Come along and ride on a fantastic voyage
slide slide slippity-slide
with switches on the block in a ’65
It’s a fantastic voyage indeed, to the heart of the Turkish-Armenian border, which is ripe with pterodactyls. Yes, pterodactyls. Only one man can stand up to the pterodactyl menace, Coolio! Coolio’s experience in living the Gansta’s Paradise is the key factor in destroying the Jurassic Threat. This isn’t the typical Sci-Fi pictures movie with just one giant monster, there is a whole flock of pterodactyls swarming the Turkish air. No wonder Turkey gives us such wonderful films, they’re constantly being raided by prehistoric monsters!
An ancient volcano in Turkey erupts, causing eggs to roll down a strategically placed hatch inside the volcano. The eggs instantly begin to hatch, producing pterodactyl hand puppets. Seconds later, some Turkish hunters are out wandering the countryside. Turkish Rednecks dress like American Rednecks, they just look more like Goths. We get a pterodactyl-vision shot, and hunter number one is sliced in half! His bottom half stand a few seconds before crumpling down. The other hunters shoot back, but in vain. They are soon given a first hand look at why The Flintstones would never work in real life, as they become dinner.
Boy, these sharks sure are RAGIN’!!! The title does not lie, the sharks do go for a rage. Why are they raging? Red-orange alien crystals. Yes, aliens cause sharks to go bonkers. Like sharks need an excuse. Thrill to the horror of Parker Lewis himself, Corin Nemec, battling stock footage from the Discovery Channel. Shutter in horror at how low Corbin Bernsen’s career has fallen. Stand in awe at Vanessa Angel’s complete lack of emotion acting-wise. This film sure makes me rage! I’m like a shark on the prowl, I’ve sniffed blood and shall soon tear this film to pieces.
Like all decent shark movies, this one opens up in outer space as ID4 reject aliens crash an star cruiser into a space station at 3 miles per hour. I guess the aliens haven’t invented space-brakes. The explosion hurls what looks like a Bajoran Orb from Star Trek: Deep Space Nine into deep space, where it lands on Earth a few seconds later. The Orb is a good shot, and manages to land right on top of some Russian cruiser that’s in the Bermuda Triangle, being that the Bermuda Triangle is Russian’s number one port. The cruiser goes to the bottom of the ocean, with the orb aboard. Now we know why everything keeps disappearing in the Bermuda Triangle: Alien car wreck garbage keeps crashing into them. Somebody call Space-Geico! Look out for the Raging Gecko.
aka The Devastator
Rick Hill as Deacon Porter
Katt Shea as Audrey
Terrence O’Hara as Spencer
Kaz Garas as Sheriff
Jack S. Daniels as Ox
Steve Rogers as Reese
Directed by Cirio H. Santiago
The 1980′s were a heyday of low-budget, direct to video action films imported from overseas to sit on the shelves of video rental places, where they enjoyed a brief stay in the sun before they were buried beneath next week’s batch of cheap films, until they got relegated to the corner covered with dust, and finally sold for $3 when the store goes out of business thanks to the new Blockbuster that opened next door and Joe Sixpack’s preference for 400 copies of George of the Jungle instead of the decent obscure stuff the local houses got in. As these films have a good chance of disappearing off the face of the Earth forever when their tapes rot away, it is important to preserve them in our memories before we think it is but a figment of our Alzheimer’s. Directed by the Director of TNT Jackson who eventually became one of the most prolific directors out of the Philippines. The story of Vietnam Veterans wronged and resorting to their flashback ways and gunning down all who oppose them is a common theme in films from the eighties. (For an example we’ve covered before, see The Exterminator.)
Jason Voorhees returns for the tenth go around, this time, in space! Yes, in the grand tradition of Critters 4, Leprechaun 4, That one Hellraiser movie, Pigs in Space, and Dracula 3000, this horror franchise has to cut it’s teeth on the depths of space as well. And what lovely teeth they are. Teeth, that just look amazingly like Aliens. Heck, the screenwriter even named a character after a character from Alien, Dallas, who he played in this movie. Basically, we got Jason taking the place of facehuggers and tongue-stabbers. We get some neat bloody kills, some future technology jokes, a film that doesn’t take itself too seriously, a body count bigger than all the other films (I’m guessing the space station had a lot of people on it), a hot lead, Uber-Jason, lame puns, naked babes, and hot machete action. Let’s dive in!
Bill Murray as Don Johnston
Jeffrey Wright as Winston
Sharon Stone as Laura
Frances Conroy as Dora
Jessica Lange as Carmen
Tilda Swinton as Penny
Julie Delpy as Sherry
Alexis Dziena as Lolita
Directed by Jim Jarmusch
Just when you think 2005 will go down in history as the year good movies became endangered species, we get an entry that shows us there is still life yet in celluloid land. Bill Murray, reprising his lonely man role he’s been fine tuning in recent films such as Rushmore and Lost in Translation, teams with independent writer/director Jim Jarmusch of Ghost Dog: The Way of the Samurai fame in a film that gives us a man’s journey and self-discovery and some other clichéd sounding plot devices, yet the movie turns out better than it sounds. This is in a large part due to the massive amount of talent throughout the picture, in addition to the two I named previously. Murray is Don Johnston, a ladies man in his later years, who receives and anonymous letter from one of his former flames telling him he has a son he never knew he had who is now old enough he has come searching for his father. Don Johnston does not know which woman it could be, as there are five possibilities.