Turist Omer Uzay Yolunda (Review)
Turist Omer Uzay Yolunda
aka Turist Omer in Star Trek aka Turkish Star Trek
Sadri Alisik as Turist Omer
Erol Amac as Mister Spak (yes, Spak)
Cemil Sahbaz as Kaptan Kirk
Ferdi Merter as Duktur McCoy
Fusun (aka Fusun Olgac) as Uhura
Yilmaz Sahin as Scoty
More Turkish Shenanigans. Actually early Turkish film, from when ripping off American films had not been perfected. Yet this wholesale rip off of Star Trek not only has the honor of being the first Star Trek movie ever made, but features ripped off opening credits, ripped off music, ripped off sound effects. The Director went to the trouble of creating sets that look good enough you know what they are supposed to be despite the fact they probably cost eight cents on a six cents budget. If you’ve ever wondered what would happen if an obnoxious dirty greasy Turkish guy was transported into the middle of the Star Trek episode The Man Trap then this is the movie for you. Too bad you are probably trapped in an asylum somewhere instead of free to track down Turkish films. Turist Omer is from a series of films involving said greasy cowboy hatted oaf encountering various wacky scenarios and hijinks ensue. The first Turist Omer dates to 1964, and he’s also been in Turist Omer dumenciler krali (1965 – no clue on the translation), and Turist Omer Almanya’da (1966 – Turist Omer in Germany). This was the last of the series that I am aware of, though I wouldn’t be surprised if there were thirty more entries that will never be seen again due to the state of Turkish film preservation (Which may be doing us a favor, as some of these films could be dangerous in the wrong hands. Imagine Osama bin Laden taking over the airwaves and sending us non-stop Turkish dramas? The horror is too great to imagine. Sadri Alisik is sadly no longer with us, taken before Turist Omer could invade the Star Wars universe.
We get off to a rockin’ copywrite violating start with the opening credits pinched from the Star Trek tv series, except now orange. Very orange. The theme changes to another stolen song, Out of Limits by the Ventures (Yes, I had to look that up). As subtitles are for wimps we can jump right in to the action and learn Turkish as we go!
After the Captain’s Log (excuse me, Kaptan’s Lug) we get nice panning shots of the USS ENTERPRISE‘s bridge, which is active with crew members hard at work. A lot of care to get the atmosphere right is apparent, and how right it is while being so wrong makes it so much better, if you follow that logic train. When doors open they have the authentic Whoosh! sound, and the bride has the background beep beep murmurs that make it recognizable. Turkish Janice Rand is on the bridge, as is Turkish Uhura, played by Fusun, who I’ve never heard of but this was back when having one name meant you were cool, before it was ruined by terrible Hollywood directors like the guy who directed Catwoman, Pitof, known universally as Crap (both the director and the film). Back to this masterpiece. Into the bridge strolls a man that sets fear to the hearts of Klingons everywhere, James T. Kirk. Or a close approximation of him. Well, not that close. Of the main actors, Kirk is the most off, he looks like a laid back high school teacher with either one too many or one too few chromosomes. Soon he is joined by Mr. Spak and Duktur McCoy, and McCoy promptly gets into a verbal spat with Spak, showing the writer did his homework. At this point, Turist Omer Uzay Yolunda is still better than Star Trek‘s 1, 3, 5, 7, 9, 10, and Voyager.
Spak, Kirk, and McCoy speak of a Professor as the plot of The Man Trap unfolds. Sulu is seen as Spak and McCoy leave, played by a white guy. I guess it was either black Uhura or Asian Sulu, and Sulu got the short end of the stick. Or perhaps Turkey is awash with “Miss Saigon Syndrome.” White Sulu is wearing an aqua shirt, as the colors worn in this movie aren’t quite correct. Both Kirk and Mr. Spak have yellow shirts, Scoty is wearing greyish-brown. No one wears red. They correctly predicted the pastel blandness that was used for uniforms in Star Trek: The Motion Picture.
Spak, McCoy, and two random guys beam down. I’d call them Redshirts, but one has an Aqua shirt and the other a Brownish-grey shirt. Whatever their shirt color, their names are Cannon Fodder. They go to look for the Professor. And Mary Ann while they’re at it. I kid.
In the Professor’s lair, McCoy runs across a woman he knows, Nancy. She is introduced to Spak and the Aquashirt, who sees her as an entirely different woman. And different woman in that the actress Aquashirt sees is slightly attractive. Spak and McCoy are tooling around in the cave/lair when Professor Carter arrives. (Carter of Mars? My Friend!) He’s listed as Professor Krater according to some sources but it sounds more like Karter and if it wasn’t my Edgar Rice Burroughs joke wouldn’t work, plus it goes with the other ERB reference: Professor Carter has a shirtless Tarzan Android in tow. Why he is building shirtless Tarzans? You don’t want to know. Carter and Spak and McCoy argue (I think) but are interrupted by a girl’s piercing scream. Nancy has discovered the body of Aquashirt, with his face covered in red circles. As we all know, she is the Salt Vampire from planet M113, and can shape shift, but at this point the characters haven’t seen the episode 30 times in syndication and haven’t a clue. Nancy gives her excuses for why she’s not the M113 Creature Salt Vampire (at least that’s what I think she’s saying.) Mr. Spak reports in to Kirk.
