Tera Jism Aur Mera Dil (Review)
Tera Jism Aur Mera Dil
aka Tera Jism Our Mera Dil
???? as Suret
???? as Mami
???? as Doli
???? as Pajama Pimp
???? as Dunkin Donuts Guy
Directed by Ragava Rao
Tera Jism Aur Mera Dil is an Indian “erotic” film. Please note the quotes. There are several points that can be brought up here thanks to the term Indian “erotic” film. First of all, many of you know that Indian films become controversial if actors and actresses even KISS on screen, much less do the bedroom bam-bam. Fire director Deepa Mehta was criticized for having lesbians (and lesbians named after Hindu gods for worse!) and eventually had to no longer make films in India, while Kama Sutra director Mira Nair had her filmed banned in both India and Pakistan. There was even problems with the terrible C U at 9 film because the characters dared kiss and imply sex. No one mentions anything bad happening to the creators of Tera Jism Aur Mera Dil, mostly because there is absolutely no information about this film. Anywhere. The opening title and final “End” are also both presented in full screen, while the film is entirely widescreen. That, and the fact the film seems to have been edited by a weedwacker undergoing an LSD trip, provides a mess of confusion, and works into my theory that this film doesn’t want us to know anything about it. Least anyone find out that people from India like to have the sex (there’s only a billion of them, so they must be entirely chaste!) and go after the actors and actresses here (some of the women are probably on lone from the local real brothel.) So instead of filling you with lots of background information and giving you lots of fun facts, I’m drawing a big blank. There is little if any connection to films we’ve reviewed before, and there will be likely no connection to anything we review in the future. Tera Jism Aur Mera Dil is destined to be alone, stranded in the wilderness of TarsTarkas.NET to be rarely mentioned again.
The film is undoubtedly NOT erotic. It is in fact the opposite of erotic. It is derotic. The cheap VCD I got also has zero subtitles, thus confining the plot of the film to guesswork. There is some sort of plot, as someone ends up getting stabbed with a scythe at the end, but the particulars aren’t exactly forthcoming. So enjoy the guesswork. Even without the product being explained, one can recognize a stinker when you smell it. And this one’s stench is undeniable, reeking from across the globe all the way from its home in India, plaguing the land and killing crops. The print of the film was stored in a room full of running power sanders, where it was thrown around the room by many moving fans, thus causing the rapid decay in film print quality. Third generation bootleg tapes have been known to be clearer. From what I can figure out, there are essentially two movies going on simultaneously, and they do not connect in the slightest. Godfrey Ho would be proud. Movie A is the main flick, with Suret the horse boy. Movie B is a “hilarious” brothel romp that is not hilarious and downright stupid. Enough complaining, but we must get started. One cannot escape their destiny, and we’re on a mission from God to get through Tera Jism Aur Mera Dil so you don’t have to. The quest begins!
Most of these names are guesses. There are NO credits for the actors, and no subtitles, and no one speaking clearly due to garbled sound. The sound also is probably dubbed into a Hindu dialect different from the one it is filmed in, and thus names are educated guesses or outright lies.
A fair warning: the term “Jumpcut” will be used a lot in this review, because a lot of jumpcuts happen. That’s what happens when you hire a seven-year-old street orphan to edit the film.
Local Indian servant Suret is sleeping in his room when his mistress Mami comes to wake him up. Suret heads to go take Mami’s horse for a ride, wearing a leather jacket like he’s the Fonz. The music that is used is filled with drums, and he rides in semi-slow-motion. After his ride, Suret peeps on Mami as she is in the shower, but she is still wearing some clothes (this is India, after all!) In the middle of the action of the camera focusing on her wet body wrapped in an Indian dress we get a hard jumpcut. Did they show a tad too much wet girl, and had to cut it to keep the local cinema from being filled with men filled with crazed sex-passion? No, we find out they just put the rest of the shower scene later in the film. After the shower, a fully dressed and makeupped Mami comes into Suret’s room (which consists of just a cot) and sits on his cot, playing that she’s worried. This is compete speculation, based on the lack of me understanding Hindu or whatever language they are speaking. It looks like they may kiss, but the scene cuts away again in another rough jumpcut.
