Archive for July, 2006

Battle Beast Files – Series 3, Part 1


Who are the Battle Beasts? Let’s get to know each and every one personally!
Series 3, Part I!

Number: 53
Name: Panzer Panda
Japanese Name: Strong Panda
Ruler of Country: King of East Yutoranta
Position: Rescue/Relief Combatant
Weapon Name: Strong Aid (Gray Machete)
Affiliation: Autobot
Series: 3
Species: Panda (Black and White w/ Red Armor)
Panda is the doctor of the Beasts. Please call him Dr. Strong Panda, or Dr. P for short. Panda plays the role of Ratchet in Transformers, being the medic. Notice how the villains never have anyone who repairs people, but the Good Guys always have someone. Dr. P is a popular Beast, because he’s Panda-riffic! As the kIng of East Yutoranta, he defends East Yutoranta from all those other Yutorantas, like North Yutoranta, South-West Yutoranta, and Smorth Yutoranta (home of the Smurfs.) Dr. P’s medical style is like Dr. House from House, except he’s not crippled, instead a Shaolin Kung Fu Master, as well as knowledgeable in Chinese Medicine. This comes in handy since most Traditional Chinese Medicine is made out of animal parts, and that’s what the Beasts are, animals. Dr. P is best friends with Grizzly Bear, they’ve formed the Battle Beasts Bear Social Club, despite him not being a real bear.
Number: 54
Name: Leapin’ Lizard
Japanese Name: Shield Dragon
Ruler of Country: Emperor of Jigurard
Position: Communications Soldier
Weapon Name: Teleprojector (Gray Weapon)
Affiliation: Decepticon
Series: 3
Species: Frilled Lizard (Brown w/ Blue Armor)
Leapin’ Lizard is a crazy Mo-Fo! He jumps around yelling “BOO!” sticking out his tongue, harassing waitresses, and parking in handicapped zones. Leapin’ Lizard usually annoys his allies to the point where they constantly kick him out of their bases, but that’s the kind of thing Leapin’ Lizard loves! As a communications soldier, Lizard makes prank calls constantly, asking if fridges are running, if Prince White Leo is in a can, and what direction your toilet water is spinning. Leapin’ Lizard collects left shoes, pictures of Bea Arthur, and used corn cobs. Only Leapin’ Lizard can use the communications device, which is the only reason they keep him around. Sprint is planning to build a network next year, so Lizard may soon be out of a job.
Number: 55
Name: Killer Koala
Japanese Name: Koala Gray
Ruler of Country: King of Lapol
Position: Grasslands Reconnaissance Unit
Weapon Name: Iron Axe (Gray Battleaxe)
Affiliation: Autobot
Series: 3
Species: Koala Bear (Gray w/ Olive Armor)
Koala Gray is a good name, despite it sounding like he has a picture in the attic that ages while he stays the same age. Koala has an ear replaced with a radar dish, so he can eavesdrop on strangers on the bus. He hears some of the strangest conversations that way. Sometimes, he even hears secrets, which he uses to his advantage. Koala suddenly bought 5000 shares of Weasel-Co. right before it announced it’s new line of replacement hands. Koala wrote an article about how Horny Toad has an illegitimate daughter. Koala has been given a wide berth recently, as everyone thinks he’ll reveal secrets about them. Here is a secret about Koala: he likes to eat flower petals. Koala wishes he had his normal life back. The only solace he can find is in battle, attacking his enemies. Luckily, on Planet Beast, he can find a lot of solace.
Number: 56
Name: Tarsier Tyrant
Japanese Name: Demon Key (or Demonkey)
Ruler of Country: Emperor of Parumira
Position: Forest Demolition Soldier
Weapon Name: Demon Waver (Gray Machete)
Affiliation: Decepticon
Series: 3
Species: Tarsier (Brown w/ Green Armor)
Tarsier is a freaky-looking pseudo-monkey. His almost-monkey self scares many Beasts, especially the Primates. His dismissal has caused him to become an outcast, making him easy prey to fall for the Decepticon Beasts lies. He is not a loyal foot soldier, happily destroying the very rain forest he lives in because his team wills it. He doesn’t see the big picture, only wanting to belong. Mockingly called a Demon Monkey, it was shortened to Demonkey as his personal nickname, which some have modified to Demon Key. His Demon Waver weapon chops down both trees and Beasts in battle. A fearsome foe, too bad he chose the losing side. Perhaps the Beasts will become more accepting in the future to prevent tragedies like this from happening again.
Number: 57
Name: Black Panther
Japanese Name: Black Jaguar
Ruler of Country: King of Nupal
Position: Head Bodyguard
Weapon Name: Hyper Beam (Gray Spear with Handguard)
Affiliation: Autobot
Series: 3
Species: Black Jaguar (Black w/ Aqua Armor)
Word. Power to his people. Black Panther is a revolutionary, fighting the Beast, the Oppressor, the Decepticons. Black Panther will gain his freedom, by any means necessary. His people will be free, the Nupalian Kings and Queens are a proud people, and will not bow. They shall break their chairs, they shall overcome. Black Panther is a controversial figure, but does more help to the community than harm. His methods are controversial, and there are divisions among his followers, but the message is the same: All Beasts deserve freedom and equality. Those who oppose this view will be crushed. No quarter will be given, no line will be drawn, it’s all or nothing.
Number: 58
Name: Torrential Tapir
Japanese Name: Dream Eater
Ruler of Country: Emperor of Erku
