Single White Female 2: The Psycho (Review)

Single White Female 2: The Psycho

Kristen Miller as Holly Parker
Allison Lange as Tess Kositch
Todd Babcock as David Kray
Brooke Burns as Jan Lambert
Kyme as Doctor

After watching the original Single White Female, all of America demanded the further adventures of Allie Jones. I myself joined in the furious letter-writing campaign. Thirteen years later, after many pitfalls, we get the fruit of our labors, and it is sweet fruit indeed. CORRECTION: No one demanded crap, and these fruits are as bitter as under ripe lemon Sweettarts. To aid America in receiving a gift no one wants are THREE(!) writers, including Ross Helford and Andy Hurst, who heaped Wild Things 2 and Wild Things 3 upon a warring nation. Following our observations on those two movies, i.e. they are just carbon copies, complete with all the imperfections not having the original produces, we regret to inform you that this is the exact same thing. They took the original story, and just switched actors, with the plot modified so slightly that they just replaced “gay neighbor” with “slutty friend.” That takes about 3 seconds with Microsoft Word, so these guys sure earned their paychecks. They also managed to take out some of the defining moments of the original film, like almost all the nudity (except some extras at a sex club) and no one is stabbed in the eye with a high heeled shoe. How can you make a sequel with no shoe stabbing? That’s like making a Free Willy movie with no whale. As for the actors, they’re made up of such wonderful places as She Spies, USA High, Baywatch, and amazingly Band of Brothers. Well, sometimes people just gotta slum. And what slumming they are doing.

We start out with a title screen that looks like it was made with MS Paint. You know how Paint makes text boxes with white backgrounds? Yep. Just use the spray-paint tool to make yourself a “2” and it’s all set. No expense is spared in the execution of this fine cinematic masterwork. “The Psycho” is in it’s own box, suggesting they were coming up with different titles and “The Psycho” was the best they could do. Well, DUH! What’s next, Planet of the Apes 2: Apes? Better titles: Single White Female 2: Psycho Harder, Single White Female 2: Electric Psycholoo, or even better Single White Female 2: Electric SFW!

A little girl sees her mom killer herself in the bathtub, then we jump to modern day without an explanation on who it was. Holly Parker and her party time roommate Slut McSlutterson (or Jan, aka Brooke Burns from Baywatch) are getting ready to go out for a night on the town. the night being a party related to the PR firm they both work at, at which they are both vying for a promotion as well. They are given orders by their accented boss to snare David Kray, hip cook who is opening his own restaurant. Both Holly and Jan work their feminine wiles upon David, who accepts the change of PR firms thanks to Holly, but in reality because he and her are having the sex. Well, he’s having sex with her body double, and even she doesn’t show off much. Way to once again not have the main actresses naked, instead their body doubles, also following the tracks laid out by Wild Things 2 and Wild Things 3. These tracks lead us off of a cliff, falling into Eastwood Ravine (Nod to BTTF 3!) as if we cannot trust direct to video films for our pure smut, where will we turn? Body doubles belong to mainstream actresses, not alums from She Spies. For shame to the producers, they should be beaten with copies of the direct to the video store movie Into the Sun.

Secure in her victory, Holly goes to Chicago for a meeting while David’s restaurant has it’s big announcement that it will be opening soon, leaving Jan in charge. I think you can all see what is going to happen, as the meeting in Chicago is a ruse and David managed to go where so many many many others had gone before. What’s interesting is the receptionist who tells Holly there is no meeting is played by Rebecca Lin, who has also played “Receptionist” many times on Boston Legal, putting this film in the same universe, even if she was working in a different place. So soon we can expect William Shatner to come strolling in. Sadly, no…he would have made this soooooo much better. Holly returns just after the deed is done, and vows revenge upon them all. Maybe she’s the psycho! She even throws a bunch of things at David. So Holly looks for a new place to live, and we get a montage of bad potential roommates. Not set to a cool montage song, though. So….which roommate will she end up with? The punk? Or…the Psycho???