Suddenly (because of the prior jumpcut), Mami’s female friend Doli arrives. The old friends hug, but Doli is impressed by bad boy Suret’s physique as he shirtlessly washes the horse and gives her an intense stare. Doli hugs Mami extra long and hard in order to get a lengthier look at Suret, and makes Mami uncomfortable due to the duration of the hug. Doli winks at Suret as she leaves to go inside. Later, Doli gets all whored up, wearing midrift bearing clothes and comes to put the moves on Suret. I guess we don’t need any background information on how Mami and Doli are getting along, or even a few sentences that explain their relationship together (even if Doli was what Mami was worried about earlier, the film does nothing that shows how they act together, and jumps right to Doli trying to get her freak on. Now, that’s what the public wants, but it makes the movie that much more horrible. Doli is ready to ride (the horse I mean, but she also looks ready to ride Suret as well!) Suret saddles up the horse as the cameraman makes it very clear to us that the horse is a male. Thanks, cameraman! Doli’s hand moves a little too close to the horse wang for my tastes, and the soundtrack is blaring out a “Hey Hey Hey” song by some Indian girl who might just be reading a Fat Albert transcript. The two get on the horse and ride around a bit. Are you feeling super sexy yet? Keep in mind these are the same people who wrote the Kama Sutra, exotic Inida, land of sensuality, where some people ride a horse or something.
Movie B rears its ugly head for the first of many times, as a guy in bright orange pajamas and a sleeping hat with a scarf puts on sunglasses. He’s joined by the guy from the old Dunkin Donuts commercials that went “Time to make the donuts” (or at least his Indian counterpart). He and the Pajamas Pimp, who may or may not be named Emi, discuss some things that Indian guys discuss, and Pajamas whispers the last item into Dunkin’s ear, causing him to get all excited and make Jerry Lewis-style pratfalls. Dunkin gives him a big wad of cash and Pajamas laughs. Hey, let’s get back to the actual movie, Suret is sleeping by the horse when the whored-out Doli returns, demanding he give her a boost so she can grab some figs from the fig tree he was sleeping under. He does, but she does a fall on him, and suddenly we have a jumpcut that blindsides us like NFL linebackers would take out a golfer. We’re back to Movie B and Dunkin again, and we find out that instead of making donuts, he’s interested in busting his nut. He’s with several women in the room, because it’s a whorehouse. Dunkin gives the Mamasan money, and then takes one of the girls upstairs. We don’t get to see anything, though. For all we know they actually made donuts!
Now, an old guy is in bed his wife Mami, as we see her husband for some of the few fleeting glimpses he’ll appear in the film. His geriatric age is probably why she’s so sexually frustrated, but the issue is not explored at all. Mami brings water and pills to him while Doli sleeps outside. The soundtrack goes bizarre as a red glow comes from the horse stable. Now, there aren’t aliens attacking, or a portal to Hell (either would have been cooler.) Doli awakens thinking of Suret and rubbing her legs together. We see more of the prior scenes of her lusting in brief shots, with Doli and Suret making out in some of the locations that we didn’t see them kissing at before. Doli gets up and looks around, but Suret is not inside the stable. Instead, he’s asleep atop a haystack, and she joins him. Finding him was as hard as finding a Suret in a haystack, which isn’t very hard and I’m not really sure where this not-really-a-pun was suppose to go, so let’s change gears. Soon they are rolling in the hay. They haystack camera is bouncing up and down, simulating the sex they aren’t showing us. Yep, all we get to see is some bouncing hay. Bounce, bounce, bounce. Lame, lame, lame. Doli is writhing in lust. The next morning the two are all in love and hugging and kissing as he washes the horse again. What is with the freaking horse? All he does is wash the horse, ride the horse, or sleep while the horse is nearby. Is this some sort of messed up version of Equuis?
Back to Movie B, as Dunkin is at the whore house again. Oh, Dunkin, will you ever learn? Mamasan sets him up with the same hooker as before (while she’s also sexually stroking a fruit?), Dunkin lays down some more cash, then starts laying pipe. Hey, kissing, and underwear! We might be getting a real sex scene here. Kissing of legs, kissing near boobs, opening of shirt…DENIED!!! Indian jerks!
