Cyber Seduction: His Secret Life (Review)

Cyber Seduction: His Secret Life


2005
Starring
Jeremy Sumpter as Justin Petersen
Kelly Lynch as Diane Petersen
Lyndsy Fonseca as Amy
Jake Scott as Alex Petersen

Lifetime Networks presents a story of our times. From the tradition of Reefer Madness, Cocaine Fiends, and Sex Madness comes Cyber Seduction: His Secret Life, the story of a boy and his internet porn, and how it destroyed his life. Just like those movies, the effects of pornography is over the top, and our innocent kid soon becomes entangled in a world of horror. Also this movie uses the phrase “Virgin Vaginas” which is just too funny for words.

Up as the concerned mom Diane Petersen is Kelly Lynch, who gives us a lecture at the end of the movie about pornography. I wasn’t paying attention, as I used Google Image Search to look up “Kelly Lynch” and found a full frontal shot of her as the very first picture returned. Playing the innocent Justin is Peter Pan himself, Jeremy Sumpter. Looks like the boy who never grew up finally did, and he’s growing up in more places than one when the internet comes on if you catch my drift.


Justin is a swimming star, with a nice Christian girlfriend named Amy who wants him to wait. Everything seems going okay, until he gets an IM giving him a link to the website of his classmate, Monica. Justin’s eyes bulge out of his head after seeing such things and Monica smiling, and Monica looking like she might take off her outer sweater. He then gets a new IM about a party, “be their.” Said party that he brings Amy to involves classmates looking at porn while using “SnoopEZ” (AKA Google) to look up “Naked College Girls.” What a rocking party, no wonder Justin and Amy leave immediately, where she explains that she doesn’t understand porn. That night, Justin opens up and IM promising a big breasted woman, and goes to “A Lust for a Bust” site. His nagging mother wanders by and notices that Justin is a moron looking at porn with his door open and the screen facing the open door. Mom is so upset she wakes up Dad to nag him to talk to Justin. Dad sees that it’s not a big enough problem to miss sleep and goes back to bed.

Mom talks to her Sassy Black Coworker who tells her about the internet. Mom: “The internet is getting scarier!” Sassy Black Coworker: “Girl, you have no idea.” Dad gives Justin a speech about how it’s normal to want to see women naked. Justin uses this as inspiration to go on a 2AM porn binge. Now we have our first commercial break, complete with Victoria’s Secret commercial. Lifetime, Television for Hypocrites. Back to the show, and Justin is now using his girlfriends PDA to send himself pictures of naked women. Back home, some of the worst generic Linkin Park music ever in the history of the universe plays in the background as Justin studies history. History of naked women on the internet, that is! His little brother Adam wanders in, and sees what happens when people get naked. This disturbs Adam to the point he looks physically ill, as the fact that naked people like to touch each other destroys young minds. He doesn’t stay traumatized for long, a few scenes later he’s showing his token black friend naked pictures as well. Meanwhile, Justin shows a classmate a naked site of his own, one that has Leather Bondage on it. The classmate is upset, (calling it “skuzzy”) because just going to a website now gives you tons and tons of porn spam. This takes place in an alternate Earth where spyware has advanced to sentient proportions. This is also the beginning of the many many scenes of Justin drinking energy drinks that look amazingly like Red Bull but isn’t, which is what Justin does instead of masturbating. I guess one of the signs of internet porn addiction is Energy Drinks, so I’m in the clear for now.

Justin’s porn has also caused him to be a slower swimmer, as he now comes in third place at swim meets. This is due to the increased drag from his raging boner that keeps him from a gold place finish. The only gold he’s gonna see are golden showers. His mom now hates him for not winning, and uses her superpowers of amazing nagging to determine something is wrong. Something is wrong, as Justin is spending less time with his real life girlfriend to fool around online trying to hit on sex-cam model classmate Monica. Something else is wrong, as little brother Alex is burning CDs full of porn, with such titles as “Sexy Teens” and “Virgin Vaginas.” Virgin Vaginas is an awesome title for a CD no matter what is on it. However, Alex’s idiocy in not bothering to name the CDs something innocent is his downfall. Justin returns from having disturbing fantasies about clothed women in the swimming pool to get blamed by his family for giving Alex porn.

Dad: “You think sending porn is a joke?”
Mom: “It’s garbage, Justin, and I don’t want it in my house!”



Mom installs the Netnanny program “BLOXXX” but is informed by Alex that he and Justin can both get around it easily. Meanwhile, Justin is undergoing an energy drink bender, and lies to get on a date with Cam-girl Monica. He turns down her advances to do a history paper. Now…..obviously, Peter Pan is gay. Yes. He pranced around in tights, and now prances around running away from women. Justin is now down to his last three energy drinks. The horror! What will happen when ha can’t drink the water? After his girlfriend sees him talking to cam-girl Monica, Justin is smacked around by several shirtless boys in the school’s locker room and called “leatherboy.” Now we know the real reason for this porn obsession, it helps him realize his dream of being smacked around by shirtless boys in towels. Mom talks to her friend whose marraige was ruined by internet porn.

