.
The Fantastic Four: Rise of the Silver Surfer And I thought it was impossible to make a worse Fantastic Four movie than the original. It is sad when the low budget Roger Corman version is superior to BOTH big budget films. Galactus is a cloud, the Silver Surfer just blows up his surfboard (which he could have done at any time) and he even lives at the end! (and so does the surfboard!)

Worst Unecessary Remake

Halloween Why reboot? WHY??? Rob Zombie continues to make films only a zombie would enjoy.
The Hitcher Hey, let’s remake everything from the early 1980’s! Who cares if we don’t bother to get the reason the original is a classic and ramp it down to PG-13, the tweenagers still call the shots!
Are we done yet? Mr. Blandings Builds His Dream House gets sucked into the terrible sequel of a mediocre family film.
Underdog We can thank Garfield for this live-action CGI mess.
The Invasion Let’s redo Invasion of the Body Snatchers, except change everything and make it totally incoherent, with multiple directors, and contribute to Nicole Kidman’s year of box office poison. That sounds like a winner!

Worst Direct to TV Movie

Lovewrecked Amanda Bynes film that should have stayed crashed on a deserted island.
Gryphon Let’s do a film with sub-Playstation CGI effects! The derivative script will save us.
Grendel Let’s do Beowulf, except only part of it and not very well! The derivative script will save us.
Stan Lee’s Harpies Once, Stan Lee’s name stood for something. Now it stands for movie cameos and the worst SciFi Channel originals!
High School Musical 2 I hate you, Disney Channel! I hate you, 5 year olds who make this film so popular I can’t go anywhere without seeing the stupid actors somewhere! I hate you, Zac, you snide jerk! I hate everything about it, except the naked picture of Vanessa Hudgens. That I didn’t hate so much…

Worst DTV Movie

Motocross Zombies From Hell Something is from hell, and it’s this movie!
Curse of the Zodiac Dammit, Ulli Lummel, why do all your films suck so hard?
Diary of a Cannibal Ulli Lummel is the worst director in history.
Mummy Maniac No, Ulli Lummel’s protege Max Nikoff is! (How does this monkey get a protege?)
Bratz: Super Babyz AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Worst DTV Sequel

BloodRayne 2: Deliverance Deliver us from theaters!
Species 4 Interesting if you enjoy seeing Malcolm Reed have sex with an alien.
Lake Placid 2 Boring sequel to a boring original.
Decadent Evil II Was there even a first Decadent Evil? I’ll get right on checking that, after I get done building my moon mansion…
American Pie Beta House Let’s do Revenge of the Nerds, except this time the partying jocks are the heroes fighting evil nerds. Filled with naked chicks (wait, that’s not a bad thing…)
Best Worst Asylum fake movie

Universal Soldiers I don’t understand where this one even came from!
Transmorphers This one didn’t suck that much.
I am Omega I heard this one also didn’t suck that much. But it could have been lies!
The Hitchhiker Better than the film it ripped on!
Invasion of the Pod People Was better than the film it ripped on (granted, most things are)
666: The Beast Adult Antichrist Donald is still causing trouble! Heh heh heh, Donald!
Supercroc Might have been a good movie had the Supercroc been in it!
Alien vs. Hunter Garbage vs. Garbage. We lost the moment the trailer came out.

Results in a week or two, depending on whether life gets in the way of watching a few of these I need to get to for properly awarding the Tarsies.



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Written by Tars Tarkas

Tars Tarkas

Runs this joint!