2007 Tarsies Winners!!!

The 2007 Tarsies have arrived with the winners! Why announce now, instead of waiting until the Razzies or the Oscars? Because that’s the way we roll at TarsTarkas.NET!

Worst Movie
Wicker Man — Again: YouTube link. Nick Cage in a Bear Suit punching women and scaring children is the winner!

Worst Sequel
Scary Movie 4 — This one is tough as the worst of the worst are all direct to DVD sequels, so we’re stuck with the popular crap. The Scary Movie franchise sunk to new levels of PG-13 junk, where were the glory days of R-rated spoofs? Camp just isn’t camp anymore when you need to keep it clean, by which they make every other joke about bodily functions. Hey, did you ever wonder what The Grudge would be like if the guy had a boner? Someone in Hollywood did, and that alone is a frightening though. Expect Scary Movie 5 to get nominated in another year or two.

Worst Unnecessary Remake>
Pulse — Almost all remakes are unnecessary, so this one is doubly so. The original Japanese film was a boring, slow, dreary piece that attempted to show the isolation of modern society as well as put in some horror elements, but instead it just put the audience to sleep (unless you are one of the KAIRO SECRET DEFENDERS that think this is the greatest movie since sliced bread, but you also probably think Battle Royale should have won an oscar so you automatically are ignored.) The US version gets remaked to be more of a random horror film, throwing in Veronica Mars and special effects shots from the five year old original movie, but removing some of the only interesting scenes, like the suicide jump. The thought that people will turn into black goo thanks to Internet ghosts was retarded in 2001, and is retarded now.

Worst Direct to TV Movie
KOMODO VS. COBRA — We get about 1 minute of actual Komodo vs. Cobra action, the rest is just random filler, 90% of the script from Curse of the Komodo, and the director pretty much admitting in interviews that he likes free trips to Hawaii. The last two parts could have been easily forgiven had we had more Komodo vs. Cobra action! Never have to worry about reloading your gun, in the world of KvC you have unlimited ammo, but not unlimited lives, as characters get eaten or stomped left and right. But helicopters are invincible, so escape is always an option. There is no escape from the film, however, unless you hit the eject button or turn the channel away from SciFi.

Worst DTV Movie
Bratz: Babyz the Movie — Bratz are the worst toyline ever created. They are more preposterous than those “Trolls for boys” toys that had two competing lines in the 1990s. Bratz teach only one thing: How your little girl can be a brainless slut. Thanks to Bratz Babyz, now they can learn before they even leave the crib. As the pedophiles take a break from trolling MySpace, they can always go down the toy aisle and smile, as each new class at the local elementary school gets trashier and trashier. These “babiez” may have a “passion for fashion”, but I have a passion for nuking the Bratz factory from orbit. It’s the only way to be sure.

Worst DTV Sequel
Dark Harvest 3: Scarecrow — Dark Harvest is a no-name franchise that doesn’t deserve sequels. And no one bothered to make them, either, but that didn’t stop the producers from snatching up the latest “made it in my backyard with my friends for $500” movie to somehow show up at a trade show, give it neat box art, and send it out to the masses. What’s even odder, is they named this “sequel” after a similar franchise, the Scarecrow movies, and they also are terrible amateur hackjobs, but I’d sit through a Scarecrow movies marathon before I even looked at the DVD case of this monstrosity again. Films like this are killing the horror DTV industry, as investors shy away having been burnt too many times, the few people actually making good films will be locked out of the market along with all the rest of the losers like these guys. No one wins in the end.

Best Worst Asylum fake movie
Dragon — I admit I am biased, and even that When a Killer Calls was actually better than the movie it bit off, but since we did a joint review with FantasyFilmscapes.com, Dragon became a movie that took up far too much of my time to dismiss so easily. It was still full of the Asylum’s recent knockoff staples; such as familiar actors, bad CGI, bad acting, and keeping everything inside a forest. What made it stand out? Nothing, which is the same for every other knockoff film they’ve made. If I didn’t have some sort of connection to the film by spending 2-3 weeks going over it, I wouldn’t even remember it. The rest have all faded into the abyss, and hopefully The Asylum’s Knockoff wing will do so as well unless they start producing some higher quality stuff.

That’s it for 2007. Join us next year, when we do this all over again. New year, new crap, new awards, new movies so bad you hide under your bed, and a new terrible nominations list from the Razzies. It all comes together, and the Tarsies will be ready to get awarded again in 2008!

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Written by Tars Tarkas

Tars Tarkas

Runs this joint!