Archive for October, 2006

Shark Attack 3: Megalodon

Shark Attack 3: Megalodon


2002
Starring
John Barrowman as Ben Carpenter
Jenny McShane as Cataline Stone
Ryan Cutrona as Chuck Rampart
George Stanchev as Esai
Harry Anichkin (Harry Aneachkin) as Jeff Tolley
Bashar Rahal as Luis Ruiz

“I’m really wired. What do you say, I take you home and eat your pussy?”

With that immortal dialogue, Shark Attack 3: Megalodon became the greatest movie of the Shark Attack franchise. Which is a little like being the fastest snail or the damnest, dirtiest ape. Taking Jaws and super-sizing it, we get a movie that combines two of the standard plotlines for SciFi Channel films: shark attacks and giant prehistoric monsters running amok. This film may be specially tailored for the SciFi Channel, but anywhere else, it leaves a thick, crusty residue behind. The ludicrous plot dares to copy the Jaws story from a universe where Steven Spielberg was replaced by a shaved chimp. Even a shaved chimp couldn’t be low enough to write the final half hour of this alleged film, that could have only been accomplished by a tub of wet cement. The finally where characters leap into the water into the mouth of the giant shark stretches believability for even a SciFi Channel movie. I’m there when prehistoric rhinoceros beetles live underground for centuries with no food. I’m there when cloned sabretooths are bulimic and shaped like walruses. I’m there when Komodos fight Cobras for thirty seconds of a two hour movie. But I can’t follow the logic of the characters at the end of this film.

Megalodon was the biggest shark that ever lived, estimated to get up to 16 meters (53 feet) in length. They are long dead, despite what a few lone nuts would have you believe. They are a perfect villain for a monster movie, but even the biggest screw-ups can ruin a perfect concept. The best part of Shark Attack 3 is enjoying the ride as the plane flies apart all around you, leaving you in perilous danger for your sanity as the movie slams into the Earth at 186,200 miles per second. Only those who are strong can escape without the scarring, both mentally and physically (you will try to gouge out eyes, slit wrists, and stick forks in sockets.) The reward is a large patch on the B-Movie Watcher’s Uniform, a symbol to be worn with pride. Joining the ranks of Troll 2, Cyber Seduction, Turkish Star Wars, Plan 9 From Outer Space, and dozens of other All Star films. Are you man enough to accept the challenge? Or will we be sending the Megalodon to go eat you, in a fury of terrible CGI?

In the meantime, enjoy the terrible animated gifs the encapsulate the abomination of video data files that stands before you, ready for the attack.

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Posted by Tars Tarkas - October 30, 2006 at 12:21 am

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Master Demon

Master Demon


1991
Starring
Eric Lee as Tong Lee/The White Warrior
Gerald Okamura as Kwon Chang/Master Demon Dark Fury
Kay Baxter Young as Medusa
Ava Cadell as Jan
Steve Nave as Cameron Massey
Sid Campbell as Wayne Besecker
Directed by Samuel Oldham

It begins in the end…

So the movie begins. But instead of going backwards like that one episode of Seinfeld, instead we are thousands of years in the past. As two rejects from Tekken fight each other in a field, we have started The Master Demon, a film made as an Eric Lee vehicle. It’s the film that rocketed him to fame and starring roles in Enter the Shootfighter and The Education of a Vampire. The film’s villain, the resident Master Demon, is played by Gerald Okamura, previously seen here in Ninja Academy and also seen in many quality films such as Samurai Cop and Vampire Assassin. How both of these guys got signed on to this film seems to be a mystery, as the film’s budget might have hit three digits if they dug in the couches of the entire crew for loose change. Still, the low budget adds to some of the charm, the armies of endless bad guys are probably someone’s friends from the local martial arts house appearing free for their lone film credit, and a few of the endless goons get some creative costumes. The film’s plot is standard “demon trying to take over the world” scenario with the “one man who can take him down” and his goofy friends along for the ride. I bet you didn’t know that 50-ish police officers can defeat seven demonic martial artists bare-handed! See that, Kabuki thugs, Gerald Okamura’s head inflate, and much more in The Master Demon…

