Ninja Academy (Review)
Nico Mastorakis is back, this time with a new horror: Police Academy meets Enter the Ninja. The concept is just as bad as it sounds, in fact it’s even worse, as Nico Mastorakis is at the helm. Our previous encounters with Mr. Mastorakis include Glitch! and .com for Murder, though this is the first film I ever saw of his. This film also has one other aspect that earned Nico my ire for the rest of my days. Seth Foster plays a character named Addleman. As an Addleman, I was at first thrilled to see that there was a character somewhere in a movie with my name and spelled my way for once. That was before I saw the horror that is Seth Foster. Addleman is an overweight, cuss talking, sweaty oaf who backstabs, cheats, murders, and comes off as a second rate Joe Don Baker. Not that this is that inaccurate, but Nico Mastorakis made a fatal error, as I consider this a direct shot at me. This film was the first Mastorakis film I saw, and it laid the groundwork for the skyscraper of hate that has since been constructed against that man, ninety stories tall and climbing.
Kyoto, Japan. Golden Nunchaku are to be awarded to either Addleman or to Chiba (Gerald Okamura), and they must fight to determine the recipient. A long, knock down drag out fight ensues for the length of the opening credits. Addleman taps out, but once Chiba lets him go, Addleman smashed him across the back and achieves victory. Chiba should learn never to mess with an Addleman. Unfortunately the Sensei guy awards the nunchaku to Chiba, as he showed mercy. Sweaty, worn out, panting Addleman leaves, making vague threats about it being not over.
Cut to years later in LA. Addleman runs the Beverly Hills Ninja Academy, while Chiba also runs a school a small distance away called Topanga Ninjutsu Ryu. Now it’s time to meet our merry band or misfits who will be attending Ninja Academy, you may remember some of their character stereotypes portrayed much better in Police Academy (one thing movies like this and Combat Academy have done is make me appreciate Police Academy even more, and I was already a fan!) Josh (Will Egan, as he will be called here) shows up at his rich dad’s house asking for more money. Will Egan is our Mahoney, only without the funny. He impressed Mastorakis so much from his portrayal in Glitch! that he was a shoo in for this role. Will Egan’s dad tells him no more money without the funny…wait, I mean without spending a week at ninja school. Yes, ninja school. Not the army to make a man out of his son, not college to make him grow up, not an intern job to make him responsible, one week of ninja school. I hate the rich. What does Will earn from his week of ninja school? His allowance back. I hate the rich. Dad’s reasoning is his generation had Vietnam, so ninja school is like Vietnam. I hate the rich.
Next up are two eighties babes, one is the Party Girl, and the other is the Prude. Party Girl hits on a dude at the beach who is doing tai chi, and he gives her a brochure for the Ninja Academy Chiba runs. Now we have our Kim Catrell and Hooks characters. What would make this movie even better? Michael Winslow! No Michael Winslow for us, this was before he needed work. We get…..a Mime! Yes, a mime. A damned Mime. What the Christ? Mimes aren’t funny. Damn you, Nico Mastorakis! Damn you to Hell! Since The Damned Mime is the anti-Michael Winslow, he won’t be talking. He will be miming! Joy of joys. The Damned Mime gets robbed by two guys who apparently rob him every day or something. They are disgusted by his girly Mime Muscles, and command him to go to ninja school. What helpful muggers! He’s lucky he wasn’t just shot, and left in a pool of his Mime blood. Stupid Mime. Next up is our geek character, who is a big klutz (oh, hello Fackler!) and is going to ninja school to improve his balance. A legitimate reason, will wonders never cease?
They just ceased. The next guy is a secret agent Bond rip-off called Phillip, or Agent 007-11. For serious. Phillip shoots a cat, earning immediate hatred and desire for me to see him die slowly in a vat of oil. He then shoots a bunch of goons on motorcycles and lets the bad guy get away. But his joy is short lived, as he is contacted by M&M (NAAARRGGGHH!!) and told his license to kill is revoked until he goes to ninja school. We top off the students with a crazy survivalist named George (Tackleberry!) and the cadet part of the cast is complete. Chiba fills the Harris role, in addition to the Lassard role, and his daughter Gail (Kelly Randall) is the Callahan character. We all clear on who’s who? Because I’m not going to repeat it.
Master Chiba is less than impressed with this crop of yo-yos. Gail will be running their weeklong course. Yes, the ninja course is one week, and you become a ninja. Well, almost a ninja. Enough of a ninja that you can defeat ninjas in battle, if they are not master ninjas. We shall see this is so. They are all roomed together in a small cabin, as the survivalist begins creeping everyone out and 007-11 acts hyper-British. Addleman is told of Chiba’s new school, and how it just replaced his school as the top ninja school. This steams Addleman’s biscuits, and he sends a Mexican stereotype ninja to spy on the school. Abusive bastards are a trademark of the Addleman clan, Mastorakis is blatantly stealing my life.
