Catch the Heat
Tiana Alexandra as Checkers Goldberg
Rod Steiger as Jason Hannibal
David Dukes as Waldo Tarr
Can you Catch the Heat? Not really, the heat is more like the warmth you feel if you sit down where someone was just sitting, not flaming hot heat as the title suggests. Maybe Catch the Lukewarmness should have been the movie’s title. Or Generic 80′s Action Film #2323535 as that is an accurate description. The only thing going for it is Tiana Alexandra is hot but she seemed to vanish after this film, so this is her Citizen Kane sadly enough.
Turkish Star Wars
|Cuneyt Arkin as ??? (Never Caught his name)|
|Aytekin Akkaya as Ali|
|??? as The Wizard|
Star Wars. One of the greatest movies ever made. It inspired an entire generation of film makers. An icon. And now, a low budget Turkish Rip-off! Yes, the Turkish have gotten a hold of Star Wars and yanked scenes for their own space fantasy extravaganza. As you may expect, it is quite a different movie, full of bad costumes and nonsensical plot. Imagine the biggest trainwreck you can possibly imagine. This is so…so…so Turkish Star Wars that you will ignore the gigantic trainwreck to catch a glimpse of this feature. I managed to get a subtitled version, and yet most of the plot still makes little or no sense. This is a long one, as a lot happens, and many things are confusing, frustrating, or just insane. But it’s a Hell of a ride.
|Thora Birch as Enid|
|Scarlett Johansson as Rebecca|
|Steve Buscemi as Seymour|
No pictures on this one! I haven’t read the comics this is based on, either.
Enid (Thora Birch) and Rebecca (Scarlett Johanson) have just graduated high school, though Enid must make up an art class in summer school. The girls wittle away their time, not choosing to head to college. At a cafe, they notice customers that look like “Satanists” and they decide to follow them. While trailing, they run across the ’50′s diner Wowsville, an authentic ’50s restarant with rap music and a waiter they call Weird Al due to his name being Al and his hair resembling Weird Al’s. While eating there, they read the personals of the paper, and run across a “Missed Connections” ad where a guy is wanting to meet up with a blonde he helped find a contact lens for. They decide to give him a call and pretend to be the girl, and to have him meet her at Wowsville. They then bug their friend Josh to hang out with them at the diner when the man shows up. He does, is named Seymour and is played by Steve Buscemi, orders a vanilla shake, and waits, only to be disappointed. The girls follow him back to his place. Later they try to find out what apartment he lives in, and see him in part of a garage sale the apartment complex is running. There Enid discusses records with him for a bit, finding our his name is Seymore, and purchases one before they leave. The girls describe him as clueless, but Enid thinks that makes him almost attractive. Eventually Enid listens to the record and really likes the song Devil Got My Woman, and returns to discuss it with Seymour. Seymour invites her to a party where a lot of record collectors like him will be, and Enid eventually goes, dragging Rebecca along, who is hit on by David Cross, much to her disdain. Enid talks to Seymore who is a collector, and Enid decides she will get him a girlfriend. While out girlfriend shopping, Enid gets Seymour to take her into an adult store, where she gets a catwoman headpiece. We find out Rebecca is working at a Starbucks ripoff complete with annoying customers.
|Will Egan as T.C.|
|Steve Donmyer as Bo|
|Julia Nickson as Michelle|
|Directed by Nico Mastorakis|
What should be a run of the mill lame sex comedy is instead a very bad sex comedy, thanks to Nico Mastorakis flubbing up what should be easy territory. Not surprising, in two years time he pulled off an even worse film with Ninja Academy. But we can cross that Grand Canyon of despair another day, for today we tackle Glitch!, a movie that has an exclamation point in it’s name. And Julia Nickson. That’s about the limit of the praise here, this is a trip of pure pain, for certain. Bring it on!