That 70’s Girl (Review)

That 70’s Girl


2003
Starring
Misty Mundae as Petal
Julian Wells as Ashleigh
Kelli Summers (Suzi Lorraine) as Jennifer
AJ Khan as Mandy
John Link as Househunter

Misty Mundae has become synonymous with soft-core lesbian sex flicks that are spoofs of popular culture. Her and Seduction Cinema seem to pump out five or six a year, probably produced over a period of three days each. This one doesn’t even seem to have taken three hours to make. The pattern of goofy jokes followed by lesbian sex is fine in practice, but several times in this movie the jokes in between last one sentence, to be followed by fifteen minute long sex scenes that are played on quarter speed. The fact that Misty Mundae pumps out five of these a year, many with much better production values, jokes, and scenes of women aardvarking in groups of twos, threes, and eighty-sevens, hurts this film, and the fact it clocks in at under 50 minutes long is another strike. The charm of this film is if you find the hippie lifestyle and That 70s Show attractive enough that you want to see the Skinimax version.

Sisters Ashleigh and Jennifer are in trouble, they got no money and need to keep their house. So they’ve decided to rent out a room to earn some extra dough. Ashleigh is the uptight bitchy girl while Jennifer is the easily influenced younger sister. Ashleigh also has her last name spelled in a horrid fashion. Ashley should be the only way, with possible exception of Ashly. Ashleigh, Ashlee, Aschlee, and any other stupid variation should result in the immediately execution of their parents, who I will wager would be white 99.9999% of the time. Someone seems to have gotten to these girls’ parents already, since they are out of the picture. The first interviewee is with John Link, who pops up in this films all the time. With good reason, as he looks like the homeless guy I saw at the bus station today. Wait…it IS the homeless guy I saw at the bus station today! No wonder they use him, you get a free star by giving him a buck and a bottle of scotch. He repulses the sisters to the point where they can barely keep their vomit down.

After that note, they finally get to That 70’s Girl, aka Petal, aka Misty Mundae. Petal acts just like every other Misty Mundae character, except with a Seventies theme, therefore she smokes pot, wears hippie clothes, and flashes the peace sign. The girls accept her as a roommate, because they are getting desperate. So now Petal will be paying $1500 a month to live in the house. Wait? $1500 a month?? For only 1/3 the rent? That’s ridiculous! I don’t even pay near that much and I live in San Francisco. Plus, Petal is a hippie, and therefore 100% unemployed. Strike another notch for the unbelievable factor. Not that anyone should be taking this film seriously.

Petal celebrates her new home by taking a long long shower where she engages in acts of self-pleasuring. We see her hairy armpits (yuck) and other things hairy as well. The sisters take turns playing Peeping Tom-ina, which Petal notices and comments on later, though it doesn’t stop her from her mission of auto-orgasming. A nice three minute piece of padding, this scene is.

AJ Khan pops up. KHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAN!

Sorry, wrong Khan. This Khan is a hot one, a regular in the Misty Mundae filmography and plays Mandy, the girlfriend of Petal. AJ Khan is about the only reason I even notice Mundae films beyond instantly changing the channel. To hammer this point home, we get our first lesbian scene, which clocks in at seven minutes, and is joined by Jennifer observing from the doorway while dialing her own phone, if you catch my drift. She’s feeding the horse. Flicking the Bic. A lot of that going around.

Soon Petal and Mandy are hanging out with Jennifer, and they start jamming. After flaming a bud, they’re soon doing some other type of jamming, with each other. For ten minutes onscreen. I left to go make a sandwich, and when I returned, they were still getting it on. I went to the bathroom, they were still going at it. I washed my car, they were still going at it, and the neighbors were wondering why I was washing my car at 3am. So I and the neighbor got into a fight, the police came, my neighbor took a shot at them, was gunned down, I had to go down to the station to make a statement, and when I got back, they were still going at it.

Those of you wanting still more onanism, just you wait. Ashleigh comes home, and after thirty seconds of character development where Petal says she’ll make dinner for Ashleigh, Ashleigh head to the shower for some shaking hands with the unemployed. Some Jilling off. Some flicking the bean. Petting the kitty. Polishing the pearl. Four minutes of hitting the airplane.

Petal and Mandy and Jennifer then feed her “special” brownies, and a few seconds later, we got all four girls grooving in Seventies clothes, and quickly turning into a double session of Tribadism. Fourbadism? Whateverism. This movie has dulled me to lesbian sex. I thought that was impossible. This was pounded in by the final scene. Petal and the sisters look at their beavers (yes, THOSE beavers, but they are stunt beavers) to compare how hairy they are now. What an exciting finale! After fifty minutes, where thirty of it was sex scenes, they seemed to have run out of ideas, or money, or something. I’ve ran out of patience.

Rated 2/10 (“Special” Brownies, AJ Khan tattoo)


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Written by Tars Tarkas

Tars Tarkas

Runs this joint!