Position: Special Combat Unit
Weapon Name: Quick Dreamer (Gray Forked Scimitar)
Affiliation: Autobot
Series: 3
Species: Tapir (White w/ Green Armor)
Dream Eater. That is just such a cool name. Dream Eater puts so many other names to shame. From his description, it’s obvious that Dream Eater was a special troops who put enemies to sleep and then beat the crap out of them. That’s a noble goal to do in battle. My only complaint is that would be a cool villain move, why is he fighting with the Good Guys? There should always be way more villains than heroes, but only He-Man has pulled this off correctly. At least he’s a cool-sounding Beast. Too bad Tapirs aren’t exactly the best Beasts to be a Beast. This keeps him on the B-List. But don’t tell this to his face, he’ll put you to sleep and you’ll wake up tied up, hanging naked from a tree in the middle of the forest, with bruises all over your body.
Number: 59
Name: King Cobra
Japanese Name: Cobrander
Ruler of Country: King of Jigrad
Position: Emperor of Jiguraado
Weapon Name: Mahilacore (Gray Sword/Axe)
Affiliation: Decepticon
Series: 3
Species: Cobra (Brown w/ Purple Armor)
COOOOOOBRA! Those darn GI Joe Beasts keep keeping Cobra down. Wait, this is a different Cobra. This guy is both King and Emperor of Jiguraado. That’s like when certain dictators call themselves President for Life. He wields the Mahilacore. what is a Mahila? Well, Mahila is the most respected word for a Telugu woman. So Cobrander is big on women’s rights. That’s good, but he’s still a Bad Guy. He has the incredibly valuable Stoned Cobra form, which gets it’s own segment. Cobrander rules with an iron fist, but he doesn’t put up with inequality. Every Beast is equal, except he is more equal. Disagree, and he’ll throw you into a pit of Triple Threat Snakes.
Number: 60
Name: Maniac Mandrill
Japanese Name: Baboon
Ruler of Country: Emperor of Nirmudo
Position: Mountains and Forest Staff Officer
Weapon Name: Babooner (Gray Halberd)
Affiliation: Autobot
Series: 3
Species: Mandrill (Gray w/ Brown Armor)
He’s a maniac, maniac on the floor. And he’s dancing like he’s never danced before… As Emperor of Nirmudo, Mandrill uses his high status to fling poo at his enemies. Well, what else can you say? His Japanese name is the very imaginative Baboon, making him the only Beast whose name I correctly guessed as a child. Maniac Mandrill instead is low quality Beast who fails to impress. And look at all that mascara! Someone needs some proper makeup tips. Shame shame shame, everyone knows your name. Plus, no red butt=no win.
Number: 61
Name: Pixilated Pointer
Japanese Name: Dog Hunter
Ruler of Country: King of Iriano
Position: High-Speed Reconnaissance Unit
Weapon Name: Beam Hunter (Gray Mech-Halberd)
Affiliation: Autobot
Series: 3
Species: Pointer Dog (Brown w/ Blue Armor)
Another day, another dog. Continuing the One Series, One Dog tradition, Pointer joins the Battle Beasts as the Dog of the Week. We could have nothing but Dog Beasts and still fill a medium sized room. Battle Beasts have gone to the dogs. Well, I have a bone to pick with that. Why not more interesting dogs? We need Wiener Dogs! We need Dalmatians! We need St. Bernards! We need “Yo Qiero Taco Bell!” Until my demands are met, I shall march outside the offices of every toymaker in the country! There will be a day of reckoning, and I will be triumphant! Dog Beasts for All!
Number: 62
Name: Pillager Pig
Japanese Name: Buupink
Ruler of Country: King of Heles
Position: Food Reconnaissance Unit
Weapon Name: Gourmenia (Gray Spear)
Affiliation: Autobot
Series: 3
Species: Pig (Pink w/ Red Armor)
A Pig? Lame. Babe he is not. Well, my Pig had an unfortunate accident where he was chewed up by my puppy when I was a kid. He lost both his arms, one of which I replaced with a gun from some random toy set. Japan seems to think he’s lame, making him a Food Reconnaissance Unit. His name, Buupink, is pretty crappy as well. Nothing is exciting about Pig. Why do you stink so bad? When I can make you more exciting by just adding a yellow gun on instead of an arm, something is dearly wrong.
Number: 63
Name: Rowdy Rooster
Japanese Name: Laser Cock
Ruler of Country: Emperor of East Yutoranta
Position: Air Staff Officer
Weapon Name: Valiant Laser (Gray Double-Bladed Spear)
Affiliation: Autobot
Series: 3
Species: Rooster (White w/ Light Blue Armor)
“Laser Cock”!! HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! Laser Cock! Hahahahaha!!! Air “Staff” officer! Hahahahaha! Laser Cock!!! Cock! Hahahahahahahahahahahahahaha! HA-hahahahahaha! Laser Cock! Valiant Laser…Cock! Hahahahahaha!
Number: 64
Name: Musky Ox
Japanese Name: Musk-Horn
Ruler of Country: King of West Yutoranta
Position: Mountains Combatant
Weapon Name: Mind Saber (Gray Broadsword)
Affiliation: Autobot
Series: 3
Species: Water Buffalo (Brown w/ Yellow Armor)
Possessing a sweet sword, the Mind Saber, Water Buffalo looks like a winner. For some reason, Water Buffalo was elected President of the Battle Beasts. He walked around wearing a suit and red tie. He ruled with Pirate Lion, but the President is more of a ceremonial post. WB’s best attribute is his cool sword. It’s just cool. All the other Beasts want it. That’s why they made him president, so he’s be too busy being diplomatic to use his sword. Water Buffalo gets the last laugh, as he uses his sword for Line-Item Vetoes.
Series 2, Part IISeries 3, Part II

