Godzilla 2000 (Review)

Godzilla 2000

aka Gojira ni-sen mireniamu

1999

Starring
Takehiro Murata as Professor Yuji Shinoda
Hiroshi Abe as Mitsuo Katagiri
Naomi Nishida as Yuki Ichinose
Mayu Suzuki as Io Shinoda
Shirô Sano as Professor Shiro Miyasaka
Directed by Takao Okawara

The first of the Godzilla Millennium Series of films, where all previous continuity was thrown out again, and writers were allowed to make things however they bloody well wanted. This was also the first Godzilla film produced after the horrifying 1998 US Godzilla, with Matthew Broderick and the most useless giant monster ever. So, it was with great joy that in 1999 Toho made their own Godzilla film, to make up for the terrible, terrible mistake they made in letting that moron Emmerich get his grubby mitts on their franchise. Now, when Godzilla 2000 premiered in theaters, I dragged my best friend and off we went, opening night. A grand total of eight people were in the audience, including 7 with Y-chromosomes (one guy managed to bring his girlfriend as well as his best friend.) The low theater count was an omen of things to come, as the following 90 minutes of mediocrity were less than a satisfying evening. Still, it was more enjoyable than Emmerich’s effort, but then so is soaking your genitalia in boiling cooking oil!

Godzilla 2000 featured a revamped Godzilla costume, and the first fully CGI Gojira Godzilla during some swimming scenes. Thankfully, all the rest of the shots are full man in suit. G2K also features some neat composite shots, with zooms and background renders, that really puts Godzilla in a real-world environment. He looks more like he’s really in the background or in the cities in this film than any before it. Sadly, the people plot is uninteresting, and the villain is even more uninteresting. Orga, the evil monster who doesn’t even get his named mentioned on screen, first shows up as a spaceship before he turns into a goofy jellyfish, then finally some freaked out version of Godzilla. Many of the opponents of Big G have evolving forms, especially in the Heisei and Millennium Series of films. But many of them also suck, thus why Toho played it safe for the last Millennium films and went with tried and true monsters.

The casts are some of the most important parts of the films, and even if they are dubbed you can still gauge the strength or weakness of their acting. The cast here is filled with several actors who are better than the roles they have been stuck with. Toho decided to have some fun with the dubbing, the American version makes several scenes more embarrassing, even altering the perception of some of the characters and the actors playing them. The worst line in G-History will be uttered later in the film, so stay tuned!

Professor Yuji Shinoda (Takehiro Murata) – Professor Shinoda is the head of the Godzilla Prediction Network and single father to daughter Io. He regularly chases Godzilla around Japan, obsessing over the creature. Not a big fan of corruption, he spurred the academia community to pursue science on his own terms, turning his back on old partner Miyasaka and making an enemy of Katagiri. Takehiro Murata is in his third of five G movie appearances in G2K
Yuki Ichinose (Naomi Nishida) – Yuki Ichinose is the almost required female reporter character. She’s also the love interest for single father Shinoda, despite his one track mind, which seems to be all about the wrong type of G-spot, if you know what I mean. Actress Naomi Nishida makes her only G-film appearance here.
Io Shinoda (Mayu Suzuki) – The most seismically active body in the solar system, Io is one of the four moons of Jupiter discovered by Galileo in 1610–whoops, wrong Io! Daughter of Yuji Shinoda, and the first female Kenny-type in a Godzilla film (“Kenny” is a name for Japanese children who go everywhere and have all the answers in Japanese monster films, while adults are clueless. Named after the many Kennys in Gamera films.) Amazingly, the least annoying of any Kenny character ever! But still showing the Kenny character traits of Mayu Suzuki plays young daughter Io Shinoda, and she seems to have dropped off the face of the planet after this film. There is a J import model named Mayu Suzuki who’s site is mayu-suzuki.com, she doesn’t look that much like her, but it’s fun to look at scantily clad ladies, so I’m linking anyway.
Mitsuo Katagiri (Hiroshi Abe) –Secretary Katagiri is head of the Crisis Control Intelligence (CCI), which takes over during monster-related emergencies. He’s evil, hates Shinoda, and hates everyone but himself. Killed by Godzilla because he’s too stubborn/arrogant to run. Actor Hiroshi Abe is villain Mitsuo Katagiri, but he’s not a scantily clad woman with the same name, so no link for him.
Professor Shiro Miyasaka (Shiro Sano) – Former partner of Yuji Shinoda, but now working for Katagiri. Miyasaka is an expert on things in the ocean and things from other galaxies. Shiro Sano is in fellow G movie Godzilla, Mothra and King Ghidorah: Giant Monsters All-Out Attack, and may be also known in certain circles for being in The Princess Blade and The Great Yokai War.
Godzilla (Man in suit Tsutomu Kitagawa) – This Godzilla likes to munch on power plants. He’s also the same size he was in the original film (55 meters tall and 25,000 metric tons.) Suit actor Tsutomu Kitagawa makes his debut as Big G, who he performs almost continually until the current final film, Godzilla Final Wars. As I’ve met him, I can tell people I’ve met Godzilla without sounding like some sort of weird creep.
Orga (Man in suit Makoto Itô) – Orga sucks. Rivalling Biollante and Megaguirus for terrible monsterness, Orga is a space alien who decides to steal Godzilla’s energy source to become Godzilla and conquer the Earth. He fails, and gets burned to a crisp. To tell you how smart he is, Orga crashes his solar-powered ship into the darkest depths of the ocean.

