Brazilian Star Wars
Brazilian Star Wars
aka Os Trapalhões na Guerra dos Planetas aka The Tramps in the War of the Planets
Renato Aragão as Didi (Hat Guy)
Dedé Santana as Dedé (Dirty Guy)
Zacarias as Zacarias (Black Guy)
Mussum as Mussum (Moe Guy)
Carlos Kurt as Zucco (Vader)
Pedro Aguinaga as Prince Flick (Luke)
Emil Rached as Bonzo (Chewie)
It’s Brazilian Star Wars! Yes, just like Turkish Star Wars, only much much worse. In fact, as Turkish Star Wars becomes a fun film after a spell, Brazilian Star Wars just becomes more and more painful. Noticeably, Brazil does not have a Cunyet Arkin. They don’t have a Harrison Ford, or even a Jabba the Hutt puppeteer. Not even the Wookiee Soft-core Porn and Bea Arthur of The Star Wars Holiday Special. They do have four annoying losers known as Os Trapalhões (aka The Tramps.) The problem with Os Trapalhões is Os Trapalhões. Os Trapalhões just plain sucks. The Tramps are like the Three Stooges, if the Three Stooges never made a funny film, did worse slapstick than a Fatty Arbuckle trial, and used “funny” video editing techniques to speed up or slow down their performance. The Tramps entertained a generation of young people in Brazil, and if you want to know how they turned out, just watch City of God. TarsTarkas.NET takes a brave stand by entering into this world of hopelessness, because we feel it’s our duty to guide you to the promised land on the other side. Our one true hope is this site doesn’t denigrate into a gang-ridden slum.
This film follows in the tradition of Turkish Wizard of Oz and Turkish Star Trek by inserting characters into a popular story. In this case, four characters are dropped into the middle of a “Star Wars”. The Tramps did several films like this, including versions of The Planet of the Apes and The Wizard of Oz. Sadly, we are dragged along for the ride. Os Trapalhões are four members: The one that has Moe’s haircut (Moe Guy), the one that’s a black guy (Black Guy), the one that’s dirty-looking (Dirty Guy), and the one that’s wearing a biker hat (Hat Guy, the main character). Hat Guy is the leader in this film. What are their real names? I could look that information up, but these guys are terrible and after finishing this recap I will be huffing several gallons of gasoline in order to damage my brain enough to forget this experience. I no longer trust repressed memories after Cyber Seduction: His Secret Life. Okay, I lied, I looked up some of it. Hat Guy is really Didi, played by Renato Aragão, who’s second wife grew up watching him on TV. Dirty Guy is played by Dedé Santana (and is known as Dedé.) Black Guy is played by the actor Mussum. Moe Guy is Zacarias. The one good thing about this film is it’s lack of dialogue, which keeps you from having to try to decipher a complicated plot. The version I watched was subtitle-free, but the story is easy to figure out, even though most of the rest of the film is confusing beyond all means of describing. Brazil compensated by adding a revolting disco soundtrack, so the same few beats will repeat over and over again, increasing the torture. We won’t get anywhere by complaining, so let’s get cracking and enter the world of Os Trapalhões na Guerra dos Planetas. Break out your lightsabers, it’s a wretched hive of scum and villainy ahead…
After a brief sequence in “space” where Fisher-Price models flyby on a blue screen, we start our journey on the highways of Brazil, as our four heroes, the Tramps, are being chased by around 10-15 cars full of an angry mob, the reasons of which will never be explained. If you like inept car chase sequences, then you are in luck, as this goes on for around ten minutes or so. The movie must credit every person in Brazil individually, as the credits just won’t stop! The Tramps are try to do various pratfalls to keep us entertained, as the madcap car chase sequence just isn’t entertaining (mostly because we have no idea what is going on!) This reaches it’s most idiotic when the Tramps make a turn, and several vehicles are driven by mobs too lazy to turn the wheel or even slow down, as they drive into a lake at full speed, one after another. First a motorcycle, than a VW Beetle, and finally what looks like a Ford Fairmont.
ELECTRIFYING STAR WARS ACTION!!
The music is power disco, and will continue non-stop during this whole sequence. Hat Guy tries to get off the jeep and run along side (for what reason? Best not to ask!) and then quickly runs back onto the jeep. He then takes the wheel, hiding the car behind a rock, as every car chasing them then zooms off missing them, as they then drive the other direction. The pursuers continue to do their job, until the Tramps head to the beach, where the sand or the ocean water catches most of the pursuing cars, and Our Heroes escape.
