Attack of the Beast Creatures
Attack of the Beast Creatures
1985
Directed by Michael Stanley
Written by Robert A. Hutton
Here we have an oddity from the depths of the VHS era, a film that still hasn’t been released on DVD and might one day sink into the sands of time. A movie that has some of the oddest monsters in cinema. A group of people trapped on an uncharted island are attacked by little red creature dolls moved or tossed at them by off-camera hands (if they even move at all in the scenes!) But before the people get attacked, they have to walk. And walk. And walk. They walk so much as so little happens, the title should have been Stroll on an Island, and Maybe Some Beast Creatures Attack Later. I was expecting an awesome time of people getting attacked by dolls, but instead it was a constant bore even as the bodies started to pile up. The action is not constant but just little spurts of interest. Still, the scenes of the creatures running, attacking, and getting tossed around by the actors is why we are here, and it looks goofy enough that the sequences can be ever so fun! We’ll be including some samples for your viewing pleasure later in the review, as it is impossible to accurately describe the creatures’ movement, you just have to see it.
The Beast Creatures themselves are just a bunch of dolls, as stated earlier. Dozens and dozens of the little buggers infest the island. They are the entire reason to watch the film. You cannot pretend that the characters are interesting, or that people getting killed by acid is exciting or worthy of a movie on itself. The characters are just boring as all get out. Almost no character development and what little is done is awkward and conveyed unconvincingly by performances that wouldn’t cut it in third grade plays. Only John Vichiola as Mr. Morgan has any personality that isn’t outshown by the trees in the background. More extreme personalities would have made the film more interesting, there is a reason reality shows recruit crazy people. The long sequences of boring characters eating berries? Classic cinema. Classic like the Zapruder film! But in this case, an assassin’s bullets (or the second shooter’s!) would save us from a mess, not create one. Someone some day will take this film, edit out half of the first hour, and then release the perfect 50 minute film for the world to enjoy. Until that fateful day, we are stuck here, and must deal with the film as it is. That means we have to deal with the people in addition to the Beast Creatures. So let’s get to dealing with them, and not waste time with padding like the film tries to.
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Categories: Movies, Ugly Tags: Frank Murgalo, Frans Kal, John Vichiola, Julia Rust, Kay Bailey, Lisa Pak, Michael Stanley, Monster dolls, Robert A. Hutton, Robert Firgelewski, Robert Lengyel, Robert Nolfi
The Revenge of Dr. X
The Revenge of Dr. X
aka The Double Garden aka The Venus Flytrap
1970
Directed by Kenneth G. Crane
Written by Edward D. Wood Jr.
Ed Wood Jr. strikes again! One of his most creative scripts, due to the uniqueness of the monster, not the plot, which is just a Frankenstein rehash sans the hash. At this time Ed Wood was writing for films both insane and perverse (see the review of One Million AC/DC for more of his nutty writing) as he was unable to direct anymore films. Ed Wood loved filmmaking, even though he was terrible at it. That alone makes him stand out above the rest of the current crop of dime store directors, many lack the passion Ed Wood put into each and every movie he made. Even films involving a Venus Flytrap Man still had the traditional Ed Wood dialogue and wonky spirit that made his films cult classics decades later. Yes, a Venus Flytrap Man is created in this film, who predictably runs amok and eats people until destroyed. It is a take on the old Frankenstein story, except with plants and made in Japan. Produced with Toei, the film company probably best known here for the Gamera films and the Super Sentai series (the shows Power Rangers are based on.) The original opening credits have been lost on the public domain releases, mistakenly replaced with a revamped title sequence for The Mad Doctor of Blood Island. Thus we don’t even know any of the actors’ names! Luckily, James Craig is pretty well known, and people have figured out another actor and the director and writer. However, some of the other cast is totally left out in the dark. Part of the problem is they are most likely Japanese actors, and as I am not too familiar with Toei’s film library, I wouldn’t even know where to begin trying to track them down. We are going through Ultra Q and may hit another Japanese series soon in addition to movies, so maybe she’ll show up. Until then, I guess Noriko will have to remain anonymous for now.
The script for this film was originally written in the 1950’s, but dusted off and revamped to be sold during the period when Ed Wood was putting out pulp novels filled with sex and sleaze to make ends meet. Director Kenneth G. Crane had helmed a few prior B movies, including the US portions of Abominable Snowman as well as The Manster and Monster from Green Hell. He never directed again after this film. Lots of padding to fill up the film is Crane’s trademark. As for the cast, ROLL CALL!!!