The Godzilla Prediction Network (GPN) is on the case! That case being Godzilla, who in this universe is just wandering around. Starting with the Millennium series, The continuity from the Heisei series no longer had to be held to, nor was much of the original stories required as well. The only requirements were to follow part of the first film, and then you could go from there. Toward the end of the Millennium films, continuities from all over the various series were combined and ignored at will, which made some of the best and some of the worst Godzilla films. Sadly, this is not one of the better entries. Although I will probably unleash a horde of Internet Wrath when I disclose that I liked Godzilla, Mothra and King Ghidrah: Giant Monsters All-Out Attack the least of the Millennium films (and it will get reviewed in this March of Godzilla 2 marathon.) So, anyway, the GPN is on the case. Taking a page from Twister, Professor Yuji Shinoda has formed a Gojira chaser squad. The squad consists of his daughter, Io, and a tag-along reporter Yuki Ichinose. Yuki spends 99% of the movie complaining about everything, yet somehow is the love interest. Her blandness is overruled by the daughter Io, who is one of the better Kenny-types to appear in a daikaiju in a long time. She gets easily annoyed by the complaints of Yuki, echoing the audience’s sentiments. Yuki is also partly dumb so that Io can give a long, technical explanation of everything they are doing with the equipment so the audience can be kept up to speed. What we call “functionally stupid.” She mentions the detection system and how it tracks plasma fluctuations, and then Yuki asks “Plasma? You mean like blood?” Io replies “You really are an imbecile!”

Meanwhile at a lighthouse, a vessel outside has gone missing in the fog, but the lighthouse operator soon sees the missing vessel passing by his window, hundreds of feet above the sea. Because it’s in the mouth of Godzilla! We have a close-up of Godzilla’s eye (a la Jurassic Park) and we got title! Godzilla 2000, the 2000th Godzilla film, an important mileston– wait, it’s not the 2000th film? Those liars! This is like that time I looked all over the video store for the first nine Malcolm movies! Lighthouse Guy leaves the safety of the lighthouse to head outside, almost being crushed twice by falling boat pieces and a fallen electrical tower. GPN keeps chasing, while we’re suddenly in a bar with two patrons and the waitress, who are disturbed when Godzilla walks by and through their bar. They all survive, because Toho is pushing this more as a camp film. Now, I’m not one of those guys who demands that Godzilla be treated super-realistically, but some of the ultra-campish moments detract from the film. When the main characters are in peril, the film becomes tenser, but ridiculous moments like these just seem to ruin the suspenseful events later in the film, by keeping you from treating the film serious enough to react to the characters in danger. Camp is fine, but leave the comedy out of situations that our heroes will be stuck in later. Enough of that.