It begins in the end… (As we said.) The movie starts out with the narrator reciting that as two people fight in a field in Southern California (playing ancient China.) Gerald Okamura is locked in mortal combat with a blonde-haired Eric Lee dressed entirely in white. Gerald is dressed in red, and has giant boils on one side of his face, in addition to more eyeliner than a goth convention. Gerald is the Demon Master (our title character!), and he manages to stab the White Warrior (yes, that’s Eric Lee’s character’s name) in the stomach with his odd weapon, but the White Warrior retaliates by slicing off the hand of Demon Master. Demon Master screams in his funky demon language and vanishes, except for his missing hand, which is wiggling around with some simple animatronics. You know those moving hand gloves you can get at tourist shops? It’s like that. The wounded White Warrior (who doesn’t act at all like he’s stabbed in the stomach, must have taken a Tekken power up or something) picks up the hand and takes it with him. Give him a hand, people! HA! I kill me! At this point, we find out this is all an intense nightmare of Eric Lee, who is now playing Tong Lee, in modern day, and is still dreaming so we continue with the dream flashbacks. White Warrior wanders to a temple, possible a Shaolin Temple but maybe not, and there is a monk inside, who begins chanting. A second Narrator (there’ll be a lot of Narrators) explains that the chanting is to keep the Master Demon from making himself whole. Incantations and prayers are used, and the hand is put in a box and sealed.


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Posted by Tars Tarkas - October 23, 2006 at 2:38 am

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In Hot Blood


In Hot Blood


1968
Starring
Doris Porro as Rita
Ruth Colon as Roberta
Tom Zolfo as Photographer
Dolores as Sandy
Directed by Leo J. Rhewdnal (Probably Joel Landwehr)

An Asianish model gets involved with sex, drugs, bananas, and lesbianism, and then everyone dies.

That’s the whole movie right there. Okay, fine, you want more in depth. Well, there isn’t that much more in depth. Perhaps we can talk about the origins of the film, who Leo J. Rhewdnal really is, the history of roughies, and the righteous soundtrack. It totally rocks. The soundtrack is the type of cool jazz music they rarely make anymore, the kind of music you’d play when you need to get motivated to do practically anything unpleasant, and you’d get finished before you even know it. Sad, that most of the songs are uncredited, and I’ll probably never hear them again except if I were to replay this movie. The only thing ruining the soundtrack is the narrator, as In Hot Blood follows the Coleman Francis line of movie production and had no sync sound. Something very common for this type of picture, as guys in raincoats weren’t exactly caring what the actual plot is, or if Rita’s lips were moving perfectly with the sound. They would care if her lips were moving perfectly with the banana. Which they do. Later in the film.

This film has oral sex with a banana. Take that, Brown Bunny! Actually, take that, Fast Times at Ridgemont High, your carrots are no good here anymore. Director Leo J. Rhewdnal is credited, speculation over just who he is has raised one possibility. A film student named Joel Landwehr (rearrange the letters of “Leo J. Rhewdnal”) was active making short films in the mid-to-late 1960s, and probably this and another sexplotation movie named Fluctuations to either learn the film business or to earn money for tuition or to fund more serious projects, or possibly both. (Some of this is cribbed from DVD Drive-in) Something Weird dug this up, like they dig up so many wonderful things, and threw it into a triple feature (with The Ultimate Degenerate and The Lusting Hours, which I won’t be reviewing here.) Just to be technical, this film is a type known as a “Roughie” which was a cheaply produced nudie/violence flick (because nudity alone doesn’t get the release, we need the violence pay off!) that was shown in back alley theaters. Now the back alley theaters are in your living room!