They camp out for the night, and we see Moe Guy talks in a “funny” voice. Hat Guy decides to put a candle on the ground, which just happens to be where a turtle is walking, so soon there is a candle wandering around their campsite as they sleep. The site is enough to frighten several Tramps, and Dirty Guy manages to get his britches burned off.
MIND-BLOWING STAR WARS ACTION!!
The light from the flaming buttocks attract a local UFO (graphic by Mattel.) Out of this outstanding spacecraft steps Luke Skywalker! Not Mark Hamill, but Pedro Aguinaga, playing Prince Flick. Pedro Aguinaga seems to have zero body fat, and has Luke’s Farmboy clothes and hair (except he’s not as blonde.) Luke chats with the Tramps for a bit, then invites them aboard his ship. What he says is a mystery, since I don’t speak Portuguese and this tape doesn’t have subtitles. Luke’s copilot is Chewbacca, played by a seven foot tall guy in dog-like makeup, and Chewbacca is dressed like he’s a Gypsy or something. They call him Bonzo, I call him HILARIOUS LOOKING! Luke and Chewbacc- excuse me, Prince Flick and Bonzo speak in their own language, which is Portuguese played backwards. The Four Tramps wander around, mesmerized by the many many many flashing and blinking lights all over the control room. Like Dennis the Menace, they cannot resist pressing buttons, even when Chewie keeps tossing Hat Guy’s hand away. Chewie yells at him “Kur Ka De Slavish Low!” which is backwards Portuguese for “I will devour your soul, watchers of this film!” Finally, after around five minutes of button-pushing nonsense, they take off.
ASTONISHING STAR WARS ACTION!!
Meanwhile on Tatooine…
Thirty dirty Lepers attack a settlement, comprised of “Sandpeople” with giant heads. Keep an eye out for the Dirty Leper who falls flat on his face during the initial charge! After the movie was well over, I realized the dirty lepers were supposed to be Jawas! They are all full sized, attack innocent people indiscriminately, and there are no robots anywhere in this film. The Sandpeople have gigantic fake heads, and their defense of their town is to run from house to house. George Lucas ripped off this sequence using Anakin to slaughter Sandpeople instead of thirty dirty lepers. This goes on for a while, and I mean a while, as the Millennium Falcon buzzes overhead. We get several slow-motion shots of lepers kicking fleeing Sandpeople. Also, the set decorator went to the local boardwalk and bought some of those glass trees that are usually for sale and set them up around the settlement.
The Millennium Falcon (more like the Three and a Half Seconds Pigeon) lands so far off-screen that they don’t have to do the special effects for it, and Luke and the rest run back to where all the action is. Luke charges in and does a “Flying Trip” attack against some lepers. Wuxia at it’s finest. The rest of the gang joins the fun and begins beating up aliens. You’d think that Luke beating up Lepers means he’s on the side of the Sandpeople, but they get beat up as well by our heroes. They just joined the fight as a completely new side! Either that, or they’re to full of bloodlust to recognize friend from foe.
CONFUSING STAR WARS ACTION!!
The fight continues for FAR FAR FAR FAR FAR too long, and feature several sight gags that would have been rejected from silent films as dated. The tramps punch out Lepers and each other, and Luke continues fighting multiple foes using his deadly tripping attacks. Chewie beats up a few lepers into a pile, and then takes a cigarette break as the fighting continues. I hear ya, pal! The fight continues, and continues, and continues. Finally, something different happens! Darth Vader (or a close approximation) darts out of on of the buildings with a woman captive over his shoulders! He’s trying to run off in the confusion, but Luke charges after (though is delayed by various lepers.) Vader escapes in his spacecraft, which the special effects guy got this morning in his Happy Meal. Suddenly, all of the lepers flee, as do the Sandpeople. Well, except for one leper, who throws a bunch of balloons stuffed with sand into one of the farmhouses, causing it to be destroyed in a gigantic explosion. Those explosives pack such a wallop, that they spontaneously create four fully formed women from the wreckage of the farmhouse. And people doubt Creationism! The four women get dragged alone with the four Tramps to help Luke rescue the first woman who was with Darth Vader, real name Zucco (or Zuco.) Maybe Darth Zucco. Or Zucco Vader. Either way, he’s lame, and they fail to save the girl, since Vader already escaped.
They go where anyone would go if they wanted to know the location of some random girl was kidnapped by a doofus wearing a Halloween costume during a confusing battle where four other women mysteriously appeared….the Mos Eisley Spaceport Disco!
DISCO INFERNO-ING STAR WARS ACTION!!