Shinoda tells Yuki he’s not concerned for his daughter, as she can take care of herself, but Io is concerned about him. Probably because Shinoda would gladly run right up to Godzilla and get squashed. The GPN is driving through a tunnel with their GPN gear, but as Shinoda is too busy talking to remember to drive correctly, he almost crashes into Big G. The car stops, and Godzilla bends down to examine the car. Yuki then takes some photographs of Godzilla up close, having the flash go off and making Godzilla go all King Kong. Now you did it! The only recourse for this action taken from King Kong is to steal from another movie, namely 1998’s Godzilla, and drive backwards through a tunnel while Godzilla is chasing you. Why make a film to show up the dumb American version, and then borrow the Godzilla chases car and Godzilla examines main character scenes? If Godzilla Raptors show up later, I’m nuking Japan again. Godzilla smashes his way through the tunnel as the GPN escapes.

Meanwhile, we are at a reception, where Mitsuo Katagiri is told by his assistant Shiro Miyasaka that the underwater crew have reached the meteorite at 9000 fathoms. Hey, that’s great a subplot has appeared out of the blue, I’m so stoked! Back to Godzilla, who attacks a subway, and then the surrounding town. Some really neat composite shots are used here. It’s panic in the streets as people flee, and the GPN heads toward Godzilla, their windshield having been broken during the earlier fun with Big G. With the wind blowing in on their faces, Shinoda tries turning on the wipers to see if that helps. It obviously doesn’t, and Yuki retorts with “Now who’s the imbecile?” They catch up to Godzilla, who is smashing a power plant. “It’s like he’s trying to destroy our energy sources” says Yuji, explaining this Godzilla’s goal: Green Energy. Maybe. He could smash solar stuff as well for all I know, the movie doesn’t address it. Good job, movie, you forgot the message! All G-films need some sort of message! We jump back for a few seconds to the underwater sub mentioned earlier that is looking for the meteorite. It swims by some neat looking shots of underwater volcanoes, but besides that this scene doesn’t really do anything. So let’s go…

Back in the city, and it is the next day. All of Yuki’s film from the night before was ruined because she got too close to Godzilla and it was radioactively exposed. Her boss yells at her and tells her to go out with the GPN again. She whines some, while Shinoda calls his friend who tells him a lake’s temperature has risen to 37 degrees. Fascinating stuff. This is truly the most action packed Godzilla film of them all! Yuki asks for directions to the GPN from a neighbor who keeps hitting his friend in the head with a pipe by accident. This is called comedy. It’s not called good comedy, though. Io tells Yuki that she must become a member of the GPN to go out with them again, and membership is 200,000 yen, plus 50,000 a month. The alternative plan is half off of those costs if you agree to share expenses. If you are wondering why a 12 year old is conducting the business arraignments, it is because that’s what Shinoda let’s his daughter do, and she’s darn good at it. Yuki whines, but you know she’s going to fork out the dough.

Katagiri works for the Crisis Control Intelligence (CCI), whose name doesn’t seem to make a lot of sense. He’s head of it because he is Deputy Secretary of the Interior and thus got a plum job. Besides controlling crises with intelligence, the CCI also has an advanced underwater division that just looks for meteors in the water. As you can imagine, they usually do nothing all day, but this time they got one. As the meteor is highly magnetic, the plan is to raise it with balloons. I don’t know why those go together, but they do. Maybe they have magnetic balloons. Also, since the meteor is magnetic, it will help find alternative energy. So the movie is pro-environmental (like almost all G films) but yet still nonsensical, because what kind of meteor magnetic energy do they thing we can make? Let’s stick to realistic alternative energy, please! The balloons are placed, and the meteor begins to rise. Soon, it is increasing in speed, rising faster than the balloons are taking it. This causes the balloons to explode, because something had to explode, it’s been too long to have no explosions. The meteor is now floating on the surface of the water.

