Bratz Diamondz (Review)
aka Bratz: Passion 4 Fashion Diamondz
Directed by The Devil Himself!
The Bratz toy line is the worst toy line to hit the shelves in the history of girl’s toys. I do not make this statement lightly. Bratz are accurately criticized for sending the wrong message to young girls, and that message is “become a materialistic bitch who dresses like a whore.” You see, these women have a passion, for fashion! Fashion seems to be wearing midriff-bearing clothing, while your face makes you look like an Anime schoolgirl who was attacked by a collagen injector on their lips. The Bratz line has one good point, it makes all the people who waste time attacking Barbie for giving girls the wrong message look like idiots. Barbie at least got elected president, was a doctor, a veterinarian, and an astronaut. That’s like 40 years of school training she finished by age 35. Barbie even got more realistic proportions a few years ago. Bratz have done nothing but put on fashion shows and sing in a terrible band. Bratz dolls are proportioned like the spawns of the devil, with their oversized head so large it should crush their micro-pixie bodies. I’ve meet female gymnasts with more defined curves.
Bratz toys include such brains-destroying lines as Bratz, Bratz Kidz, Bratz Babyz, Lil Bratz, Itsy Bitsy Bratz, Bratz Boyz, and Bratz Petz. Bratz Babyz had their own thongs until public pressure had them converted to full-covered panties. Don’t forget to give your Bratz Baby her own “Brattoo” at the Brattoo Parlor playset. I hear tramp stamps are popular on swingsets these days. Bratz have also spawned their own television show, and several direct to DVD movies. Bratz Rock Angelz and Bratz Genie Magic will also be rotting on your local video store shelf, along with the abomination called Bratz Babyz. Recently released is Bratz Fashion Pixiez, and soon a live action Bratz film. For those of you who hate Bratz like I do, remember that the factory workers in China who create the dolls make a whopping $0.17 an hour during their 94 ½ hour weeks. It seems the Bratz creators have a Passion 4 Exploitation. The MGA company (the makers of Bratz) denies that story,
Another nail in the coffin of this movie is the fact that I can’t figure out what exactly its name is supposed to be. Bratz Diamondz seems to be the name, but the DVD cover and almost all references to it has “Passion 4 Fashion” crammed into the middle of it. In addition, the plot line revolves around some sort of reality show, where a British character named Byron Powell hosts. I can’t imagine who he could be based on. The Bratz girls compete against the girls of Your Thing, a rival fashion magazine to the Bratz fashion magazine. Yeah, like any of these girls can write their name, let alone a magazine article. The plot alone gets dumber and crazier as we go on, which we will be there every step of the way. Why? At this point I no longer know. Bratz has destroyed much of my mind. Thank goodness I stayed away from the Bratz Babyz movie, or I would have been killed.
We begin as Byron Powell is on the official Bratz Airplane using a cell phone (??) discussing the upcoming show he will be hosting: America Rocks Fashion. He is flying to Stylesville for the show’s opening segment. The show begins, as he informs us of the plot of the show, and in essence, the movie. Two groups will be searching for the next teenage fashion designer somewhere in America, by going on a road trip. They will go to three small towns (one in Utah, one in Nebraska, and one in Ohio) to look for the girls. Does anyone see a problem with that premise? They are going to just some random hick towns in the middle of nowhere to try to find the most talented girls in the country? That’s pretty crazy. Luckily it will all be on tape for the American public to watch. Each team picks one girl per town, and then at the end of the week they have to drive to New York City to put on a fashion show featuring the girls’ designs, where America votes for the winner. As you can imagine, the prizes for winning the America Rocks Fashion Show are glorious indeed: diamond go-go boots custom made by fashion designer Mooshi Fiarri. Hence the “Diamondz” part of the title.
So here is the “Bratz” part of the title, with the introduction of our four main Bratz characters, from Bratz magazine. They have their own custom semi trailer, and all four of the girls are apparently licensed big rig drivers. These girls have a passion for fashion. They also have a crammin’ for a log jammin’, and a hurtin’ for a squirtin’! The competition is Your Thang Magazine, lead by Berdine Maxwell and her two clone daughters, called the Tweevils by the Bratz. One of them (Kirstee) either had a nose job recently, or always has one of those pore-cleaning strips on her nose. The other (Kaycee) is non-distinct.
