Cerberus
Cerberus
2005
Starring
Greg Evigan as Marcus Cutter
Garret Sato as Kul Jae Sung
Sebastian Spence as Jake Adams
Emmanuelle Vaugier as Dr. Samantha Gaines
Gelu Nitu as Radu
Directed by John Terlesky
Sci-Fi Channel is the never ending fountain of original films where a monster runs around and terrorizes people until it’s done away with by the few remaining main characters left, barring a “shock ending” that happens around a third of the time. So many creatures have stomped, crashed, slithered, and slimed their way across Sci-Fi’s airwaves, that they are starting to run low on things to make run around. They’ve already made pretty much every snake possible attack at some point, sharks attack more often on one hour of Sci-Fi channel than in a year of real life, dinosaurs run around like Jurassic Park opened on everyone’s street corner, and now it’s time to run into mythology. First there was Manticore, and now Cerberus. Cerberus comes directly to us from Cinetel Films, who is bringing us such future winners as Komodo vs. King Cobra and Caved In: Prehistoric Terror, Directed by the wonderful John Terlesky, whose upcoming film Alien Fire, where aliens emerge from the sun and attack earth, must surely be a future classic, especially with Robert Beltran, Sandrine Holt, and Nicholas Brendon in the cast. Beltrane was last fighting Manticores, Sandrine Bugs, and Brendon nothing that showed up here (get cracking, Brendon!) Enough about the future of this motley crew, it’s time for the present, and that present is Cerberus, a three-headed dog who was the guardian of Hades, and now should just be put to sleep. I’m dog-gone tired of unimaginative films in this genre where they take a halfway decent idea then skimp out on the gore. (Yes, expect many more lame dog puns!) Cerberus attacks people=good idea. Some guy running around with a magic sword, and Cerberus wanders in every once in a while to kill a random person or two, but less than the main villain! It’s lame! Make with the Monster Death! Not shooting, or swording, but dog-chomping! Cerberus should have made kibbles out of the entire cast! Hopefully, those future projects can bring us what we crave, high death counts from monsters eating people! (Well, Caved In won’t…)
Categories: Movies, Ugly Tags: Emmanuelle Vaugier, Garret Sato, Gelu Nitu, Greg Evigan, John Terlesky, SciFi Channel, Sebastian Spence
2006 Tarsies Winners!!!
After a slight delay due to real life doing real life things, here are the winners, as promised! The 2006 Tarsies will go down in legend. Maybe. Sure. If I remember to do them again next year. Or something. Just read on!
Worst Movie
Alone in the Dark — Yes, the obvious is the clear winner. Dr. Uwe Boll is a master of pain in celluloid form. The leads had the chemistry of toxic waste, the sex scene made me sterile, the pointless bullet-time was a leftover from his previous movie. The slaughter of the whole team for no reason was just bizare, not to mention badly cribbed from Aliens. The ending….my God, the ending….. I’d rather go hunting with Dick Cheney than sit through this again!
Read more…
Categories: Cinema Articles Tags: Tarsies
2006 Tarsies Nominations
The 2006 Razzies were a disappointment to say the least. They’ve dropped all pretense of rewarding the worst of the worst, and nominated anyone they could to get into the scandal mags. Well, enough is enough. We need real leadership. We need real decisiveness. Therefore, TarsTarkas.NET has sprung into action, and started our own award. Titled the “Tarsies” (as opposed to the alternatives Tarzzies and Tarscers) we strive to bring respect back to Bad Movie Awards. So, without further ado, we shall begin with our nominations. The winners will be announced in a week or so, because we can’t keep the world in suspense for so long…
| Alone in the Dark | Uwe Boll’s tragedy of a video game adaptation. |
| Son of the Mask | That dog tried to murder the baby! It’s FUNNY! |
| xXx: State of the Union | This movie did so bad the director Lee Tamahori had to sell his body for money! (OK, that’s not why he did that, but still…) |
| Elektra | “Some lessons can’t be taught, Elektra. They must be lived to be understood.” I’ve lived and now understand the harsh lesson taught here… |
| Cry_Wolf | “Did you hear about all the murders on campus?” “LOL Who is this?” |
Categories: Cinema Articles Tags: Tarsies
House of the Dead 2
House of the Dead 2
aka House of the Dead 2: Dead Aim
2006
Starring
Emmanuelle Vaugier as Alex “Nightingale”
Ed Quinn as Ellis
Sticky Fingaz as Dalton
Victoria Pratt as Henson
James Parks as Bart
Dan Southworth as Nakagawa
Nadine Velazquez as Rodriguez
Sid Haig as Professor Curien
Directed by Michael Hurst
Dr. Uwe Boll shocked the world with his adaptation of Sega Games House of the Dead. Shocked as in people were shocked at how inept and mishandled a movie could be in this day and age. Despite being a bigger box office bomb than Hiroshima, House of the Dead made money, mostly through advanced DVD sales and television rights selling, combined with a German tax loophole that Boll is an expert in exploiting. Following the rules of Hollywood, if a movie even makes 1/2 a cent of profit, a sequel is instantly approved. Thus, we now are graced with House of the Dead 2. 95% of sequels are worse than their predecessors, but this is one of the rare 5% that is actually better than the film it’s related to. Does that make HOTD2 a good movie? Far from it, but it’s much more fun, and put together better. It’s still full of plot holes so large the planet earth could glide through with zero difficulty, and acting that’s outshone by posters on the wall. Dr. Boll was busy filming BloodRayne, so he was unable to make Cinematic Abortion 2: Abortion Boogaloo, so instead we get former kickboxing champion Michael Hurst. Michael Hurst may be familiar to you as the cowriter of Mansquito and Nature Unleashed: Fire, so he is versatile in the realm of schlock and crap. The two main stars are Ed Quinn from Starship Troopers 2, and Emmanuelle Vaugier, fresh off her starring role in Cerberus. Bonus stars who are actually much more famous than the leads include Sticky Fingaz as the leader of the Special forces group, who will become Blade in the TV series based on the movies. We also get Sid Haig, from House of 1000 Corpses, who must be trying to corner the market on House of…. movies, when he’s not starring with Pam Grier. There’s also a Power Ranger running around somewhere. Sure, it’s a dangerous film, fraught with the horrors of bad cinema, but it outshines it’s predecessor in several way. Is there any video game scenes as cuts? Is there 360 degree Matrix-style shots of every character? Is the small improvements enough to prevent damage to the minds of those who see this? Read on, read on…
Categories: Movies, Ugly Tags: Dan Southworth, Ed Quinn, Emmanuelle Vaugier, James Parks, Masi Oka, Michael Hurst, Nadine Velazquez, Sid Haig, Sticky Fingaz, Unnecessary sequels, Uwe Boll, Victoria Pratt, zombies