At home, Io is cooking dinner, but Shinoda gets a call from Outpost 231 (Some random dude) who lets Shinoda know that tremors indicate Godzilla is moving south. Io calls Yuki, but it turns out it was so Yuki could pay for the road tolls (all while Io is in the back listening to headphones and ignoring Yuki complaining.) Io is the best Kenny ever. Back at the meteorite, it is floating on the surface of the water. Scanners say it is 60-70 million years old. They don’t say why it is floating, but theorize it is either hollow or from outer space. I guess because everything from outer space floats or something. This theory of space things floating is brought up by Professor Shiro Miyasaka, who has a doctorate in space floatation studies. Meanwhile, the GPN turns on the G-Sensor! That’s pretty adult for a Godzilla film…except it is a real sensor that detects Godzilla and not the latest Japan porn deviancy. They also call Katagiri to let him know that Godzilla is moving north toward Tokai, where Shinoda says there is a nuclear plant. Katagiri orders all the reactors shut down. “Quaid, start the reactors!” Save Mars from Godzilla.

Not only that, Katagiri helicopters in to the area. He likes being in the thick of the action, I’ll give him that. Katagiri and Shinoda are not friends, even though Shinoda’s old friend and colleague Miyasaka joined with Katagiri. They mainly disagree because Shinoda wants to study Godzilla and Katagiri wants to kill him. Katagiri tells Shinoda “Your network’s history. I’ll send flowers.” Massive amounts of army troops arrive. Back in the ocean, the meteor begins to raise itself in the air, so it is now floating vertically instead of horizontally. Back in Japan, 90 bajillion tanks drive into position. As tanks have always worked before, I see no reason for this plan to fail. The real plan is that the tanks are just to lure Godzilla forward into the river, where underwater mines will kill him. Sure. Katagiri also tells the local mayor only 200-300 civilians will be blown up as well. That’s probably a bigger death toll than Godzilla has in the last two or three movies. There is also a backup plan, where a new missile will be rained down upon Godzilla like confetti in an astronaut parade. The missile we are told “will go through Godzilla like crap through a goose!” Waiter, check please! On second thought, I’ll stick G2K with the bill and sneak out the bathroom window…

GPN sets up more equipment (all they ever do is set up equipment!) and Shinoda sends Yuki and Io away, as he gets on the GPN motorcycle. Mines start exploding in the water as Godzilla has come! A fleet of maybe 25-30 helicopters zooms over the trees, and we get a cool, awesome long distance shot as they zero in on Big G. Missiles fire, waves and waves of them. They blast the heck out of Godzilla, skin pieces fly everywhere. Godzilla follows them back to shore, speeding up to catch them. This whole sequence looks spectacular; the long composite shots are very nicely executed. Even with the dated technology they used to patch it together, it still comes off very nice. Godzilla then steps into the river, and tanks pull back while firing. The mines in the river start exploding, and Shinoda drives up on his motorcycle just as the missiles are fired. They also blast the heck out of Big G. Jets then zoom in with even more of the new magic missiles and start blasting away. More chunks of Big G skin go flying around like candy at a street parade.

Oh, the meteor? It’s moving so it can be closer to the sun. We also get a POV shot of “Meteor vision” which shows us that meteors can see through human bodies and zoom in down to the cellular level. I never knew that about meteors. This is the first film I’ve ever seen that has even had “Meteor vision”, but I demand that it be put into more programs. Imagine Armageddon if the giant asteroid could look deep into the cells of Bruce Willis or Ben Affleck! The meteor then just flies off, knocking down a control tower on the nearby boat. Back at the real action, jets fly in in a circular formation around Godzilla, fire their missiles, and then fly straight upwards like the are the Blue Angels or something. Miyasaka calls Katakiri to tell him the meteor flew away, and we see that the meteor has flown to the location where the battle is going on. It swoops down and does a flyby near Katakiri. The meteor uses its “Meteor vison” to look inside Godzilla’s cells. It sees that Godzilla has some sort of ball inside. Okay. Luckily, the movie will explain more later, but until now just continue being confused. The rock flies near Godzilla, and out of a hole on the side shoots a beam that knocks Godzilla back hundreds of feet, causing him to crash into buildings. The Rock comes closer, and you can see it charging for another blast. Godzilla charges his atomic breath as well, and they both fire simultaneously. At first they both stand their grounds, but then each are forced back, and Big G falls into the water while the Rock flips back in the air. Shinoda drives up to some Godzilla footprints and takes some skin samples.