Woman whose man loves the .JPGs: Don’t all teenage boys do this?”
Mom: “I don’t know.”

Justin tries to get it on with his girl Amy, but is rebuffed, which is probably for the better as her mom barges in three seconds later. As little brother’s token black friend decides to display porn at school, both boys get in trouble, as Adam gave him the porn, and Justin gave Adam the power of porn. Mom:” You allowed this pornography into our house!” So, goodbye internet. We then get a scene where Mom wonders about Dad’s fantasies, so he reassures her she fulfills all his fantasies, not just the sex ones. This is an obvious line, which she falls for like a brick. Justin uses the school’s library to look up some more porn, and gets caught. The principal is another expert in cyberporn addiction. Cyberporn experts just keep popping up all over. There’s almost as many of them as there is porn on the internet. After some getting yelled at, Justin has himself a dream about girls. BECAUSE OF PORN!!!! Yes, normal teenage boys do NOT think about women at all, but PORN is EVIL and forces them to OBSESS with the fairer sex. This HORROR of PORN will destroy us all!

Justin wakes up and begins looking at porn again, by reconnecting the computer to the internet and stealing his parent’s credit card. He downs more and more energy drinks. Lots of energy drinks. So many energy drinks he’s probably rubbed himself raw…I mean drank himself raw. After the porn montage and moaning effects, he goes to cam-girl Monica’s house, which is a pretty nice house. Cam-whoring pays pretty good. Monica takes Justin upstairs, where he goes gay again and runs away. The rejection freaks Monica out to the point where she becomes a crazy raving loon and then, in a shocking scene, smashes her head into the sink. Yes, EVIL IMMORAL PORN will cause you UNCONTROLLABLE FACESMASHING!

Mom gets a call from the credit card companies, to congratulate her for spending so much money on internet porn, and she’s shocked. She’s even more shocked as porn pop-ups appear all over the computer, as the Petersen family is too backwards to have installed Firefox. Some of that porn is Anime porn. What kind of sick things is Justin looking at? His father has had too much, and attacks! “Hit me, Dad!” yells Justin. Yes, gay. Totally gay. Now he wants his father to smack him around like the shirtless boys from earlier. This film is disgusting. Porn now makes you gay. Yes, HETEROSEXUAL PORN MAKES YOU GAY.

Justin is grounded for the rest of the year, kicked off the swim team, and goes to see his girl. She basically dumps him, while he tells her he wants to go to church with her. Amy: “That’s pretty radical.” Justin: “I need to get radical.” She tells him she’ll always be there for him if he needs to talk. She doesn’t let him in, because, though they don’t show this, it’s obvious she has another guy waiting inside that she’s about to bone. Poor Justin. He walks home, defeated. He’s about to get more defeated. Monica’s friends see him, she’s beat up with a black eye for some reason, and it appears she blamed Justin for her sink injuries. Justin gets the beatdown, which he probably enjoyed immensely. Afterwards, he wanders into the pool to kill himself, but after a montage flashback of the entire movie and all the good times, he emerges reborn in a baptism symbolism that makes you want to download 1000 copies of Debbie Does Detroit and drink Red Bull until you run out of Kleenex.

Afterwards, Kelly Lynch tells us to talk to our kids. Specifically, tell them not to look for pictures of her naked online, which are incredibly easy to find, but instead pay for the DVDs so you get high quality. You must not be cheated. At least that’s what she should have said.

Let’s review. Porn will destroy your life, consume all your time, cause you to drink energy drinks constantly, cause you to leave your Christian girlfriend, cause obsessions with webcam strippers, cause you to swim slower, cause your little brother to be traumatized, cause you to steal your parent’s credit card, ruin marriages, cause you to become gay and enjoy males beating you around, specifically shirtless boys, cause you to run away from sex, cause fathers to uncontrollably attack you, cause your Christian girlfriends to give you the “Let’s be friends” speech, and cause alley beatdowns. So in conclusion: Download some porn tonight!


Special thanks to SomethingAwful goon Morphix for helping get these neat screencaps.

Special Rating Units: Pictures of Concerned Mom Kelly Lynch taken from screenshots of her naked easily found in one second via Google that any child can find. We get 8/10 for the hilariousness alone, it would be a full ten had Justin been killed by the internet porn. But his rebirth knocks it down a few notches. If this were to be rated on the effectiveness, it would get a negative 6, so we’ll go with this rating here, if Kelly Lynch isn’t too busy having sex with Patrick Swazye on the roof in Roadhouse, maybe she can get around to not being a pawn in the game of morality one week, and a pawn in the game of debauchery the next.

Rated 8/10 (Kelly Lynch x8!)


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Written by Tars Tarkas

Tars Tarkas

Runs this joint!