Turkish Star Wars (Review)
Turkish Star Wars
|Cuneyt Arkin as ??? (Never Caught his name)|
|Aytekin Akkaya as Ali|
|??? as The Wizard|
Star Wars. One of the greatest movies ever made. It inspired an entire generation of film makers. An icon. And now, a low budget Turkish Rip-off! Yes, the Turkish have gotten a hold of Star Wars and yanked scenes for their own space fantasy extravaganza. As you may expect, it is quite a different movie, full of bad costumes and nonsensical plot. Imagine the biggest trainwreck you can possibly imagine. This is so…so…so Turkish Star Wars that you will ignore the gigantic trainwreck to catch a glimpse of this feature. I managed to get a subtitled version, and yet most of the plot still makes little or no sense. This is a long one, as a lot happens, and many things are confusing, frustrating, or just insane. But it’s a Hell of a ride.
The beginning the opening credits roll by. Or more accurately the sheets they are printed on are pulled by. Complete with Keyboard Demo music to accompany the opening crawl. And now the story begins, as Turkish narration explains the back story. At this time, we discover Turkish sounds amazingly like Huttese. Stock footage of cartoon space, followed by stock rocket footage, and finally scenes from Star Wars are spliced together as they weave the history of this universe. Hundreds of thousands of years from now the galaxy is united, but humanity is trying to find immortality. Earth is threatened by nuclear annihilation. Earth was threatened before, but survived, however parts of Earth were blown off into space.
After that, scenes of Alderaan getting blown up are shown, making it look like Earth bit the big one, but whatever planet that was is not mentioned, and now Earth is said to be protected by a crust made from compressed human brain molecules. The brain shield is impenetrable except to a weapon made of human brains (of course, how logical, why didn’t I think of that sooner…) However, the bad guys attacking Earth have no brains. How insulting! Humans don’t know who it is attacking them, so they send out people to find him, but no one can and most of the ships don’t return. And now two Turkish guys are sent. They are Cuneyt Arkin and Aytekin Akkaya. Cuneyt Arkin is the older, wiser pilot and Aytekin Akkaya is the younger, womanizing pilot named Ali. They help in the dogfight that uses Star Wars scenes. The heroic Earth TIE fighters from the Earth Death Star bases resists the evil X-Wings that constantly dive bomb the Death Star bases. As our heroes sit in their “cockpits” the Death Star Battle scenes play behind them. Some guys in bad costumes observe the battle while guarding a guy in an even worse costume, who is commanding the attack. He is The Wizard (no, not Fred Savage) and he is evil. The pilots continue their defense of Earth, joking about how it would be if women in miniskirts were coming. Some of the scenes are only partially on the screen, they look like the camera had the Wizard’s mask put over it to make it look like we are seeing his point of view, but I didn’t figure that out until after I saw this movie, I thought they were just being incompetent, so the film maker’s FAILED in their attempt to be arty!
Some things happen involving ships being either destroyed or pulling away, it’s hard to tell with all the stock footage of the Battle of the Death Star going on intersplicing random shots of ships fighting. Somehow the two guys end up crashed in the desert of some planet. (Tatooine? Not really) It looks like Egypt, thanks to shots of the pyramids and the Sphinx. The voiceover tells us they see things from every civilization. Yet everything they see is Egyptian. The director either forgot to add more diversity or is making a statement about Egypt being the only civilized society in Earth’s history. Ali decides to use his famous whistle that no woman can resist to find some people, instead of a hot babe, skeletons on horseback arrive. Our Heroes kick the tar out of them, with the theme from Indiana Jones playing in the background! Cuneyt Arkin and Ali prance around which defeats the enemies. The fight is interspliced with shots of some monster with green hair pawing at the camera yelling “RRRAARR!” Why does this happen? Some mysteries are best left unanswered, apparently.
