Bikini Girls on Dinosaur Planet
Misty Mundae (Erin Brown) as Oook
Tina Krause (Mia Copia) as Eegads
Ruby Larocca as Eeek and Dr. Ruby
Cherry Moonshine (Zoe Moonshine) as Captain Moonshine
Lilly Tiger as Una
Directed by William Hellfire
Seduction Cinema is at it again, putting out another cheesefest under the guess of a parody/sex film. Bikini Girls on Dinosaur Planet is exceptional in one respect, it’s exceptionally awful, agonizing, excruciating pain. Despite its short running time of 53 minutes, this joins the many many many other Seduction Cinema films that have scripts around three pages long, and just throw in lengthy lesbian sex scenes to fill the rest of the gap. Vampire Vixens and That 70’s Girl both had a minimum of plot and a maximum of lengthy sex scenes that became uninteresting. BGODP (as we’ll call it from now on) does manage to not have sex scenes run longer for more than six minutes, so that is the only advantage it has over its contemporaries. This advantage is ruined by the many long scenes and toilet humor. The toilet humor involving farting, crapping, and burping dinosaurs, as well as cave girls throwing other cave girls into giant puddles of crap, are an insult to toilet humor. One can only imagine the Toilet Duck of commercials past is mobilizing an army of duck weapons to take down this threat to toilets everywhere. Unfortunately, Toilet Duck seems to have been replaced by a CGI monstrosity! Jerks!
The basic plot is prehistoric lesbians do some lesbian things, while watched by space lesbians. Also, some dinosaurs engage in bodily functions. As per Seduction Cinema standard on TarsTarkas.NET, I shall be documenting the length of the sex scenes, because most of them aren’t interesting enough to pay attention to besides that.
Now, I am not knocking the acting talents of the four ladies who play cavewomen, but as none of them speak anything besides repeating “Oook” and “caca” over and over, there isn’t much dialogue in the film. To make up for that, the writers concocted that the lesbian cavewomen were being observed by lesbian scientists, probably from the lesbian galaxy. This means that Captain Ruby narrates for 90% of the film that sex or cavegirl “oook”ing isn’t going on. Thus Captain Ruby has long speeches that are supposed to be humorous in a campy way, but just end up being humorous in a WTF? way. Some of those gems will be pointed out when we get to them. She also manages to give some of her speeches while she’s supposed to be being eaten out by her pilot, Captain Moonshine. Uhhhh…there’s a nasty joke here, but I won’t be venturing into that territory!
Instead, let’s just venture into the film at large! First, the cast, which was difficult to piece together, as IMDB is wrong again, and several actresses are going by different names. The whole thing is a mess, and I wouldn’t be surprised if I got something wrong as well.
The credits will get a mention, with names flying by for the actresses, then suddenly the credit speed increases threefold with the rest of the crew. Since they seemed to be desperate to pad this thing, why did they sprint through the last half of the credits? Makes no sense! Gah! This whole film just doesn’t work!
The film begins in an episode of Babylon 5. Seriously. The Babylon 5 jumpgate activates, and a space vessel flies out. I guess Babylon 5 has stopped worrying about Shadow Wars and Chekov because now all they do is look for lesbians to study. A voiceover gives the orders to the ship to seek out and record some primitive lesbian communities. I want to apply for this research grant. Anyway, we cut inside the vessel, where Dr. Moonshine explains to us that prehistoric lesbians could become violently chaotic if threatened. That’s good to know, don’t threaten prehistoric lesbians. Both her and ship officer Captain Ruby hope to witness acts of debauchery, as does the audience, I gather. Dr. Moonshine tells us much of this while speaking directly to the audience, reminding one of YouTube and Vlogging. Vlogging being the dumbest word ever invented, but besides that point, I will characterize all of Captain Moonshine’s communiqués with the audiences as Lonelygil13 + Lesbians = Lesbiangirl13. I’d subscribe! Wait, no I wouldn’t…
Watch this thrilling episode of Babylon 5 here!
As the CGI planet shows, this Dinosaur Planet has the same continent configuration as Earth, which means it is either: Not prehistoric, Not Dinosaur Planet, or Not produced by a company that cares for accuracy like that. After some connections issues (they are using the tiniest TV in the world) we go down to the surface, where some CGI dinosaurs go by. To say they are historically accurate would mean I would have to lie. TarsTarkas.NET has a policy of brutal honesty, so we’ll just say these dinosaurs look worse than the old Playskool Definitely Dinosaurs line.
Down on the planet, there is a magenta-haired cavewoman named Eeek who looks mysteriously like Dr. Ruby… Eeek is accosted by some random cavedude with trim blonde hair and a penchant for making wacky faces, and Eeek smashes his face with his own spear. This produces QUITE a lot of blood on the unconscious male aggressor. The lesbian cavedweller Misty Mundae (Oook) and Lily Tiger (Una) are picking nits off each other, when Eeek wanders by. “A lesbian cavedweller will never refuse a fellow lesbian in need” we are told by Dr. Ruby, and of course what this needy lesbian cavedweller needed was sex with two other girls. Lesbian Cavedwellers: Always helping others. So the first sex scene begins, where the two girls go to town on newcomer Eeek. Full frontal for both Eeek and Misty, while Una is given the shaft. After four minutes of action, Cavegirl Number 4 comes along, she is the queen, Eegads. Eegads comes equipped with a cave dildo that she shoves into Eeek. Or so it seems, as this attempt to simulate penetration is laughable at best. Two more minutes of this add up to six whole minutes of sex scene. Captain Ruby and Dr. Moonshine are enthralled, and stare intently. The cavegirls finish up and go back to doing what lesbian cavegirls do when not munching carpet: picking fruit.
