2006 Tarsies Nominations

The 2006 Razzies were a disappointment to say the least. They’ve dropped all pretense of rewarding the worst of the worst, and nominated anyone they could to get into the scandal mags. Well, enough is enough. We need real leadership. We need real decisiveness. Therefore, TarsTarkas.NET has sprung into action, and started our own award. Titled the “Tarsies” (as opposed to the alternatives Tarzzies and Tarscers) we strive to bring respect back to Bad Movie Awards. So, without further ado, we shall begin with our nominations. The winners will be announced in a week or so, because we can’t keep the world in suspense for so long…

Worst Movie

Alone in the Dark Uwe Boll’s tragedy of a video game adaptation.
Son of the Mask That dog tried to murder the baby! It’s FUNNY!
xXx: State of the Union This movie did so bad the director Lee Tamahori had to sell his body for money! (OK, that’s not why he did that, but still…)
Elektra “Some lessons can’t be taught, Elektra. They must be lived to be understood.” I’ve lived and now understand the harsh lesson taught here…
Cry_Wolf “Did you hear about all the murders on campus?” “LOL Who is this?”

Worst Actor

Christian Slater — Alone in the Dark Acting that inspires one to claw out their eyes and ears, will next assult us in Hollow Man 2.
Jamie Kennedy — SON OF THE MASK Far funnier than the mess shown here, Kennedy performs here like his family was held hostage, and they probably were.
Rob Schneider — DEUCE BIGALOW: EUROPEAN GIGOLO Giving Chris Kattan hope that he can act.
Vin Diesel — The Pacifier Come on, Vin, I want to like you, stop doing terrible films!
Martin Lawrence — Rebound Martin Lawrence needs to learn to turn down a role from time to time. Do some stand up, start producing, be funny again. Please.
Penguin #14523 — March of the Penguins I’ve seen more convincing penguins fighting Batman!

Worst Actress

Tara Reid — Alone in the Dark Tara Reid as a scientist is as believable as my claim that I am Emperor of the Marshmallow Men!
Ashlee Simpson — Undiscovered And so she should have remained. Too bad she couldn’t hoe-down her way out of this embarrassment, then pretend she had “acid reflux.” I’ll give you acid reflux, you no-talent maggot.
Natalie Portman — Star Wars: Episode III – Revenge of the Sith A fine actress doomed to sound like cardboard thanks to a director who’d rather work with computers.
Paris Hilton — House of Wax That’s not hot. She did better acting in her “home movie.”
Jane Fonda — Monster in law Fifteen years without making a movie, and THIS is what we get?

Worst Director

Dr. Uwe Boll — Alone in the Dark With so many movies running down the pipeline, it will be at least a decade before he’s not nominated for Worst Director.
Lawrence Guterman — SON OF THE MASK Seppuku is a career you should be considering
Jaume Collet-Serra House of Wax Paris Hilton did not have to audition – she was the director’s only choice for her role. The rest of the cast was built around her.
Michael Bay — The Island “She says, ‘I’m not fucking wearing this cheap-ass black bra, okay? I’m going naked.'”I’m like, ‘Scarlett, you can’t go naked. It’s a PG-13!”
Rupert Wainwright — The Fog If you ever wondered how to take a perfectly good horror film, and destroy it, follow what this guy did to the original for his remake.

Worst Remake

The Fog Enough horror remakes! Especially when all they do is make me wish I was watching the original!
Bewitched Let’s be clever and make the remake be about a remake! BRILLIANT!
Yours, Mine and Ours Look out, Cheaper by the Dozen, the battle of the families with dozens of kids has just begun…
The Honeymooners “To the Moon, Alice!” To the moon with this “reimagining,” please
Assault on Precinct 13 Take a perfectly good film, change the black hero to white, the white prisoner to black, no ice cream girl getting shot, and make the bad guys really police officers=They just didn’t care to get it.

Worst Sequel

Son of the Mask Jim Carrey passed, learn from Dumb and Dumber 2 people
DEUCE BIGALOW: EUROPEAN GIGOLO “Deuce” is the box office amount this turkey made.
Return of the Living Dead 4&5 (Necropolis and Rave to the Grave) Rave to the Grave is the most hilariously bad title I’ve seen for a sequel. Two films made back to back with the same actors in completely different roles, they combine to make one horrible mess.
xXx: State of the Union Oh, we just killed Vin Diesel on the special edition DVD, so now we can bring you this badly written followup without waiting for the “XXX buzz” to die down.
Miss Congeniality 2: Armed and Fabulous If I was armed when I saw this, I’d have taken my own life…

Worst “The” movie

The Fog Should be “Da Fog”
The Man Should be “Da Man”
The Cave Should be “Rave to the Cave”
The Island Should be “Clonus” aka “Parts: The Clonus Horror.”
The Skeleton Key Should be “This ‘THE’ joke has gone it’s course now”

Worst DTV movie (Direct to Video)

Single White Female 2: The Psycho Same story, different actors
Wild Things 3: Diamonds in the Rough Same story, different actors, but 100% more lesbians!!!
Man-Thing Man-Thing, you make my colon sing!
Cyber Seduction: His Secret Life Reefer Madness for rest of us!
Hammerhead Part man, part hammerhead shark! But the video store I rent from refused to get this! I’ll review it as soon as I can.

Christian Slater Alone in the Dark

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Written by Tars Tarkas

Tars Tarkas

Runs this joint!