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Posted by Tars Tarkas - October 16, 2006 at 12:21 am

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Insecticidal

Insecticidal


2005
Starring
Meghan Heffern as Cami
Rhonda Dent as Josi
Samantha McLeod as Sophi
Shawn Bachynski as Martin
Vicky Huang as Fumi
Travis Watters as Mitch
Anna Amoroso as Jenni
Directed by Jeffery Scott Lando

The Horror Genre is blooming again in the movie industry, this time getting a massive infusion in the Low Budget Arena due to the profitability of producing cheap horror films for video rental outlets. This has lead to many terrible, terrible films, and a few good ones mixed in. The glut of horror has also produced films that try to stand out by mocking the genre, or introducing comedy in an effort to sidestep the standard celluloid (by celluloid I mean digital frames in the DVR Camera.) Thus, we get another send up of horror movies, specifically the giant bug horror movies. Insecticidal also grabs from several other traditional sources of horror, including sorority houses, nerdy girls, tons of nudity, and infested humans. Not ashamed dwell in it’s low-budget arena, Insecticidal has some fun. One of the subtle gags is all the girls in the sorority have their last name end in “I”. From Cami to Jessi to Fumi to even Belli (Belli?) it’s universal. Normally, I hate replacing Y’s with I’s, but in this case I’ll make an exception. Now, the low budget causes problems, noticeably the effects on the giant insects aren’t very good, and the bugs repeat the same animations over and over again. At times, it’s overly distracting. The actresses are largely unknowns (keeping with the low-budget theme) but many of them can’t keep their clothes on to save their lives, and many of them die horrible deaths as insect food. The acting varies, but there is a healthy mix of good and bad, and none so horrible that they ruin the film. The major thing to look for with low-budget films is whether or not you were entertained. If that is the case, all of the other flaws seem to be less important.


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Posted by Tars Tarkas - October 9, 2006 at 11:02 pm

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Battle Beast Files – Laser Beasts, Part 1

Who are the Battle Beasts? Let’s get to know each and every one personally!

Laser Beasts, Part I!

Laser Beasts were the next line introduced, which were pretty much only released in Japan (with a few making it to the States or Europe really briefly.) As the propaganda says: “The Laser Beast army is a group of 36 warriors who made Tigerburn their great leader. They develop Battle Machines and Powerful Weapons using modern science!” The Lasers seemed to function as an Evil Horde-style group of second villains with their own motivations, except they weren’t really that evil, just a really old race that got sick of the upstarts screwing around with their planet. Perhaps you shouldn’t have gone underground or where ever you were, Laser Beasts.

