Nude on the Moon
The first rocketship to the moon finds…a Nudist Colony! One would think that would make this film exciting. One would be wrong. Back in the days before the internet, before Late Night cable, before VCRs, you had to sneak off to the theater to see naked people. You certainly couldn’t see your wife naked, as she was sleeping in the other twin bed. As an added affront, the nudie films all feature people who are nude in name only, just wandering around topless. Because of things like this, the human race almost died off, millions of males having no knowledge of the female reproductive system, and believing playing volleyball with topless women was how you made babies. While that may have been good for stockholders of sporting goods stores, it did little to help the Baby Boomers figure out the birds and the bees until they all went on acid and figured it out.
This movie’s plot, or single sentence, is “Man goes to moon, gets mooned, goes home.” The five minutes it took to establish the story is padded out by long sequences of driving, long sequences of nudists lying around on the moon, and long sequences of nothing. Nudism has never been more exciting! The entire first two minutes or so is the entire song Moon Doll played to a crude cartoon drawing of the moon. Dean Martin has nothing on this guy, and no one will ever worry about that drawing hitting them in the eye like a big pizza pie over this movie. In the unlikely event you are struck in the eye by moon particles, be sure to wash afterwards, you don’t know where those nudists have been.
Wild Things 3: Diamonds in the Rough
Sarah Laine as Marie Clifford (Rich Girl)
Sandra McCoy as Elena Sandoval (Bad Girl)
Linden Ashby as Detective Michael Morrison
Ron Melendez as Dr. Chad Johnson (Forensics Guy)
Dina Meyer as Kirsten Richards
Remember that movie Wild Things, which had a bunch of plot twists and murder? Oh, so you only remember the threesome scene. Well, good news for you. This is the same movie. There are a few differences, indeed, but they basically just renamed all the characters. Instead of Denise Richards or Neve Campbell, we get Susan Ward and Leila Arcieri. Who are they? Well, they work for cheap, that’s who they are! ERROR ERROR ERROR ERROR ERROR ERROR!!
Sorry about that. Wild Things 3 is so similar to Wild Things 2 that I almost wrote the same review. I probably could get away with it, since they used almost the same script. Except they must have used a photocopier that was low on ink, so a few pages were faded and they filled in the rest with their big named star, Dina Meyer, who fills in the role of “someone who has actual acting talent” that was provided by Isaiah Washington in WT2. I’d call the writers a bunch of thieves, except they stole from themselves as they are guilty of writing WT2, and are moving on to write Single White Female 2, which the world needs, as Single White Female had so many unanswered questions. “Will she be single forever?” “Will she be white forever or get reversed Michael Jackson disease?” and “Will we get more movies where people are killed by high heeled shoes?” These modern day heroes are going to answer some of the questions that have plagued mankind for a decade.
Wild Things 2
Remember that movie Wild Things, which had a bunch of plot twists and murder? Oh, so you only remember the threesome scene. Well, good news for you. This is the same movie. There are a few differences, indeed, but they basically just renamed all the characters. Instead of Denise Richards or Neve Campbell, we get Susan Ward and Leila Arcieri. Who are they? Well, they work for cheap, that’s who they are!
Cyber Seduction: His Secret Life
Lifetime Networks presents a story of our times. From the tradition of Reefer Madness, Cocaine Fiends, and Sex Madness comes Cyber Seduction: His Secret Life, the story of a boy and his internet porn, and how it destroyed his life. Just like those movies, the effects of pornography is over the top, and our innocent kid soon becomes entangled in a world of horror. Also this movie uses the phrase “Virgin Vaginas” which is just too funny for words.
Up as the concerned mom Diane Petersen is Kelly Lynch, who gives us a lecture at the end of the movie about pornography. I wasn’t paying attention, as I used Google Image Search to look up “Kelly Lynch” and found a full frontal shot of her as the very first picture returned. Playing the innocent Justin is Peter Pan himself, Jeremy Sumpter. Looks like the boy who never grew up finally did, and he’s growing up in more places than one when the internet comes on if you catch my drift.
Michelle Krusiec as Wil (Wilhelmina Pang)
Joan Chen as Ma
Lynn Chen as Vivian Shing
Jessica Hecht as Randi – Hospital Co-Worker
Ato Essandoh as Jay – Neighbor
Directed by Alice Wu
A first time writer and director, low budget, and a seeming Asian Lesbian hook, this film seemed like just another gimmick artsy film to play before five people in one of the dirty theaters in town before it gets replaced by a film about Mexican Day Laborers in 1950′s Quebec who are also drug running escorts called Inherit My Skin. Yet it was better than I guessed it could be, or even deserved to be based on the low amount of buzz it’s seeming to get on the indie set. An entertaining drama about life in the Asian American community as reality, freedom, and secrets meet traditional notions of life, family, honor, and saving face. It’s a lot better than that line I just typed, trust me.