Luckily for them, someone left some kiwi fruit just lying around the forest, and they start eating. “Fruit – nature’s aphrodisiac!” – Captain Moonshine. Dr. Moonshine then goes on a long speech about the importance of foreplay. The lesbian cavegirls eat more and more fruit, becoming more and more horny, as fruit is known to do. While Captain Ruby plays with her dirty pillows, Una sees Eeek eating a kiwi, and becomes stimulated by the fruit eating action. Dr. Moonshine tells us Una’s mind becomes like a man’s mind, and Una moves in for some sex. Some violently aggressive sex, and Una wants to take it by any means necessary. “I think that is wonderful!” says Captain Moonshine. Hold the phone, is Dr. Moonshine advocating lesbian rape? Lesbian rape due to warping Malcolm X quotes? What in the world of Dinosaur Planet is going on here?
Dr. Moonshine is also getting her muff dived by Dr. Ruby, so maybe she’s not quite in her right mind. We jump back and forth between the attempted sex on the planet and the spaceship sex on the spaceship, three minutes each, adding up to six minutes. The Queen cavegirl Eegads throws Una off Eeek, and the two fight. The fight is intercut with a triceratops farting. Yeah. Queen Eegads then goes up to Eeek and then they have sex. Sex that is interrupted by farting dinosaurs. Seriously. A sentence I thought I’d never write, but there it is. Farting, crapping dinosaurs. Dino-diarrhea. Four minutes of sex topped off with dinosaur defecation. Bleh.
Captain Moonshine is obsessed with rape. “Too bad, I was hoping that she would take into consideration that this girl could be sexually repressed and allow her to gain fulfillment by completely disregarding her actions.” That is the quote of the century, right there.
Eeek needs to go take a crap as well. Please, movie, don’t show her pooping as well! Please, movie, I beg you! BEGGGGGG!!! Thankfully, Eeek runs behind a tree, but not before putting her bikini bottoms on the middle of the forest floor near a big puddle of mud. Queen Eegads and the rest of the Bikini Girls finds the bottoms and assume that Eeek has fallen into the pit, and they get sticks to try and get her out. Eeek returns and laughs at them, because the mud is really crap, and keeps saying “caca”. I’ve seen YouTube videos better than this. Why have I mentioned YouTube twice in this review? Damn YouTube!
“As disgusting as this display of events may seem, it certainly serves a valid purpose” says Captain Moonshine. Yeah, it pads the film!!! Dr. Moonshine continues by telling us that Eeek thinks she can get away with anything, so the group will retaliate, making an example of her to other mad lesbians. I guess mad lesbians are a common problem on Dinosaur Planet. The lesbians will play a trick on her, then they will all have a big sex-o-thon. The cavegirls throw Eeek into the caca!
Facefirst and naked, Eeek lands with a splat. She stops moving for a bit, then gets up. Back in the spaceship, Captain Ruby and Dr. Moonshine have stopped paying attention to the action and are just getting it on, Buster and Babs style. Hey, Captain Ruby is pierced! Three minutes of spaceship sex, while down below they take Eeek to get washed off, which quickly turns into a lesbian foursome. Maybe even moresome, as the ending has footage which I am told is from Erotic Survivor, a film I haven’t seen and have no desire to. But at least the mud in that film is probably mud, and not dinosaur crap. Between the sex below and pooping back in on the spaceship, we add five more minutes to the running time before the credits roll, and then the film keeps going and going with the stock shots.
Conclusions by Captain Moonshine: “It was far more fulfilling to be a lesbian cavedweller 2000 years before Christ than a human consumer in the present.” Where to start with that statement? How about I respond by just ending the review! Take that, Dr. Ruby, Doctor of Internet Degrees!
Fun fact: fossilized dinosaur poop is known as coprolite. Fun fact: so is this movie.
Rated 1/10 (A pool of steaming crap)
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One Million AC/DC
“This film meets requirements set forth in the code of the ADULT FILM PRODUCERS ASSOCIATION.” Too bad it doesn’t meet requirements set forth by GOOD FILMMAKING!