The theme music switches to a rockish track I think may be from Flash Gordon, which denote the arrival of robot/guard/stormtrooper things that appear out of nowhere and shoot the horses Our Heroes stole from the skeleton men (BOOOO! for horse deaths) and capture them. A gladiator-style contest is happening nearby where a robot with a flashing siren on it’s head orders people to fight to the death. This robot’s name is not given, so I will call it Tobor. Tobor strangles a small boy because Tobor Smash. The Heroes are ordered to fight, which they do as Indiana Jones music blares again. Once they are wounded, the leader of the Bad Guys notices they are humans. Our Heroes run off and hide in a cave owned by a blonde lady, her creepy young brother, and a priest. Also there is a lot of cannon fodder extras, but don’t get too attached to them. The Old Priest tells Cuneyt Arkin and Ali that “The secret of space is here” (I hope they are all protected from the terrible secret of space.)
The Secret: Humans on this planet… (wait a minute, if there are so many humans here, why doesn’t the Wizard just gank one of their brains?) Humans on this planet are part of the Thirteenth Tribe (Battlestar Galactica now.) and have lived here ever since this planet was blown off of Earth and into space during a nuclear war (makes sense…) Our Heroes go exploring the cave, when suddenly Mummies with Wampa Claws wake up from their eternal slumber, and Mummies with Fur and Devil Horns (both red and black furred varieties) also show up. The Mummies go to work slaughtering all the extras in the cave, succeeding despite the bumbling efforts of Our Heroes as they slap around the monsters. Our Heroes run away fast and hide in another section of the cave with the Blonde Lady, her brother, and her father the Old Priest. A Huge Brown Evil Chewbacca appears to kill the rest of the children. Evil Chewbacca looks like Teddy Ruxpin meets Cousin It, but he gets the job done (killing unarmed children.) The Wizard sucks the blood out of the dead through a big loopy clear straw, turning the dead into more Wampa Mummies.
Having survived this, Our Heroes begin their training to become elite fighting men. The training was clearly inspired by Jackie Chan films, as Cuneyt Arkin slaps around a big rock while Ali lifts up a smaller rock repeatedly or pulls on a big back of rocks. The blonde lady (who cannot speak) falls in love with Cuneyt Arkin at this time. She washes off his paint covered— I mean, bloodied hands. More training follows, this time to Indiana Jones music. Ali claws at dirt while Cuneyt Arkin ties rocks to his legs and starts walking around like some sort of moron. The Wizard has had enough of this extended training sequence (as has the audience) and sends some Zombies and one of the Red Furred Demons over to kill them. Cuneyt Arkin macks on the Blonde while the Princess Leia theme music plays.
Suddenly Our Heroes are at a Cantina (maybe even the cantina, as interspliced in are the wolfman guy (a Defel) and M’iiyoom Onith with the standard Turkish Guy in a Rubber Mask and Turkish Guy in a Different Rubber Mask. Some of the “Aliens” start a bar fight, which spills over onto the table Our Heroes are sitting at, and they get involved immidiately. Cuneyt Arkin fights an alien from the Planet of Nasty Asian Stereotypes. Seriously, this guy has a grinning Chinese man mask on and is doing his best to immediate Kung Fu. Ali beats up on a guy with a pot on his head, followed by a green-haired guy. (the Green Haired guy from before? Once again the mystery is never revealed.) Cuneyt Arkin then fights a Red Furred Demon. The Wizard then appears in the Cantina amidst a red filter over the camera lens. He tells Our Heroes that he’s captured the blonde lady and her brother, and that they need to come to his castle to get her back. Robot/guard/stormtroopers appear and capture them. Just another day at the Cantina.