Yep, the Punk. I’m kidding! Of course, the Psycho looks normal at first. Normal as in a hot girl trying to look plain like they do in movies all the time. She throws in some jokes about being crazy as a wink to the audience, one of the few spots of brilliance in the script, so I’m guessing it was improvised by the actresses. Meanwhile at the PR firm, David still wants Holly to do his PR job. I was unaware that restaurants needed a constant stream of PR services, but that seems to be the case. David’s place is having it’s opening night, and there is going to be a big shindig, and Holly has even invited the Psycho, who we should probably start calling by her name, Tess. The “T” is for “Crazy”! Wait…”Tcrazy”! Anyway, Jan keeps her from getting into the party, and Tess doesn’t take it too well, later telling Holly that her best friend killed herself in high school, and some guy used that as a means to get into her pants. It’s like a walking, talking LiveJournal!

James Madio from Band of Brothers! He also costarred with Kristen Miller (Holly) on the TV series USA High, which I am proud to say I have never seen. Holly sets him up on a date with Tess as a reward for some favors. Boy, what does she do to her enemies? Castrate them and ritualistically eat their testicles while slowly lowering their mother into a vat of boiling acid? Holly is also a trespassing violator of privacy, as she goes into Tess’s room, finds a trunk under the bed, and breaks into it. Tess sees her do this but Holly doesn’t notice, and Tess doesn’t confront her. Tess claims James Madio tried to force himself upon her, but James Madio says it ain’t so. Who are you going to believe, a guy who fought Hitler or a lady who’s called “The Psycho”?

Red liquid in the bathroom makes Holly have flashbacks to her mom’s suicide, answering the question of which girl it was in the beginning of the film. Nothing exciting is happening anyway, except the psycho Tess has just dyed her hair red. Sort of like in the original film, how the crazy girl then dyed her hair red. But that was more of an Auburn shade, so it’s completely different! Dyed hair also freaks Holly out, I guess, since it fosters a fight for a bit, and Tess tries to kiss her. Since this is a Direct to Video sequel we expect some Lesbian Exploitation lovin’, but Tess is rebuked and suddenly Holly is walking in the street holding a cup of coffee. Did she just magically teleport there, or did the editor accidentally snipe out a tad too much? Anyway, she notices Tess dressed up in one of her dresses get into a taxi, and she follows Tess into the nightclub called “Sin.” Inside, Sin is an S&M club which delivers us some nudity by way of random extras, but not anything too exciting, and Holly watches as Tess is choked by some beefy guys in leather, demanding it “tighter!” Tess sees Holly there, but just closes her eyes and smiles, while asking for it to be even tighter. Holly is freaked out and goes running to David’s, where she spends the night but doesn’t “spend the night,” if you catch my innuendo.

Meanwhile, at the PR firm, Jan gets a bad review of David’s restaurant from a newspaper critic, putting her job in jeopardy, shaming the restaurant and her PR firm, and giving Holly a new opening, by getting a rival, and snobbier, critic to give a review. He eats while Tess assists in an involuntary suicide of an old man in the hospital where she works. Finally this movie reveals it’s true colors. Tess is Michael Schiavo, and Holly is Terri Schiavo! Look out, Holly/Terri! You’re gonna get murdered by the government! That’s about all the mileage I’m gonna get on that joke, so back to the recap. The good review in the paper let’s David express that he still loves Holly and wants her to move in with him. Because Holly realizes she isn’t getting any younger, and a guy who sleeps with whatever he can find the second she leaves town is the best she’s going to get, she agrees. Tess yells at her and yells at David, and Holly tells her that she’s moving out.