Special Thanks:
White Leo’s Site
Beastformers.com
Master List (Aratak’s Plastic Warriors)

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Posted by Tars Tarkas - July 30, 2006 at 3:00 pm

Categories: Battle Beasts   Tags:

Undefeatable


Undefeatable

aka Cui hua kuang mo

1994
Starring
Cynthia Rothrock as Kristi Jones
Don Niam as Stingray
John Miller as Nick DiMarco
Donna Jason as Jennifer Simmons
Sunny David as Karen
Emille Davazac as Anna
Hang Yip Yim as Hank
Linn Thai as Eagle Lee
Shelton Lee as Diablo
Scott Shelton as Bear
Directed by Godfrey Ho (as Godfrey Hall)

You burden me with your questions
You’d have me tell no lies
You’re always asking what it’s all about
Now listen to my replies
You say to me I don’t talk enough
But when I do I’m a fool

Baby, you’re so Undefeatable! The horror of Godfrey Ho is once again unleashed upon an unsuspecting world! Mr. Ho proves that not only can you not keep a good director down, you can’t keep the bad ones down, either! Godfrey Ho’s messes of movies involve filming lots of nonsensical scenes, splicing them into half a dozen uncompleted or cheap Asian films, and dubbing them in a futile attempt to make the stories integrated. Godfrey Ho made the occasional larger budget film, where he only filmed one film at a time and was unable to use stock movies. Undefeatable is one of those movies, but even though it was made for a larger company, he still made two films with most of the same case, though the Honor and Glory wasn’t intended to be interspliced (as far as I know.) This was near the end of the career of Godfrey Ho, as he since moved on to teaching a whole generation of Hong Kong film students how to make terrible films. And people wonder why Hong Kong cinema is in a decline… Godfrey Ho’s previous films include such winners as Ninja Commandments, Zombie vs. Ninja, Ninja Terminator, Ninja Operation: Licensed to Terminate, Catman in Lethal Track, and Thunder Ninja Kids: The Hunt for the Devil Boxer. With such a wonderful pedigree, this film can be nothing but gold!

Starring in Undefeatable is the unbeatable Cynthia Rothrock, in the role that didn’t make her famous. In fact, she was pretty much already famous, so this is the role that made her less famous! Most of the other cast went on to obscurity, though a high percentage also have roles in Honor and Glory. It looks suspiciously like Mr. Ho was up to his old tricks again, but got taken down in the final release stage. The villain of the piece is Stingray, played by Don Niam, in one of his few roles. He hams this one up perfectly, with crazy rape-eyes bugged out all the time, and a genuine creepy tone that can set the most relaxed person on Earth into unnerved fits. He goes over the top and it’s fairly entertaining. Luckily for us, as much of the rest of the picture isn’t. There is a procession of fights as Rothrock earns money for her sister’s schooling and later is trying to avenge her death, some of which are okay, and a few have gimmicky opponents. The main problem is everything between the fights and Stingray’s craziness. It’s whale barf of the slimiest order. Heck, there are people who would gladly eat that whale vomit instead of watch parts of this film. And I don’t blame them.