Number: 77
Name: Blue Eagle
Position: Aviation Offensive Leader
Weapon Name: Blue Sea Jet Laser
Series: Laser Beasts
Species: Eagle (Gray w/ Green Armor)
The first of the Laser Beasts! Blue Eagle begins the Laser Beast tradition of reusing animals, as he becomes Eagle Number Two behind Colonel Bird. He’s a different species, so it’s all good. Well, not that good, as Blue Eagle isn’t really blue! The true story is that Blue Eagle is an obsessive fan of the Smurfs, and regularly dyes his feathers blue. When not on battle duty, he dresses in full Smurf costume, and calls himself Eagle Smurf. Blue Eagle is the Laser Beast they don’t talk about when they get together to go hang out. Blue Eagle’s custom built mushroom house will be completed in six months, and he’s told his fellow Beasts he’s actively looking for his own Smurfette. The Blue Sea Jet Laser shoots concentrated water blasts (so it’s deadly against Fire-aligned Beasts) and also has a setting to shoot blue dye to change the skin of targets. Once, accidentally shot Skull Grotess in the butt, which resulted in Blue Eagle getting beaten for thirteen days straight until the dye wore off.
Number: 78
Name: Spark Shark
Position: Marine Offensive Captain
Weapon Name: Black Super Laser
Series: Laser Beasts
Species: Icthyosaur (Brown w/ Green Armor)
Spark Shark is no shark, he’s an Icthyosaur! The Sharks of the ancient times. Actually, probably the dolphins of the ancient times. Spark Shark leads the Marine Offensive Group, who get offended by everything in the ocean. Wait, that’s not right, they are the lead fighting group for the water. This means his main rivals are Wolfgang Walrus, Run Amuck Duck, and Killer Carp. Since the Decepticon Beasts have the most water dwellers, they probably get into fights with the Marine Offensive Group all the time. Those that are still alive after the war, that is. Even the dead ones come back as ghosts, So maybe it is all of them. Spark Shark has a special hatred for Sawtooth Shark, as he exposes Spark Shark as a shark in name only. Unfortunately, Sawtooth Shark is a formidable opponent who commands legions of shark troops, all of which will oppose the Laser Beast Invasion no matter the cost, even if they lose another war with the Autobot Beasts. But, being sharks, they’ll try to lure their two enemies to destroy each other, which is fine with Spark Shark, who thinks he’ll win any battle he enters. Spark Shark’s Black Super Laser shoots Dark Matter Rays which toxicly destroys its target.
Number: 79
Name: Sailon
Position: Land Offensive Unit
Weapon Name: Heavy Push Laser
Series: Laser Beasts
Species: Rhino (Gray w/ Blue Armor)
Sailon is a rare species of rhino, who feels great anger that his species is threatened. That, combined with his limited rhino intelligence and eyesight, combine to form a fountain of rage that lashes out at any nearby targets, even friends if Sailon hasn’t bothered to double-check before charging. Sailon has an intense hatred for Rocky Rhino, calling him a sellout due to his spiked-mace hand. Sailon’s ultimate goal is the elimination of his rival, as well as any other large herbivore he can get his horn into! Sailon’s gun is the Heavy Push Laser, which fires rays of hands that shove people backwards. Sailon likes to push people off of the edges of cliffs with his gun, but rarely gets the chance as most Battle Beasts are not so stupid as to fight on the edge of a cliff, except Crazy Coyote, who has fallen off 2461 cliffs so far in battle.
Number: 80
Name: Anarchy
Position: Subterranean Construction Unit
Weapon Name: Power Drill Laser
Series: Laser Beasts
Species: Mole (Tan w/ Salmon Armor)
Anarchy stole his dress ideas from Deer Stalker, including the cool shades and drill for an arm. He altered the colors but the basic design is there. Deer Stalker was annoyed at first, but realized that imitation is the sincerest form of flattery and accepted it, offering Anarchy a swift death when they meet in battle as opposed to a long one. Anarchy’s card claims he isn’t very bright, but is strong and has much endurance. The Power Drill Laser can drill through any substance, even diamond-walled cages. Anarchy claims he can shoot a hole through Wolverine’s adamantium claws, but that has never been tested, what with Wolverine being a fictional character. Anarchy’s job is to build underground bases, within which the Laser Beasts will plan their attacks upon the Battle Beasts. Anarchy also lives up to his name, and is opposed to most forms of government. He refuses to recognize any leader, and only fights with the Laser Beasts because it allows him to attack random Beasts as well as dig lots of holes. Anarchy is a supporter of Skull Grotess, and has declared himself blood enemy of the Miner Mole Clan, despite their peaceful overtures.
Number: 81
Name: Tigerburn
Position: Great Leader of Earth
Weapon Name: Medical Aid Laser
Series: Laser Beasts
Species: Tiger (Yellow w/ Blue Armor)
