.com for Murder (Review)
.com for Murder
After ten years of being banished to Greece directing TV shows that will thankfully only be seen by Greeks, Nico Mastorakis returns to bring us more horror. Not that this horror is scary in the way intended, but horror as we thought he was gone forever, but now we know we can never be free of Nico Mastorakis. The genius that brought you Glitch! and Ninja Academy returns from a long absence sans Will Egan, but now with someone even more disturbing, Jeffery Dean. Funny-but-sad disturbing? Nope, replace that with creepy stalkish emoish forgot-to-take-his-pills disturbing.
Nico Mastorakis starts off with a bang, as a blurry first person perspective follows a creep breaking into a woman’s house while she showers, and she is stabbed in a Psycho rip-off punctuated with Black and White frames and Negative frames. Amusing camera tricks do not a scary moment make, and the whole scene is shot point of view from the video camera operated by said creep.
Enough of that happy nonsense of women being murdered in the shower, a radio commercial for American Love Online — an internet sating service — plays as the camera sets on the house owned by Ben and his wheelchaired wife, Sondra Brummel. As Sondra’s sister has the same last name as her, Sondra is either independent or not technically married. Since Ben is played by Roger Daltrey, of the Who, I’m guessing she isn’t married. Daltrey plays Ben uber-creepy, though how intentional that was is up to debate. The lovers chat outside, as inside somewhere in America alone in a dark room a pervert dictates bad poetry to his voice recognition software as he reclines nude, his fluorescent keyboard covering his shame, and cameras or something are also located at the end of several of his fingers (I do NOT want to know what sick webcam that is showing on). Amazingly enough, this bastion of mental wellness logs onto internet porn. The freaky streaming web shows he watches are enough to scare even a Viagra Overdose Case soft.
Back at Creepy British Ben’s house, he is about to leave for some meeting out of town. A new computer security system (referred to as HAL, believe it or not!) has been installed, and Sondra is learning the basics. The computer program takes offense at things, which is something all home security programs should have hardcoded into them. Sondra quickly turns the house into a disco. This offends me, but as I am not a computer program controlling a house occupied by an annoying woman I am unable to slay her. Ben leaves with his secretary, and hopefully for good. A blonde guy with a tripod also leaves the home, I have no idea who this was, what he was doing, or where he was going. Now he’s gone. Let that be a lesson to you all, you don’t know what ou got, until it’s gone.
Sondra immediately sets to snooping on Ben’s computer, logging into his American Love Online account. Okay, number one, what a snooping cunt. Number two, why does that idiot Ben still have a dating service account when he is living with a woman/married to her? Sondra’s problem isn’t that he has it, it’s she wants to know what he does on it. My verdict? Both idiots, hope they all die. Number three, if there was one thing missing from the big screen, it was AOL internet chatrooms. Thank you, Nico Mastorakis, for giving us what we didn’t know we were missing. I’m referring to a longing for leaping off of high cliffs.
Not to be content with just seeing AOLiens type AOLish, we get creepy computer synth voices to go along with all the different chat participants, making chatting scarier than walking down a dark alley at night. Mastorakis even manages to not make a reference to War Games and no computer voice asks if anyone wants to play a nice game of chess. Perfect opportunity wasted, Mastorakis loses 5 points. Sondra is about to score with some chick online (probably a 400 lb. 56 year old naked man) when some ubernerd starts to try to show off his 1337 skills by having an image of a cobra strike the screen of Sondra’s computer. Unimpressed by script kiddie nonsense, Sondra insults his manhood, and Werther, self-described “Master of the Game,” becomes incensed. Sondra is distracted from Werther’s scathing rage of 1000 suns when her sister Misty arrives. (Nastassja Kinski not Natasha Henstridge as I initially misread in the opening credits) The girls tag team up on Werther, calling him sexophobic. That is apparantly a very big insult in derange internet stalker-land, as he goes Everest-sized bananas. He tells them to die, but they grow bored with the internet and leave, while back at Werther’s place, we learn that a few mouse clicks can give us a list of IP addresses, which are linked via DMV databases to your house, complete with photos of the ENTIRE DRIVERS LICENSE! Werther takes over Ben’s screen name and convinces the chick Sondra was trying to score with to meet him in a private room (::SHUDDER:: A PRIVATE room!) Sondra and Misty pay enough attention to see this, and enter the room, only to find it is just a video of some girl getting killed, easily impressed by high school level special effects, the two sisters freak.