The final fight has made the rounds on the internet, giving this film a sort of cult buzz it never had before. It does serve as one of Rothrock’s crazier films, which is different from her trend of being in bad, boring movies with few action sequences, which seemed to plague the last ten years of her career. Thankfully, the choreography is in good use, even if it’s not the high-quality stuff we are looking forward too. The whole film is a mess, but like all messes, there is some good things hidden beneath the piles of crap. Let’s get to digging, as these piles are Mt. Everest size. Maybe even Mt. Vesuvius, as it’s gonna blow!

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Posted by Tars Tarkas - July 27, 2006 at 1:27 am

Categories: Movies, Ugly   Tags: , , , , , , , , , , ,

Valley of the Wolves: Iraq


Valley of the Wolves: Iraq

aka Kurtlar vadisi – Irak

2006
Starring
Necati Sasmaz as Polat Alemdar
Billy Zane as Sam William Marshall
Ghassan Massoud as Sheikh Abdurrahman Halis Karuki
Gürkan Uygun as Memati Bas
Bergüzar Korel as Leyla
Kenan Çoban as Abdülhey Çoban
Erhan Ufak as Erhan Ufak
Diego Serrano as Dante, Sam’s assistant (aka Fauxhawk)
Gary Busey as Doctor
Directed by Serdar Akar

Now THIS is a controversial film!! It’s very existence lead to a flurry of fury on the blogosphere, which quickly sped to the TV pundits looking for things to scream about. The movie became super-hyped for three reasons: The US is portrayed as villains, a Jewish doctor steals organs, and actual American actors are involved. This quickly gained the film notoriety in the US, however it was already generating a huge buzz in Turkey. Besides being the most expensive Turkish movie ever made (though that’s kind of like being the tallest midget), it was a follow-up to one of the most popular TV programs in Turkey, Valley of the Wolves (Kurtlar vadisi), a Turkish drama about undercover cops in the mafia (which had notable American Guest Stars Sharon Stone and Andy Garcia.) It was confusing in the US press at the time what the connection actually was, but it turns out several of the main characters then make their way to Iraq to deal with insolent Americans. Make no mistake, the “Americans” in this film are a big pack of bad. Think of it as Muslim’s revenge for film after film with Muslim villains, such as True Lies and Midnight Express (which had a whole prison of Turkish horrors.)


American actors Billy Zane and Gary Busey are in this film. Zane stars as the villain Sam William Marshall, who dresses like he was on the way to be a villain in an Indiana Jones film who thinks he’s a Bond villain. As the main evil character, he helps organize the Americans’ in their shenanigans in Iraq, from putting Turkish troops in hoods to pumping hot lead into wedding parties. Gary Busey plays the most over the top character (well, of those too, there’s another American who’s even crazier!), a Jewish doctor who spends the movie removing organs from healthy innocent Iraqis picked up in raiding parties, for quick delivery to New York, Israel, and other places where Jewish people are. Busey’s concern for his victims exists only because he wants them alive when he chops them open. Several scenes happen where he’s yelling at people about the mistreatment of the captives, but it turns out only so he can have better victims. One may wonder why these two Americans are playing such ridiculous roles. Well, Billy Zane is hot of BloodRayne, while Busey actually moved up from work such as Gingerdead Man. Regardless, these controversial roles could backfire on them, but neither actor is such a box office draw that their name will decline sales. Most of their films are either direct to video, or should be. Turkish actor Necati Sasmaz is Polat Alemdar, the hero of Valley of the Wolves TV show. Originally, he was planning to move to the US< but his flight on September 11th ended up being canceled for obvious reasons, so he stayed in Turkey and then became a huge star. Ghassan Massoud plays the Sheikh Abdurrahman Halis Karuki, and is probably best know for playing Saladin in Kingdom of Heaven.

The film itself presents several ideas, and is more complicated than simply a hit piece against America. In fact, the film seems to take a decidedly anti-violence tone. Several scenes attack radical Muslims just as other attack American occupiers. In the recap, we shall address such themes when they pop up, as well as trying to give an overall picture of what is going on. The film is very long, around two hours, and is full of incidents both based on reality and far from the realm of fiction. Well, we won’t get anywhere rattling on about the film, let’s experience it…


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Posted by Tars Tarkas - July 13, 2006 at 10:33 pm

Categories: Movies, Ugly   Tags: , , , , , , , , , ,

Battle Beast Files – Series 2, Part 2


Who are the Battle Beasts? Let’s get to know each and every one personally!
Series 2, Part II!