We go back to the real story, Movie A, where Suret is wearing a Rage Against the Machine shirt (what???) as Mami talks to him. He’s a renegade of funk with a pocketful of shells. Doli also arrives, and the two girls wiggle their noses at each other like they are on Bewitched. The scene then cuts mid-sentence as Suret is talking, and suddenly he is in his room at night in bed, as Mami is licking her lips at him. Wait, she’s not really there, this is a dream and Doli wakes him up. Or something, as this is the most confusing part of the film, I’ve seen rotting fruit that made more cinematic sense than what I just saw. After that, we get some more shower peeping, the clothed shower peeping, with this scene going on for longer than the first, but with the same key players in the same roles. Almost as if the scene was spread out by just using extra footage to create a second shower scene out of thin air. But they would never do that! Later, Mami goes into Suret’s room, just as like last time after the shower, only this time they actually kiss. The rough jumpcut still happens right afterwards, though. Now Suret is outside on the haystack at night, and he is still kissing Mani, and we get some more bouncing haystack action. We then rough jumpcut from that to Mani on the floor of Suret’s room, writhing in her feminine horniness in exotic India. There is also a fly buzzing around her, which the actress just ignores, as flies are a common occurrence when you are writhing on the floor in feminine horniness. Suret is up on his cot, and comes down to cool her loins. They kiss, and suddenly Suret is in the shower. Mami is there as well, clothed as usual. Suret is also wearing underwear now. This is just sad.
Hey, remember Doli? No? PAY ATTENTION!!! Well, she’s looking at the horse and getting horny as well. The director is far too focused on horse symbolism for my taste. Unless that horse is about to speak a la Mr. Ed or Hot to Trot, enough with the horse imagery! Doli is still horny regardless, and dressed in red, so Suret comes into her room (which is complete with many horse statues and drawings!) to give her a massage. He pours oil on her back, and then massages her back then front. She’s clothed all this time, but it ends with them kissing.
Jumpcut to Movie B, as Dunkin Donut Guy is at it again, with a different girl up in the brothel room. He reaches for her clumsily, and almost falls off the bed. This is important enough they repeat it in case we missed it. Jumpcut again to Dunkin in a different room with a new girl. This new girl is actually attractive, and she takes off her top! BOOBS!! Finally. Let’s celebrate with cake! Boob cake. Another jumpcut brings us to Dunkin with another girl, who also gets topless, but she’s considerably less attractive. Cancel the cake. Boob cake. On second thought, the cake stays! The soundtrack has moved to a energy/SciFi-ish song, as well as dubbed in female moaning sounds despite them not even remotely matching her lip movements. The soundtrack then suddenly switches to some saxophone jazz. It’s like the film knew I was mentally attacking the soundtrack and I willed it to change. Don’t deny me this joy, the only thing getting me through the endless Dunkin Donuts Guy with ugly women scenes are my fantasies that I can destroy this film at any time. Still, the sex scene is pretty un-sexy. If I wanted to see the Dunkin Donuts Guy plow some large woman, I’d commission a specialty porn of that myself. Where is the jumpcut when you need it? HELP!!!
Jumpcut saves the day again, except it’s still with Dunkin Donuts Guy, and now he’s trying to take on the Mamasan!!! She’s even less attractive, it’s like Dunkin Donuts Guy is desperate to move down in the world. Or maybe he’s after her years and years of experience. Still, she’s keeping clothed, despite their three minute pseudo-sex sequence. Mamasan also practices ventriloquism moaning, with sounds coming while her mouth is shut, and when it opens, silence. The sex scene is even worse than the ones before, it’s outsexied by your local priest putting the moves on you. Suddenly, she pulls off Dunkin Donuts Guy’s toupee, and smacks him with it! What is with that? Jumpcutting away keeps us from knowing.
Suret is outside at the house, and pours some liquid into water. He says “What an idea!” in English (finally something I can understand) and pours liquid on the ground. Meanwhile, Mami tries to shower, but the water doesn’t work. She goes to get Suret to help, and walks over where he poured the liquid, and starts to slip and fall. Suret rushes to catch her, but she’s instead caught by Doli. Next, Suret is gardening when he gets a new idea. Mami comes out to pick some flowers while he hides and watches her. It takes forever for her to get near whatever he did; a long, torturous process of boredom watching some woman pick flowers. Obviously, this is the most erotic film to ever come out of India. Finally, Mami gets near where Suret dug a hole for her foot to get caught in. She does, and starts to stumble, so Suret sprints across the yard and catches her, she falls on him and they roll on the ground, but are interrupted by Doli who has come to help Mami, foiling Suret’s bizarre fondling plan again. We’ve moved from “erotic” brothel, peeping, haystack, and horse-inspired sex into the realm of groping erotism. I think we are on a downward spiral away from ertoticism into the depths of grossout theater.