Professor Carter talks to Nancy, and then works on what looks like a door of an industrial freezer. Suddenly we cut to a car covered in Christmas lights as clapping people surround it. An ugly ugly ugly ugly bride and a very desperate man get out. The man is held at gunpoint but is still trying to escape, as he is being forced to marry the ugly ugly ugly ugly woman. This is Turist Omer, and he is saved when Professor Carter beams him out an onto the planet. (THAT wasn’t in The Man Trap!) So far this is still better than Star Trek‘s 1, 5, 7, 9, 10, and Voyager.
Android Tarzan grabs Omer as he is admiring gold android babes in bikinis. Professor greets him, and Nancy sees him and is all attracted, kissing his hand non-stop (kissing,….or FEEDING???) Omer starts screwing around with Android Tarzan. Mr. Spak arrives and Omer is hurried off. Back on the Enterprise (or is it Inturpruz or whatever Turkish name it gets?) Kirk and McCoy send him some information from the computer. Turkish Star Trek keeps alive the tradition of having the computer be a woman’s voice, and does a pretty good approximation of the Original Series’s computer’s tone and style.
Omer is led where golden android bikini babes give him drinks, and he gives them to Android Tarzan, making the Android get all loopy. But not so loopy he can’t drag Omer up so Spak can see him. Professor says some things I guess is blaming Omer for Aquashirt’s death. Omer is Famous Spock Nerve Pinched and brought to the bridge. Or is is Famous Spak Nerve Pinched? Either way, FSNP fits it finely. On the bridge, Uhura, Rand, and random other girl are there alone with phasers drawn. Yet even with the phasers out, they let Omer roam around, and sit in the Captain’s chair, make prank calls, and even feel up Janice Rand. McCoy and Mr. Spak show up to interrogate him. Kirk is still nowhere to be found. Now you understand why Shatner had to keep pressing for more lines, if he did nothing like this chucklehead he’d never be on the show. Omer does the whole “arm out to shake your hand but pull away at the last second while saying Zzzt” trick to Spak, and makes other jokes most of which I can’t understand. Kirk finally gets off his lazy duff and arrives on the bridge. Omer let’s Kirk sit in his chair, and when Kirk talks to the rest of the crew Omer messes with some controls and the ship thrashes around violently, causing tilted cameras and actors lunging (not very well synchronized lunging.) So far this is still better than Star Trek‘s 5, 7, 10, and Voyager.
Planetside, Nancy kill the Grey-brown shirted fellow, then assumes his form and beams up to the Enterprise. Back there, Omer is in the medical bay being his annoying self. Omer then moves to the bridge and annoys Mr. Spak fo a while, including talking to the computer asking it for lotto numbers. Spak complains. In the hallways of the ship, Nancy/Brownshirt encounters a not very attractive woman in the hallway, they stare at each other for a very very long time, uncomfortably long. Nancy/Brownshirt moves in, puts her hands on the girl’s face, then licks her hands, puts them back, licks them again, all while the not very attractive woman just stands there.
Bridgeside, Spak uses a flashlight on a string to test some engine systems somehow. Omer steals it, turns it on, and the closer he holds it to his body, the more random computer noises are heard. The crew goes to Red Alert because they don’t know where the sounds are coming from. Omer finally convinces Spak that it was all him. And through it all, Nancy/Brownshirt is still molesting the not very attractive woman. So far this is still better than Star Trek‘s 5, 7, and Voyager.
Omer is still annoying Spak, so Kirk has Janice take him away. Spak tells the computer “Zzt!” and the computer starts laughing, shaking, smoking, and making explosion sounds. Meanwhile Nancy/Brownshirt has located Omer, and watches as Janice shows Omer some plants, including one that she feeds some cherries as it is a hand puppet. Nancy/Brownshirt then strolls in and licks Omer’s hand again. The plant starts freaking out and screaming like a woman, which frightens off Nancy/Brownshirt.