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Categories: Movies, Ugly Tags: awful science, Ed Wood Jr, James Craig, James Yagi, Japan, Kenneth G. Crane, plants eating dudes, topless diving women
Hidden 2002
Hidden 2002
aka แอบ 2002
2002
TarsTarkas.NET is not a website to shy away from new and bizarre film experiences. We are also not one to shy away from bizarre softcore porn from various countries of the world. As we’ve seen odd examples from Hong Kong, the US, and India; we continue the globe-trotting and cart out an example from Thailand. Thailand has gotten somewhat big in the movie-making world due to the popularity of Tony Jaa, and has been seen here before with Brutal River. This time the only brutal thing is the plot, what little plot there is. Even though there are no subtitles, there isn’t enough going on for us to even bother caring about them. What is bizarre is most films have some sort of climax where lessons are learned or revenge is enacted following the weak storyline, in this case the story just wanders off and never resolves. That is one of the two big “Huh?” factors, the other is the life-size statue of Colonel Sanders that makes an appearance. I believe that is what we call some extra-crispy sex.
The problem with the production, aside from the lack of subtitles, is also the lack of clear pictures. Either shot with a very cheap camcorder (which I wouldn’t doubt) or transferred to VCD as cheaply as possible (which I also wouldn’t doubt) the picture quality is horrible. It is hard to get a clear view of the actors during the wide shots. Even many of the close-ups are out of focus or just blurry overall. Another fun aspect is the fact the film has many scenes shot in the street or public places, and you can clearly see people in the background staring at the camera, or watching the actors go about their business. This adds some unintentional hilarity to some of the scenes, and provides a nice distraction while waiting for the people to drop trough and start bumping uglies. It’s not like I know Thai and have any idea what they are talking about. There is some parts of the movie I do understand. That is the songs by Green Day, which are constantly playing in the background during all the outside scenes. As all the sound is dubbed in during post production, they just added Green Day songs for the times they are in downtown Bangkok or wherever they are. That way, you will associate Green Day with Thailand. Because. It is unknown what recent the recent coup in Thailand will do to the adult VCD industry, and from what little information I could find on these girls, it looks like some of them can be found in more adult fare. This seems to be pretty tame for an adult film, actually, so maybe they couldn’t even afford to pay the girls to show off more, or wanted to make their video still accessible to most video renters without them going into the back room (which doesn’t seem to have happened.)
But first the cast. All of the character names are guesses, and we are not sure of who the actors are. Based on one single website listing four cast members in English, and checking other films where those actresses are present, we have some guesses as to who is who, but it is not 100% accurate. Though it is unlikely most of the people reading this will be familiar enough with Thai softcore porn actresses to know if I am right or not, someone has to be far more well versed, and any input is appreciated. We do get some people from Thailand who stop by from time to time if the visitor logs are to be believed.
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Categories: Movies, Ugly Tags: KFC, Lesbians, Nong Cat, Nong Jenjira, Nong Tik, softcore, Thai, We don't need no stinking subtitles
Grendel
Grendel
2007
Directed by Nick Lyon
SciFi Channel is worse than the monsters in the films it continues to pump out at a hypersonic rate. At least in their films, the monster dies at the end after killing off most of the cast. In reality, SciFi Channel cannot be stopped, and no matter how many of their films are taken down, the network remains strong and continues to send its armies against the good people of the world. Whenever the people are in danger, there will always be heroes who rise to the challenge to fight the monsters. Once again, the Dragon Slayers have mobilized to take on a creature sewing destruction upon the lands. In this case, that monster is Grendel, based on the epic poem Beowulf. Based on may be too kind of a word. Grendel shares some of the same character names as Beowulf, and some of the same plot. The details change, a lot. To the point that one wonders if they read the original poem, or even the Cliff Notes. Heck, had they watched the Star Trek Voyager episode about Beowulf they would have been more accurate. Instead, we have some sort of super-crossbow that fires explosive rockets.
A few brief notes on the literary wonder that is Beowulf. With events taking place in the late 5th through early 6th centuries A.D. Beowulf gives a glimpse into a period rich with battles, heroes and epic lore. One of the few surviving epics in Old English it is often referred to as, "The Oldest English Epic". Beloved by scholars it inspired Tolkien (who was an authority on the text) and many another author. It has, surprisingly seen little attention on film, the Christopher Lambert film of the name was a futuristic SciFi piece with little relation to the epic. 2005′s Beowulf & Grendel reworked the source material to tell a moralistic tale with Grendel as a misunderstood primitive. It received mixed reviews (Iain says, "I liked it for the most part"). A motion capture adaptation is to be released in 2007, this appears to be attempting to stick within the vein of epic.
TarsTarkas.NET and FantasyFilmscapes.com are doing another tag-team review. As usual, the opening segment is collaborative, after that, we will be alternating every 15 minutes of film between Tars Tarkas from here and Iain Norman from FantasyFilmscapes.com. Once you have gone through this version of the review, be sure to drop by FantasyFilmscapes.com’s version, with different pictures, different formatting, and plenty of other content on that site as well. Now let’s begin:
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Categories: Movies, Ugly Tags: Alexis Peters, Ben Cross, CGI trainwreck, Chris Bruno, Chuck Hittinger, giant snake movie, Grendel, Jack Minor, Marina Sirtis, Nick Lyon, SciFi Channel, Slaying the Dragon