The extra chat woman, Lynn, or Cremebrule (her handle), has her roommate come in, and says “Are you out of your mine? YOu’re drop dead gorgeous and you use the internet to land a guy?” uttering the first intelligent line of dialog in the film. It’s also true, as Lynn will soon be drop DEAD GORE-geous! MuhHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
You think that pun was in bad taste? It fits perfectly with the intellect of the character of Lynn. Lynn is the kind of naive fool who invites people she meets on internet chat rooms over to her house, sight unseen, the first night she chats with them. Being that stupid should have killed her years ago. I can only think she’s still alive because her parents kept her locked in a pit in the basement with round corners to keep her from hurting herself. Maybe she just woke up from a coma that she was in since age two. Regardless, she’s about to regret not having her will in order. Werther has some sort of impossible software that turns on Ben’s computer despite it being switched off. Now instead of selling his magical program that can somehow transport a series of 1’s and 0’s sent over cable wire into a physical manifestation that switches on inactive mechanical devices and retire to his own private island, Werther just kills defenseless women with the IQ of table paste. The magical impossible software also logs Ben into American Romance Online, then claims that Cremebrule will be killed. On the drive over to Lynn’s house, Werther freaks out and sees blood on his windshield, showing Werther only simply needs to take his Paxil and all his rage and delusions would be cured. Alas, Paxil is available only by prescription, and Werther has no health plan as a lone nut internet stalker. Why he can’t find Paxil online is another mystery that will be left unanswered, as this movie was made for the enjoyment by people with IQ’s lower than Lynn’s.
Werther gives Lynn a ring and recites a creepy poem for her enjoyment. Lynn has gotten all dressed up for her date that in the real world would be her meeting a 14 year old boy, while she would be a 54 year old virgin who still lives with his parents and collects his discarded toenail clippings. Lynn finally figures out about five minutes into the bad poems she didn’t give Werther her phone number (so she gave the address, told him to come over, but didn’t give her phone number in case there was a delay? I buy it!) and he answers her inquiries with more bad poems and silence. This part is supposed to be suspenseful, but just drags like beer cans on the end of a “Just Married” car. Like those cans on the highway, the remaining remotely interesting aspects of this film are one by one flying off to remain at the side of the road, discarded forever. Sondra and Misty FINALLY notice the computer has turned itself on and logged into killLynn.com. After time immortal, Werther finally gets his slow butt into the house. Misty and Sondra try to call the cops, but know not the address of Lynn’s house. Werther finally kills Lynn (I thought she’d be too stupid to even die properly, but at least she pulls that off correctly) while reciting more bad poems. Misty and Sondra watch helplessly, as Nico Mastorakis’s messages is women suck and can’t do anything. Misty is on the phone with the police trying to explain the situation, speaking with a cop who sounds like Jim Henson.
Werther returns home to cry in the shower. His soul is full of pain. He feels the weight of the world. No, wait, he’s just some whiney goth idiot who needs his meds. If a movie needed a fourth rate Joaquim Phoenix, than the actor could fill the role. Werther hallucinates more blood. Misty is transferred to an FBI agent who knows what he’s doing, Huey Lewis! Using the Power of Love, Huey Lewis figures out the data file on the computer that has the murder on it is encrypted. He advises they call a encryption specialist. Werther sees all this on his computer, snags Huey Lewis’s FBI IP addresses (totally violating the PATRIOT Act!) The girls call an encryption specialist as there are several listed in the phone book, and leave a message. Werther uses his magical program that activates machinery and turns on the webcam on Ben’s computer. Now you know that Ben has a webcam, is a member of an Online Singles Service, flirts with women online, is currently at a “meeting” with his hot secretary, his current girl is wheelchaired, and he is a member of the Who. There is NO WAY he is cheating on her, trust me. I just bought the Brooklyn Bridge, cheap!
Werther watches Sondra tool around by the computer, and the Encryption Specialist calls back, and gets directions to the house. Werther gets the directions at the same time. The Encryption Specialist arrives, dressed in a raincoat and looking like the Axe Villain from The Last Action Hero, while a phone call from another Encryption Specialist is received, claiming HE is the real deal and creepy guy is an imposter. The girls take a page from Lynn and grow dumb, and send the creepy Encryption Specialist away and wait for the new one, who is Werther, for those of you playing along at home.