Later in the day, the meteor is parked by the city while Godzilla is MIA. Miyasaka says “therefore, I am convinced this vessel comes from another galaxy.” Galaxy? Not even another solar system? What proof is there of that? Miyasaka is looney toons. Perhaps…Miyasaka comes from another galaxy as well, and he’s really an alien agent! Nope, sorry, plot not that complex. We have to go back to 1970’s Godzilla for those stories, or Final Wars. The Generals at the meeting where Miyasaka is speaking think his idea is crazy, but Miyasaka counters “Right, like Godzilla’s normal!” which is a pretty good proof for opening your mind, but only makes it reasonable that this is from outer space, not another galaxy. They continue their theory, which is that the meteor draws energy from the light, but sank into the ocean where there isn’t any light. Brilliant plan, aliens, it makes the water-damaged aliens from Signs look like good tacticians. This also gets us a bad CGI shot, but then we cut to Shinoda examining Godzilla cells. More information about Godzilla being missing is stated, then the army says they are ready to probe the alien vessel (that’s a new one!) Shinoda calls Katagiri’s team to see if he can use their equipment to examine the Godzilla cells. Outside, Shinoda runs into Yuki, and offers her a lift. Meanwhile, her laptop turns on all by itself! I see she didn’t update to the latest patch. It could be worse; she could have one of those Apple laptops that self-immolate. The screen on the laptop makes a big deal of showing something scrolls down a list until it gets to “Unknown”. What does this mean? The answer is “Unknown” because I never found out exactly what that was, though we find out who is searching and why, but not what the “Unknown” thing is.

Katagiri says he will allow Shinoda to use the equipment, if he shares whatever data he discovers. We then find out that the meteor hacked into Yuki’s laptop, taking information about Godzilla. The information is not only read, it was deleted right afterwards. Whatever aliens are living inside the meteor, they must live in a world where they cannot Ctrl-C, and can only Ctrl-X. What dysfunction! Meanwhile, Shinoda calls Io so she can deliver a backup copy of a disk for the network. I’m not sure what is going on here. From now on, all scriptwriters must hire a consultant who knows something about computers besides that they can look up porn on them. This is embarrassing. The G skin cells have healed completely in five hours, with all the cells intact. Shinoda actually watches them recover via the electron microscope. Both Shinoda and Miyasaka become excited, Miyasaka disturbingly excited. He tells Shinoda to name the new regeneration power, which he does: Regenerator G1. I guess Shinoda likes to give scientific processes names more fitted for robots. It’s even dumber in Japanese, the name is “Organizer G-1”. With all these “G-1″‘s, I’m expecting Stargate SG-1 to show up in the Godzilla universe, but then maybe I can see that MacGyver vs. Godzilla match I’ve been hankering for, where MacGyver beats him with a paperclip and an inner tube.

The Meteor is still floating, so Katagiri has it tied down with electromagnetic cables. Of course they will hold, and we won’t have any problems. Shinoda then reveals that he left the University because it got too unethical, which is also why he doesn’t work with Miyasaka anymore and dislikes Katakiri. Io brings the backup disks or whatever she was bringing, and Miyasaka grabs them from her as ominous music plays.