That night, Chiba sneaks into the cadet’s room and beats Will Egan on the head with a staff, something we all wanted to see. Shamefully that ends the scene, with only one hit. The next morning it’s running time, as running all day will make you a ninja. Wait….running to bad eighties pop music! That is the secret of the ninja. The music tells us
Don’t know where I’m going…
Don’t Know where I’ve been…
If you are trying to become a ninja shouldn’t you start paying attention to these things? Stupid songwriter. After a long run the team stops deep in the LA woods, and Gail tells them they are to live off of the land. Like the Native American Ninjas do, I guess. The Prude and The Damned Mime start to like each other, and the Party Girl makes her move on 007-11. Will Egan wanders around until he finds a Nudist Colony that just happens to be in the woods. Yeah, right, Mastorakis, like full frontal nudity will make up for this travesty of a fil– Wait, is that an Asian chick? This is the best movie ever!
More ninja training follows, as the “real” ninja students are in white outfits while the cadets try to train with them in “humorous” situations, all to the same song from previous. Will Egan volunteers for a rock avoiding exercise, showing he is gaining his ninja leadership skills, so the ninja school is paying off, much like shooting at Charlie from a helicopter while your buddies lie face down in the muck as napalm explodes all around did for his father. Next up is wall climbing, to a new eighties disasterpiece of a song: The Hokey Pokey!
It’s no jokey, they’ll all be dopey, for the Hokey Pokey!
I’ll Hokey Pokey you, Mastorakis!
George the crazed survivalist is having the time of his life, while everyone else is worn out. We get to see ninjas doing the hokey pokey, or the “Ninja Ninja” as they call it. Will gets smacked by Chiba again that night.
Back at Addleman’s, a guy asks Addleman for a discount since they are now the number two school. Addleman tosses him off a ledge, much like I’ve done many times. This movie speaks as though it flows through my heart. More working out for the ninja cadet crew, this time to an eighties song that is meant to sound like a fifties song, but just ends up sounding like an eighties song. Will Egan starts putting the moves on Gail, using all his acting talent. There is more acting talent in a bag of bread, but the same can be said for Kelly Randall so Gail responds in kind. The team learns ninja yells and Bo fighting to more songs. That night, Addleman’s Mexican ninja spy sneaks around taking photos, and we get to see Gail naked. Those of you who are watching the movie for the good parts can stop the DVD now, it’s all downhill (and we started deep in a well already!) Will Egan is beaten the next day by Chiba, and that day starts out with an eighties power ballad accompanying the team working out, urging us to:
Flex your love muscle when you feel you’re going under
The crew learns throwing stars, and all are preexisting experts with bows and arrows, allowing them to shoot at targets with good accuracy. Will Egan volunteers to dodge arrows, and we are not treated to an accidental impaling. Addleman is shown the photos his Mexican Ninja Spy took for him, and realizes it’s Chiba when he sees the golden nunchaku. Addleman vows to teach him another lesson. Will Egan would be good to learn his lesson as well, but he tries to avoid getting hit by Chiba by sleeping under his bed. Silly Grasshopper, you’ve failed! Today is war game day, the team splits into two teams, one lead by Gail, the rest lead by Will Egan. They will use the deadliest of ninja weapons — PAINTBALL GUNS! Gail’s team gets the guns while Will’s team just gets nunchaku. George has a plan to give Will’s team an edge, he has a paintball machine guns stashed in his bed, and whips it out. His team quickly pulls ahead thanks to this blatant cheating. Soon Gail is left alone to face The Damned Mime, George, and Will Egan. She snipes The Damned Mime and George, so it’s only Will and her. Will walks right up to her, but she dodges or catches his paintball shots, then smacks him on the forehead with the paintball, and he loses.
Will Egan whips up an alarm system for that night, and then complains to Gail in a fit of bad acting. Will complains about being rich (poor baby…) and calls Chiba a loon. Gail is offended and in an acting display of her own that wouldn’t make a porno shoot she reveals that Chiba is her father. He apologizes, they have a heart to heart with more bad acting. It’s like watching two masters trying to outdo each other with the terrible acting. One cannot turn away, we are drawn in like moths to a flame. Gail reveals that Chiba beats on Will because he sees him as a successor. That makes logical sense, if you are on mushrooms. Back at the Beverly Hills Ninja Academy, Addleman fights seven of his men in a test, but loses to number sever as he loses place. I never lose, and resent this slander. You will rue the day, Mastorakis, oh, boy will you rue!