Number: 41
Name: Run Amuk Duck
Japanese Name: Smile Duck
Ruler of Country: Emperor of Tel Es Sawan
Position: Amphibious Offensive Combatant
Weapon Name: Smilon (Golden Mace/Axe)
Affiliation: Autobot
Series: 2
Species: Duck (Yellow w/ Light Blue Armor)
Smile Duck or Run Amuk Duck? Both names are pretty keen. Duck isn’t so bad himself, with one hand replaced with a slicing blade that looks like one of the most dangerous weapons in the Beast world. Duck’s ability to fight on land, air, and water is a triple threat, without the snakes. Duck’s ability to smile in the face of danger is an added bonus that improves moral. Duck is usually the joker of the group, providing much needed breaks of hilarity that help crack the monotonous cruelty of war. Smile Duck’s psychoanalysis is troubling, and leading Beast Psychologists think that Smile Duck will one day have a mental collapse and be brought down by extreme depression. At that time, he has the name Sad Duck waiting for him. Duck’s weapon is a crazed combination of a mace and an axe, with plenty of extra parts to confuse the enemy. No one knows that one of those parts is actually a fife, which Duck plays during his solitary reflection time.
Number: 42
Name: Miner Mole
Japanese Name: Underground
Ruler of Country: King of Loze
Position: Underground Offensive Combatant
Weapon Name: Ungrinder (Golden Blunt Mech-Glaive)
Affiliation: Autobot
Series: 2
Species: Mole (Lavender w/ Purple Armor)
A mole in the hole is worth two in the bush. Wait, that’s not right… Underground is a cool name as well, we’re finally having a run of them. This Mole is available in two armor colors, thanks to an obvious paint change. In addition to this purple form, there is a form with black armor. The Black Armor is supposed to be the rare version, but it’s the version I had for the longest time until I located a Purple Mole. We can assume that these two are brothers. Twins, even. The Mole family celebrated their birth with great celebration, as mole twins are a rare occurrence. Because of their rarity, they were targeted for theft by Decepticon-allied Beasts. Both Miner Moles had to fight for their lives when but children, after their underground tunnel was raided by the evil Gopher Clan. Soon the twins turned the Gophers into Greasy, Grimy Gopher Guts. They’ve since moved on to defending Planet Beast from it’s enemies. Purple Mole is noted for his love of soap carving.
Number: 42
Name: The Other Miner Mole
Japanese Name: The Other Underground
Ruler of Country: The Other King of Loze
Position: Underground Offensive Combatant
Weapon Name: Ungrinder (Golden Blunt Mech-Glaive)
Affiliation: Autobot
Series: 2
Species: Mole (Lavender w/ Black Armor)
The second mole in the bush, The Other Miner Mole is Underground wearing his new black costume. Thanks to a paint variation, we now need two copies of Mole to be completists. Black Underground isn’t a goth version of Mole, though that would have been odd. He’s need some more mascara and paler skin, maybe more leather straps. The twin of Purple Mole, Black Mole is like his brother, an enemy of the Gopher Clan and staunch defenders of Planet Beast. Mole’s clamp arm is handy in doing plumbing work back in the Castle Loze. Fast Fact: Castle Loze is located underground, because it’s all Moles! Neither of these two paint variations look like the one on the poster, which is very very odd. Black Mole is noted for his love of wood carving.
Number: 43
Name: Cutthroat Cuttlefish
Japanese Name: Cuttledeep
Ruler of Country: Emperor of North Yutoranta
Position: Deep-Sea Demolition Soldier
Weapon Name: Dream Spear (Golden Two-Headed Short Spear)
Affiliation: Decepticon
Series: 2
Species: Cuttlefish (White w/ Gray Armor)
One of the baddies in the Blackthorne Comic Series, and one of my favorite Beasts! Described in the comics as “a wishy-washy whiner. His strong suit is switching sides in the middle of a fight, and changing loyalties at the drop of a hat.” This plays out when he joins Ruhin after he appears, and Ruhin then turns him into a stone statue. I guess that’s the end of Cutthroat Cuttlefish in the comics. Since Ruhin can turn Beasts to stone, why didn’t he just turn his enemies to stone? Maybe he could only turn his followers. Anyway, Cutthroat was called “Squid” growing up, because that’s what he was to us. Cutthroat also had a problem with his arms breaking, both copies I have of him have limb casualties. One of those casualties was painted green, had a shell glued to his back, and went by the name “Nautilus” until the glue wore off and the shell vanished. Still, Cutthroat was just a neat looking guy. His arm that is replaced by a spear (or an explosive tipped one if you buy the Blackthorne Bio) was also a nice touch. Cutthroat rules the country of North Yutoranta, the Yutoranta known for it’s great cuisine and tree-sized mushrooms. These mushrooms cause you to hallucinate, and tripping on the ‘shrooms is why Cutthroat cut off his own arm, as it had grown a mouth and was attempting to eat him, or so he thought.