Bratz girl Cloe is not a big fan of road trips, and starts complaining. She has a passion for being a bitch, I guess. She hates small towns, alien abductions, headless horsemen, and hooks on door handles. Basically what anyone who has never left New York thinks about the Midwest. Cloe also doesn’t visit Snopes.com, but probably has a very annoying MySpace with sparkle gifs. The teams drive off, as the opening credits finally play (set to a bad pop song about girls having fun) and we get plenty of shots of the big rigs driving on the highway. I think the director must have been a big fan of Over the Top or something. Maybe the Bratz will drink a quart of motor oil…
The other three Bratz girls are eager to get a hold of Cloe’s cookies, but she denies them until the next state crossing. No, it is not as dirty as that sounds. Cloe is driving, and notices the same cowboy-dressed hitchhiker at two different spots on the highway. The rest of the girls think she is going loco. Since Cloe is the only one of them who has driven so far (and it has been days according to the montage) maybe someone else should stop being lazy.
The Bratz stop for a break, at the world’s biggest hair dryer. It is a big, rusty disappointment that just blows rust and dust all over the girls for a few seconds. So it blows in more ways than one. Cloe sees the hitchhiker again, but he vanishes when the other girls look. Later at the hotel, we see that Bratz get into hot tubs fully clothed and shoed, as does the hitchhiker, who scares Cloe again. She takes off in the semi, barely getting the other girls, who all think she is seriously loopy now. None of them offer to drive, though. Such good friends.
We are now at the first town, Rockwater Springs in Utah. The semi trucks’ trailers transform into catwalk runways, and instead of seeing the fashion show we skip directly to the winners. The Bratz pick Mandy Pickett, a red-headed cowgirl. Your Thang picks Kristy Baker, who looks very similar to the Tweevils, except she’s French, and that makes the Tweevils jealous. The Bratz make a joke about how the Tweevils have become the Threevils, which would be funny if I was into Bratz enough to care about in-jokes about their peripheral characters.
Finally, someone else is driving, as Jade is behind the wheel. Both teams stop at the same diner in the middle of nowhere, and the waitress is just Byron in drag. Ugh. Also, the Tweevils plan to axe murder Kristy Baker while she is in the toilet or something, making this Bratz movie almost become interesting and dark. But, alas, that is spoiled really quickly when it is shown they are just using the axe to bar the door to the bathroom with her inside. Also, someone who is not shown puts nails in front of the tires for Your Thang’s big rig.
Inside, Byron-as-waitress tells the urban legend about a cowboy named Foul-mouthed Foley, who got his mouth blown off and is now a hitchhiker who will haunt you forever. The girls get scared, while the audience has already figured out the cowboy hitchhiker is just Byron in another costume. Outside, the Bratz hear some screams, but it is just Mandy. Right after, the hitchhiker reappears, and all the girls see him and hop into their truck and drive off. Your Thang is also leaving, and Kristy managed to get out of the bathroom while telling everyone that the waitress tried to kill her with an axe. Berdine quips “Well, she tried to kill me with French Fries!” which is not that bad of a joke. Wait, something must have snapped in my mind as I just took a miniscule bit of pleasure from something from the Bratz movie? What the hell is this movie doing to me?
Back in the Bratz’s truck, Cloe is worried, and Mandy is up to something evil. I guess the movie had to make her bad right away before the audience got too attached to her. Mandy is also driving the truck next while the rest of the girls sleep (she is also a licensed big rig driver???) In the Your Thang truck, the Tweevils tease Kristy to the point where she drops her French accent and is suddenly Southern. I guess Utah is filled to the brim with Southerners. Their tire finally blows from the nails in it, and Kristy calls her dad to go home instead of helping change the tire.