Cue Meteor: the sun is coming out, time to start shaking! So it does. The rest of the rock shell falls off of the meteor, and we get the first view of the spaceship that is under there. Or spaceship monster. It is Orga, the famous monster. This is the first in a series of one films starring Orga, a monster so popular that many people find out his name as they read it here. Sure, he’s also a direct rip-off of Zigra from the terrible Gamera films, except instead of turning into a fish, he turns into a jellyfish. That is until he decides to become Godzilla, but that’s much later and for now he’s just a stupid spaceship. The Orga ship flies away, having ripped through the restraints, like monsters always do in movies. Back in the lab, we find out Io tricked Miyasaka by giving him fake disks. Io is the only Kenny ever to be useful (as we don’t count the Kennys who give marching orders to Supreme Allied Generals useful.) Io and Shinoda start to run. Outside, choppers are flying around Orga, and Orga blasts them with waves of energy, as it heads towards downtown. The scene looks suspiciously like something from Independence Day, which just stole imagery from V.

The spaceship also allows the dubbers to have some fun. A Japanese sushi chef sees the spacecraft and says “Gott en Himmel!” And the editor of the newspaper says “Great Caesar’s Ghost!” because he’s Perry White, you see. The Orga flies over the skyscraper, and then lands on top of it, crushing a few floors. The newspaper office (where Yuki also is at the moment) evacuates, and Yuki is dragged out by her coworkers as she attempts to go take pictures. As it will be dark soon, Orga will go to sleep, but tomorrow it will be sunny and bright (today was cloudy, but it still doesn’t explain why there seemed to be only like 5 minutes of activity.) The roundtable of top generals decides to destroy Orga tonight. That’s the extent of their plan so far. Meanwhile, a fully rendered CGI Godzilla is swimming in the water. A clear answer to the mess that was GINO, this CGI is not pulled off convincingly, either, but we only see him for like 5 seconds. Exciting.

That night, Orga is just chilling on the tower, doing nothing as crowds watch. Stupid crowds, a hostile alien is blasting things, and it becomes a party. I hope they all get probed where the sun don’t shine. Yuki’s laptop is hacked again by Orga, this time Orga manages to hack every computer in the Shinjuku of Tokyo. Someone install Zone Alarm! Also, an infrared filter shows that Orga is growing tentacles that go into the building. So I guess he isn’t doing nothing. Just ignore that this violates the rules of Orga inactivity during the dark. This whole Orga thing is based on a pack of lies!!! “It’s hacking Cititower’s supercomputer, it will soak up every last bit of data!” says some army guy, as the scriptwriter once again thinks stealing data means it gets erased. “At this rate, all of Tokyo’s data could be gone in a few hours!” says Miyasaka. So Orga’s big plan is to break into computers by magic and delete their C:/ drives? Also, Yuki went back into the Cititower, because the movie forgot for a moment that the building was blocked off by the army. She disconnects the power supplies of the computers, but they are still active, because they are hacked. Ha><0R3d BY 0rG@!!!1one Shinoda has had enough of this army business, he yells "You really call this civilization? Anything we don't understand, we try to destroy!" Yeah, we should totally understand the aliens who are blasting our men, destroying buildings, and deleting all our internet porn instead of showing them what their insides look like seconds before they die. Katagiri is ready to blow up the monster, by setting bombs in the building, and he will do so in 40 minutes. That gives us enough time to realize that Yuki is in the building, and have Shinoda go attempt to save her. Hey, what do you know, Yuki calls Shinoda seconds later to tell him she's inside the building trying to find out what Orga is looking for on the computer, and refuses to leave despite Shinoda's insistence. Both Shinoda and Io race to go get her. The army sets up bombs, while Shinoda gets to the building with only 10 minutes left. Shinoda tells the guards outside that his wife is inside, but they still won't let him in, so they sneak past the guards when they are distracted. No wonder Godzilla always survives!