The four girls and the four Tramps have all paired up, showing that even the lowliest Tramp (Moe Guy) can even score before Chewbacca. The inside of the Mos Eisley Spaceport Disco looks just like the sets of those horrid 1970’s variety hour shows. Luckily, neither Sonny and Cher nor the Brady Bunch shows up. The disco is full of strange alien creatures, much like most Earth 1970’s Discos. Luke goes to find a guy in a robe in a hidden control room, who may or may not be the Wizard of Oz. Whoever he is, Luke doesn’t like whatever it is he says because they begin to have a scuffle. Meanwhile, Hat Guy purchases some laser guns, which he tests out by blowing away five innocent people, as well as vaporizing the vehicle owned by Luke! He then kills the gun dealer when Hat Guy doesn’t have enough money to pay! Mass murder and theft is funny! Need I bring up City of God again?
Aliens packing the club include badly rendered copies of Biths, Talz, Snivvians, some sort of green guy, and one that looks like Trumpy from Pod People. The music starts out as some sort of New Age tune, and then transforms into the Brazilian Disco we all know and love. The aliens don’t like the new music, but one alien is fond of the girl that’s attached herself to Hat Guy. Instead of settling this the good way (dance off) they settle it by getting into a brawl.
RIOTING STAR WARS ACTION!!
After a spell of fighting, Luke joins in as well, then the entire gang leaves in a Landspeeder (a Jeep.) The next day, the jeep is stopped by some giant mushrooms that exist thanks to the wonders of blue screen technology. Something has happened that the lack of subtitles prevents me from explaining that causes Hat Guy to run away. Possible ideas include his fellow Tramps insulting his hat, disagreements with the spontaneously created woman, or the runs. I would be complaining, but following one loser around instead of a whole gang is actually a little better. Hat Guy stumbles across the horrors of Brazilian Star Wars, such as giant eggs hatching men in bird costumes that serve to frighten Hat Guy away and are never used again. Hat Guy’s random running pays off when he discovers the location of Darth Vader and his men. His men being either Black Stormtroopers or TIE Fighter Pilots. Vader (aka Zucco) has a Vader costume of bootleg toy quality. He also has goofy eyes added in the eyesockets, so he looks like an adult wearing a child’s mask. Clearly the most fearsome man in the galaxy. The Blacktroopers also have the goofy eyes, only theirs look even more like giant googly eyes.
At this point I had to give up. It took a few days of rest and recovery before I could continue on in the universe of Brazilian Star Wars…
Recovery time over, party time is just beginning! Hat Guy sprints back to the Jeep where everyone else is waiting to tell of his discovery. No one needs to ask how he knows where the jeep is after wandering alone in the desert on an alien planet for half a day. Nor should they wonder why everyone else was just chilling at the jeep/landspeeder. What were they doing all day? Probably enjoying the many mushrooms and the magical colors they see after eating them. The Brazilian Star wars Team sprints into action, but are stopped by an invisible barrier! Someone has left a plane of glass in the middle of the desert, and Our Heroes cannot get past it. They decide to dig under it, but after a few seconds of digging, they fall through the ground into a giant underground cavern. Soon, they are menaced by a rear-projected tarantula! Our Heroes solve this problem by running away! Running away seems to be a reoccurring theme in this movie. After they run away, Hat Guy returns to pulsate his pelvis at the tarantula until he’s dragged away. What the ever-loving monkey Robocop was that? Pulsating pelvises at eight-legged freaks? I said it before, I’ll say it again. City of God.
PULSATING STAR WARS ACTION!!
Somehow the running of the Heroes causes them to escape the cave and get back outside to the desert. It’s nighttime now, and Luke is sad, thinking about his girl while the Tramps smooch on theirs. Luke daydreams and we get a slow-mo running of Luke and Leia to each other with open arms. This cliché is followed by Hat Guy telling his girl something, that causes the reuse of the chase footage from the beginning of the film…..NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!! It’s starting over! Help!! HELP!! The horror! THE HORROR! We’re doomed, DOOMED!!!!
Oh, wait, it’s just a flashback…THANK YOU, JESUS!!
Luke receives a lightsaber. Or a dildo. Or something. It’s from Vader, containing a message. Whatever it says it enrages Dirty Guy so much he shoots himself in the foot. That’s pretty mad, I tell you what.
SHOE-SHOOTING STAR WARS ACTION!!
The next morning, the heroes go get some fruit dangling from trees. Special space fruits, that are just several types of fruits combined together. Some sort of invisible presence is causing the fruits to act wonky. Someone warns to watch out for the invisible men, and everyone panics. The heroes drive off, managing to leave Hat Guy behind. That’s not dealt with at all, as Hat Guy has vanished with no explanation. They prepare to make a trade with Vader. Thanks to online synopses, we find out that this involves halves of the Brain Computer. One half Luke has, and one half Vader has. Vader demands the other half or he’s going to go do something horrible to Leia in a very uncomfortable place, like the back of a Volkswagon. Luke, Chewie, and the remaining Tramps drag a big trunk through the desert, and we can see where Mel Brooks stole his idea for Spaceballs! They trade it to Vader, flanked by black stormtroopers, for Leia, but….IT’S A TRAP! Cue Admiral Ackbar! Princess Leia is really a Bith with a Leia mask on! The black stormtroopers capture the heroes, tying them up and dangling Black Guy above some spikes as fires burn through his ropes.