We are now in the next town, Mount Littleton, Nebraska. The Bratz have gained a new girl while the Your Thang group is still MIA from their flat tire. The new girl is Tiffany, who is black. Suddenly things start going missing from all the girls, and they wind up in Tiffany’s purse! Is Bratz written by racists? Well, Tiffany is hauled away to jail, but we soon see that Mandy is grinning evilly, as she is behind it. Your Thang finally arrives, with their tire still flat, and Berdine is blaming the Bratz for all their problems. Your Thang gets started toward the next town, and they end up switching a signpost so the Bratz head towards the wrong town. Your Thang doesn’t get much of an advantage, though, as they soon find the break line on their semi is cut. “Those rotten Bratz!” screams Berdine as she snarls like a pink Skeletor.
The Bratz are lost and spend the night in a cornfield. We don’t get a Children of the Corn type moment, but Cloe has seen the movie Signs too many times and thinks aliens are everywhere. She manages to make the others scared, but it turns out it was just some scarecrows and a local girl. A girl with braces and glasses and pigtails, which we all know will get ditched and suddenly this will become the hottest girl in the universe. The Bratz are suddenly admiring the clothes on the scarecrows, which it turns out the new girl Sharidan Jones designed herself. This is very convenient, almost as if it is from a contrived movie. Sasha is jealous, and suddenly has a very ghetto accent before she catches herself and becomes country again. The Bratz pick Sharidan as their next contestant despite their not being a show or anything. Your Thang is also stuck in the mud and not at the town. Since this is supposed to be aired live on TV, Lord knows what the producers did to fill the half-hour of airtime.
One catch for snagging Sharidan- she’s too shy to model. So now we get a makeover montage! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
By now you are shaking, curled into a ball, and in the shower. I feel you. But the movie continues, and it takes us with us, there is no escape. As we thought, Sharidan dumped her glasses and pigtails, and now has a midriff-baring shirt just like the rest of the Bratz, all while the song lyrics said “you are an individual, don’t be afraid to let it shine!” Also, Sharidan gets grounded by her parents, because she’s dressed inappropriately. Or something. We leave that for a few seconds to go back to the Your Thang group, who are still stuck in the mud in a cow pasture and now aliens have come and are levitating all the cows. One of the Tweevils asks “are we gonna be, like, abducted?” No, I am sure the aliens are looking for intelligent life, you are probably fine.
Sharidan spends the whole night making new clothes, despite being grounded, and she and the Bratz convince the parents the next morning to let her go. Mandy is ticked off, and steals the semi truck to drive to New York herself. Mandy also steals Sharidan’s fashions. Talk about your fashion crimes! Sharidan’s father uses this as an excuse to yell at his daughter for daring to have dreams to go do something, but she is saved by her mom who just happened to have a 1950’s dragster car convertible in the garage to give to the Bratz. The girls head to New York to take Mandy down, but first they see the Cowboy Hitchhiker, and Cloe says she is done running, so stops the car and chases after him. He is caught, and revealed to be Byron Powell, as we all knew. Byron explains that everything has been done by him, the aliens included. I guess the show is a mix of Top Model, American Idol, and Punk’d now. Also, the Bratz seem too have been too dumb to have figured out he was the waitress at the diner, and are suddenly upset. I’m upset as well, as this seems to have moved the girls’ IQs down to single-digit ranges. If they get any dumber their brains will collapse into four black holes and destroy the entire planet, or at least the toy aisle at Target. That might be a good thing, taking out all the Bratz merchandise.
Byron escapes by helicopter to New York, and the Bratz drive out as well. The Your Thang group also makes it to New York, before the Bratz, and the two Tweevils manage to make it on stage as the special fashion show finale has begun. The audience is horrified at their appearance, because of reasons never mentioned or acknowledged again. Byron tells Berdine that he was the alien and it was all a prank, but Berdine is losing it and thinks he just admitted to really being an alien. She panics and runs around onstage. This fashion show is so great, I can just imagine the stellar ratings: 0.3, maybe even 0.4! Still, better than most of NBC this season.