Inside, Shinoda finds Yuki on the 47th floor, and kicks her and Io out while staying himself to work on the computer, as she is a girl and not good with computers. Katagiri is told that Shinoda is inside, but he won’t delay the bomb blast “Looks like I’ll have to send more flowers!” All he needs is to laugh “MuHahaha!” and pet his white cat, and we got us a Bond villain. Shinoda is about to leave, he presses the elevator button, but after three seconds then goes for the stairs. I don’t follow his thinking here, unless he’s worried about being trapped on an elevator during the blast. The two girls made it out of the building, but steal a convertible to go back and get Shinoda, but it is too late and the Cititower building is exploded. The top of the building explodes, like in Die Hard, and the ship is unhurt. Orga then fires a blast downward into the building, like in ID4. The building starts to explode, and Shinoda, back waiting by the elevators, then opens the elevator door and jumps onto the cables, sliding down. It’s great to see Shinoda suddenly become an action hero. The building must disintegrate in slow motion or something, but a few seconds later it is rubble, but Shinoda crawls out of a hole and spots Yuki and Io.

Shinoda goes back to base camp on top of a building and calls Katagiri a particular part of the anatomy that waste solids move through. Shinoda has also found out that Orga wants to change the atmosphere to make it more suitable to their life, starting an empire on Earth. This will happen because they will use Regenerator G1 to become powerful.

Godzilla’s back! Big G is ticked off he hasn’t been in the film much lately, and has only one thing on his mind: Pussy! No, wait, it’s beating up Orga for being such a pathetic monster! Some of the Akira Ifukube score manages to get played, finally! Big G marches forward, and gets to Orga, who then flies away and lands on another building. Orga also sends some tentacles under the ground, where the emerge up and wrap around parts of Godzilla, ensnaring him and dragging him forward. Godzilla gets up, charges up his flames, and blasts away the tendrils. Godzilla then blasts the building and Orga as well. Orga just flies around, and Godzilla slaps him with his tail, sending Orga careening. Orga whips around, it’s gun blasts Godzilla, and Big G crashes into a nearby building. Orga then hovers over Godzilla, and emanates waves from the ship, destroying buildings and causing Godzilla even more damages. Buildings collapse onto Godzilla. Orga then sucks out some Regenerator G1 from Godzilla, absorbs it, and suddenly turns from a spaceship into some sort of walking jellyfish creature made of bad CGI. This creature drops down from the spaceship shell. The shell is blasted by Godzilla as he emerges from the wreckage, firing his atomic breath. A very very very slow piece of flaming debris lands in the command center area, but it is so slow everyone avoids it easily. Orga then looks like more of a Godzilla-looking jellyfish. Something like the aliens from ID4, a movie the special effects department must have watched fifty times that year. As of right now, Orga looks more like a cross between the Rancor and the Alien.

The two combatants fight. Old school style, all kicking and biting and punching. Orga has oversized giant hands which just look crazy. Orga also still has his blast cannon, now located on his back. He shoots Godzilla, and then the damaged UFO shell floats up, and rams Godzilla when Orga distracts him. Godzilla readies his breath, and the UFO moves to block, but the breath is too powerful, blasting through the UFO and damaging Orga. Orga then just regenerates instantly. Orga and Wolverine would probably have contests to see which one could regenerate various injuries faster. My money is on Wolverine, as he has his Bezerker attack! Snikt Snikt! Orga just has nothing. Orga is still on the ground, though, and Godzilla bits his arm. Orga returns the favor. Orga then starts to suck Regenerator G1 from Godzilla again, and starts turning more Godzilla-ish. Godzilla blasts his breath again and again, realizing what is happening, as Orga keeps regenerating. Orga is hit with a big atomic blast, but then emerges, and opens his mouth super-wide. Godzilla is all “WTF?”, but then the mouth opens even wider, like some sort of flower/vagina.

Japan is f–ked up.

Godzilla is Japanese, so also f–ked up, and is like “I’ll stick my head in that flower vagina mouth, why not?” Orga tries to swallow him whole, and begins turning even more Godzilla-like, growing spines and developing a taste for white wine. Godzilla then goes “How about some dessert with your dinner?” and fires off his atomic breath, inside Orga. That’s more than Orga can chew, and his entire upper region is blown to kingdom come. Orga’s headless body is still standing, until Godzilla roars and it just falls over, lifeless, and crumbles to dust.