Tigerburn the Great! Tigerburn the Wise! Tigerburn the Tiger! He’s the Leader of the Laser Beasts, leading the effort to reclaim Planet Beast from descendants run amok! Tigerburn awoke from deep sleep to find that his home is overrun by Beasts who have devolved to less powerful forms and undergo constant in-fighting. Enraged that much of the beauty of his homeworld was spoiled in the numerous wars, Tigerburn got feed up with the Battle Beasts’ recklessness, and set out to try to bring them under control. Most of the Beasts had just got done fighting Transformer invaders and oppressive Decepticon-allied Beasts (and even the Decepticon alliance turned sour after a while) and were not keen on new strangers awaking and declaring themselves the new rulers of the planet. Pirate Lion reactivated his Sunburst Warrior powers and mobilized his forces to face the new threat. Much of the urge to go to war was influenced by Skull Grotess, who is secretly trying to usurp Tigerburn as leader of the Laser Beasts. This will probably eventually lead to internal civil war, especially when more Laser Beasts are activated from the underground sleeping colonies, which are scattered all over Planet Beast. There are rumors that more than just Laser Beasts sleep in the depths of the planet, waiting one day to be released from their slumber to conquest… Tigerburn’s Medical Aid Laser can heal any Beast in one shot. Tigerburn attacks with his bare hands. He’s that awesome.
Number: 82
Name: Condorassin
Position: Aviation Offensive Unit
Weapon Name: Electro Shoot Laser
Series: Laser Beasts
Species: Vulture (Gray w/ Orange Armor)
Condorassin is living a lie, telling everyone he’s a rare Condor, when he’s just a lowly vulture. Luckily for him, most Laser Beasts haven’t seen a condor, so he’s safe for now. Condorassin fancies himself an assassin, despite never actually killing anyone of interest. He’ll claim his victims are the “Emperor of Eras” or something, but he really just found a dead peasant and dressed him up in a robe stolen from a costume shop. Ferocious Tiger was surprised to learn that Condorassin claimed to have killed him four separate times. Tigerburn has begun to notice that Condorassin’s supposed victims keep turning up alive and well, and we can expect Condorassin to be renamed Condorholedigger soon. Condorassin has pledged to support Skull Grotess when he makes his bid for leadership of the Laser Beasts.
Number: 83
Name: Groundwolf
Position: Land Offensive Unit
Weapon Name: Death Hurricane Laser
Series: Laser Beasts
Species: Wolf (Gray w/ Blue Armor)
Groundwolf is an excellent tracker, who is constantly on the prowl. He tracks everything he sees, his mind constantly following every moving object within his sight range. Be it enemy Beasts, flying insects, or even leaves off of a tree, Groundwolf knows their exact locations. He’s got the OCD pretty bad. Luckily, Groundwolf is pretty well-adjusted, and doesn’t act like he’s someone odd. Groundwolf is a freak about lunar astrology, and constantly howls at the various moons of Planet Beast, sometimes in the midst of battle. The rest of the Laser Beasts don’t mind his occasional giving away of their position because he makes up for it in expert tracking. Groundwolf is a loyal supporter of Tigerburn.
Number: 84
Name: Fly Sailor
Position: Marine Offensive Unit
Weapon Name: Sea Freeze Laser
Series: Laser Beasts
Species: Flying Fish (Gray w/ Mauve Armor)
Fly Sailor believes himself the master of the sea and the air. He zips through the ocean at the same speed he zips through the air, not letting anyone stop him. Fly Sailor’s favorite activity is ambushing birds flying near the shore, he’s made numerous foes that way, from Savage Seagull to Storming Sandpiper. Fly Sailor has become the blood enemy of both Pitiless Pelican and Killer Carp, the former for killing his brother, and the latter for challenging his role as a master ocean fighter. Carp and Fly Sailor have fought twice so far, once in Carp’s Ghost mode, and once after he’s been returned to normal. Their battles both ended in draws, and a final duel is inevitable. Pitiless Pelican did not fare so well, but has a new plan to fly automated drone birds over the shore that are rigged to explode if attacked. Time will tell if Fly Sailor will fall for that trick. Fly Sailor is jealous of Dragon Seahorn’s Shield, and is conspiring to steal it for himself.
Number: 85
Name: Zariganian
Position: Underwater Construction Captain
Weapon Name: Tri-Fri Laser
Series: Laser Beasts
Species: Crawfish (Red w/ Light Blue Armor)
Zariganian is a gruff, tough construction worker who lives to build. He whips his crews into shape, and can build complex structures in a matter of hours. He has perfected techniques to shorten building time of bridges, vehicles, and temporary ground bases. Zariganian even designed a massive lobster-shaped submarine complete with giant claw weapons named the Lobster Deep. This terrified the Planet Beast Oceans until Pirate Lion lead a fleet of Shocking Sharks in a pitched battle to take it out. Five Shocking Sharks were destroyed, and many brave Beasts lost their lives. In the end, Pirate Lion succeeded in trapping the Lobster Deep in an underwater canyon, and triggered a landslide trapping it. Zariganian abandoned ship, but Pirate Lion was driven away before he could destroy the Lobster Deep. Triple Threat Snake then lead a group to try to steal the vessel for their own use, but the Laser Beasts returned shortly afterwards for their own salvage operation, and in the resulting fight, TTS and several of his Snake Warriors detonated the remaining bombs in the Lobster Deep cargo hold, destroying the vessel. Zariganian has vowed revenge, and is currently designing his new underwater vessel. Zariganian is fiercely loyal to Tigerburn.