Number: 44
Name: Eager Beaver
Japanese Name: Bebop (or Beavup)
Ruler of Country: Emperor of Aluchian
Position: Amphibious Reconnaissance Unit
Weapon Name: Saw Beat (Golden Sawtooth Sword)
Affiliation: Autobot
Series: 2
Species: Beaver (Yellow w/ Brown Armor)
Eager Beaver is one of the good ones. He’s cool looking, has a cool looking weapon, and from his Japanese names it looks like they were trying to make him into the Jazz or Blaster of the Battle Beasts. He spends all his time listening to cool tunes and breakdancing, when he’s not building dams, spying on the enemy, or splashing his tail on the water to warn of danger. Eager Beaver will not wait to fight the enemy, he makes the enemy fight him, whether they are ready or not. The first thing the enemy usually says is “A yellow beaver?” right before they get some buck teeth in their behind. Beaver then does some dance-flip moves against his opponents, including the ultra-powerful “Electric Beavaloo.” Eager Beaver is the Beast you send when you want to send a message to the enemy, that message being “You Got Served!”
Number: 45
Name: Slasher Seahorse
Japanese Name: Junior Dragon
Ruler of Country: Emperor of Agos
Position: Underwater Demolition Soldier
Weapon Name: Screw Spinner (Golden Short Bent Trident)
Affiliation: Decepticon
Series: 2
Species: Seahorse (Brown w/ Light Blue Armor)
Seahorse, or Junior Dragon, lives under the sea. There’ll be no accusations, just friendly crustaceans under the sea! Well, from the list so far, most of these crustaceans aren’t that friendly. In fact, they all seem evil. Is anyone in the water a good guy? Have you noticed that the Decepticon Beasts have a Sea Mine “Explosives” Soldier, a Deep-Sea Demolition Soldier, and an Underwater Demolition Soldier? That’s a lot of underwater blowing up. Planet Beast must be full of lakes and oceans that explode constantly due to the large amount of explosive devices inside. It’s probably a rare day when bodies of water aren’t exploding. Junior Dragon is the son of Senior Dragon, a Legendary Beast who once killed 19 Beasts before breakfast. Junior Dragon has only killed three Beasts before breakfast, and it was more like brunch, and they were quite old Beasts who may have died from old age, and they might not really be dead. But he’s trying!
Number: 46
Name: Knight Owl
Japanese Name: Nightowl
Ruler of Country: King of Agos
Position: Night Warfare Commander
Weapon Name: Night Saber (Golden Fleur-de-lis Shortsword)
Affiliation: Decepticon
Series: 2
Species: Owl (Brown w/ Blue Armor)
Knight Owl is famous for being one of the Good Guys in the Blackthrone comic. He’s a wild and crazy guy, as they wanted to go total opposite from the “wise old owl” stereotype. It looks like Japan was feeling that as well, but they made him a villain who lead night assaults upon the forces of good. Using his cybernetic eye, Owl sweeps over the battle field and strikes where he can. Knight Owl got his eye in a fight with the Borg, both him and Blitzkrieg Bat we captured and there was assimilation attempts, Borg components attached, some battling, and escape, and lasting cybernetic eyes. Both Owl and Bat were taken because they were the only ones up that night flying in the air. Knight Owl forged his sword out of the melted down Borg components he took off of his body as he was healing. Renamed the Night Saber, it adapts to his opponents’ attacks and has become one of the deadliest weapons on Planet Beast. Knight Owl is now a hero, but his dark Borg past still haunts him, unlike Bat who has wiped his mind from the memories. Knight Owl thinks that he might one day turn back to the path of evil, and has prepared plans for a suicide attack to go down in a blaze of glory were that to happen. Let’s hope the sun always shines on Nightowl.
Number: 47
Name: Hunchback Camel
Japanese Name: Yellow Camelus
Ruler of Country: King of Tel Es Sawan
Position: Transportation Staff Officer
Weapon Name: Airnizer (Golden Cactus-Leaf-Shaped Club)
Affiliation: Autobot
Series: 2
Species: Camel (Tan w/ Orange Armor)
Let’s hear it for Camel! Camel! He’s Yellow! He’s a camel! Give him a hand! Someone? Anyone? No one likes Camel. So sad. Camel didn’t do anything wrong, except be a camel. That’s not really a crime, but compared to the many awesome Beasts out there, being a camel isn’t the cream of the crop. It isn’t even close to cream. There is no cream. Camels spit, so maybe Hunchback should have spitting powers. Sadly, his job is Transportation Staff Officer, which means that people ride on his back. How demeaning is that? Camel gets no respect. I say, Camel should be respected! Look at his weapon! It’s a cactus leaf on a stick! How cool is that? Very cool. Camel also has the best defense against the horde of evil water Beast, he can live in the desert!
Number: 48
Name: Pillaging Polar Bear
Japanese Name: Polar Battle Bear
Ruler of Country: King of North Yutoranta
Position: Ice Field Combat Unit
Weapon Name: Polar Freezer (Golden Crescent Axe)