It’s End Game for our heroes now! The black stormtroopers finally get around to opening the luggage, and….IT’S A TRAP! Cue Admiral Ackbar again! Hat Guy is in the trunk, with his stolen laser guns! Hat Guy is used to killing, but shoots the black stormtroopers with freeze rays, freezing them in position! He blasts Vader as well! Hat Guy unties some of his friends, but let’s Black Guy dangle a while longer in perilous danger, as Hat Guy would rather beat up the immobilized Vader, and even steal his helmet. Or put the helmet on backwards, so Vader looks like he’s wearing a bonnet. He kicks and punches Vader, and puts him in ridiculous positions. While this is happening, the rest of the group is in a life and death struggle fighting the black stormtroopers. Luckily, the black stormtroopers are just as useless as the real stormtroopers. Hat Guy will randomly pick up a gun and shoot a black stormtrooper, then he goes back and puts his gun down and gets distracted again. He saves Black Guy at the last second, blasting the spikes Black Guy is dangled above at the last second. Finally, Luke defeats the rest of the black stormtroopers, and all the stormtroopers and Vader are tied up to a chain gang, and marched back to the jeep where all the girls are. The Tramps constantly kick and hit and harass the captives. HAHAHA! Prisoner abuse is HILARIOUS!
ABU GHRAIBING STAR WARS ACTION!!
The heroes then get the two pieces of the Brain Computer, and slowly slide them together. The Brain Computer seems to be two control panels of old ovens. So when slide together, they bake a cake at 400 degrees for 35 minutes…. No, that’s not right! Instead, when slide together, they….cause a city to appear? Huh? I guess it’s Mos Eisley, as all the aliens wander out of the desert and cheer, then run into the city! I have no idea why it’s called the “brain computer” and not the “city capturing oven controls” but it’s probably something lost in translation. Yeah, that’s it. It’s definitely not because this movie sucks royal armadillo butt or anything.
The happiness turns to sadness for Luke as Vader tells him Leia was killed when they made the mask of her, as Brazilian Star Wars mask making tools involve disintegrating the mask moldee. All of the Tramps except Hat Guy go to leave, but Hat Guy wants to stay with his girl. He and his girl seem to be crashing in the same pad as Luke, who is there, but depressed again due to his girl Leia’s disintegration. He says something, and then suddenly Luke and Hat Guy’s girl are making out! Hat Guy has nothing to do but to run, run for his life to try to get back to the Millennium Falcon to get back to Earth. He barely makes it, grabbing on to the outside of the ship and then being brought inside. The other three Tramps all have their girls with them (huh? Why wouldn’t Hat Guy take her back with him, then she wouldn’t have been seduced by Luke and his zero body fat.) and Hat Guy looks at all his friends with their women and weeps. HAHAHAHAHA! It’s funny! No, wait, I have no clue why it’s suddenly dramatic. We’ve entered Jerry Springer territory: “Space Jedi stole my Space Alien Babe!”
Suddenly, we’re back on Earth, and all four of the Tramps are outside at their campsite. Was it all a dream? No girls are around. But they all remember, and see the footprints of the alien craft. Their jeep…has been turned to solid gold! The ship buzzes overhead as the Tramps wave at it, happily throwing gold bars into the air! Good job there, yo! And it’s….
Fim? WTF is Fim? Is it like Son? Does that mean it’s over? It is over! YES!!! Happy day! Happy Life Day!!! We’ve made it through! Pass the darkness and into the light. We have prevailed in the good fight. Tramps can’t stop me. Lepers fighting Sandpeople can’t stop me. Black stormtroopers can’t stop me. Vader knockoffs named Zucco can’t stop me. Dialogueless scenes that go on for ten minutes can’t stop me! No Cunyet Arkin can’t stop me! Brazilian Star Wars has failed in it’s mission: To turn the US into it’s own City of God.
Half of the Tramps are currently dead. Zacarias and Mussum (aka Black Guy and Moe Guy) have passed on to the great Brazilian Star Wars in the sky.
FIMMING STAR WARS ACTION!!
Rated 3/10 (Farmhouse Igloosx2!, Crazy Fruit that’s crazy!)