Movie B, and more adventures of Dunkin Donuts Guy. He pays again downstairs at the brothel and then goes upstairs. The lady downstairs is playing with a large, schlong-shaped fruit, as Mamasan was earlier. Jumpcut back to Suret, who is shirtless and washing the horse again. Doli sees him and gets rather randy again. Jumpcut back to Dunkin Donuts Guy (make up your freaking mind, movie!), who is with the girl upstairs and she is nude in the upstairs regions. Jumpcut back to Movie A at the house, while Mami falls down the stairs and Suret catches her. She’s upset and he just laughs. I hope the film moves beyond the “trip and catch” subplot it has turned into. Later, she’s outside watering the garden and Doli strolls up, and they begin to have an argument.
LESBIANS!!! Not Doli and Mami, but these are two different girls back at the brothel. Not super attractive, but for this movie these girls are 8’s or 8.5’s. They’re also naked, so that’s a bonus. We leave the lesbians behind for Movie A, back to the house, Doli tells Suret about her feelings for him or something, and he rejects her. She runs off and cries. That conversation didn’t need to be translated to be understood. Mami has flashbacks of Suret attempting to catch her, and she becomes more and more upset. Not upset enough to do anything, though, as we go back to the brothel. Dunkin Donut Guy is trying to get on the good side of Mamasan, giving her a bunch of gold jewelry he acquired due to his massive donut empire. She then lets him have another girl, but then he goes “huh?” and suddenly the Sunglasses wearing orange Pajamas dude is having sex with the girl in the brothel! That is totally out of left field! This sex scene is the Energizer Bunny of Indian film sex scenes, as it keeps going and going and going. The background music runs out, and they have to restart it. At least the girl is naked, so it’s not entirely boring, but nothing worth writing home about. Not that I send letters to my parents about films where pimps wearing pajamas have sex with women. Much. Anymore. After the injunction. Dunking Donuts Guy is upset and dejected, until the Mamasan shows him a mole on her stomach, and suddenly he knows that she is the girl he’s been looking for, and they go off together.
Wait a freaking minute, this whole thing was Dunkin Donut Guy’s search for a particular girl who has a mole? He already almost slept with her, and didn’t notice it then? Probably, due to this film being chopped to shreds, the scene with him and her was supposed to take place at the end, and it became all mixed up when they combined it with Movie A. Or he’s just freaking stupid. Speaking of Movie A, it’s about to have a tragic ending.
Tragic if you’re Suret, that is. The audience is heartened by the ending, as it is slightly satisfying. Suret is trying to force himself onto Mami, and Doli grabs a huge curved blade and yells at Suret, then slices him up, killing him. YES!! At least one of these characters in this despicable film dies a horrible death, and that’s great. Unfortunately, the film ends before the last characters can also die, but I’ll take my victories where I can get them. So long, Suret, you bastard!
That’s the end of Tera Jism Aur Mera Dil, which stops just afterwards. So now we bid goodbye to this mess of a disaster of an attempt to entertain us erotically. Instead, we get nothing entertaining, erotic or otherwise. We get nothing. The surviving print should be put back in the barrel of acid they must have been storing it in and keep it there until it dissolves away into nothingness. Although it is interesting to see how different parts of the world had to deal with various morphologies of the erotic movie, when things like this pop up you just have to go back and hide in your hole. Old nudies where people just wander around a park have more to offer, and provide something more people would be seeking, non-creepy eroticism. It is nice to note that the Desi cinema had changed to the point where it was following the trail of the 1960’s roughies like In Hot Blood where people have to die bloodily at the end, a form of release for the audience who couldn’t get the job finished in the theater. Speaking of release, let’s finish this mother off, and release us from our torture! Goodbye, Tera Jism Aur Mera Dil, and get the Hell out of here, never to return!
Rated 3/10 (Bouncing Hay, Horse Riding, Clothed Showering)
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