Affiliation: Autobot
Series: 2
Species: Bear (White Polar w/ Baby Blue Armor)
Oh, come on! The Heck this guy looks like a freaking Polar Bear! He’s a Llama, and you know it! No one thinks this goon is a Polar Bear! Polar Bears aren’t that streamlined! Where’s the black parts that make him look like an actual bear? This is a lie. A dirty, dirty Battle Beast LIE! Not only that, “Polar Bear” doesn’t even have a number on his body, only his weapon is numbered. “Polar Bear” is the only Beast without a number on his body. Because he’s not a real polar bear! He’s a Llama who got lost, then lied to the military recruiters when they came by so he could get into the army. Was life under the Aztecs that cruel? I guess it was. He’s rather live in the arctic than be ritually sacrificed. well, me too. Good thing I don’t suck as much as “Polar Bear” does. You are a Llama. Llama llama llama.
Number: 49
Name: Flying Attacker
Japanese Name: Squire Squirrel
Ruler of Country: Emperor of Hariso
Position: Land and Air Offensive Unit
Weapon Name: Musasa Beamer (Golden Scimitar)
Affiliation: Autobot
Series: 2
Species: Flying Squirrel (Yellow w/ Blue Armor)
Look! Up in the sky! It’s a bird! It’s a Plane! It’s…a squirrel? Oh, that’s right, some squirrels fly. Like this one, Squire Squirrel. Suire Squirrel likes to fly around and drop bombs on the enemy, which doesn’t mean what you think it does, you dirty minded pervert! Get out of the gutter and get into Battle Beasts! Flying Attacker is not a name, but a description. What a lame name. That would be like if my name was “Internet Writer”. Totally lame. At least he has the Musasa Beamer, which has the cool “Musasa” name. Musasa is like Mufasa, so it’s cool. Mufasa! I mean, Musasa! Take that, Hyenas! This is all well and good, until Squire Squirrel was killed by his brother Scar Squirrel, who took over the Squirrel Pride. Luckily, Swiny Boar, Marauding MeerKat, and Simba Squirrel returned to defeat him. Disney made a movie out of it, but changed a few details. Namely, Swiny Boar doesn’t eat bugs, he eats mud.
Number: 50
Name: Saber Sword Tiger
Japanese Name: Platinum Tiger
Ruler of Country: King of Hariso
Position: Honor Combatant
Weapon Name: Saber Sword (Golden Fencing Sword)
Affiliation: Autobot
Series: 2
Species: Saber-toothed Tiger (Yellow w/ Light Blue Armor)
Saber Sword Tiger is the first of a kind, the Beast who is an extinct animal. In Battle Beast Lore, the Saber Sword Tigers were the Royal Guards for the Lion Royal Family, and Platinum Tiger was imprisoned in a Holography Mirror as he tried to call for help from the Autobots. He even has a special holographic card, that came packaged with Triple Threat Snake (in Japan only.) Armed with a fencing sword, he looks like a danger. You can see why he was a guard in the Royal Family. After finally being freed, Saber Sword Tiger joined the Autobot Beasts and helped save Planet Beast. Currently, Saber Sword Tiger is leading an expedition into the jungles of Hogland to search for the legendary Stoned Pig. He likes strawberries.
Number: 51
Name: Bludgeoning Bulldog
Japanese Name: Bullorn
Ruler of Country: King of Madora
Position: Sergeant
Weapon Name: Bullstick (Golden Cane)
Affiliation: Autobot
Series: 2
Species: Bulldog (Brown w/ Black Armor)
Bulldog has a cane, so he got a lot of “Old Bulldog” jokes and took on a persona like Ironhide from the Transformers, and eventually Kup. According to his position, he’s a Sergeant, which means he whips the troops into shape. Imagine him like R. Lee Ermey, yelling at his troops “We keep Beast Heaven packed with fresh souls!” and “I’m going to rip your balls off, so you cannot contaminate the rest of the world.” On captured Beasts “What is your major malfunction, numbnuts?” That’s what any good Battle Beast cartoon needs.
Number: 52
Name: Pew-trid Skunk
Japanese Name: Ultragas
Ruler of Country: Emperor of Loze
Position: Construction Soldier
Weapon Name: Air-Changer (Golden Curved Scimitar)
Affiliation: Decepticon
Series: 2
Species: Skunk (Purple w/ Black Armor)
The Battle Beasts answer to Stinkor, Skunk is unfortunately not made with special smelly plastic, so he doesn’t have a bad smell. Skunk himself is armed with a gasmask and some weird tubs sticking out of the tops of his arms. He looks like some sort of psychotic Goth all clubbed up. His Japanese name is the terrible Ultragas, which makes you think of things besides Skunk shooting poison gas from his rear. Wait, yes it does, just not in that way. Skunk is a messed up individual, living a solitary life as he mixes poison gases together to dispense on his enemies. His enemies despise him. His allies avoid him. He has no family, no friends, no nothing, except his gas. Precious, precious gas. What the heck is a “Construction Soldier” anyway? Does he attack buildings under construction? Does he build stuff on the battlefield, an odd job for a poison gas specialist? This is heading to a disturbing area, so let’s move on to Series Three…
Series 2, Part ISeries 3, Part I