“That’s ironic, it woke up after 60 million years, and Godzilla destroyed it the very next day!” says Yuki, who has the irony-grasping skills of Alanis Morissette, which means no irony-grasping skills at all. Rain on your wedding day, indeed. Also, it was destroyed TWO days later. Japan’s schools ain’t what they used to be.

Godzilla then stomps over to the base camp on top of a building, and everyone runs except Katagiri. Katagiri just lights a cigarette, because he’s too cool for school. “I’ve never seen Godzilla this close before!” He won’t leave, and punches off Shinoda who tries to pull him away. Katagiri then yells “Gozillaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!” and Godzilla tires of this insect, smashing part of the building, killing Katagiri. Maybe Godzilla just doesn’t like tobacco. Godzilla roars, and then stomps off. Here come the terrible lines!

“We scientists produced this monster – Godzilla – and ever since we try to destroy him” says Miyasaka. We cut back to shots of Godzilla smashing up Tokyo, set to no sound at all. “But then why, why does he keep protecting us?” asks Yuki.

The answer to this question is the worst line in the film. It is different from the Japanese version, but we must include it for completeness sake. Shinoda answers “Maybe, because, Godzilla is inside each one of us!” What the freaking hell is that? As I said earlier, I saw this film in theaters opening night with a grand total of 8 people (only one of which was a girl) and EVERYONE groaned out loud at that line. The girl even added “Oh, my God!” because it was so bad. The line is the dumbest phrase uttered in the history of Godzilla films, and these are films with space cockroaches and Jet Jaguar.

Hey, let’s go over the Japanese version of these last three lines:
Miyasaka starts out with “The recklessness of science gave birth to you, Godzilla. Why do you appear before us?” Yuki concludes “Because we humans gave birth to this monster,” making her less of a moron but more redundant in the Japanese ending. It is odd that she and Miyasaka got their lines mixed around, but the ultimate quote by Shinoda becomes “Godzilla is… inside all of us!” This is still dumb, but worded slightly less awkward. Not less awkward enough. Let’s just forget this whole section happened.

Godzilla expresses his rage at the terrible dialogue by doing a 360 degree atomic breath blast on the city of Tokyo. That will teach you to utter dumb lines, Shinoda! As a post-script, the original ending said “The End” and then had a giant ? appear, which looked really cheesy. So cheesy Toho had it removed, yet they left in the dumb “Godzilla in each of us” line. That should tell you how big and cheesy it was.

That’s it for this disappointment. But March of Godzilla 2 is continuing, so be sure to check back soon. Until then, we leave you with the required interview…

Minya here with the TarsTarkas.NET interview of Orga!
What’s buzzin’, cousin?
Orga, many people were disappointed with your appearance in the film.
Well, there were script problems from day one. Originally my name was Carl, and I was a giant Tapir who was fueled by the nightmares of children. But then the director was deathly afraid of Tapirs, having been attacked by them as a boy. He changed me to an invading alien, but his alcoholic problems forced him off the set and his name purged from all records of the film. In fact, if I mention his name here, Toho will kill me and my extended family.
I see. Which of your many forms is your favorite?
Hey, kid, do you got some Regenerator G1 you can spare?
Can’t say I do. Now back to the question…
This room is kind of stuffy. Let’s continue this conversation inside my mouth…
What the–?! Get the Hell away from me!
I got a box of puppies in my mouth! Just crawl inside, I won’t steal your lifeforce, honest!
That’s it, I’m outta here!
Now who will I injest and become now?
Hi, do you know where the nearest In ‘n Out Burger is? I got a hankering for some fries, animal style!
MuHahahahahahahaha HA!
Ha HA!

Rated 3/10 (Sub, Regenerator G1, Godzillaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!)




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Written by Tars Tarkas

Tars Tarkas

Runs this joint!