Outside the studios, the Bratz arrive, only to be told the Bratz are already inside. Mandy has stolen their identity as Bratz! The ultimate insult. After they sneak in anyway, they see Mandy modeling Sharidan’s fashions! Yes, the entire fashion show is one single model with her own clothes. “That witch!” says Sasha. Such language in a children’s film, I am appalled. The Bratz confront Byron and force their way into the competition. I have no idea why Byron is not including them or the Your Thang crew in the fashion show, it would be like watching American Idol without any judges and only Sanjaya Malakar as a contestant. Byron says that since the show is on a twenty minute break, if they design a whole new fashion wardrobe they can enter. Did you catch all the logical problems with what is happening? First: The TV show is on a 20 minute commercial break. Twenty minutes! Goodbye, audience, unless that’s a twenty minute Bathroom Duck commercial which might keep me watching, especially if the Geico gecko and the Aflack duck guest star. Second: Twnety whole minutes to design an entire wardrobe of uninspired fashion like the previously seen shirt with “Lucky” written on it. They’ll never be able to come up with another five-letter word in twenty minutes!
You know how they are going to make the new clothes: MONTAGE! The secret to making hot Bratz fashion is to shoot a glue gun into the air, where the glue turns into sparkles and lands all over the clothes. I shutter to think if this is some sort of porn metaphor. The concept of adding sparkles to everything seems to be the new fashion trend they will be pushing, and soon they shove Sharidan out onto the runway. “Just get out there and express yourself, girl!” advises Yasmin. Sharidan runways the heck out of the show, or something, and the voters call in and vote her in, winning in the last second (live voting as well???)
Sharidan’s win allows her to get the grand prize, diamond-studded gogo boots that she can model on the runway. Or she would, but Mandy has stolen them and is running away, wearing the freaking things and standing out like a sore thumb in a finger factory. Byron apologizes to the Bratz for tricking them, then the Bratz chase after Mandy. Since the gogo boots were made with real diamonds and would be worth like $50 million, why was there no guards? Better yet, why am I even asking why such things happen in this movie? Byron is chasing after the Bratz with a camera crew getting everything on tape for the show, which for once is not on a 20 minute break.
Mandy escapes to the subway, and the Bratz and Mandy do the thing where they keep getting on or off the subway trying to lose each other. Mandy manages to trap them all on a subway car and she runs, but Sharidan is there to chase her. If the Bratz weren’t dumb as wet rocks, they would have left two on the subway car and two on the station, thus always outnumbering Mandy. Bratz.
Catfight as Mandy and Sharidan fight. Mandy runs after shoving Sharidan, going into the tunnel. Mandy runs after her, and a subway car is also heading that way. I guess the writer saw Kontroll write before spitting this out, but it is neat seeing a reference that none of the audience will get. Mandy gets the boot stuck in one of the rails, and is trapped. Sharidan goes to help her, and they get out of the way just in time. Some of the diamonds came off from the boots at this time, so if you want to make several thousands in diamonds, just go looking on the subway for missing jewels. Mandy then shoves Sharidan aside, but the Bratz have returned to stop her, and they do. She’s arrested. This seems to have made the ratings the highest ever for a reality show, and now people want them to do an ice skating show. Seriously. That’s what they say. I can’t even come up with a joke about that, it is just that stupid. The Bratz send Sharidan home, and then go shopping in the end!
What about the girl in jail? Tiffany? Remember Tiffany? Whatever happened to her? Is she cellmates with Mandy? Free? We’ll never know. Don’t even think about it, just keep shopping. Shop shop shop. Consume. Keep buying and buying until some guy in sunglasses comes by to chew bubblegum and kick ass. He’s all out of bubblegum, but he’s got a passion for blasting Bratz with a 12-gage. That’s a passion we can all get behind.
I myself have a passion, and that passion is for never watching any of this crap again. But one day, fate will decree that Bratz might return to TarsTarkas.NET. That will be a dark day, a day of infamy that will leave us weak of strength. But I will be ready. Bratz may be bad, but after several months of rehab I will be right as rain and ready for their lunacy again. I only pray they do not mobilize too quickly and get me while I am weak. Those Bratz!
Rated 2/10 (Hair dryer birds, Bratz behind the wheel!)
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