Next day at work, Holly seems to be wearing a top that is a combination of Wonderbra and bedroom slip top, definitely not what you should be wearing to work, especially since she is just awarded the big promotion, supposedly because of the hard work, but more than likely because Jan already nailed their boss so she had no leverage, and he decided to put Holly into a position where he can get his British claws into her. Afterwards, Holly and Jan become friends again. With the low-cut tops Holly keeps wearing, I’m straining my eyes looking for the “Welcome” tattoo, since a walking doormat like her must have that engraved across her body. That’s probably why there was the body double. Tess isn’t a doormat but is a crazymat, and invites Jan over (pretending to be Holly) and after a long sequence where we are teased with almost seeing something but once again delivering nothing, Tess penetrates Jan….with a KNIFE! In the stomach! Holly almost walks in on it, but not quite. Jan can’t seem to scream for help, probably paralyzed by dozens of STDs. She’s dead as dead can be in a few moments.

James Madio sends Holly some info on Tess as a high schooler where she was in a suicide pact, but didn’t keep her part of the deal. So Tess isn’t someone you can count on in a pinch. James Madio didn’t bother to appear in the movie at this point, he just delivers it in letter form, thus saving the producers another day of the high wages of James Madio, which was probably most of the film’s budget. David shows up at the apartment after failing to get informed that dinner was cancelled. Tess is there and Holly is not, allowing Tess to call Holly a liar and to drug David’s wine. As David is knocked out, she puts her panties around his neck and uses his hands to smack herself around a bit, then breaks a wine bottle upside his head. Calling 911, Tess claims assault. Holly is informed by Black Police Detective Who Will Be Killed Quickly Like All Minorities (BPDWWBKQLAM) and she instantly figures out it’s a lie. Holly snoops around the apartment finding creepy stuff while the hospital actually ran some tests and found the drugs in David, informing BPDWWBKQLAM. I though since Tess was a nurse, she would use her nurse skills to change the test results, but I guess that was too complicated. Tess has managed to vanished, as we all know she’s going home for the final psycho-fueled battle with Holly.

Holly finds Jan’s body stuffed in a trunk, and finds Tess finding her. They have th classic confrontation scenes with the crazy girl giving her crazy view of love that’s crazy, or even psycho. Tess is all about suicide pacts again, she’s been part of so many yet somehow keeps being around for the next one. Tess forces Holly into the bathtub for Suicide Pact 2: Wristslash Harder, but Holly distracts Tess by telling her she loves her. That gives her an opening to stab Tess and run out to the hallway, where BPDWWBKQLAM is there to get stabbed. Take that, minority! Only the richest white people survive this film. The girls have a tussle, where Holly gets BPDWWBKQLAM’s gun. “You can never hurt me, Holly, you love me!” taunts Tess, but Holly shoots her in the shoulder, which is a leather shot.

David and Holly are looking for new apartments, and Holly wanders into the bathroom of one and sees Tess’s image in the mirror, showing she’s starting to crack a bit. It’s the end of the movie, so she doesn’t go all the way nuts. Only 5%. So by Single White Female 21: The Cyborg, she ought to be 100% crazy. Anyway, the realtor was female, so David probably slept with her when Holly was in the bathroom, serves her right for daring to not be immediately in front of him at all times.

That’s it, can someone please explain one thing: WHY?????? Why a sequel to such an old movie that just rehashes it badly? Why is this company getting away with doing it multiple times? I’m going to write a sequel to Sin City, where I’ll just change one tiny thing and film it with inferior actors. Sin City 2: The Sinner coming this summer to a video store near you! Take that, Hollywood, I totally burned you with my “in your face” stylings.

Oh, movie, you’re so disappointing, and my standards for you were so low in the first place they were barely above ground. I think I’ve had roommates worse than one who tries to become me then kill me, especially when written as badly as here. Put some spice into it. Single White Female 3 (and there will be an SWF3 to complete the trilogy!) better be chock full of crazies. Or naked chicks. But not boring rehash. Unfortunately, the writer’s track records don’t seem up to the challenge. You will get more entertainment interviewing for apartments in the city yourself.

The actress playing the doctor is named Kyme? Is that pronounced Ky-me or Kime or Kim-me? If I ever change my name to a singular, please Killme.

Rated 3/10 (Down not across, Receptionist, Snob Reviewer)

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Written by Tars Tarkas

Tars Tarkas

Runs this joint!