Our Heroes are given new festive shirts (They’re FAA-Bulous!) and Tobor comes to take Cuneyt Arkin to see The Wizard (the Wonderful Wizard of Oz, because because because because becuase…) Seconds after he leaves, the Queen of This Planet materializes to seduce Ali. The Wizard and some Evil Scientist Guy tells Cuneyt Arkin they will take his brain and use it to take over the Earth. Cuneyt Arkin balks, but The Wizards brings in the Blonde Lady and her brother. Cuneyt Arkin gets ticked off and starts breaking things, causing The Wizard to send his goons on him. Once guy swings a sword at Cuneyt Arkin who catches it in his teeth, then breaks it into THREE! Back at the cell, Ali watches as the Queen of This Planet disappears pre-seduction, only to be replaced by more monsters. Indiana Jones trumpets again as Our Heroes battle for their very lives. They meet up and Ali cracks a joke about waking up Cuneyt Arkin’s wife which is probably lost in translation (Let’s hope so, it makes ZERO sense)
“Warp Them!” commands some guy, and Our Heroes are zapped by a laser, excuse me, WARPED by a WARPer. The Wampa Mummies and Black Furred Demons torture them while prancing around, looking like a scene from Where the Wild Things Are. The Wizard is going to give them the ultimate punishment, buried alive! Buried alive? More like Buried 5 inches. Our Heroes escape by SITTING UP! The Monsters grab them for torture, while The Wizard turns the Queen of This Planet into a spider for her seduction failure. At this point I feel I must address the Wizard directly: “JUST SCOOP OUT THEIR BRAINS RIGHT NOW, FOOL!!!!!! OR Just get ANY of the brains of the hundreds of humans on THIS PLANET!” No wonder Earth constantly defeats this cornball.
Now it’s time for more gladiatorial combat. Cuneyt Arkin is forced to fight Evil Chewbacca. The Oft-repeated Indiana Jones music inspires Cuneyt Arkin to smash Evil Chewbacca using his Shaolin Kung Fu. Also, they rented a catapult which gets heavy use as Cuneyt Arkin bounces over Evil Chewbacca about two dozen times. Then EVERYONE attacks Cuneyt Arkin, who escapes along with the Blonde Lady and her brother. But Ali is taken away to be de-brained.
Cuneyt Arkin is hiding in the Tomb of Hz. Haci Bektas Veli. Where else would he be hiding, really? The Tomb of Hz. Haci Bektas Veli is the best place on That Planet. The Old Priest narrates as we find out Allah is great, some things happened involving this planet being blown off of Earth 1000 years ago. Also the thirteenth tribe was hidden in the mountains and are immortal. The Wizard stole a brain and a sword that Cuneyt Arkin must go retrieve. Music sounding like it was lifted from Planet of the Apes plays as Cuneyt Arkin and the Blonde Lady wander the desert being stalked by Red Furred Demons. They try to hide in a town but are ambushed by guys with funnels on their heads who think they are ninjas, until Cuneyt Arkin spanks them. Cuneyt Arkin and Blonde Lady head to another temple where more backstory is revealed: When atheists started killing the faithful, the faithful moved underground, and lead by Jesus Christ himself, fought a war with the Atheists.
They find the sword, guarded by two guys in copper costumes, who are easily dispatched. The sword is straight out of Masters of the Universe, with extra oversized spikes sticking out of it. Unfortunately he does not hold up the sword and scream “By the power of Greyskull!” The Narrator does speak up, and informs us that in the future Mayans and Aztecs were still searching for the secret of immortality, and the Wizard was one of them, and he found the secret so is immortal. The Narrator fails to realize then that means the Wizard is human as well and that means he already has a human brain, in addition to the thousands of humans living on the planet. In fact, this whole plot is suspect, and I am beginning to think something is amiss. The Blonde Lady can now speak again, making Cuneyt Arkin regret ever finding the sword.
