Karin Mani as Billie
Robert Torti as Johnny
Michael Wayne as Scarface
Women revenge flicks are a guilty pleasure, especially trashy eighties ones. My pleasure reaches full heights with this entry into the genre. It has all the trimmings: cute girl, tough girl, corrupt cops, girl shoots people, women in jail, gratuitous nudity, villains straight from a stereotype convention, and terrible lawyers. The striking Karin Mani is Belinda “Billie” Clark, a gruff, no-nonsense type of gal who doesn’t hesitate to kick butt of the scum of society that threaten her. As a karate expert and also a crack shot, she takes down all the men who stand in her way and harm her family. Corrupt judges, dirty cops, and the bottom feeders in the park best get out of the way, when the Alley Cat comes, revenge will be had!
Star Wars Holiday Special
Not a movie, but easily the most bootlegged video in the galaxy, and also easily makes Episode I look like Citizen Kane. Heck, it makes Turkish Star Wars look like Citizen Kane! No small feat, to say the least. This relic from the seventies is ripe with long, trippy musical sequences that would bore any child into submission. The regulars from Star Wars act as though they were carved from floorboards minutes before the cameras started rolling, a few of who are also full of more drugs than East Hollywood. Guest stars litter the special, some annoying (Art Carney) and some terrifying (Harvey Korman) and Bea Arthur, who should have known better. The holiday we are celebrating is “Life Day” and is a Wookiee holiday, the plot of the special involves getting Chewbacca home in time to see his family. Would our only exposure to Star Wars be this project, we would all be cheering for the Emperor to execute all the rebels and display their heads on the hood of his private shuttle. This is bad. Real bad. Mean bad. Watching this is a war. Not a Star War, a Nuclear War, and the Fallout and Waste is what is left of your brain at the end.
It’s the Marx Brothers, doing a play written for other people that they don’t have the luxury of changing too much of the plot to suit their own needs, or even Groucho’s name to something comical (Gordon Miller? Why not W. Saltlick Frogthrower or something equally comical?) Faker (played by Harpo) is from the original play, from my understanding, having not seen the real play, and all of his lines were just given to Chico or Groucho. It’s also the only film they made with RKO, as they were loaned out for one movie. Sadly this is far from their best film, more near the bottom, as they are limited by their source material and not let to shine the way they normally can. Frank Sinatra also did a version of this play as a movie called Step Lively. I bet that is completely different from this version. Or it could be identical. I can imagine Ol’ Blue Eyes chasing women without saying a word and honking a horn all the while!
Alone in the Dark
That’s pretty much all that needs to be said. Dr. Uwe Boll.
What can be said about this film that hasn’t already been said? Dr. Uwe Boll, the heir to the mantels of Ed Wood and Coleman Francis, returns again, armed with European funding, another video game franchise, and bad CGI. Dr. Uwe Boll cannot be stopped, there are at least four more video game movies from him headed down the pipeline. If there is one thing Dr. Uwe Boll is good at doing, it’s getting money from European guys. Now, he should put that talent to work in some area other than movies, because he has some sort of unnatural ability to get money despite the numerous evidence of him throwing said money into a gaping black hole of ruin never to be seen again. Dr. Uwe Boll will eventually deplete the entire economy of Europe and leave them all destitute and a starving Third World mess, while inflecting upon the rest of the world dozens of lackluster movies with random CGI and Matrix-shots that are all named after video games they have nothing in common with. So before Galaga the Movie is made featuring zombies or Dig Dug the Movie involving zombies, we must first strike a blow to the box office receipts and keep his features from reaching theaters, for the good of the world. This time, now, is the time that generations from now people will look back upon and judge us for how we stood against Dr. Uwe Boll. Will we stop him and his master plan, or will our descendants look back at us with hate and anger, in between starving to death and being forced to watch Zaxxon the Movie, featuring zombies? The power lays in your hands.