Back at FBI headquarters, Huey Lewis debates things with his Scully-type partner. She says anything can happen on the internet. And it can. I once saw a chimpanzee marry a robot on the internet. Encryption Specialist Number Two arrives at Ben’s house, who is Werther minus his stupid eye tattoo. I guess it was an eye pen drawing. Weak, dude. Weak. The girls fawn over him as pasty white manflesh makes their naughty parts glisten, and Nico Mastorakis must make his women characters as stupid as possible in this movie in order for anything remotely scary to happen, as Werther couldn’t terrorize a mouse without the mouse assisting. Werther uses some sort of OS on Ben’s computer that looks like the most user unfriendly OS ever created by man. Lynn’s roommate arrives home to find Lynn dead, and this gets back to Huey Lewis in a matter of seconds. Huey Lewis calls Sondra to warn that the first Encryption Guy was real, and this new one is the killer! Werther has finished and is heading to his car, before he departed he recited more bad poetry that would have tipped anyone with a functional neuron he was the killer, but it flies right over the heads of both girls. Misty is out saying goodbye to Werther, and before Sondra can warn her, Werther switches on some webcams he has on his person and starts reciting bad poems to Misty. And reciting. And reciting. And reci–SHUT UP AND KILL HER, YOU GONK! Sorry. Werther manages to slash her wrist, but he cuts across, not down, and so she’ll live. Handcuffed to the car door, he leaves her there, telling her she will bleed to death in twenty minutes and he will return to see her die.
The FBI arrives! At the wrong address. If only Huey Lewis could go Back in Time and fix his error. The real address is way across town. As the entire Police Force and FBI squad for LA is on this side of town, Huey Lewis is still the closest agent, and he heads off. Werther is trying to hack HAL and gain access to Ben’s house, as Sondra has locked him out. Sondra zaps him with 22,000 volts, knocking him into the pool. Sondra goes to check on Misty. Because people have specific time periods in which to live when bleeding regardless of body mass, activity, and metabolism, Misty is still alive. Sondra stops the bleeding with a lightly tied towel around her wrist, then Sondra moves Misty around, a lot. Because that’s what you want to do to someone with critical blood loss, make their heart race faster! Sondra tells Misty not to go to sleep as she will not wake up. The power goes out, so Sondra then leaves the dying Misty she just warned not to fall asleep ALONE while she goes to check the fuses in the garage, having never seen any horror movie ever to realize that Werther isn’t dead. He’s standing in the garage, in fact, mere feet behind Sondra, while wearing night vision goggles that glow bright enough Sondra should have seen them in the pitch black darkness, but she must be blind as well as wheelchair-bound. Instead of killing her like any competent villain, he goes back to kidnap Misty again.
Werther recites more horrible poetry while gagging Misty. Then he chases after Sondra, not killing Misty AGAIN. More bad poetry. More slowness. More bad poems. Moooore sloooow. We are all collecting Social Security now. Werther says “The longer I wait, the sweeter the ending will be!” LIAR! In order for this ending to be sweet, the DVD would have to be made of sweets so powerful anyone within a 100 mile radius has their teeth instantaneously rot into decayed goo, and they die of diabetes shock. Instead, we get Werther actually mentioning Rear Window which they are blatantly ripping off, and then he dies by falling. By falling. A rarity, as villains never die by falling. And by never I mean ALWAYS! This isn’t sweet, this movie is 100% sour. The FBI and Huey Lewis arrives just in time to put Werther in a body bag.
The lesson of this movie? Don’t snoop on the internet, and women are stupid. Thanks, Nico!
Hey, we have a special treat! A quick five question Interview with Nico Mastorakis! Done by special guest interviewer, Minya, son of Godzilla! Let’s get started!
|How did the script for .com for Murder (Or DC4M) come to be?|
|When writing a script for films such as .com for Murder, I use an ancient Greek tradition: Feeding a good movie, in this case Rear Window, to a pack of rabies infected wombats, and collect their droppings, photocopy it, and get $3 million budget from the Greek Film Institute. Also, as all women are stupid, I surgically remove the brains of all the actresses that appear in my films, thus to give a more realistic performance!|
|How does being Greek help influence your films?|
|I make all the male characters strong Greek men, even if they are played by American or Asian actors. Also, all my films had many references to manchild love, most of which is taken out by censors.|
|Okaaaay….What do you say when critics say your films are immature misogynist garage?|
|I tell my boy servant to throw them to the wolves.|
|You have a boy servant?|
|I’m Greek! We all sleep with little boys! Hey, you’re looking mighty roly-poly! Want me to teach you how to roll a gyro?|
|I think I’m going to be sick…|
|Silly Japanese Monster, that’s not a question! Papaius, bathe me as I drink this wine! You are welcome to help bathe me, Minya.|
|Sorry, time has run out, I am needed back at Monster Island, anyway. I’ll be calling Huey Lewis at the FBI later to report on you and Papaius. Daddy, get me outta here!!!!!|
Rated 2/10 (Eye tattoo and a little something for the ladies!)
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