Asian Charlie’s Angels
Asian Charlie’s Angels
2001
Starring
Christy Chung! as An Qi
Kelly Lin Hsi-Lei as ???
Annie Wu Chen-Chun as ???/Zheng Ke Ren
Cheng Jutsi as ???
??? as Feng Ming
??? as Zhong Wen
??? as Pan Jai Xi
It seems America is not the only country where guys named Charlie hire beautiful women to solve crimes. Hong Kong has joined the fun, and their Charlie follows in his American counterpart’s footsteps. What results is a television pilot for a failed Chinese TV series (as best as I can gather from the few available sources) complete with all the bad parts left in that show you why it wasn’t ordered as a full series. Lots of bad spots. A few bright spots show up, but the show mostly contains some odd elements, some things left completely unexplained, and two main characters developed so flimsily that the VCD case this movie came in is thicker. The three Angels are played by some well known actresses, which puts the failure entirely on the shoulders of the writers/directors/producers. How you can score some big names and then fail in every other aspect must take some skill. Well, Uwe Boll pulls it off, but China should be emulating good directors. Christy Chung is the biggest name here of the three, not only is she super hot, but she’s pretty well known internationally. Kelly Lin is also known a bit outside of Hong Kong, as is Annie Wu, but neither to the extent of Christy Chung (Chung was previously seen here in Red Wolf.) Still, they are all big names in Hong Kong, and star power alone should have guaranteed a hit, even moderately. That it didn’t should be a warning sign. A big warning sign. Billboard size. Billboard seen from space size. Billboard seen from outside the galaxy size. What I’m saying is, pretty big. This is technically Part 2, seeming to be the second half of a two-hour pilot, yet it’s pretty stand alone as it is. If I ever run across Part 1, I’ll update this review, but there is no need to wait, especially since there is plenty of pain to go around for this episode, mixed with the guilty pleasure of seeing the hot Angels run around. From what little I’ve found of the missing first half, it has nothing to do with what happens here, anyway. So let’s sail away on the Angel train of adventure. Grab your halo and wings, it will be a bumpy ride…
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Categories: Movies, Ugly Tags: Annie Wu Chen-Chun, Christy Chung Lai-Tai, Hong Kong, Kelly Lin Hsi-Lei, Women who kick butt
Single White Female 2: The Psycho
Single White Female 2: The Psycho
2005
Starring
Kristen Miller as Holly Parker
Allison Lange as Tess Kositch
Todd Babcock as David Kray
Brooke Burns as Jan Lambert
Kyme as Doctor
After watching the original Single White Female, all of America demanded the further adventures of Allie Jones. I myself joined in the furious letter-writing campaign. Thirteen years later, after many pitfalls, we get the fruit of our labors, and it is sweet fruit indeed. CORRECTION: No one demanded crap, and these fruits are as bitter as under ripe lemon Sweettarts. To aid America in receiving a gift no one wants are THREE(!) writers, including Ross Helford and Andy Hurst, who heaped Wild Things 2 and Wild Things 3 upon a warring nation. Following our observations on those two movies, i.e. they are just carbon copies, complete with all the imperfections not having the original produces, we regret to inform you that this is the exact same thing. They took the original story, and just switched actors, with the plot modified so slightly that they just replaced “gay neighbor” with “slutty friend.” That takes about 3 seconds with Microsoft Word, so these guys sure earned their paychecks. They also managed to take out some of the defining moments of the original film, like almost all the nudity (except some extras at a sex club) and no one is stabbed in the eye with a high heeled shoe. How can you make a sequel with no shoe stabbing? That’s like making a Free Willy movie with no whale. As for the actors, they’re made up of such wonderful places as She Spies, USA High, Baywatch, and amazingly Band of Brothers. Well, sometimes people just gotta slum. And what slumming they are doing.