Special Thanks:
White Leo’s Site
Beastformers.com
Master List (Aratak’s Plastic Warriors)

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Posted by Tars Tarkas - July 11, 2006 at 11:53 am

Categories: Battle Beasts   Tags:

Brazilian Star Wars


Brazilian Star Wars

aka Os Trapalhões na Guerra dos Planetas aka The Tramps in the War of the Planets

1978
Starring
Renato Aragão as Didi (Hat Guy)
Dedé Santana as Dedé (Dirty Guy)
Zacarias as Zacarias (Black Guy)
Mussum as Mussum (Moe Guy)
Carlos Kurt as Zucco (Vader)
Pedro Aguinaga as Prince Flick (Luke)
Emil Rached as Bonzo (Chewie)

It’s Brazilian Star Wars! Yes, just like Turkish Star Wars, only much much worse. In fact, as Turkish Star Wars becomes a fun film after a spell, Brazilian Star Wars just becomes more and more painful. Noticeably, Brazil does not have a Cunyet Arkin. They don’t have a Harrison Ford, or even a Jabba the Hutt puppeteer. Not even the Wookiee Soft-core Porn and Bea Arthur of The Star Wars Holiday Special. They do have four annoying losers known as Os Trapalhões (aka The Tramps.) The problem with Os Trapalhões is Os Trapalhões. Os Trapalhões just plain sucks. The Tramps are like the Three Stooges, if the Three Stooges never made a funny film, did worse slapstick than a Fatty Arbuckle trial, and used “funny” video editing techniques to speed up or slow down their performance. The Tramps entertained a generation of young people in Brazil, and if you want to know how they turned out, just watch City of God. TarsTarkas.NET takes a brave stand by entering into this world of hopelessness, because we feel it’s our duty to guide you to the promised land on the other side. Our one true hope is this site doesn’t denigrate into a gang-ridden slum.

This film follows in the tradition of Turkish Wizard of Oz and Turkish Star Trek by inserting characters into a popular story. In this case, four characters are dropped into the middle of a “Star Wars”. The Tramps did several films like this, including versions of The Planet of the Apes and The Wizard of Oz. Sadly, we are dragged along for the ride. Os Trapalhões are four members: The one that has Moe’s haircut (Moe Guy), the one that’s a black guy (Black Guy), the one that’s dirty-looking (Dirty Guy), and the one that’s wearing a biker hat (Hat Guy, the main character). Hat Guy is the leader in this film. What are their real names? I could look that information up, but these guys are terrible and after finishing this recap I will be huffing several gallons of gasoline in order to damage my brain enough to forget this experience. I no longer trust repressed memories after Cyber Seduction: His Secret Life. Okay, I lied, I looked up some of it. Hat Guy is really Didi, played by Renato Aragão, who’s second wife grew up watching him on TV. Dirty Guy is played by Dedé Santana (and is known as Dedé.) Black Guy is played by the actor Mussum. Moe Guy is Zacarias. The one good thing about this film is it’s lack of dialogue, which keeps you from having to try to decipher a complicated plot. The version I watched was subtitle-free, but the story is easy to figure out, even though most of the rest of the film is confusing beyond all means of describing. Brazil compensated by adding a revolting disco soundtrack, so the same few beats will repeat over and over again, increasing the torture. We won’t get anywhere by complaining, so let’s get cracking and enter the world of Os Trapalhões na Guerra dos Planetas. Break out your lightsabers, it’s a wretched hive of scum and villainy ahead…


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Posted by Tars Tarkas - July 5, 2006 at 11:22 pm

Categories: Movies, Ugly   Tags: , , , , , , , , , , ,