AC/DC is a detestable mess full of repulsive, greasy actors going at it like chimpanzees on Spanish fly. The incomparable One Million AC/DC is on a DVD with The Mighty Gorga, and probably because they both share a common T-Rex puppet used for bad special effects. The puppet, however, is the pinnacle of effects in AC/DC, as opposed to the low point in The Mighty Gorga. They get worse, much worse. The puppet isn’t even used half the time, otherwise it is a static plastic toy tyrannosaurs who moved by a hand just below the fake mountains. Now, bad special effects can be forgiven if there is a good story. There story here is just an excuse to get the cast naked so the audience can get off. Written by Akdon Telmig, who you might know better as Ed Wood, Jr.!!! Yes, after becoming a depressed alcoholic, Ed Wood was forced to write semi-adult films under pseudonyms. Besides this mess, he also wrote the cult classic about a Venus flytrap man The Revenge of Dr. X, which we’ll be reviewing the second we get a hold of a copy. The one redeeming factor on the film’s terrible pun title is you can make jokes about AC/DC songs: “He’s got big balls, And she’s got big balls, But we’ve got the biggest balls of them all” That would get old quick, so we won’t be doing it. The plot is around a tribe of cavepeople, and their sex, orgies, sacrifices, and winemaking. Exciting stuff, and historically accurate, just like the movies The Patriot and Braveheart.
The Mighty Gorga
Anthony Eisley as Mark Remington
Megan Timothy as April Adams
Scott Brady as Dan Morgan
Kent Taylor as Tonga Jack Adams
Bruce Kimball as The Witch Doctor/Mort the Clown
Lee Parrish as George
Greydon Clark as Charlie the Elephant ticket seller
Directed by David L. Hewitt
One of the worst rip-offs of King Kong ever, even worse than Queen Kong (which is an epic chore to sit through itself), this masterpiece of horrible filmmaking sinks below the chum of the crap, a benchmark that is not easily passed by those trying to create a worse giant gorilla film. Sure, that genre has some terrible entries: the aforementioned Queen Kong, King Kong Escapes (though I like this one), the Mighty Joe Young remake, A*P*E, the upcoming Kinky Kong, and the classic porn masterpiece King Dong. Giant ape movies will be with us forever, and some of them go on forever like the Peter Jackson version of King Kong. The Mighty Gorga is mercifully short, the best feature of the entire film.
A woman is chained as sacrifice because she is the next victim of the Mighty Gorgo! As we all know how this works from the various King Kong films, the movie doesn’t even bother to explain what is going on. They then jump right into a circus, as lion taming happens during the opening credits, something every version of King Kong can’t claim to have, so that’s one point for The Mighty Gorga.
Tera Jism Aur Mera Dil
aka Tera Jism Our Mera Dil
???? as Suret
???? as Mami
???? as Doli
???? as Pajama Pimp
???? as Dunkin Donuts Guy
Directed by Ragava Rao
Tera Jism Aur Mera Dil is an Indian “erotic” film. Please note the quotes. There are several points that can be brought up here thanks to the term Indian “erotic” film. First of all, many of you know that Indian films become controversial if actors and actresses even KISS on screen, much less do the bedroom bam-bam. Fire director Deepa Mehta was criticized for having lesbians (and lesbians named after Hindu gods for worse!) and eventually had to no longer make films in India, while Kama Sutra director Mira Nair had her filmed banned in both India and Pakistan. There was even problems with the terrible C U at 9 film because the characters dared kiss and imply sex. No one mentions anything bad happening to the creators of Tera Jism Aur Mera Dil, mostly because there is absolutely no information about this film. Anywhere. The opening title and final “End” are also both presented in full screen, while the film is entirely widescreen. That, and the fact the film seems to have been edited by a weedwacker undergoing an LSD trip, provides a mess of confusion, and works into my theory that this film doesn’t want us to know anything about it. Least anyone find out that people from India like to have the sex (there’s only a billion of them, so they must be entirely chaste!) and go after the actors and actresses here (some of the women are probably on lone from the local real brothel.) So instead of filling you with lots of background information and giving you lots of fun facts, I’m drawing a big blank. There is little if any connection to films we’ve reviewed before, and there will be likely no connection to anything we review in the future. Tera Jism Aur Mera Dil is destined to be alone, stranded in the wilderness of TarsTarkas.NET to be rarely mentioned again.
The film is undoubtedly NOT erotic. It is in fact the opposite of erotic. It is derotic. The cheap VCD I got also has zero subtitles, thus confining the plot of the film to guesswork. There is some sort of plot, as someone ends up getting stabbed with a scythe at the end, but the particulars aren’t exactly forthcoming. So enjoy the guesswork. Even without the product being explained, one can recognize a stinker when you smell it. And this one’s stench is undeniable, reeking from across the globe all the way from its home in India, plaguing the land and killing crops. The print of the film was stored in a room full of running power sanders, where it was thrown around the room by many moving fans, thus causing the rapid decay in film print quality. Third generation bootleg tapes have been known to be clearer. From what I can figure out, there are essentially two movies going on simultaneously, and they do not connect in the slightest. Godfrey Ho would be proud. Movie A is the main flick, with Suret the horse boy. Movie B is a “hilarious” brothel romp that is not hilarious and downright stupid. Enough complaining, but we must get started. One cannot escape their destiny, and we’re on a mission from God to get through Tera Jism Aur Mera Dil so you don’t have to. The quest begins!
The 2007 Tarsies have arrived with the winners! Why announce now, instead of waiting until the Razzies or the Oscars? Because that’s the way we roll at TarsTarkas.NET!