We start out with a title screen that looks like it was made with MS Paint. You know how Paint makes text boxes with white backgrounds? Yep. Just use the spray-paint tool to make yourself a “2″ and it’s all set. No expense is spared in the execution of this fine cinematic masterwork. “The Psycho” is in it’s own box, suggesting they were coming up with different titles and “The Psycho” was the best they could do. Well, DUH! What’s next, Planet of the Apes 2: Apes? Better titles: Single White Female 2: Psycho Harder, Single White Female 2: Electric Psycholoo, or even better Single White Female 2: Electric SFW!
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Categories: Movies, Ugly Tags: Allison Lange, Brooke Burns, DTV, Kristen Miller, Kyme, Rebecca Lin, Todd Babcock, Unnecessary sequels
Doom
Doom
2005
Starring
Karl Urban as John Grimm
The Rock as Sarge
Rosamund Pike as Samantha Grimm
Deobia Oparei as Destroyer
Ben Daniels as Goat
Dexter Fletcher as Pinky
A video game with a cult-like following, which pretty much single-handedly changed First Person Shooters (FPS) into a game archetype of their own. A game every male of my generation with a computer played when it came out, and map sites still exist on the internet. Scientists open a portal to Hell on Martian moons, and demons come through killing anyone they can get their claws on. Only the Doom Guy (as I and my friends called him) stands in their way. Oh, and there is some sequel that came out recently that’s pretty dark, I hear. With lame franchises like Alone in the Dark and Double Dragon losing money at the box office, it was only a matter of time before studios got the bigger named video game movies out so they, too, could lose lots of money. That was attempted to be avoided with this film, where they actually kept some aspects of the plot, and introduced some gimmicks to get people in the audience. But is the film any good? Or are we doommed? Will I use any more terribly obvious puns? Read on, read on…
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Categories: Bad, Movies Tags: Ben Daniels, Deobia Oparei, Dexter Fletcher, Karl Urban, Rosamund Pike, The Rock, Video game movie
The Red Wolf
The Red Wolf
aka Hu meng wei long
1995
Starring
Christy Chung (!!) as Lai
Kenny Ho as Alan
Elaine Lui as Elaine
Directed by Yuen Woo Ping !!
Die Hard on a boat done Hong Kong style. Done better with Under Siege, but at least this film has Yuen Woo Ping directing, one of the best action choreographers to ever live. So the fight scenes are well-choreographed crap. And it’s got some nice eye candy with Christy Chung playing a waitress/pickpocket. That more than makes up for the rest of this mess. Yes, it’s a mess. If you’re gonna go Die Hard on a boat, you gotta have the Segal. The plot is pretty straightforward, terrorists, hijackings, we’ve all seen it a thousand times before.
Categories: Movies, Ugly Tags: Christy Chung Lai-Tai, Die Hard on a _____, Elaine Lui Siu-Ling, Hong Kong, Kenny Ho Ga-Ging, Ngai Sing, Yuen Woo Ping
Monkey War
Monkey War
1982
Starring
Lau Seung-Him as Monkey King (Sun Wukong)
??? as Pig (Zhu Bajie)
??? as Tangseng
??? as Sand Monk (Sha Wujing)
Monkey King and his friends encounter two con job fake priests, Spider Women with a Giant Fire-breathing Spider, and flying birdmen lead by shapeshifting bats. This is a collection of what looks like three episodes of a Journey to the West (or Monkey) Series combined into a movie. Problem is, the movie is is Chinese, with zero subtitles! I completely missed the giant “No Subtitles” sticker on the video box, totally enthralled by the painting of a giant flame-breathing spider on the video cover. Not knowing what’s going on in a movie isn’t a new phenomenon here at TarsTarkas.NET, even when the film is in English! Unlike the trickle of Turkish cinema that pops around without any subtitles at all, this time we got the movie’s number. Armed with a Chinese-speaking girlfriend (HI, Honey!) we trudged bravely forward. There is also a second advantage, with a film involving a story with such history as this, it’s easy to find some further information online, so that will be stop number one!
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