Outside, Ali is there, but he is evil now. Then he turns into a monkey-like monster and Cuneyt Arkin kills him. Only Ali was never there, just the monster, and is really still held captive. Cuneyt Arkin fights more men with Funnel Hats, using his new sword to slice through them with ease. He tears apart four of the Red Furred Demons and charges the castle, dispatching henchmen left and right, his sword blocking bullets. Finally, he reaches Ali, and sets him free. Ali immediately wants the sword. He’s all like “Give me the sword, man” and “Let me have the sword, duder!” and finally Cuneyt Arkin tells him “Only a fool would choose women with monsters for husbands!” Ouch, indeed. Ali is so ticked off he knocks Cuneyt Arkin out and ganks the sword and brain. Ali gives it to the Old Priest who tells him how to use their power, but the Old Priest is really the Wizard in disguised! The Wizard Force-pushes Ali around like a rag doll, but Cuneyt Arkin reappears and knocks the sword and brain out of the Wizard’s hand. The Wizard shrieks “I am your father!” (Not really, he just disappears in a red-tinted filter.) The Old Priest tells Cuneyt Arkin and Ali that since the Wizard touched the sword and brain he can now destroy Earth. Then the Old Priest dies. Ali lies mortally wounded and he and Cuneyt Arkin share a touching moment while the Wizard imprisons them in a cave. Then Ali dies, but not before one last kiss with Cuneyt Arkin. Okay, they don’t kiss. But they should have! So Ali is dead, Cuneyt Arkin is trapped, and the Wizard is going to destroy Earth. So what’s a hero to do?
Melt down the sword and brain into metal gloves! Why didn’t you think of that? That’s why you won’t be saving Earth from Immortal Space Wizards anytime soon. Cuneyt Arkin smashes out of the cave via his new gloves and makes a bee line for the evil fortress. On the way, he fights practically everyone who has been in this movie up to this point. Star Wars scenes return as the space battle commences as well! Evil X-Wings strike against the good Death Star Bases as Heroic TIEs defend Earth. Also some Alderaan-type planets get blown up, which I thought was Earth getting destroyed at first until it happened again and people were still saying “defend Earth!” and General Dodonna started explaining to the Rebels that Earth was in danger.
Back to the Planet, Cuneyt Arkin fights Red Furred Demons, punching them in half. He then rips heads off of black monsters. He then rips off a Wampa Mummy’s head, and lobs it as a second Wampa Mummy, causing him to EXPLODE! Mummies’ heads are really grenades, I did not know that.
A real Battle Royale as Cuneyt Arkin fights Tobor and his negative scratches of doom (excuse me,…”lasers”). Cuneyt Arkin destroys the Siren and then the rest of Tobor and Tobor has now left us, but we will always miss you, Tobor! Cuneyt Arkin moves on to battling the aliens from the Cantina (sadly not any of the Star Wars ones, just the rubber mask guys. Then it’s time to fight Evil Chewbacca, who also tastes the sweat flavor of death by Power Gloves.
Finally the Wizard arrives on the scene. He hurls oversized ninja stars at Cuneyt Arkin, who dodges, catches, and throws back. The Wizard flashes some Magic Lights, then Cuneyt Arkin kicks boulders at the Wizard, and the rocks EXPLODE AT HIS FEET!! Now Rocks are made from the same materials as Wampa Mummy’s heads, I guess. After launching the exploding rocks, Cuneyt Arkin runs up to the Wizard, and starts slapping him silly. Cuneyt Arkin rips off the Wizard’s mask, and then Karate chops him in HALF! The long way! Since the Wizard is now dead, the Rules of Boss Dying Causes Evil Base Destruction are in effect, so explosions commence, destroying the base and all the X-Wings in the stock footage.
Cuneyt Arkin says his goodbyes to the Blonde Lady and flies to Yavin IV (Earth) in his Millennium Falcon. And so our saga ends. This movie is one of the best I’ve seen, despite the many many many flaws. It just all fits together perfectly. This is the pinnacle of bad filmmaking. And now it’s time, to say goodbye to all our Turkish friends. C-u-n, e-y-t, A-r-k-i-n!
SON! (the end)
Rated 10/10 Random Images from this movie. It just rules!
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