Now we will have a uproarious dream sequence to pad the film. George has fantasies of being Rambo and gunning down Vietnamese (what is with this film and killing Vietnamese?) The film couldn’t afford a group of Asians so the guys in the back are white guys with black hair made up to look Vietnamese. George then kisses his transsexual-looking fantasy woman. The Klutz dreams of running to his fantasy woman on the beach, and they collide. The funny is not with this sequence. The Damned Mime dreams of beating up the guys from the beginning (at least I think it’s those two guys, I’m not going back to check!) The Prude dreams of being a Damned Female Mime, married to The Damned Mime, and they have a DAMNED BABY MIME! The HORROR! The Party Girl dreams of being a model, with even bigger eighties hair than she has now. 007-11 is also in her dream, and I guess that means that’s his dream also, as they skip right to Will Egan, who dreams of swimming with Gail at his pool, and Chiba wacks him again in real life, bringing this fantasy sequence to a close.
Addleman sends his evil Ninja Army out to kill, and Addleman leads them, dressed in the traditional ninja garb of a red tracksuit. George sees them arrive and warns the team. They all decide to leave, but Chiba will not leave the camp, so they stay to defend their sensei. Since the advanced students are all out in the woods with Gail, they cadets are all that stands between a ninja army and sweet revenge. The Cadets have an edge, six days of training, which is more than sufficient to take down people who have been training for years. The villains even bring a Gay Ninja. Will Egan defeats three ninjas single handedly, including the Gay Ninja. Why is there a Gay Ninja? And why is Will Egan defeating Ninjas in hand to hand combat? The Damned Mime also defeats an ninja by using the deadly “Pretend you are in a box” ninja move. The Damned Mime even speaks afterwards! What a fake! I believed this movie when the ninja training was a week long, I believed it when Addleman the overweight abusive drunk was a ninja master, but now it has mimes speaking, it can’t be right!
The good ninjas return, they are thoughtfully dressed in white so we can tell them apart from Addleman’s black-dressed ninjas. Addleman’s ninjas lose like the losers they are, as they are not MY ADDLEMAN’S Ninjas, which are undefeated in combat. Addleman meets Chiba for the FINAL BATTLE! Go Addleman! Addleman starts out strong with some dirty moves, but Chiba recovers quickly and the fight continues, Addleman’s back spasms and all. Addleman eventually gets a beatdown, totally improbable if I were the Addleman fighting. This half-rate Addleman fights like a three year old girl, and Chiba is ready to kill him, but stops when he sees his daughter watching. Everyone cheers, even the bad ninjas. It’s like the end of Rocky IV, where all the Soviets start cheering for Rocky.
The Ninja Cadets graduate. The Party Girl leaves with 007-11 (they go to a restaurant in Venice………………………….Italy!) The Prude leaves with The Damned Mime on a school bus. Clyde the Klutz has become the new George, as George doesn’t get a wrap up scene. Poor George. Will Egan turns down his daddy’s money to keep learning the ninja skills. That nets him a walk with Gail. That night, Chiba comes to wack him again, but he catches the cane. A better ending would be Gail was in the bed as well and caught the cane, but then Chiba saw Will Egan was screwing his daughter, and he killed Will Egan in an Orgy of Blood. Why not an Orgy of Blood, Nico?
Hey, look, Addleman is misspelled on the closing credits. Screw you, Nico! One of the ninjas was played by a “Peter Pan” and there are “funny” comments in the credits, lurking like ninjas in the night. Not that this makes up for this travesty against my birthright. Nico Mastorakis has crossed the line from Evil to A Cancer that Must be Destroyed. And you will be destroyed, Nico Mastorakis. You will be destroyed.
Hey, we have a special treat! Another quick five question interview with Nico Mastorakis! Done by Our Very Special Guest interviewer: Female Prisoner 701, Scorpion (Matsu/Sasori)! Let’s get started!
|Greetings Mr. Mastorakis. I’ll start right off, why a mime?|
|Hello I’m happy to be here? Where is that roly-poly fellow from last time? I think him and I had a special connection, if you know what I mean…|
|I am here in case there is any unpleasantness like last time. Now will you please answer the question!|
|Mimes are the bee’s knees. We have a saying in Greece: “Mimes make the best lvovers, for they cannot tell their shame”|
|That is rather disturbing. The next question is about the character of Addleman…|
|You know, you’d look good if I dressed you up as a little boy…|
|Papaius! Fetch me your sailor suit! Scorpion and I are going to play dress up!|
|That’s it! SLASH!SLASH!SLASH!!!|
|That’s the end of that problem. In other news, photo files have finally been added to the review of Female Prisoner #701: Scorpion, I suggest you check them out. Until next time, I’m off!|
Rated 1/10 (Mime baby, there is no greater horror…)
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