Number: 86
Name: Rainbow Sam
Position: Special Information Chief
Weapon Name: Wide Sensor Laser
Series: Laser Beasts
Species: Parrot (Red w/ Yellow Armor)
Rainbow Sam is an international bird of mystery. Danger follows wherever he goes. His ability to mimic anyone’s voice comes in handy in tight situations. Rainbow Sam fancies himself a ladies’ man, though it is unknown if he is ever successful. In fact, much of Rainbow Sam’s personal life is classified. He did get into a major battle with Shool at some time in the distant past, which has caused tension to this day. Rainbow Sam’s Wide Sensor Laser enables him to tap into many different frequencies, and spy on many different Beasts at once. Pirate Lion has put a high price on his head, after Rainbow Sam stole the plans for a Battle Beast base and used them to flood the every room with raw sewage. Jaded Jag was so despaired he hid in his room for three months. Rainbow Sam’s greatest success was stealing a valuable tablet from an archaeological site, a tablet with writing even more ancient than Laser Beast Script, that has yet to be deciphered. It is rumored this tablet may date from the Ancient Elder Age, where ancestors of the Battle and Laser Beasts had a very advanced civilization that was destroyed by an unknown calamity. Rainbow Sam trusts only Tigerburn and Sea Panic.
Number: 87
Name: Shool
Position: Subterranean Construction Captain
Weapon Name: Auto-Telepath Laser
Series: Laser Beasts
Species: Centipede (Gray w/ Orange Armor)
Shool is an evil, evil creature. His pernicious acts are legendary across Planet Beast, only Skull Grotess pulls off acts that cause more woe. Shool’s favorite food is a fungus that grows on rotting corpses, and he always has fresh stock. Shool once killed his second in command for not attacking the enemy with everything he had, despite an easy victory. Stroking his mouth antenna like they are an old timey evil doer’s mustache, Shool likes to don a top hat and spout monologues at his enemies. Shool’s first act upon reawakening was to attack the local Battle Beast orphanage, and tie the orphans to railroad tracks, and sent a freight train toward them at high speed. Only the quick work of Brown Lion stopped this from happening, but behind the scenes actions of Skull Grotess prevented Tigerburn’s punishment from being enacted. In fact, Tigerburn is under the impression Shool has been executed, while Skull Grotess secretly is using him to build bases for the eventual coup. This was just found out by Tigerburn loyalist Hustlebear, but Shool has sent men to kill him before he reaches back home to report.
Number: 88
Name: Brain Mouse
Position: Subterranean Construction Unit
Weapon Name: Dirty Bio Laser
Series: Laser Beasts
Species: Mouse (Gray w/ Yellow Armor)
Brain Mouse is a Mad Scientist who spends much of his time running strange experiments on captured Battle Beasts. Brain Mouse’s goal is to evolve them into a Laser Beast/Battle Beast hybrid which will be the ultimate warriors. Several of Brain Mouse’s recent experiments escaped before the results could be determined, and recent reports from the countryside indicate something monstrous happened to them after escape, as smashed houses and vehicles attest. Brain Mouse is unconcerned with monsters running loose, but has a passing interest just to see the results so he can refine the next experiment. Brain Mouse is also adept at creating underground bases, as he makes underground lairs for his experiments constantly. Brain Mouse helped to create some of the stasis devices the Laser Beasts used for their suspended animation. Has a rivalry with Zariganian over who builds the best equipment and bases. Tigerburn allows this rivalry to continue, because it’s advanced the quality of both of their work. Brain Mouse despises Tigerburn for some of his noble efforts, and his refusal to allow Brain Mouse to openly continue his experiments (Brain Mouse just does them in secret), thus Brain Mouse is a loyal supporter of Skull Grotess and his attempts to take over the Laser Beasts. His Dirty Bio Laser gives each of it’s targets five random deadly diseases from a list of 287. Just be sure you don’t get the Rhinoceros Pox.
Series 3, Part IILaser Beasts, Part II

Special Thanks:
White Leo’s Site
Beastformers.com
Master List (Aratak’s Plastic Warriors)

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Posted by Tars Tarkas - October 5, 2006 at 8:17 pm

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