Nancy/Brownshirt then sees a woman with very magenta hair, and transforms into a black doctor-type character (Doctor M’Benga maybe?) Omer sees her transform, and see her start feeling Magenta girl’s face and licking her hands. She dies quickly and Omer is running around scared in and out of doors in a funny gag sequence. Omer heads to the bridge to explain what he saw to Mr. Spak and Kirk. No one believes him until a scream erupts. Janice has found Magenta girl’s body. She must scream really loud to reach several decks up. Kirk and Spak are there, and they call McCoy down. Nancy/Black Doctor runs into McCoy and turns into McCoy herself, or M113cCoy as we will call her from now on. Kirk, Spak, Omer, and M113cCoy go back down to the planet to talk to the Professor. The Professor runs off behind a secret door, but Spak uses his Vulcan strength to open it. Kirk goes through, and encounters what looks like the love child of Barney the Dinosaur and a zombie hippo, waving it’s hands menacingly. It breathes fire, then Kirk and Hippomonster throw styrofoam boulders at each other. Mr. Spak arrives and phasers it (or fazurs it since this is Turkey.) They then find Brownshirt’s body, and realize that the killer is a shapeshifter, and Omer was right!
They inform Scoty and then talk to M113cCoy, who in these shots looks a lot like Joe Pantoliano. Well, maybe his younger ugly brother. M113cCoy is sucking his hand as he will be doing the entire time, as for why? Not sure, unless they explain it in Turkish and in that case I’m out of luck here.
Omer runs across a bikini babe (who is really the M113 vampire) who is the first really attractive woman in this movie. She starts to lick his salt as he yaks with Mr. Spak on the communicator. So far this is still better than Star Trek 7 and Voyager.
Spak arrives where Omer is, and M113 transforms into a Vulcan Babe and starts licking Spak’s salt, as Mr. Spak is now in love. Except that is not logical, so it must be Pon Farr time. Or Pun Ferr. Omer calls Kirk, M113 Vulcan Babe tells Spak to protect her. He goes to beat up Omer, but then Kirk arrives, and now Spak must go fight Kirk instead. Luckily, there are a big pile of Vulcan weapons from Amok Time nearby, and Kirk and Spak reenact that classic episode as well. Kirk and Spak’s fight is only slightly more hammy than in the real TV show. The big disappointment is the lack of theft of the Amok Time music, as that would have made this part perfect.
Kirk grabs a phaser and tries to shoot the Vulcan Babe, who runs off and turns into M113cCoy, curing Spak’s Pon Farr. That worked out better than pretending to get killed like on the TV show. Then Kirk, Spak, and Omer head off, but run into Android Tarzan. Kirk phasers Android Tarzan, but 11 more appear immediately after. The phaser is out of juice, so they have to fistfight. M113cCoy messes with some controls and has the Android Tarzans fight each other. But Professor pulls a gun, and M113cCoy runs off, and the Android Tarzans are retargeted at Kirk and Spak. Luckily there is a second control station in the desert right next to the ambush sight that Omer plays around with until the Android Tarzans fight each other again. The heroes get to the Professor’s lair right after Sulu tells them that McCoy is aboard the ship, and they realize that the McCoy down there is M113cCoy. Spak FSNPes the Professor, then the Real McCoy beams down. M113cCoy knocks out Spak and salt sucks the Professor dead. McCoy shows up in the lair and sees Nancy instead of M113cCoy. Kirk tells him what is going on, but McCoy won’t believe him.
Kirk has an ace up his sleeve, salt tablets! Nancy can’t resist the tasty goodness that is salt tablets, and neither will you! After salivating like Pavlov’s dogs, she pounces on the tablets, then goes for Kirk. McCoy still can’t fire. Spak arrives, fights Nancy, gets beaten, and McCoy still can’t fire. Nancy turns into the M113 monster (or an approximation of the real one) and McCoy can shoot her now. He does, she dies, everyone is saved, Omer shows up.
Back on the Enterprise it’s time for Omer to return home. They say their goodbyes, and Spak does the “arm out to shake your hand but pull away at the last second while saying Zzzt” trick to Omer. Omer is beamed back right where he came from, trapped and about to be forced to marry Mrs. Ugly. It would seem Omer is doomed.
But….Omer is now a VULCAN! Complete with ears! Omer FSNPes the guys with guns (or should we call it FONPes) and shouts thanks to Mr. Spak. Back on the Enterprise everyone seems pleased. They even look like they have the joke at the end between the characters, and the Enterprise flies off, into the vast orangeness of space.
This was no where near as bad as I was expecting. It was still better than Star Trek 7 and most of Voyager. The familiarity with the episode it borrows from also allows people who don’t speak Turkish to understand much more of what’s going on than the standard Turkish films, like 3 Dev Adam. Mr. Spak is a better Vulcan than T’Pol, though this Kirk is the worst captain in Star Trek history, even Janeway. He is the only dark spot on this movie since he isn’t a caricature of Kirk or Shatner, just a dull Turkish guy. I expect more from Turkish films than that! This film is a must see for any Trekkie, Trekker, or Bad Movie Buff.
Rated 10/10 (Orange Enterprise, beaming, death by lipstick, cherry eating plant, Vampire, Hippo-monster, Ecstasy..I mean salt tablets, Kirk throwing, Omer plotting, Spak shooting.)
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